Ask Polly

Dear Polly,

I am writing because I feel like I'm being a terrible friend, but part of me also doesn't want to be any better. I have had a singular, all-encompassing best friend since freshman year of college. We were a dynamic duo, two for the price of one kind of friendship. I loved having that steadiness, that companionship. We moved to different cities after school, and did our very best to keep up that closeness. But now we're 10 years out, and our friendship just feels very different to me, and I don't find myself actively needing it like I once used to need it. We are still very close, and know everything about each other, but I just find myself not really wanting to prioritize this relationship over others, and definitely not over my existing life that I've spent the past few years building.

My bestie and I keep getting sidelined by long periods of 'feeling distant,’ but I find myself enjoying that space, that room to breathe. My friend, unfortunately, gets very anxious and nervous when that happens. She thinks I'm mad at her when a day or two goes by with little texting. I'm literally never mad, I'm just doing my own thing! But then I hate having to reassure her of this, time and again. Part of the rift, I think, comes from me being relatively happy with my life: I like where I live, I like how I spend my free time, I have beautiful dinner parties with dear friends. My bestie is going through a phase of not knowing what's coming next for her, and that is affecting her mental health quite a lot. I feel for her, I really do, but it does feel like she's porting some of that anxious energy into overplanning our own friendship as a source of stability.

Part of my issue is that I don't want to visit her in her city. We used to visit each other at least 3-4 times a year. Which is a lot! Now that we're older, and I've spent the last decade visiting her in the same city, I frankly just am bored by it and don't want to spend my free time doing that (sheesh that sounds so awful!). I suggest that we meet up in other cities, but she has a tough work schedule that leaves her tired on her time off, so she doesn't like travelling far. Admittedly, I've not flown to see her a few times that I vaguely told her I would -- primarily because I wanted to be in my own city, doing my own life things. I feel shitty for letting her down, but I also don't feel that bad because it's what I want for myself.

Most recently, I spontaneously flew to a different city to throw an engagement party for a dear friend of mine who I'm so happy for. I love visiting this city, and had an amazing weekend there. But when I got back from my trip? My bestie cried to me, saying how come I prioritize seeing those friends and not her. She said she feels like I want to see other people more than I want to see her.

She says I 'owe' her a visit, and I really hate feeling like I am obliged to her, even if she is my bestie. It now feels like a chore, and not something that I want to do because it will make me feel good. It's also a symptom of our personalities: she loves having every second booked, and I get grumpy if I don't have free time in my schedule. We have a trip planned in a few months to a new city, but she wants to also visit each other before that trip, because she has more free time in her work schedule right now. But I feel like our one trip in a few months is enough! And she has shared with me that it's not enough for her, and how come I don't want to see her more too? But honestly, the idea of spending one of my weekends this summer shlepping to see her sounds out of alignment with what I really want. I want a slow, unplanned, unfussy summer. I don't want the summer to whiz by and my weekends entirely booked up. I don't want to spend extra money and time off because I feel obligated to reassure my friend that I still care about her.

I just feel like in the years my bestie and I have lived in other places, we have grown in new directions. We are, of course, still close, and I hope we will always be connected. But I don't need the closeness like I used to, and find that when we are together, we are re-visiting old familiar conversations and ways of being. I feel that I've outgrown our friendship, and would like to try something new, and a little less full-residency. There is some degree of me feeling like I'm constantly watching out for how my bestie is going to read my behavior. If I get grumpy, or hangry, or quiet (I'm an introvert, she is not), she immediately worries that I'm mad at her. To some degree, I feel like I have to take care of her, and look out for her and how she's feeling, instead of just being able to chill with my friend. I've always, and I've never said this, felt like her side-kick. Managing her can really drain me sometimes, even though I love her and she is a wonderful friend to me. That feels so complicated.

I worry I'm being avoidant, and we're trapped in this anxious-avoidant loop. I hate feeling like an aloof asshole, but I also know I can't commit to anything with her, because if I do need to change my plans, she reads it as me prioritizing other people ahead of her. The stakes feel too high. She wants to plan our futures so that we eventually live in the same city, and the thought of that makes me feel like the walls are closing in on me. But then I get really in my head, and think I need to just buck up and show my friend love in the way she is asking for it, and not in the way I feel like I can give it. But then that feels wrong too.

It's worth saying, maybe in some sad attempt at not trying to come off like such a fucking asshole, but I don't relate this way in any of my other friendships. Those are more 'come as you are, I'm just happy to see you' style friendships, when any time spent together is great. I am a relatively low-key person, and highly independent.

What should I do? The world of female friendship is so difficult to navigate. I love this friend, and I need space. I don't want to plan our futures so that they align. I want her to want to plan her own future for herself. That's what I'm doing, and probably why I enjoy the distance. I can't put her ahead of everything else. Am I telling myself some old story? Is that not what's really going on here? How do I put on my big girl pants and tell this friend what is actually going on for me, without totally losing her, or freaking her out, or making her feel like her way of relating is wrong? How can both of us get our needs met?

The Aloof Best Friend

Dear TABF,

I’ve been the anxious friend and the aloof one. I’ve read too much into innocuous situations and I’ve also grown weary of people who overreact to every lapse in contact. And while nine times out of ten, it’s a good idea to step back from any moment of frustration or claustrophobia, observe your feelings, and move into a place of patience and compassion for everyone involved, there is that one time when you realize that you have to say something. And I think that’s where you are now.

Your best friend has a fantasy of how your friendship should look. This alone isn’t bad. Some of my most treasured friendships have been forged in the heat of shared fantasies about how close two people can be, how much they can give to each other, how important they can be in each other’s lives.

But your friend is riding on the fumes of an outdated fantasy now, and life has changed. It’s harsh but it’s true: You don’t want the same things. And let’s not make it some moral outrage that your feelings might’ve changed along the way. Because it’s natural, when you’re building new relationships and your old friend is increasingly anxious about whether or not you value those friends MORE than her, that you would feel crowded and evasive and stressed out about that.

I think what you say about your friend is true, and is often true of all kinds of friends, not just the anxiously attached ones: She’s taking her anxiety about her life in general and projecting it onto your friendship. Suddenly the things that she alone needs to do in order to feel good in her life are partially your responsibility. She makes sounds like she can’t move forward and feel good and happy and safe unless you’re texting her back quickly. She acts like adding an extra vacation on top of an already planned one is logical and necessary and doing otherwise is callous and unfair. She implies that you are insulting her and hurting her feelings simply by hinting that you might value your new friends just as much as you value her.

It’s not like she has actual complaints about you being unkind to her. She’s not saying “You said a harsh thing!” or “I dislike the way you act when I see you!” or “I have real qualms with your attitude and behavior and choices!” What she seems to be saying and implying is that you’re creating a crisis in her life just by living your own life separately.

Her idea is that, as best friends since college, you should prioritize your friendship with her over all others, even when you’re far away from each other. And when the question is “Do you care more about your new friends than you care about me?” the only correct answer is “Of course not! They’re fine but you’re the most important person in my whole life and I will always put your first over everyone else.”

Maybe there are people who can say that to a friend and mean it over the course of their entire lives, no matter what changes for them. And maybe that’s the best kind of best friendship you could possibly have! But here’s the thing: You don’t have those feelings, and you don’t really seem to want that kind of friendship. You want something that’s more flexible than that, and you don’t want to feel like a bad person just for being who you are and wanting what you want.

So I think you need to be more upfront about who you are and what you want moving forward. I think things will only get worse with this friend until you do that. Normally, you could just SHOW a friend the type of friendship you want by checking in here and there and traveling here and there to see each other, at a pace that suits you. And that friend could petition for more or less, or they could show you what they want in their own unspoken way. But in this case, your friend wants constant contact, and she takes anything less than that very personally. She wants a trip before the trip, and she seems poised to proclaim anything less a clear sign of your lack of love for her and an inability to prioritize her, which is one of the fundamental expectations she has of you. So you need to tell her directly that you don’t think you’re capable of living up to her expectations.

Good friendships CAN include dropping everything to help someone when they’re having a bad time. Obviously this is the case! I don’t want anyone to misread what I’m saying here. But your friend is letting you know what she expects, not just while she’s struggling but also forever, and these aren’t things you’ll ever be able to do. You’ve struggled up until now to do enough, and now you’re noticing that you FEEL A LOT LESS EXCITED ABOUT HER because you’re doing a big chunk of what you do out of obligation instead of love.

Obligation is a factor in love, and intimacy, and long-term relationships, mind you. When someone says all of the right words but shows you with their actions that you aren’t a priority in their lives, that’s information. When someone makes it clear that they feel zero obligation to budge an inch out of their way for you, or they make it clear that they never really take your needs into account, yet they continue to pay lip service to the idea of you as a truly important person in their life, it’s good to notice that and consider how it makes you feel. Reshuffling your priorities based on THE WAY PEOPLE ACT is smart! Even avoidant introverts can find themselves shocked by how little a friend is able to show up for them. And it’s not needy or unfair for a friend to say, “Your actions are making me question how high a priority I should make you in my life.”

We can make choices without having big fights over them. We can make private choices and we can also have hard conversations about what we want. We might disagree at times, but we can put these issues on the table and talk about them openly anyway. And when someone treats a simple, upfront conversation about what you each need as a direct insult to them and a moral failure on your part, when you know you’re doing your best and you often go out of your way for that person, that’s indicative of a lot of emotional turmoil and projection that has nothing to do with you.

Friendships aren’t simple, and the more important they are to you, the messier they can sometimes get. In life in general, it’s not just acceptable but also COMMON to feel like you’re failing other people, or to feel like they’re failing you. It is common to expect too much of yourself and others. It is common to feel angry at other people simply for not giving you everything you want, too! It’s stupid that these things are so common, and it’s stupid to expect too much, and it’s stupid to try to please everyone all the time, but it happens constantly. So remember that, as you move through this and try to talk to your friend. Forgive her and forgive yourself.

More than anything else, though, remember that there will come a time when you’ll FEEL your love for her much more than you feel it right now. Part of the reason you don’t have faith in the friendship is that you don’t have faith that you can tell the truth and she’ll accept it. And maybe you don’t have faith that you’re a person who CAN SIMPLY TELL THE TRUTH, which means that you don’t feel, at some deep level, that you HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO TELL THE TRUTH. You believe that you should be a better friend. You feel obligated not just to give this friendship a lot of chances and be there for her when she’s sad and anxious, but also to behave like the perfect bestie even when you’re not feeling it.

And as long as you behave like the perfect bestie while feeling like a grumpy, distant Hobbit who wants to be left alone, you won’t feel that much for your friend. The truth, gently delivered, will give you a path back to your love for her.

So that’s what I think you should tell her. I think you should explain that you have been feeling distant and evasive, and you don’t want to feel that way. You don’t want to destroy this friendship by letting her down but not saying anything about what you REALLY WANT, and then wake up ten years from now and miss her and wish that you two were still friends. You don’t want to crush your friendship, not at all. But you want to FEEL IT MORE. And to feel it more, you have to be very clear about what you want and what your priorities are.

Your needs and priorities will change, and so will hers. But right now, your priority is to build a life where you are. And even when you feel more and you need her more, you will never really want to text her back all day long. That’s not the ideal friendship to you. You love her but you want to be different sorts of besties than that. And if that’s disappointing and it sucks, you get it, but you know that you’ll just show up less and less the more you feel like you have to do whatever she wants, even when you need some time to yourself, or she’ll make you feel like you’ve failed her.

That’s intimacy, and that’s maturity: Telling people the truth, and making space for them to have their own strong opinions and strong desires. It goes without saying that some people can handle it and some people can’t. But as someone who can be anxious and expect too much in friendships and can also be avoidant, I can tell you that the truth, when delivered gently, rarely feels unfair or punitive to me. It doesn’t trigger my anxious side. It reassures me that the other person cares enough to tell me the truth.

Now obviously I am a real lover of honest, direct words even when they’re a little difficult to hear! And some people believe they want honesty when they actually want to be handled and soothed and reassured around the clock. But in your current friendship, it doesn’t matter which type of person your friend is. You’re going to keep letting her down, feeling how you feel and knowing what you know right now. Exerting a boundary and making your separate needs clear WHILE ALSO STATING YOUR LOVE FOR HER AND YOUR COMMITMENT TO HER is the very best way for you to avoid letting her down and avoid destroying the friendship.

And if you don’t say some direct, honest words to her, you could end up in a situation where she moves to your city and THEN you dump her and she becomes your lifelong enemy. That sounds extreme, but trust me, avoidant people pleasers wind up in all kinds of fucked up situations, thanks to their inability to open their mouths and tell the truth. People who dislike their mothers have MOTHERS MOVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO THEM, and soon they aren’t talking to their mothers anymore. People who slowly but surely stop telling their spouses the truth end up having affairs and rearranging their whole lives, simply because it’s natural to stop having feelings for someone you no longer trust with your most honest, real self.

You keep your feelings for someone and your connection to them alive by telling the truth. Good marriages and friendships and relationships with your parents are dependent on gentle honesty, firm boundaries, and mutual respect. Saying no makes it possible to say yes more often. Being clear but gentle invites other people to be clear and gentle with you. Refusing to give MUCH MORE than you really want to makes it possible to relocate the part of you that loves to give to that person. 

Nothing will unfold perfectly, of course. She might get weird and you might get mad and feel disappointed. Take it slow and don’t go off on her or write long emails about things she’s done that are questionable. Stay present and try to remain calm. It’s hard to have honest conversations with people who matter to you. But you’re not doing her any favors by pretending to be capable of giving her more than you can.

She needs to hear the truth. She needs to adjust to the reality that your friendship is changing, as hard as that is to hear. And you need to understand that you have a right to want what you want. You can do your best and be a good friend and still be honest about your desires and limitations and boundaries as a person. You can forgive yourself and forgive her, for being who you both are. That’s where friendships thrive.

So tell her the truth.

Polly