Asshole Beer

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This is a slightly complex game, but very, very fun when mastered. This game requires a minimum of 5 people to play. High boot factor.

The first hand of asshole is the establishing hand. This will decide who is the President, V-Pres, Normal People, and the Asshole for the next round.

Approximately 6 or 7 cards are dealt to each player, depending on the number playing this can be higher or lower. The rank of the cards is as follows (most powerful to least powerful) 2, A, K, Q, ... 4, and 3. Some is chosen to go first and they play a card, the next person has two options:

1) to play a card higher than (but not the same) as the previous card.
2) or to pass on that turn.

For example, if a 4 is lead, a next player must play HIGHER than a 4, the the next player has to play higher than that. A new hand starts when all players pass, or when someone plays a 2 (the most powerful card). The last person to play a card, leads the next hand.

This proceeds until all players are rid of their cards. The first player out of cards is the Pres for the next round, the next out becomes the VP, the next players out are normal, and the last person out is the Asshole.

However lets say that the person leading has two 5's, this person may play them both, then the next player must play two of the same card HIGHER than five; this player cannot play one card or three cards, only two. As well, three, or even four, of the same card may be lead. The only time a player may lay one card in a situation like this is if it is a two (the power card); a single two, beats everything, and the hand ends followed by a new lead.

The roles for each player are as follows:

President: can make any player drink at any time, no-one may make the President drink but self. The Pres is the first player to start each round (benefits of power). And the Pres should never have to refill own beer.
Vice Pres: can make any player drink at any time (except Pres), the only the Pres or self can make the VP drink. The VP goes second in each round.
Normal People: These players can make each other drink as well as the Asshole. They play in the order they finished the previous round; first normal out follows the VP, second normal out follows first, etc.
Asshole: for many reasons, this player is truly the Asshole. This player has to do all dealing of cards, all sweeping of cards after the hands, and can not make any other player drink. The asshole plays last in each round.

A few recommendations, at the end of each round, the players should move seats in order to reflect the hierarchy, and proper playing order. Play your lowest cards first. Abuse the power when Pres or VP, but remember it will always come back to haunt you, especially when abusing the Asshole.

Play as many rounds as desired.

Another (slightly modified) rules:

First of all, the ideal number of people to have play is four. If more than four play, take out enough cards (starting with the threes) or add jokers (jokers come in as high cards - higher than the two) to make sure everyone will be dealt an even number of cards. If more than seven are playing, use two decks of cards. (Hierarchy of cards (l->h) 3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,J,Q,K,A,2,Joker)

The object of the game is to get rid of your cards first. The person who gets rid of their cards first becomes President, the next becomes VP, and so on.

The idea of the hierarchy (President,VP,Treasurer,. . .,asshole) is that as soon as the cards are dealt you can make anyone below you drink. Asshole also has some extra jobs. He must shuffle the cards, sweep the cards after each round is played, and fill everyone's drink. If there is too much for the asshole to do, and the game is slowing down, vice-asshole will be requested to assist the asshole in his duties.

Before the hand starts, President gives the asshole his lowest card, and asshole gives the President his highest card. If either is caught not giving his absolute lowest or highest card (this means breaking up a pair of threes if you are the President) they are automatic asshole for the next hand. If eight or more are playing, President and asshole exchange their two highest and lowest cards, and VP and vice-asshole exchange their one highest and lowest card.

The President leads off the first round. After the first round, whoever won the last round leads the next round. If the person who won threw his last card, the lead follows to the left.

After the first card is led, play follows down the hierarchy. When play reaches you, you can play or pass. You can play by matching the card played or by playing a higher card. Also, if a single card is led, you must follow with a single card. If a pair is led, you must follow with a pair, and so on. If you can not match or beat the card or cards played, you must pass play to the next player. Even if you can play on the cards, you may choose to pass anyway (to save your high cards). The last card played wins the round.

Once a person leads, play only goes around once. For example, if the President leads with a 5, VP plays a J, Treasurer plays a 2, and the asshole passes, the round ends, and the Treasurer leads since he won that round.

Play continues until everyone has thrown all of their cards and the hierarchy is established for the next hand.

Other fun ways to drink more:

Before the hand starts, someone must give the President a toast (this is an opportune time to kiss-ass to the President). If no toast is presented, the President can give out his own punishment.

There is a "social" (everyone must drink) when three cards of the same value are played in one round. Not only for three cards played by different people, but also for triples!

Then there is the board meeting. Everyone starts drinking and is not allowed to stop drinking until the person above him stops drinking (i.e. the VP cannot stop until the Pres. stops, the Tres. cannot stop until the VP stops, et cetera). As you can see, this another disadvantage of being the asshole (low man on the totem pole). Only the President can call a board meeting.

Well, I think that about covers the rules. It can sound like a difficult game at first (don't try to learn it drunk), but it provides hours and hours of entertainment.

I highly recommend this game for a good group of friends who enjoy lots and lots and lots of drinking and fun.

Have fun with it!!!!



Editor’s note, 4/16/2021: This essay was one of the most popular Fingers editions to date, so I recorded a bonus audio version for those of you who prefer listening to reading. Enjoy!
If you’re reading this, you already know. Or maybe you don’t, in which case, allow me to inform you of the death of one Worst Beer Blog, a set of social media accounts that operated as sort of tabloid-cum-clearinghouse for the petty dramas and serious scandals that shaped the online beer discourse for the better part of a decade.
In late March, the guy (I think it was a guy; he went by the pseudonym Peter David when I DM’d with while reporting this story for MEL Magazine—RIP—about boogaloo bois’ hard seltzer obsession) behind the WBB accounts voluntarily deactivated them, going dark on all platforms and leaving behind tens of thousands of confused followers both inside the craft beer establishment and in the broader American drinking public.
I wrote a column examining the accounts’ split legacy for VinePair, and reached out to some industry types for comment. One particular phrase kept coming up: “99% asshole-free.” Here’s a representative example, pulled from my DMs with Austin Beerworks’ co-founder Michael Graham (emphasis mine throughout):
[WBB] showcased a dark side to an industry that likes to represent itself as a ‘99 percent asshole-free,’ passion-driven, creative utopia.
As far as WBB’s legacy goes, I think that’s more or less right, and I argued as much in the column, which, again—please read it! But something that occurred to me after filing that piece: younger and more casual craft beer enthusiasts may not know the backstory of that “99% asshole-free” reference. That’s a shame, because the trajectory of that claim (which is fairly notorious within craft beer business circles at this point) is handy to keep in mind when separating craft brewing’s foundational myths from its operational realities over the past decade.
The quote itself is usually attributed to Sam Calagione, the charismatic founder of Delaware’s Dogfish Head Brewery. The underlying idea is that America’s scrappy craft brewers—unlike the cutthroat multinational macrobrewers monopolizing the country’s tap handles and shelf space with cheap adjunct lagers—were all pals with one another, and mostly good people to boot. As Calagione himself put it to DCist back in 2011:
We say our industry is 99 percent asshole free. So I probably do forget one of every hundred names of the person who was underwhelming. But everyone’s so nice in this industry so I look forward to seeing them a second time.
In 2011, Dogfish Head was one of around 2,200 U.S. craft breweries. These days, we’re closing in on 8,800 (see chart below.) I can’t say I was covering the industry closely at that point, because I was a fresh-out-of-college editorial assistant eating 4-for-$1 dumplings for lunch and dinner and spending my scant free time devising new and more creative ways to obliterate myself on batch quantities of cheap liquor. But the claim that craft brewers shared a sense of us-vs.-them camaraderie certainly rings true with reports from and on that era.
(Notably Barrel-Aged Stout and Selling Out, by Josh Noel of the Chicago Tribune, which focuses on Anheuser-Busch InBev’s decade-long shopping spree. Coincidentally, said spree began with the megabrewer’s acquisition of Chicago’s Goose Island Beer Company in 2011.)
The Brewers Association, the craft brewing industry’s trade group, breaks its count into a few designations, but the trend is uh… pretty clear! Source
This was the era of the true believer; the Davids against the Big Beer Goliath. Craft brewers in 2011 argued, ad nauseam and with confidence, that “a rising tide lifts all boats,” and helped one another with expertise and raw ingredients to grow craft beer’s share of the U.S. beer market, which that year clocked in at just under 6%. (In 2020 it was just over 12%.) To the extent that anyone ever fully bought into the idea that craft brewing was a “movement” and not a marketing expression, they could be forgiven for still believing they were right a decade ago.
As the intervening years unfolded and craft beer became big business in its own right, that would change. “There is something about craft that’s more collegial,” Benj Steinman, the publisher of trade publication Beer Marketer’s Insights, told me in 2015 for a feature on the situation for Thrillist, “but it’s also competitive. And that’s coming more to the forefront with time.” And so it was: craft breweries flooded the market, competing with one another for drinkers’ attention and “share of throat” (one of your humble Fingers editor’s least-favorite industry neologisms!) when they’d only previously had to fight the macros. With camaraderie straining, the industry’s ills—its treatment of women and minorities, its exploitative labor conditions, its awkward correlation to gentrification and displacement—got a lot harder to ignore.
I’ve written about this a lot, and there’s no need to rehash it all in this newsletter (though if you’re interested in reading your pal on the matter, I suggest this, this, and this.) But as it pertains to WBB, the point is that as craft brewing became more of a business throughout the past decade, the claim that it was, or could have ever been, “99% asshole-free” revealed itself as ever more delusional.
[Editor’s note: Yes there are also plenty of wonderful people who work in the industry. Please do not email me angrily proclaiming this, as it is very much Not The Point!]
I don’t remember exactly when David launched WBB—he created its Twitter account in 2013, and the Wayback Machine has crawls of WorstBeerBlog.com dating back to 2016—but it really hit its stride towards the close of last decade, and came on particularly strong in 2020. This was a particularly bad time to be a true believer. Within the beer business, macrobrewers and private-equity players pretty successfully coopted and commodified the craft beer “revolution,” while hype beer and hard seltzer undercut category boosters’ bright-eyed theses about American drinkers’ unquenchable thirst for quality and locality.
Outside it, the Trump administration picked at the country’s scabbed-over socioeconomic and cultural wounds for four years, then the coronavirus pandemic jammed its thumb in each and every one of them. Taken together, these developments shredded craft brewing’s already-frayed sense of exceptionalism.
Rather than railing against the corporate suits beyond the gates, industry commentators have been increasingly confronted by—and in the case of WBB and a few others, confronting—the rot eating away at craft brewing’s sterling self-image. That can’t have been a pleasant paradigm shift to come to grips with for one-time true believers (which, judging by early blog posts with headlines like “Corporate Beer Sucks,” David may have been.) But at some point, the American craft brewing business, and the larger community of enthusiasts that orbits it, has to grow up. And what is recognition that the craft beer business has as many assholes—and attracts as many—as any other business, if not growth? The first step to fixing anything is acknowledging it’s broken, et cetera.
So death to craft beer’s “99% asshole-free” myth, says I, and remember: your Fingers editor is always all-ears for tip-offs of beer business bullshit, and would love to hear from you.
Programming note: Thanks to everyone who joined me, Jessica Infante (Brewbound) and Kate Bernot (Good Beer Hunting/Craft Beer & Brewing) on Clubhouse the other week. We’re doing another edition of BEER BYLINERS this Wednesday (4/14) at 7pm EST to talk about the beer industry’s latest headlines, trends, and whatever else comes up. If you need an invite to the app, let me know—I have a few extra. See you then!
Source call: I am looking to speak with college kids (current or recently graduated) about hard seltzer. This is for a store and not a joke, so if you are one or you know one, please get in touch!
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this quote was more of an inside joke that referred to one very specific brewer/brewery at the time of the statement (after they sold the new saying was the craft beer world is now 100% asshole free) and, like most quotes, has now taken on a very misunderstood life of its own.
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