Ass Sex Legends
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Ass Sex Legends
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[ NSFW WARNING: We'll keep this post clean apart from a bit of language, but we are talking about pornography here, which is generally considered NSFW in most workplaces. Please don't get in trouble by reading this article when and where you shouldn't. Okay? Let's continue. ]
"It's Ass Sex Legends." That's the very first line of the YouTube trailer for the newly announced porn parody of Apex Legends (opens in new tab) from WoodRocket and its partner Pornhub. Just in case you were wondering what an Apex Legends porn would be called. It's Ass Sex Legends.
I'm not sure where to begin. I guess we'll start with the press release I received earlier today, which brought new meaning to the disclaimer, "for immediate release."
"Drop your pants and grab your joysticks!" WoodRocket advises. "The porn companies that brought you the hit sexy spoofs, Fortnut and Bowsette XXX, are about to put the Butt back into Button Mashing. WoodRocket and Pornhub are proud to present the porn parody, A** Sex Legends, an anal homage to the smash hit video game, Apex Legends."
I knew I recognized that name from somewhere: Wood Rocket is the same studio that made the Bowsette porn parody which trampled all over Mario lore (opens in new tab) . Because of course it is. Unbeknownst to me, their catalog also includes "Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles, Strokémon, and Laygo." Well, I'm sure Respawn is thrilled to see Apex Legends receive "an anal homage" from such a prolific studio.
Anyway, back to that trailer, which is relatively SFW (just sex toys and some language) and viewable below. While still blinking in surprise after having that title shouted at me, I was surprised to learn that this porn parody is weirdly cynical about the game it's parodying. The trailer describes Apex Legends as "a totally unique and original game that is not almost exactly the same as Fortnite and PUBG, or a myriad of other games that it is the same as," and with sarcasm so thick you could spread it on a croissant. I mean, sure, Apex Legends is a battle royale game with battle royale mechanics, but between its ingenious ping communication (opens in new tab) , Jumpmaster drop system, and revive mechanic, it's also staggeringly innovative. But then, you don't go to a porn parody for informed critique. You go there to laugh at the proper nouns, so let's move onto the cast.
The parody stars Mirod (Mirage), Gaipth (Wraith), and Penisfinder (Pathfinder). I'd like to point out that Penisfinder's head is just a male masturbator. The cast is armed with all manner of sex toys standing in for different rarities of gear, and in the trailer alone, delivers such zingers as:
In decidedly non-pornographic news, the Apex Legends battle pass (opens in new tab) is here - here's how much it costs and what's in it.
Austin freelanced for the likes of PC Gamer, Eurogamer, IGN, Sports Illustrated, and more while finishing his journalism degree, and he's been with GamesRadar+ since 2019. They've yet to realize that his position as a staff writer is just a cover up for his career-spanning Destiny column, and he's kept the ruse going with a focus on news and the occasional feature.
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The estranged comedy-sex team of Jerry Langdon and Dizzy Martini, long missing from the X-rated movie screen, attempt to reconcile and make a comeback. The estranged comedy-sex team of Jerry Langdon and Dizzy Martini, long missing from the X-rated movie screen, attempt to reconcile and make a comeback. The estranged comedy-sex team of Jerry Langdon and Dizzy Martini, long missing from the X-rated movie screen, attempt to reconcile and make a comeback.
Everybody Bangs Somebody Sometime Written by Cash Markman Performed by Philip Franchini
One of the strangest sex movies ever takes on Lewis & Martin!
This may take some imagination, but try to picture Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin, back in their comedy team heyday, as song and dance sex performers. And that's exactly what this movie does! But there's more. It takes place twenty years after the adult movie team of Langley & Martini broke up. Gerry Langley and Dizzy Martini are now trying to bury the hatchet and make a come back, but the kind of dirty movies they did, back in the Golden Era of the 1970s, are long out of style - and so are they, as performers. Interviews with real adult movie legends, like Nina Hartley, Ona Zee, and Buck Adams, treat Langley & Martini as if they really existed, and we see many vintage clips of them doing their schtick from their glory days, all intercut with them as older but not necessarily wiser has-been celebrities. It's a strange premise, and stranger movie, but Steve Austin, doing a dead on Jerry Lewis impression (both young and old), and Herschel Savage, acting very much like Dean Martin, will prove that there is talent out there in Porn Valley.
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Look on something like Pornhub and you’ll probably find something new to kill your interest in Respawn Entertainment’s new battle royale. This Apex Legends porn parody, “imaginatively” called “Ass Sex Legends”, has now been revealed on the internet, because nothing is sacred anymore and porn needs any new idea it can get.
Porn parodies are, unfortunately, not unique in the world of video games. Back when Blizzard’s hero shooter Overwatch came out, traffic for Overwatch porn on the internet skyrocketed, and that’s not even getting into articles like this Fanbyte one that establishes Dark Souls boss rankings based on kissability , even if it is a satirical article. Keep in mind Dark Souls bosses include everything from human enemies, to dragons, to giant skeletons.
The Apex Legends porn parody comes after the porn parody of Fortnite when that game became popular, and is just as irreverent (and uncreative) as that source material. Whether it’s the robot character Pathfinder being changed to “Penisfinder”, or the characters wanting to drop in “Skullfuck Town”, if creativity isn’t really your kind of thing for porn setups, the video will probably be for you.
Considering how popular Apex Legends is, with over 50 million players playing only a short time after release, it’s not much of a surprise that the porn industry decided to make a video parodying it, especially slipping in jokes about how Apex Legends is also following the battle royale bandwagon.
While we’re not going to actually link the trailer for the Apex Legends porn parody, you can still find it with a simple Google search (as long as you have safe search turned off), so if it’s your sort of thing all you have to do is Google it. Otherwise, if you haven’t picked up Apex Legends by now, you can play it on the Xbox One, Playstation 4, and PC.
5 Of The All-Time Craziest Urban Legends About Sex Gone SO BAD
Photo: Jan Harold Brunvand, "The Big Book of Urban Legends," Paradox Press, (c) 1994.
Photo: Jan Harold Brunvand, "The Big Book of Urban Legends," Paradox Press, (c) 1994.
Photo: Jan Harold Brunvand, "The Big Book of Urban Legends," Paradox Press, (c) 1994.
Photo: Jan Harold Brunvand, "The Big Book of Urban Legends," Paradox Press, (c) 1994.
Photo: Jan Harold Brunvand, "The Big Book of Urban Legends," Paradox Press, (c) 1994.
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By Tom Burns — Written on Jul 28, 2016
Sometimes, when you’re out at the bar with your friends, someone, at the end of the night, will start telling you about the craziest sex story they’ve ever heard . They SWEAR it happened to their friend’s cousin and, as you laugh and cringe at the details, a part of your brain thinks, “This sounds familiar.”
And it should sound familiar. Because it’s an urban legend .
It did NOT actually happen to your friend’s cousin.
It’s just a well-known legend about shame and sexual scandal that has been co-opted, re-mixed, and reinterpreted again and again. Yes, the teller of the tales might add some original details to their mythical sex stories , but there are researchers and folklorists who can track the origins of these stories throughout the ages.
One of the best-known urban legend scholars is Jan Harold Brunvand and his fantastic books — like The Encyclopedia of Urban Legends and The Big Book of Urban Legends — are filled with examples of hilarious and heartbreaking sex stories that people have been trying to pass off as real for decades.
So, the story of the couple who had sex in their car, got stuck, and had to honk the horn until someone found them? NOT TRUE. The story about the woman who performed oral sex on her husband while he was working under his car, only to realize later that the man was the mechanic? NOT TRUE. The story of the older married couple who got pregnant because their sexually-active daughter was replacing Mom’s birth-control pills with baby aspirin? NOT TRUE.
But they’re the kinds of stories that we WISH were true, right?
Maybe that’s why these urban legends have persisted so long. Because they’re just perfect little campfire stories and cautionary tales that reflect every weird anxiety we have about sex.
With that in mind, here are FIVE of our all-time favorite sexual urban legends , stories that you might swear happened to the friend-of-a-friend, but, trust us, they probably didn’t.
There are MANY different versions of this one (including a few that have been fictionalized for TV). Broadly, the story involves a man who thinks that his family has forgotten his birthday. Feeling neglected, he goes to work and finds that his beautiful secretary has remembered. She takes him out to lunch and then invites him back to her apartment for a birthday drink. He agrees and, when they get there, his secretary tells him to “make himself comfortable” while she gets the drinks.
So, while she’s gone, he strips naked, expecting sex as his ultimate birthday gift. But, she calls him into the next room and…
It’s really a surprise party. His co-workers, wife, and kids are all there, as he stands naked and ashamed.
[Here’s a very cheesy reenactment from the TV series Mostly True Stories: Urban Legends Revealed .]
This one is super creepy and has a strange sense of realness when you hear stories like Gay Talese’s New Yorker article “The Voyeur’s Motel,” all about a man who bought a motel and spent decades spying on his guests having sex.
In the “Filmed in the Act” legend , a married couple check into a romantic-themed motel for their anniversary and have passionate sex. A few years later, they return to the same motel and decide to get in the mood by watching some X-rated movies. They turn on the motel’s porno channel and begin watching a movie, quickly realizing that the room in the video looks VERY familiar.
Suddenly it hits them. The porno is a hidden camera video of them having sex on their anniversary night years ago.
This one is a teenage boy’s worst nightmare , but there’s evidence that this well-worn legend started as far back as the 1940s.
The set-up is simple. A young man, nervous about a blind date, heads to a pharmacy to buy some condoms. At first, he’s too shy to ask, but a friendly pharmacist quickly realizes want he wants. The pharmacist gets the condoms, joking that he hopes the kid scores tonight and becomes a regular customer. So, later that night, the kid arrives at his date’s house, knocks in the door, and…
… the pharmacist is the girl’s father. (Uh-oh.)
It is the ultimate Halloween sex mix-up. A husband and wife are getting ready to go to a Halloween party, but the wife feels ill and decides not to go. An hour later, she feels better and heads to the party. (There are variations of the story where she purposely plays sick so she can show up later and make sure that her husband isn’t cheating on her.)
When she gets to the party, she sees her masked husband flirting and dancing with other women. NOW she wants to get even. Her husband never saw her costume, so she pretends to be another woman and tries to seduce him. It works and they head into a back-room and have passionate sex with their masks on.
The wife heads home, planning to angrily confront her husband about his cheating. When he eventually gets home, she asks “How was the party?” He tells her that the party was boring and he quickly abandoned it to go play cards with his friends, giving his costume to another man.
As the wife realizes what she’s done, the husband comments, “But the guy who had my costume told me he had a HELL of a good time.”
This is a sex urban legend that started out as a myth, but, unfortunately, became a reality over the past two decades.
There are unverifiable media reports of this story as early as 1980 , but the tale itself is pretty simple.
Basically, a woman catches her husband or boyfriend cheating on her, so, while he’s sleeping, she super-glues his penis to his leg, resulting in a lot of pain and a VERY awkward emergency room visit.
One of the more famous versions of this story involved the claim that actress Sean Young pulled the super-glue penis trick on James Woods while they were going out. ( Woods denies it .)
It was a pure legend… until 2000. After that, there have been verifiable accounts of the super-glue trick actually happening, probably inspired by the urban legend.
For example, in May 2000, Gail O'Toole of Murrysville, PA not only super-glued her ex-boyfriend's penis to his stomach , but she also glued his butt-checks together, wrote all over his body with nail polish, and forced him to walk a mile to a gas station to call for help. (She ended up having to pay him over $40,000.)
If these sexual urban legends sound horrific to you, just remember — there ARE people out there who sometimes try to turn these myths into reality.
So, be careful or else you’ll become the cautionary sex story that people tell each other at last call on a Friday night.
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