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“Rammed hard and fast”: Here’s what you said about pain during anal

You told us—pain during anal sex can be mind-blowing. Here’s what you shared in our anonymous pain & sex survey.

Douchie brings butt health & happiness out of the closet so you can care for your butt in the way it deserves.

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Do you like getting jackhammered till your hole is raw? Do you take pleasure in your partner’s pain—turned on by their moans during rough sex?
We heard you loud and clear: Our community survey got hot and heavy last month with a variety of responses to our questions about pain and anal sex. I can’t wait to fill you up with a hot-off-the-press load of info about what makes our community tick when it comes to pain between the sheets.
“I had a sub who liked rough anal sex and that didn’t want me to use a lot of lube.” –Survey respondent
First, a few words about the survey. We shared this 15-question anonymous survey with our social media followers, on our website and in our newsletters—to reach a convenience sample of people connected to San Francisco AIDS Foundation. The 412 people who took the survey likely felt they had something to say about pain and sex. (In other words, the sample isn’t representative of our entire community or San Francisco.)
“Pain can be enjoyable, if your partner knows how to keep it at the right level.” –Survey respondent
A total of 412 people took the survey. Most identified as male (85%). Cis-women, trans men, trans women, genderqueer people, gender non-conforming, gender non-binary and genderfluid people also took the survey.
About 80% of people identified as gay/homosexual. Other sexual orientations reported were bisexual (9%), straight/heterosexual (8%), asexual (1%), and “other” (mostly pansexual and queer).
Most people (96%) reported that they have anal sex (or have had anal sex in the past). For people having or who had anal sex, 52% reported being “versatile” (being the top and bottom), 29% reported being the bottom (the receptive partner during anal sex), and 15% reported being the top (the penetrative partner during anal sex).
Most people (86%) who bottomed said that they had at some point experienced pain when bottoming. 9% said they had never experienced pain, 1% said they “didn’t know,” and the rest said the question was not applicable.
Most people (64%) who have ever topped said that they have had a partner stop them during sex because it hurt too much. (One person cheekily replied, “Yes, due to my size,” to this question.)
About half of people (51%) said that they have never enjoyed pain during anal sex. More than 100 people (36%) said that they have enjoyed pain during anal sex.
This is where it gets juicy: More than 100 of you wrote in to explain what you like, and why! Generally, responses to the type of pain you enjoy fell into the following categories:
We asked how people would explain pleasurable pain during anal sex to someone who has never felt it before.
One person described it as “like getting a tattoo: It hurts, but you know you still love it.” Another person compared it to popping a painful pimple: “The first few seconds can sting, but the sense of relief and endorphins rush immediately afterwards floods out the momentary ‘pain.’” A few other people compared it to the pain you experience when working out. “It hurts because it’s a muscle being stretched. When you first work out, your muscles hurt because they’re being stretched, but you feel good. Similar good feeling but exponentially better.”
Other notable responses to what you enjoy from pain during sex include:
“A mixture of pain and pleasure, where the pain heightens the degree of pleasure/relief experienced.”
“A little pain is cool. It feels like I’m taking it all in. Like I don’t give up and love it.”
“Butt burning good. Then the relief of him cumming and lubricating my butt with his hot load.”
“A painful erotic distraction that allows the pleasure senses to grow in the background for an epic climax.”
“I would say that pain during sex can be great—heightening all the sensations—if you trust your partner.”
“Sometimes a little pain leads to great pleasure.”
Our favorite response was from the person who said, “Here, let me show you.”
We also asked for your tips on how to prevent pain during anal sex. Most people mentioned the importance of using plenty of lube before and during anal sex. “[Use] LOTS of lube from the jump and add more maybe even if you don’t think you need it,” said one respondent. Another said, “Too much lube is almost enough.”
“Also- remember that there’s a LOT of fun that can be had besides anal, so if it’s not gonna work, it’s OK to move on! No stress—this should be fun!” said one person.
Douchie brings butt health & happiness out of the closet so you can care for your butt in the way it deserves. Get info about everything from douching to fissures with this series on all things anal. Visit sfaf.org/butthealth .
San Francisco AIDS Foundation is a California nonprofit public benefit corporation which has been granted tax exempt status under Internal Revenue Code section 501(c)(3). Our Federal EIN is 94-2927405 and our California corporation number is C1241510.
© 2022 San Francisco AIDS Foundation. All Rights Reserved
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In what’s been a great development for butt-enjoyers everywhere, anal sex is now a lot less taboo than it used to be. For those with penises, it can be especially enjoyable, thanks to the special little walnut-shaped mass of nerves called the prostate situated under the bladder that you can “access” if you go in through the backdoor. Sometimes referred to as the “male G-spot” the prostate can deliver next-level orgasms when it’s properly stimulated. Science is currently trying to figure out why so-called prostate orgasms feel so intense—but, frankly, the why is unimportant. Let’s focus on the how.
Even though people have been sticking various and sundry items up their b-holes for centuries—google “Moche ceramics anal sex” or “ancient Rome butt stuff”—in more recent history, it hasn’t been as common for straight men to partake. So, I talked with Sex and Relationships coach Dr. Charlie Glickman, PhD, who literally wrote the book on prostate pleasure to explain just how to enjoy this under-appreciated erogenous zone. He says the most frequently asked questions he gets from straight men are: “Will it be painful?” “Will it be messy?” and “Does this make me gay?” We’ll get into this more later, but the answers to those burning questions are: it shouldn't be , not necessarily , and no, of course not.
Dr. Glickman's first point? Remember that you’re not filming a porno. Don’t try to emulate anything you’ve seen on Pornhub! You’re just asking to get hurt, and nothing is more discouraging than a supposedly pleasurable sex act that turns painful (assuming you’re going for pleasure, that is). Plus, porn stars are people who are likely having anal sex multiple times a week. And they are prepping for it—they’re just doing so off screen.
For the best chance at a life-changing, earth-quaking orgasm, he also recommends—seriously, listen to this—experimenting with butt play solo at first. For a couple reasons: The first is that it’s an opportunity to figure out what you like at your own pace, which will help you later communicate that to your partner. The second is that you can stop immediately once something becomes painful or uncomfortable. You don't have to worry about finding the right words to avoid killing the mood or discouraging your partner from ever trying this again.
Additionally, don't try to go from 0 to 60 in the beginning. Dr. Glickman recommends getting turned on using your go-to's, the things you already know you like. Not only does arousal cause the pelvic floor to relax, making anal entry easier, but “arousal changes where things land on the pleasure/pain spectrum.” Dr. Glickman explains, “things that feel amazing during sex, might not feel as good [while] reading an email from your boss.” Noted! Once you’ve figured out what it is you like up and around your butt, you can move onto more advanced play that might involve toys, or partners, or specific kinks. Just add new components one at a time. Like the act of anal itself, it’s important to go slowly.
Ahhh, eating ass. It’s been around for ages—probably millennia; the Greeks were definitely giving rimmies. But only recently have people admitted to enjoying it. In 2015, Allison Williams and Girls got a lot of press for putting ass eating on the air and potentially more firmly on the map (although Woody Harrelson was also analingus-ing his young mistress in True Detective a year earlier, and there was a rimming scene in How to Get Away With Murder that year as well).
Rimming is a great place to start with a partner because, unlike other forms of assplay, it doesn't require much advanced preparation. Wash your ass before you ask someone to venture back there, and then relax and enjoy what’s basically an all-encompassing blow job. If you’ve ever had someone touch your perineum (the spot between your balls and butthole), you know there’s a lot of feeling back there, so make sure you don’t knee someone in the face as they make their way to your b-hole. For precisely this reason, it’s often recommended for you to be in doggy-style position while receiving. If you’re worried about hair, get waxed! I know this sounds kind of crazy but waxing your ass is fairly normal (estheticians have seen everything) and it’s nearly painless, unlike waxing the front. I know that’s hard to believe, but it’s true! And it clears the way for easier access to your little tortellini.
Remember way back in 2016 when Amber Rose strongly implied Kanye was a big fan of fingering, prompting Kanye to practically short-circuit as he vehemently tried to deny it? According to a study published in 2010, 24% of men surveyed had received anal fingering, so it’s not nearly as uncommon or taboo as Kanye apparently thinks. A step “up” from the rim job (although, also commonly seen in concert with one another, a la Simon and Garfunkel), fingering requires a bit more preparation. This is where lube comes in. (If someone’s mouth is going to be around your asshole, you can also get flavored lube for rimming to make the experience more fun.)
Like most anal experiences, the slower the better, and remember there is no such thing as too much lube. You want to work your way up to getting inside the back gate, ok? It’s going to take a lot of relaxing; you can help yourself by massaging yourself externally before heading inside. You’re not going to just lie down and get four fingers up there, so slow your roll. Worried about the mess? Get some medical gloves and throw them away when you’re done. Boom! Clean hands, full ass, can’t lose.
Vibrators are not just for people with vaginas ! You can find highly rated “prostate massagers,” on Amazon, like this one , or this one , or this one . Woo! Two-day-ship-yourself the best orgasm of your life. Not ready to make that leap? Or just not into the idea of vibration? Fair enough. It’s strongly recommended that you work your way up to putting anything in your ass anyway, so you can start with anal plugs or beads, which are a lot thinner, and go from there. Often, they come in sets meant for you to build to bigger and bigger toys. Again, lube is your best friend here, so buy some when you check out. Most online sex toy shops these days ( lelo.com , adamandeve.com , babeland.com , jackandjilladult.com ) will recommend specific lubes as you’re purchasing items, and everything comes in discreet packaging shipped right to your house.
If you’re planning on playing solo with a toy, you’ll want to avoid silicone-based lubes, which can degrade certain sex toys. Instead, pick water- or oil-based lubes, however, keep in mind that oil-based lubes ruin condoms so do not ever use them when you’re wearing one. Still not sure which one to go with? Use this guide .
Start small when you get toys. Don’t try to be a hero. Also, make sure that the first few times—or at the very least, the first time—you use a toy, that you’re in full control of the situation. I don’t mean that you’re telling your partner what to do. I mean that you are actually owning and operating the vehicle. Again, it's recommended that you try fingers first , before upgrading to a toy.
So you’re ready to try receiving anal sex, kudos! According to the National Survey of Sex and Behavior from 2009, women who were having anal sex said they that were having way more consistent orgasms than women who were only having vaginal or oral sex. Part of this, of course, is likely that it takes a while to build up to anal, so you’re more likely to be having sex with a partner who knows you well, whom you trust, and whom you have an intimate relationship with. But the point remains: people are coming from anal even when they don’t have a prostate back there. On the BDSM forum, edenfantasys.com , men complain of coming too quickly when they’re being pegged. Almost any time someone describes what a prostate orgasm feels like, they describe it as more intense, even otherworldly, compared to a “normal” dick orgasm. (Not the scientific name for it, I’m sure). If done well, it’s probably going to feel amazing .
The key: prep work. You're probably going to want to clean yourself somewhat beforehand. An hour or so before you plan to have sex, take some time in the shower to get yourself ready. Some people prefer the finger test (literally cleaning as much as you can, sticking your finger up there and seeing if it comes out clean). You can also try douching, just make sure not to overdo it if that's the method you choose. In general, avoid eating foods that are going to make you feel like you need to take a dump; unsurprisingly, that’s not conducive to having hot anal sex.
When it comes to the actual pegging, you’re going to need your partner to go slow. Think about how long it takes your parents to find the slip of paper they wrote the wifi password on one time in 2010, and then go slower than that. If you’ve ever performed anal sex on anyone else, you probably understand this, but once you’re on the receiving end, you’re really gonna get it. Again, it cannot be stressed enough: USE A LOT OF LUBE. More lube than you think a reasonable person would need. Otherwise it’s going to feel like going down a dry water slide. But the dry water slide is your asshole.
A lot of people are going to be down for this, and some people are not. But either way, there’s a whole lot of pleasure being left on the table right now that no one is snatching up. Become friends with your backdoor. Or don’t.
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These women (whose names have been changed) describe what they wish they knew before having anal sex so you won't have to. Kelly, 23 "If you're trying it in hopes that it will bring a spark back to your relationship, it won't." Danielle, 21 "Basically, like, the more lube the better. You have to lube that sh*t up." Emma, 23
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Most people (96%) reported that they have anal sex (or have had anal sex in the past). For people having or who had anal sex, 52% reported being "versatile" (being the top and bottom), 29% reported being the bottom (the receptive partner during anal sex), and 15% reported being the top (the penetrative partner during anal sex).
Rimming is a great place to start with a partner because, unlike other forms of assplay, it doesn't require much advanced preparation. Wash your ass before you ask someone to venture back there,...
© Ekaterina Rabchanyuk - Getty Images18 women explain what it feels like to be on the receiving end of analingus (that's rimming, or eating ass, or ass licking to you and I). What does analingus...
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