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Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia
October 2, 2017 By Jeff 36 Comments
Last weekend Toney and I were walking through Sam’s Club and passed our neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Half-Shirt. And we stared straight into the eyes of pure, undiluted hatred. They can’t stand me, especially, but don’t like Toney either. Sure, it’s easy (and probably prudent) to just say ‘fuck ’em.’ But I have to admit it bothers me a little. I mean, we’re not that bad. In fact, we’re pretty good. We’re quiet and stable, and create no neighborhood drama. We could have a passel of snarling pitbulls over here, and work on our 1984 Caprice in the driveway at all hours, and get credenza-shitting drunk and fight each other on the lawn while cranking the Atlanta Rhythm Section.
But they don’t approve of the fact that I don’t put lawncare at the very top of my priority list. Our yard always looks fine, but there’s is like some kind of showplace. And so, our levels of enthusiasm don’t match-up, which causes problems. He’s one of these guys who practically zig-zags around his backyard during the fall, doing shoulder-rolls and Pete Rose dives as each individual leaf floats toward the grass. We just get to ours as soon as we can, and that makes them INSANE.
Also, years ago they got it into their heads that we were responsible for their basement flooding. They said our downspouts were pointed in their direction, causing rain water to enter their house. I reminded them that the downspouts have been pointed the same direction since 1966. But they would not be convinced. One early morning they called over here and began shouting all sorts of craziness down the line, and I got pissed and ran over there. It was raining, my feet flew out from under me, and I went sliding down the hill on my back. I was wearing Dockers and a dress shirt, and was now smeared in mud from bottom to top. And Mrs. Half-Shirt and I got into a heated argument on their patio. Nothing has ever been the same, even after I paid someone to reconfigure the downspouts, to satisfy their delusions.
It’s been years now, and they won’t even acknowledge us. In fact, they’re fairly hostile. They want it to be known that they hate our guts, and are quite successful in the endeavor. I sometimes find myself altering my driving route, to avoid getting an icy stare from one of them. Other times, depending on my mood, I just smile and wave, and shout, “Top o’ the morning, Halfy!”
Whatever. It’s not a huge thing, and I rarely even think about it. But when you come face-to-face with both of them by an Oreo floor display… it’s uncomfortable. And it bothers me a little. Ya know? I don’t think I deserve to be HATED. Sheesh. I’m about as laid-back and easy as they come. Oh well.
In the comments please tell us about the worst neighbors you’ve encountered. I can’t really remember any other spectacularly bad ones, other than some upstairs apartment neighbors in Greensboro who never stopped copulating. Good god! The frequency… the tempo… the howling…. It was extremely distracting. And that was a million years ago. Do you have anything on this one? If so, please share.
And I need to get moving , my friends.
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Our former neighbor with his 800 horsepower Mustang was a total putz, but he is clearly out-done by our newest ones. They have a dog, and don’t get me wrong, I love dogs, but whenever they let him out he barks.the.whole.time! Of course, he’s a “rescue” and somehow that’s supposed to make me feel better, but I like my peace and quiet. And did I mention that they put him outside and then leave? Oh yeah, they do!
I have had a steady stream of terrible neighbors at the rental next door. The first was a neo-nazi with Iron Crosses painted on all of his vehicles and a nazi flag flying proudly out back. He moved out after a domestic disturbance of some sort and was promptly replaced by a woman and her grown children who sold drugs out of the house. Got to see the US Marshals kick in their door and take them all out in cuffs. They were replaced with the current neighbors, who have excessive scrap metal and piles of pallets all over the property. The elder male of the family decided to get into a screaming match with me over my dogs being outside (in our fenced in yard) and the law ended up being called by another neighbor…while the male that started the fight ran off on foot and disappeared before the cops showed up. He then put up a ramshackle fence on my side of the property line, less than 8 feet from my chain link fence. He’s a douchenozzle supreme. Can’t wait for him to get evicted.
My neighbor in Arkansas was so bad I can’t even go there. It started before they even moved in. There was no way around crossing their path, 8 years of total hell. The April before God decided to graced us with sudden move to South Carolina in July, this mother fuckers dogs came into my yard and killed my little Bichon. If you only knew.
It was a hifalutin neighborhood to beat all.
I had a neighbor who sold my garage to some neighborhood kids as a clubhouse back in the 80s.
One of the kids was from a family who was well known to CPS. So well known that the hospitals here all had standing orders to call CPS when new kids were born…
I would have no reservations telling a neighbor like that to “drink bleach” at every opportunity. You run into them at the store and instead of a casual “hi” or “howdy neighbor”, you just say “drink bleach asshole” and walk on by. Doesn’t solve the problem, but why bother trying to solve anything with people like that.
Moreover, it would take about all the willpower and restraint I could muster to not leave a half-gallon of bleach on their doorstep a few times a year.
We lived next to an old guy who started out friendly, but soon turned angry and downright malevolent. We’d been warned by other neighbors, but foolishly chose to see for ourselves. Oh, we saw all right. He was constantly at war with damn near everyone, mailing angry letters, shooting pellet guns at houses, and just generally pissing everyone off. He never let up and was continually feuding with someone.
At one point he asked my husband and I to take over the care of his dog (he felt that he couldn’t do it anymore). We politely declined. A year or so later he had a stroke and died. When extended family members came to clear out his hoarder house they found the dog’s body—shot through the head—in a box on top of an abandoned RV in the backyard.
Oh yes, but thankfully they downsized and moved to a home for the bewildered last year. Horrible people who got their kicks annoying others. I don’t hope they have died, but if they have I’m cool with it.
Tom Petty? Are you serious? Isn’t today shitty enough already!!
Jeff, glad you and the Secret got to see Mr. Petty.
Wow, where to start in this Disneyland of a neighborhood. The rather large (code for obese) guy across the street has been busted about a half dozen times so far for dealing drugs. He runs a meth lab in his bedroom (not an exaggeration). The house behind them is inhabited by a single mom who’s never home and her teenage kid. Apparently the mongrel they have is infinitely smarter than the kid because he’s out running loose in the neighborhood all the time…which really thrills my dog when it’s running around our front yard. And not to forget the back of my house, we have a family of rednecks who I’ve been waiting for years for the a-hole kids to grow up and move. And then they build a whole freaking garage apartment for one of them in the back yard. Now him and his friends work on jacked-up trucks, idling them without mufflers, into the rather late hours of the evening. Two more years to retirement and then we leave skid marks.
I have some who are moving out today. The house got condemned. They woke me up most of the summer with their no muffler car among other things. I can’t say I will miss them.
Wow… my neighbors are all great except for the one right next door who has a beagle and doesn’t believe in weed control. Simple solution was paying TruGreen $3,000 a year for pre-emergent treatment in my yard and about $20,000 on a good cedar fence.
Now that his dogs’ views are all blocked my babies can shit in peace on a nice, weedless, costal bermuda turf.
I don’t have a beagle, but if I did I wouldn’t poison him.
I can’t think of a really bad neighbor experience, but I do have to say – “I’m about as laid-back and easy as they come.” Seriously?
Are Mr and Ms Half-Shirt still dedicated Michael McDonald fans?
Let’s see, at my first apartment (which was tiny one bedroom efficiency jammed into one side of a two car garage) the neighbors kept a little barking bundle of joy tied up right outside my bedroom window. That little bitch was a prolific barker. I like dogs but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish death on that dog and its master every day for a year.
Then I got married and “moved on” up Jefferson’s style. The new apartment was situated in a rather nice building. We never actually met our upstairs neighbor but we knew his name was Allen or Alan or Allan because his female companion was fond of moaning his name over and over while we tried to sleep. While aggravating most of the time, it sometimes got the wife revved up. I don’t recall her ever moaning my name in the ensuing moments of passion.
We moved out after our lease was up and wound up in the bottom floor apartment of a converted two story house. Another Allen/Alan/Allan lived upstairs. How do I know? His significant other screamed his name all the time too but there wasn’t a trace of pleasure in her tone. This apartment was also memorable for the creepy neighbors that lived across street. They were constantly prying through their windows at us. My wife dubbed them the “Klopeks” after the creepy family from the movie The ‘Burbs.
The neighbor situation drastically improved when we moved to the “country”. Now it takes a deliberate effort to interact with our neighbors.
She may not have moaned your name, but at least she didn’t moan Allen”s.
We currently live in the best neighborhood known to man, and have the nicest neighbors. We were welcomed in with fruit platters and snack trays and even dinner gift cards our first week. We have an HOA, so there are rules that have to be followed, but nothing too extreme. Several have the same yard guy, so it’s on us to keep up that level, and my husband is pleased as punch to tackle that task. Our yard won’t win any awards, but we aren’t the worst on the block, and that suits us just fine.
Before we moved to our current place, we lived in a much older neighborhood, with much smaller houses and no HOA. Our immediate neighbors were great, but their next door neighbors were hoarding rednecks.
They had built on to their house several times, unpermitted of course, to house all of the sh*t they collected. The teenage hooligans came and went at odd hours, their yard was a filthy mess, there was even a kids car, the electric kind they can ride in, on their roof…Its been there at least a decade. A myriad of junk cars and pedophile vans frequent their house at all hours of the day, except the early morning when normal people go to work. The older lady, I’m guessing mom or grandma, would be out in the yard in her bikini planting flowers in the old tire or digging up random spots of landscaping She was NOT someone you wanted to be doing yardwork in a bikini.
We have friends who still live next door to them, and we ask if the rednecks are still there, and they always respond YES, and their hoard is growing. I’m pretty sure the mouse problem we had in our shed was overflow from their place.
Lew my friend, count your blessings. I lived in the same kind of neighborhood. All the same age, same aged kids, we’d meet at the little neighborhood pool every evening and have drinks while the kids swam. Then one day the next door neighbor moved out and couldn’t find a buyer. A year later they gave it away to the SOB-MF!! He broke all the convenance and the board did nothing!! I started calling my side of the neighborhood “the wrong side of the tracks” because only myself and 3 other families had to look at that shit hole everyday. The 4 families are gone now. I’m the only one that left the state.
lived in an apartment on 3rd floor of a typical complex after a divorce I had in ’08. just below me, 2 younger girls who, NIGHTLY, brought random men home. All night youd hear sex noises, loud music, it was every single night. I would piss off my balcony onto theirs.
they got evicted due to multiple complaints.
Well yank my trousers and call me Mary: Came out to check on an update, forgetting that today is Oil Can Boyd’s birthday. See you all Monday.
Meridian, Mississippi; home of Peavey. Also home of a doucheketeer I knew in college, who was way not cool enough to be called Oil Can.
Yeah, the cocksuckers downstairs from me are pure trash, 2 adults, a kid and 2 Pitt mix dogs in an efficiency. No money for food, but they have 2 vehicles and a house full of high powered stereo shit, stupid motherfuckers, yeah, drink bleach is the kindest thing I’d be able to say to those white trash pieces of shit.
My neighbor has been a ass hole from the one day she moved in . Shes mentally Ill she takes drugs for it she should be in the mental hospital .Shes a peeking tom trying to see some thing thats not there ,She has vandalism my home with her retarded stupid peace of shit son .her yard looks like a shit hole bringing down the neighborhood . she has not put a cent in to her property she moved in .she used to set off out her home alarm all hours day and night with no help from the cops .dogs braking all day and night long . throws garbage on my property .threaten to cut my Christmas light off my house. she gos past me house gives me and the wife the finger the bird and when you give it back she calls the cops , she has dogs and cats that she vocal abuses them . she screams day and night like a crazy woman .she picks on the foreign people that lived in the neighborhood calling them mean names .the town here is used less to help us ,she has not payed property taxes or a mortgage in eight years the bank is paying them god only knows why .its in bankrupt but its a shit hole and no one wants it she owes to much on it and not the price ..she drinks wine and drives . she walks her dogs on my property called the cops got threaten by her screaming at me shes going get me . she so out of it she thinks she can tell people how to live .she has called the cops on us so much they hate to come there ..and the town the water department watering my yard animal control we had a dog we let out to a pen to do her business the crazy bitch didn,t like that and called. she has no property lines she thinks she owns .every thing . am sure there is more but i can,t remember it all . And now you are wondering why i don,t move the home has been my wife family for over a hundred years. farm house and dam it i lived here first.,and were to old to move again .!
My neighbor blames me for roaches in his apartment. I live in Hawaii. Roaches come with living here. Whenever my roommate and I leave and come home he complains about the door closing. It gets worse. He’s called me an asshole and my friend a bitch (including on the street when we are minding our own business). He’s come over to my place unannounced. One day he followed me for about a 6 minute walk to work on his bike. He eavesdrops on our conversations, even through our own walls. He makes comments about hearing me when I go downstairs to wash clothes. Yet he listens to music and watches tv during the early morning hours, and none of us have ever complained. I also hear him complaining about living in Hawaii and the people here. I honestly could care less. The neighbor before him was an insomniac, so I am used to it. I also work five days a week and go to college five days a week, so I am too busy than to deal with this stuff.
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Honestly I just need to vent lol. Our neighbor is such a jerk. It started when one day my car battery died and my boyfriend needed to put his car next to mine to connect the jumper cables. It takes no more than 10, 15 mins do this. Our neighbor owes the house next to ours and is never home, we believe he uses the house for storage. The one time we needed to block his parking spot for. Little while to jump my car he shows up. He starts cussing at us saying we're not allowed to f*_@n park here and we need to move our s@#t car right away and we have no right. We knew we shouldn't be parking there but we have a legitimate reason and only needed a few more minutes but HE. IS. JUST. A. ASSHOLE.
So we moved the car and they parked. Some lady came out of the car and approached me being VERY nice asking if everything was okay and if we needed help. I think she must have been his gf or something. And I bluntly said "No we don't need your help, it would have been nice if you weren't such jerks before and asked us to move politely". This obviously pissed off our neighbor(who is a male btw) and he starts yelling at me saying "okay mom I'll starting taking lessons from you." And "okay, you want me to feel sorry for you? BecauseI don't"
And like the little bitch that he is he walked away.
Had you been apologetic to the man and his gf [Edit: previously "Mom"], I think you would have seen the gf [Edit: previously "Mom"] tell him off for his poor behaviour. As it is, gf [Edit: previously "Mom"] was embarrassed by your response and not able to correct her bf [Edit: previously "son"].
I suggest you write an "Asshold Neighbor" story, for your own use, from his point of view about how you were on his parking spot, didn't want to move, and were abusive to his sweet gf [Edit: Previously Mother] when she came over to smooth things over. If you can write such a story, you will find it helpful.
Sorry- I read this carelessly and thought the girl was his Mom not gf.
He was calling OP “mom” sarcastically. OP said it was his gf that was embarrassed. I feel he was an asshole, all OP was trying to do was jump her car and he couldn’t wait 10 mins, dick move.
Meh its over, don’t give it more life than it needs to. That really wasn’t terrible as far as confrontations go. At least there was an offer for peace from the woman. Be happy they are absintee neighbors. As an absentee owner and you being a renter thats present i’d definitley want peace if i was the owner. When they are away, whatever anxiety caused the male’s outburst, will haunt him because he will be imagining possible bad things happening to his property. Play it cool and if they reach out again accept it. But try to get back to focusing on your life.
I love this response, but sadly things have gotten worst as of today. Thanks for the positive response!
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