Asian Happy End Massage
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Asian Massage Parlor & Spa Guide to a Happy Ending
What do I do? Where do I go? Why are there stains in the lobby?
by Yaro Shepherd
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July 29, 2009
Ready to look for an Asian massage spa? This guide will help you navigate massage girls near you.
We've all been there: you find yourself driving by a certain part of town when you see the sign for a “Massage Parlor” or “Asian Spa” in a spot that doesn't obligate a massage parlor or have a single person living nearby, and using your Russell-Crowe-like mind you cracked this code and read the sign as it was intended to be read: “Handjobs ‘R Us.”
Instantly your mind is flooded with thoughts: “How much would this sort of thing cost me?” “What do I get?” “Is this illegal?” “Are all the massage therapists here Asian or is that just the style of spa services?” You end up putting the thought in the back of your brain where all unlikely sexual scenarios go—until one day…
Maybe you broke up with your girlfriend, maybe you just got paid, or maybe your internet is down, but you find your mind wandering to the thought of the parlor. You decide to walk in… you know… just to research it, and find yourself instantly lost: What do I do? Where do I go? Why are there stains in the lobby?
Fortunately for you, I have researched plenty of times for an Asian massage near me, and can now confidently tell you the proper way to go about getting wanked off.
A rub and tug near you of this sort of quality is unlikely, but always possible.
First of all, avoid a police outfit. You may think it's funny, but the girls certainly won't. You're going to want to wear something that walks the line between “I just stumbled in here” and “I'm prepared to whip out my penis immediately.” Shorts and a t-shirt are preferred because they can be taken on and off easily. Button up shirts should be avoided because putting them on while you're absorbed by overwhelming guilt is difficult, and you're likely to miss a button.
As opposed to all those PUBLIC baths we're forced to take, living in Ancient Rome and all. Try not to show off and wear your best clothes because a) You're dealing with women who don't really care, and b) These types of establishments rarely splurge on luxuries like hooks and hangers for you to store your wardrobe.
Underwear choice is also important. Wear loose-fitting boxers that you won't be embarrassed being seen in (avoid silk, you don't want to look trashier than your “date”).
Inner Voice: Alright let's do this, we're getting a rub and tug! Woo!
Penis: Yay!
Inner Voice: Alright so what do we wear? Is this like a formal date?
Penis: Who cares, it's all going on the floor. Know why? Because someone is gonna touch me today!!
Lee's Oriental Massage Private Bath and Spa is a dead giveaway that you're about to walk in to a massage parlor where yes, sex is literally on the table.
Picture a wild animal walking into a rave—that's your inspiration for the entire time you're at the parlor. Look around aimlessly—the walls, the ceiling, the floor, anything but the girls working. When you're finally approached and asked if you want a massage, you should simply grunt, nod your head, and continue to look around.
Sometimes you'll be asked if you have ever been to a massage parlor before, in which case you should say no and don't really know how this works. You will be asked how long you want the massage to be, and the secret here is to be as frugal as possible. Pick the lowest price, because that's just the money that goes to the owner; the girls make money from tips. Don't try to be suggestive of sex at this point, because you're just going to come off looking like an idiot, and God forbid the escort doesn't respect you.
When the girl leads you to the room, she'll tell you she needs to go get ready and you should undress and lay down. Take off everything except your boxers and lay face-down and wait for the girl to come back.
Inner Voice: Wow, this place is disgusting, why is the air so damp? Do I want to know?
Penis: Alright, I see ladies. Lots of cleavage too, I'm getting up for this.
Inner Voice: Cool it, act nonchalant, we're being approached.
Massage Lady: Hey there, are you interested in a massage?
You: Um…yeah sure. I'll just take the half hour massage, what does that include?
Massage Lady: It includes a massage…that's all we do here, is give massages.
Penis: Giggidy!
Your surprise factor is key to negotiating a good erotic massage price.
This is the most important part of the procedure. When the girl walks in, you should be relaxed; the fact that you're face down should hide your raging erection caused by the low-cut top she is wearing. As she starts giving you the most half-assed back massage ever, start the small talk with her. Talk about where she's from, where you're from, really anything other than her milking your cock. Brownie points if you tell her to really “get in deep on the shoulders” because of your pickup basketball mishap.
By the time she finishes your rubdown you should be comfortable with her in a masseuse/client type of way. When she hints at the mention of a handjob, do your best “deer-in-a-rave” impression again; scrunch your brow, look around aimlessly, shift in one place, and try to look as uncomfortable as possible. She should pick up on the fact that you really are a rookie at this and will go about explaining the price to you, probably with some sort of happy ending code words. When she does, look around like you want to leave (start putting on your t-shirt for dramatic effect) and mention something about only having $20.
Whore: *Random small talk you don't need to listen to*
Penis: When does she touch me?
Inner Voice: Good question, I'm getting tired of listening to her talk about her haircut.
Whore: So, do you want me to touch…down there?
Penis: Jackpot!
You: Um…er…wow…I didn't know…wow…I only have like, $20.
Skip the low quality massage lotions or oils.
Ask her to give you a verbal menu, how much everything costs and what you get for the price. You should lament the fact that you only have $20 but since you're here anyway you'll take what you can get. At this point she'll either encourage you to get more money or simply do the job right there because of the rapport you guys have built up.
Most likely, though, she'll want more money. Tell her you're broke and make up another story about how your pet just died or you just sent all of your money to a prince overseas. If this fails immediately make sure you display the twenty dollar bill. Escorts aren't like normal humans because their senses are trained to recognize the sight and smell of money and they become physically stimulated by it, causing them to throw caution to the wind. In short, it's like opium to them.
She'll succumb eventually and will begin to work her magic. If she's truly mad you're not giving her more than $20 then prepare for a standard (if magical) wank. If she doesn't mind the pay cut, you may be able to talk her into taking off her top, allowing you to fondle her while she fondles you. It's a win-win! If she gives you the option of lotion or no lotion, choose no lotion—that way you get the most for your money, plus you won't need to worry about her using some knock-off lead-based lotion that's going to make your dick explode into hives after twenty minutes.
You: So how much is this going to cost?
Whore: Well it's $40 if you want a handjob and $80 for a blowjob.
You: I really only have the $20 so what are my options?
Whore: Alright well I guess I can make an exception, just because you're cute.
Penis: Wooooooooooooooooo!!!!
Whore: Well there's an ATM in the lobby.
You: I know, but this was my last $60. See I got this email that told me that a wealthy oil king recently died and his son needed my bank account information to move a few million around. For some reason when I checked my account, everything was cleaned out, but I think it's just temporary. Point is, I don't have any money.
Whore: Your story sounds believable and I will proceed to touch your junk.
Penis: Wooooooooooooooooo!!!!
After you're done she'll most likely throw some paper towels your way and tell you to clean up. Do this quickly and get dressed as if you were a firefighter rushing for a five-alarm blaze after being awoken at 2am. Try to ignore the waves of guilt washing over your body as you do this. A standard “thank you” is appreciated but not compulsory, seeing as how you'll never visit this place again. Walk/sprint out of the parlor while keeping your eyes to the ground and your shoulders square (in case someone gets in your way) and proceed to your car. Feel free to sit in your vehicle for a few minutes to sob quietly to yourself about what your life has become.
Penis: That was fantastic, we should get a membership there or something.
Inner Voice: I…what have I done, oh my god. Why?
Penis: Giggidy.
That's it, you're ready to get serviced at an Asian massage parlor with confidence!
CAUTION: This guide will work 83% of the time, depending on how upscale the venue is and how many girls are working.
I live in Toronto, Ontario (Canada for those who don't know) and I'm probably the second funniest person I know, but I'm the funniest person I know who has the... See full profile »
My cock is very big most girls can't suck it I only want head what do I do
I have a 10 inch cock big around as your wrist am I to big for Asian girls I also cum a lot
Reading through these messages I can see that most of you realize these women are human/sex trafficked yet you cannot help yourselves.
Where have our real men gone ~ do you honestly believe they don’t record you and throw up on the black web?
Where do you think this money goes?
Do you find it interesting between the porn and Asian message parlors ~ feeding the addiction of porn which leads to sex addiction.
Do you honestly believe hobbying modern brothels would help promote a real intimate relationship ~ think again ~ it will haunt you and work to destroy your families knowing secretly you run to these illicit places whenever the whim hits you.
This is America’s Trogen Horse ~ our enemies using to take down the family and destroy our country and others driven by Communist Asian Countries ~ you don’t see the deeper scheme here ~ Sad ~Really Disgusting Really.
Your actions leads to more and more human/sex trafficking ~ growing exponentially.
Please get a hold of ‘The Silent Cry’ Series ~ the same ‘businesses’ you are supporting are now targeting our women and children ~ it’s a form of warfare against the West and all free nations since 911. You in your very selfish ~ self absorbed place in truth is helping our communist enemies ~ a 1.5 Billion year business.
The Silent Cry, The Darker Side to Human Trafficking video will show you what’s really going on on a much deeper level. Wake up Please!
Confucius say: "Guy who lay girl on hill ..... not on level"
Had my first giggity today thanks to this. Not only that I had visited this place multiple times and for some reason they were always telling me they only had time for 30 minutes which never made any sense until today because everything that they were telling me was leading up to exactly how this post described the encounter LOL she was pretty good.
My personal experiences are quite opposite, surprisingly. The more familiar and experienced I act in a new AMP, the easier for me to get higher levels of treatment. I just act like I have been here to this place before and Cece/Sandy/May massaged me before. Once you’ve been to a few locations, you can easily figure out which ones are legit and which ones are rub-n-tug. I have been regular in a few joints and have gone all the way at half the price of regular escorts.
Where can I get a happy ending in Phoenix, Az, really want to experience this ngl so lmk
Recommendations in central Missouri?
Rubmaps has been touch and go for finding a massage place here. After several tries on my own, I found that the small suburban spots with discreet storefronts are your best bet for a nice wank. One girl to entice me to come in, even raised her shirt and revealed a nice, sexy black bra. That's all my dick needed to see, I had a nice stiffy in no time, and was soon in the massage room where she eventually took her bra completely off. Nothing beats cuming twice in a half hour, especially at 60 sans Viagra!
I want to try this. Im a woman looking for a woman in the Stockton Ca area??
Ohhh and to remind all of you,, NEVER! And I mean never go all in, always go for the lovest and never go for full hour and make sure that you ask for soft massage unless otherwise.
This will increase a happy ending by 80%
Please make sure that you are clean for efin sake and dont be shi to go on that table 100% naked.
Oh, oh ROFLMFAO, this was a best read and my life experience Haha omg thank you so much for reminding me of my past, oooohhhhh haha.
I’m in Falmouth ma. Looking for a massage from a lady
I used to frequent places in Hemet, CA. I used to get everything for 100 and 50-60 for the hour. After a while Mama would throw in another girl and evn herself sometimes, she was gorgeous. I used to take her shopping and she even offered to buy me clothes. I had same treatment in Colton. Mama used to come to my house for free and almost moved in. This is all true. If its not for you, you are not on my level. I love these girls they are awesome but I do feel bad vsometimes and hope they are OK
Elegance massage We strive to provide you asian touch massage Vancouver expert staff in washington
I’m in oak harbor right now any thing out here that u know of?
i need some information for massage could you please give me phone or email
I've been going to the same place for almost ten years. After establishing a good rapport with the ones I like. I've been able to get 8 of there cell #s. And have them come to my place for total full service. Key is to go a few times(different days) until you find your favorite...be nice...joke around..tip good...and just go for it and ask for what you want. Takes a little effort but once one likes you she'll tell the others and then your in
I'm not sure if previous messages were sent from this email or another but disregard previous sent messages sorry for the trouble
Relax on milking table. Big lotion small hands rub Johnson & eggs. Hrrrrrrrrrrrr
Big explosion on milking table.
always go for the hour get completely naked cover yourself with the towel if they offer table shower agree but understand it is going to take 10-15 minutes away from your hour she should clean you really good in the shower if its happy place or not before you tip anything to let you know but lets say no table shower offered cover with the towel be naked when massage starts softly touch her legs while she is touching you don't be aggressive or rough if she allows you to do this work your way up to her butt if that's allowed this is surely a happy time place tell her you what you came for at this point she will ask how much i always offer $200 after the $60 to the house this allows everything if all you want is handjob 40-60 dollars its that simple don't be a jerk either cause she is most likely a sex slave
He’s not lying.... I use the same approach... and get the blowjob right away... then an
Awesome 45-50 minute full body massage... it’s perfect
this guy clearly has not ever been to the massage parlor in his life please nobody should listen to this lier he is feeding you false information
Exactly. Wtf is this guy saying??? Is he joking? Lol...Here's the real rules:
1. Always take a good shower before you go. Invest in some type of body mist and lotion that smells good too. If you're extra clean and smell good, the girls will love you right away.
2. Call ahead of time to say you're coming for an HOUR massage. They'll trust you more and they'll be expecting you, so they won't be sketchy when you show up. When you get there, just say, "Hi, I called you for an 8pm appointment."
*Expert Advice: It's true that the girls typically prefer 30 minute appointments, but that's only because they only make money with tips. They don't want to waste an hour for one tip when they could've gotten two tips within that same time. But if you tip the girls properly, they'd prefer an hour with YOU rather than two cheap ass guys. More about tips at the end...
3. If it's a place you've never been to before, be prepared for the girl to ask, "Have you been here before?" You must always say "YES!" and then you can follow up with something like, "It's my favorite place, I just haven't been here in awhile." The reason you say "YES" is because that signals to the girl that you know what goes on in there.
4. When you get in the room and she steps out, get completely naked with confidence and lay face down on the table. Because if she sees you laying on the table with your boxers on when she gets back, she'll know you're full of shit and that you've never been there before.
5. BEFORE she comes back into the room, leave the tip in ADVANCE on a nearby table or chair in the room where she'll be able to see it. NEVER try to put the tip money directly in her hand and ask for "special services" because she will think you're a cop and get nervous. When you leave the tip in advance, it implies what you really want, and everything is technically legal ....because you never asked for any sexual favors and now she doesn't have to mention it either.
*Expert Advice: If the girl comes back in the room and freaks out because you're naked and tells you to put your boxers back on; just put on all your clothes, pickup your tip and leave. This place isn't what you're looking for, don't waste your time. Go to your car and IMMEDIATELY start back at step #2. This has only happened to me once, and good thing it did...because the next place I called and went too 10 minutes later had a bunch of hott 19yr old girls that let me do whatever i want.
6. When she comes back in the room, she'll see the tip money and will be very happy. She'll most likely slap your ass, rub her hands softly up and down your back and get very friendly. She's going to treat you really good because you just made the entire process easy and whatever happens is legal at that point. Because you never requested anything sexual, so if and when she grabs your d*ck....she's doing it because she likes you lol. It's true.
7. She will ask if you want soft, medium or hard massage. Say something like, "I don't care, do whatever you want. I'm just here to have fun.." and start laughing. She will start laughing too...enjoy.
If you do exactly what I've said, you won't have any problems and the girls will love you. I've done this at more than 30 different random places from Los Angeles to New York City. These girls send me text messages with "kissy face" and "heart" emojis all the time.
*TIP Advice Below:
$60 tip - Basic handy, nothing special. I don't recommend this tip unless you're on a tight budg
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Asian Massage Parlor & Spa Guide to a Happy Ending ...
Asian Happy End Massage
