Archie Rule 34

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Archie Rule 34
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As 50 mulheres mais lindas dos desenhos animados
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I've been running for so, so long. Maybe it's finally time to rest.
This article makes me want a hot dog real bad.
Definitely not something that would've made the original even more fun, right?
Regular ol' sharks: more impressive than Aquaman.
Unless your best friend is your mom and you want to be an apple when you grow up, you probably don't read the comic book adventures of Archie, that immortal everyteen with crosshatching tattooed on the side of his skull. In fact, you might only recognize Archie from The Simpsons .
There's a reason for this. Like early Justin Bieber , Archie presents an idealized version of teenage life that is in no way intended for actual teenagers. Archie is trapped in a G-rated eternal puberty, unencumbered by temptations like Four Loko and dodgy pop-up ads advertising lonely South Ossetian housewives in your oblast . The guy's spent almost 73 years entirely unaware he has a penis. His comics are as inoffensive and uncontroversial as possible -- well, most of the time.
Lately, Archie -- along with his girlfriend-wives Betty and Veronica and the other denizens of his hometown, Riverdale, which is probably ruled by an evil computer program imprinted with Joe McCarthy's engrams -- has been inching toward modernity. For example, Archie made a black friend , and then -- 39 years of growing a single armpit hair later -- Arch made a gay friend . Barack Obama and Sarah Palin once visited Riverdale, shared a milkshake, and then tore ass back to Washington with news of "another Waco."
And this past week, Archie Comics went the distance and flat-out fucking killed their eponymous star. OK, so he only died in Life With Archie , a comic about an alternate reality where Archie's an adult. Sure, Archie sacrifices himself to an assassin's bullet that was meant for his gay pal.
But holy shit, people, this is Archie we're talking about . He's not Superman, out there fighting universe-eating aliens on the daily. Motherfucker's pissed away the past seven decades drinking milkshakes and failing calculus. Archie's shooting is like cracking open the funny pages only to witness Hi and Lois getting executed by FARC guerrillas or Ziggy ODing on muscle relaxants. But hey, comics are a ghoulish business. Big-name deaths, even boring ol' Archie's , sell like gangbusters.
The truth is, Archie comics were strip mining Riverdale's doe-eyed innocence even before that. From her first appearance onward, Miss Grundy was Archie's dowdy, long-suffering teacher. Miss Grundy was a frequent target of Archie's pranks and, being an unmarried woman over 25, had absolutely no legal recourse.
But Miss Grundy would be made an honest woman yet. A 2010 issue of Life With Archie explored a future where Miss Grundy marries Principal Weatherbee ... and then promptly dies of terminal cancer .
Of course, her death wasn't the saddest part of the story. No, for Miss Grundy superfans like us here at Cracked, it's that she didn't end up with the only real man in her life, like ships in the night.
Incredibly, one of the more critically acclaimed and best-selling Archie comics in recent years has been Afterlife With Archie , a horror series that kicks off with an undead Jughead eating his on-again, off-again girlfriend Big Ethel at the Halloween dance.
To be fair, this scene is way less horrifying than that TV movie where audiences beheld a depressed adult Jughead rapping at random children:
Riverdale is so chaste, Jughead had his son through parthenogenesis.
But even that scene in Afterlife With Archie pales when compared to the revelation that snooty Cheryl Blossom , a sexual competitor of Betty and Veronica's whose main character trait was omnipresent cleavage ...
... is probably ram-jamming her twin brother, thus proving once again that the easiest way to get people to read comic books is to crib plot points from Butt Camp 48: Two Siblings, One Sleeping Bag .
So there you have it, a brief history of how fiction's most innocuous teenagers have been suffering for your enjoyment. Let's cap it off with old-timey Archie yelling stuff out of context.
Cyriaque Lamar is an editor here at Cracked. His last article was about Falconman, the world's most underrated superhero movie . He is on Twitter .
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Most people view the Archie
Comics Universe as a safe, sanitized world where things like
murder, teen sex and bad hygiene just don't happen, and for the
most part that's true, except for the sex part. They've kind of
half-gone there.
The closest an Archie comic has ever come to
this hottest of buttons was in a Betty and Me issue
where Archie's car fell into a lake while he was out driving
Betty around. They got soaked, and had to take refuge in a motel.
Betty's dad found out they were in a rented room without their
clothes on and flew over in a paternal rage. The comic never
stated exactly what he was mad about, only that it had to do with
teenagers in a motel room. Kids were free to draw their own
conclusions.

From To Riverdale and Back Again: The
TV-Movie Adaption. I'll be getting to this one eventually,
rest assured.
It's extremely rare, and usually bars the story
it happens in from appearing in any digest reprints, but there
have been times when the characters have almost mentioned
sex....but never actually used the terminology directly. They've
implied it. But they've never explicity said the word
"sex."
Except for That Wilkin Boy #21, January 1973,
where they said it about fifty times.
That Wilkin Boy was
introduced by Archie Comics as a reboot of sorts to Wilbur,
a 1950's Archie knockoff the company itself printed. Wilbur
Wilkin's name was changed to "Bingo," but aside from
their sharing similar surnames, they have nothing in common.
This was a good thing, because
as a mere xerox, Wilbur wasn't worth reviving. The
new-and-improved Bingo Wilkin loves his next-door neighbor,
Samantha Smythe. Samantha's dad is this intimidating muscular guy
named "Samson" who hates Bingo, Bingo's dad, and most
other things. There is also a Snoopy-type dog named
"Rebel" involved in all this.
Anyway, if Samson is freaked out
by scandalous terms like "this is how the baby is
born," wait'll he hears the actual word. Wait for it...
And there's the S-bomb.
So.....Samantha didn't know how babies were born until this
minute?
If this is really Samson, I
believe it.
The middle panel is my favorite
in the whole story. Pure unintentional comedy.
When That Wilkin Boy
first began, Norman Lear sitcoms like All in the Family
had just become popular, and TV was discussing controversial
subjects for the first time in network history. Never ones to
back down from knee-jerk reactions to a trend, Archie intended Wilkin
Boy to break the same barriers -- at least initially. But
this was as far as that got.
They didn't apply a light touch
with the All in the Family influence -- Samson Smythe,
here, is an exact copy of Archie Bunker. He never uses the word
"meathead" but Carrol O'Connor could have read all
these lines in character. Later on Smythe would lose all trace of
Bunker-ness once the show dipped in the trend-o-meter and they
forgot they were copying it.
How was Samantha born? Her dad
couldn't possibly be this guy.
Samson isn't going to find
sympathy here either. Because, you see....something happened in
this guy's past due to his lack of education regarding sex. He
seems to laugh about it now, but...hmm. I wonder what sordid past
he's keeping secret?
Wait, this whole class is about animal
sex? This is what he's up in arms over?
Now you see the loophole Archie
was operating under. They kept the first eight pages vague enough
to give the impression the class was all about abstinence and
contraception and STDs, but in Comics Code reality they were
studying chickens. They weren't learning how to take care of
themselves at all! Isn't that a relief?

Scans from the abandoned "Eep! Omigosh!"
One little fish will have 300
babies at once? Such scandalous talk! I can't believe Archie got
away with this one!
Even still, was it
groundbreaking for its time period? Hardly....it was 1973. At the
same time Archie was timidly dipping its toe into edginess, other
companies were killing their Gwen Stacies and giving their Harry
Osborns drug addictions. By contrast Archie wouldn't tackle the
issue of drugs until well into the 80's, when everybody was doing
it.
But now that we know the class
was about animal reproduction....then let's think back to page 8.
Why was the "dirty old man" regretting he'd never had
this kind of class? What kind of past must he.....what did
he........he........
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