Arby's Vagina
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Arby's Vagina
*First Published: Mar 19, 2015, 5:54 pm CDT
More stories to check out before you go
Posted on Mar 19, 2015 Updated on May 29, 2021, 6:36 am CDT
Every once in a while, you come across a viral horror story that is simply too disgusting to be true. Today’s winner in this category is a missed connections Craigslist post whose headline, “You threw up in my vagina,” delivers exactly what it promises:
The woman from Athens, Georgia writes: “We met and hooked up after the bluegrass show at the house where the black gay guy lives with 3 white guys.” So far, so good. That sentence is both descriptive and specific. It would get an A in any sixth grade English composition class.
Our author continues: “You threw up in my vagina. [I’ve been] trying to find you for weeks. My sister wants to talk to you.”
We don’t know the story behind this ad, or how or why the poster’s sister got involved. But if there’s an iota of truth to it—which, frankly, we doubt—it’s clear that some sort of magical connection was made that night between this anonymous poster and the bluegrass fan in question, or her vagina and his bodily fluids.
Ah, to be a fly on the wall at that Arby’s.
H/T Uproxx | Photo via Guian Bolisay /Flickr (CC BY 2.0)
Dylan Love is an editorial consultant and journalist whose reporting interests include emergent technology, digital media, and Russian language and culture. He is a former staff writer for the Daily Dot, and his work has been published by Business Insider, International Business Times, Men's Journal, and the Next Web.
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*First Published: Mar 19, 2015, 5:54 pm CDT
More stories to check out before you go
Posted on Mar 19, 2015 Updated on May 29, 2021, 6:36 am CDT
Every once in a while, you come across a viral horror story that is simply too disgusting to be true. Today’s winner in this category is a missed connections Craigslist post whose headline, “You threw up in my vagina,” delivers exactly what it promises:
The woman from Athens, Georgia writes: “We met and hooked up after the bluegrass show at the house where the black gay guy lives with 3 white guys.” So far, so good. That sentence is both descriptive and specific. It would get an A in any sixth grade English composition class.
Our author continues: “You threw up in my vagina. [I’ve been] trying to find you for weeks. My sister wants to talk to you.”
We don’t know the story behind this ad, or how or why the poster’s sister got involved. But if there’s an iota of truth to it—which, frankly, we doubt—it’s clear that some sort of magical connection was made that night between this anonymous poster and the bluegrass fan in question, or her vagina and his bodily fluids.
Ah, to be a fly on the wall at that Arby’s.
H/T Uproxx | Photo via Guian Bolisay /Flickr (CC BY 2.0)
Dylan Love is an editorial consultant and journalist whose reporting interests include emergent technology, digital media, and Russian language and culture. He is a former staff writer for the Daily Dot, and his work has been published by Business Insider, International Business Times, Men's Journal, and the Next Web.
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We’ve all been there. Your dapper charming self has wooed a girl by way of traditional date or maybe night time escalation. You get home, the mood is right, the drinks have been flowing and you have convinced her that in fact, yes… sex is a great idea. That magic moment comes when you start undressing her, she is on your bed and lifts her perfectly shaped bottom 6 inches off the duvet cover so you can slide her underwear off. And then you see it…
The dreaded roast beef. The meat curtains. The sleeve of wizard. Call it what you will, but for most that is quite the turn off and the last thing a man like yourself wants to see flapping in the wind before engaging in the feel-good coitus that could have been. Contrary to popular belief, it is not genetic. Nor is it caused by how many men she’s slept with, or how large those men were. Some porn stars have beautiful entry points. So how does one avoid such a surprise? Are there ways to identify roast beef prior before it’s too late? The answer is YES, and here are 5 ways to do so:
Most fat girls do not have the carcass cape. The reason is simple — the excess fat in and around the pelvic region creates an inverse effect on the vaginal lips, pushing out the blubber and inducing an inwards turn of the labia. Similar to how a black hole operates, the skin is sucked inwards creating the nice vagina effect. While she may pound away a ton of roast beef, at least her nether region will be devoid of any such flap happy activity.
Avoid girls whose names end in consonants. This may seem strange and unsubstantiated by science, but it’s true. If you have an Erica, a Melissa, an Yvonne, or perhaps an Alexandra, rest assured you will have that perfect slit surprise when you are ready to do the deed. The beautiful symmetry of a nicely shaped vagina, each lip in direct proportion to the other only separated by a slight line. No excess labial flap, no peek-a-boo wraparound meat skin. It’s called the “o” face for a reason.
However, god speed to you if you happen to go home with a Marilyn, an Allison, a Brittany or dare I say a Colleen. I hope you have your spelunking gear ready, because it is going to take some cavernous digging to find that clitoris under those goose wings.
This one is self-explanatory. I have yet to meet a vegetarian girl who sports dildo drapes. If she doesn’t eat meat, she doesn’t yield meat. Rumor has it that protein deficiency causes aesthetically pleasing vaginal formation, but the medical studies have yet to come in on this. Stay tuned.
This tactic only works if you end up at her place. Are her windows covered with blinds and shutters…or curtains and drapes? If it’s blinds or shutters, she psychologically identifies her slit with straight, symmetrical openings. Proceed as normal. If she has curtains or drapes however, she is accustomed to long, malleable pieces of fabric. You can see where this is going…
Let’s be honest, those accordion lips take up some extra room. So when you meet a girl at a bar, or the office or maybe a friend’s dinner party, just innocuously bring up the gym and what people wear while they exercise. Mention your underarmour clothing. Tell her you have noticed a trend in yoga pants and spandex leggings for female gym attendees. Does she balk at the idea of wearing things so tight? Does she discuss the “freedom” of loose shorts for exercise? If so, you may have a closet pancake draper. Conversely, if she is one of the major proponents of lululemon pants then you may very well have a lady who sports an = sign for a vagina. Congratulations, a winner is you.
Hopefully I have saved some of you from the pain generally associated with being lured into the large labia luncheon. So there you have it. Five almost indisputable ways to identify, and consequently avoid, roast beef.
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Wow. This site is so fucking sexist it’s no longer funny. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I’m doing reading these “manosphere” tripes. I’m starting to see what feminists are talking about now.
Nope, we’re pretty much like this all year.
You don’t get it, do you? A particular date of the year is not an excuse for being vulgar, sexist and completely misogynistic.
Actually, it is you who doesn’t get it. Vulgarity and profanity have their proper places. It’s been part of of good literary license for centuries. Don’t believe me? Try reading some of the plays of Aristophanes. Profane, bathroom humor, and sexually vulgar beyond belief. Or, on that note, take a look at some of the frescoes on the walls of Pompeii. Or check out the bawdier poems in Geoffrey Chaucer. All of them far worse than this. And I could go on and on. So, chill.
Um, no. Just no. It is a well-known FACT that the classics like Aristotle or Twilight did not contain any form of sexism or misogyny whatsoever. It is you who don’t get it.
Holy shit, did you just call Twilight a classic piece of literature?
lol i just came across this article and i hate to coment on 11 month old shit but uummmmm Twilight and aristotle called classic’s in the same sentence? Grow the F up twilight is wack ass pre teen BS that is so far from “classic” that it and yourself are a joke
It’s starting to smell like sticky dildos, cats, and lonely in here. Now FOAD, bitch.
Hahahahahahaha you must be trying to troll the april first post with your own form of april first trolling.
Aristotle did not write anything sexist? Then why do feminists hate him? From wikipedia:
“He saw women as less than slaves because they didn’t do as much work. In his book poetics, he explains that every once in a while a good woman will come along. He goes on to say that the only thing they are good for is basically having children.”
Criticized at length by feminists here:
Wen find sexism in any and all things. There are feminist who say GAY PORN is sexist towards women. Yes GAY PORN, last time i checked there arent any women in gay porn, i mean come in gay guys are suppose to nit like vaginas in the first place. I ask myself do they just not want men to be haooy without a woman in there or what.
No need to worry. I’m on the phone summoning the WAAAAA-mbulance right now to whisk you off to the AWWWW-spital. Take two DRAMA-mines and call the doctor in the morning.
I feel sad that everyone thought you were serious
You’re fucking stupid. I hope you just stay on this site for the rest of your life so no woman will face the abuse that illuminates off your computer screen. It’s not a joke. The writers have said that this is what they conclude from their life experiences.
and whats the point in continuing an idiocy?
YOU, don’t get it, do you? This is very tame compared to the eons women have been talking about tiny penises. How many times you talk about men having small penises and making fun of them. There is even a song about it, by some female group back about 10 years ago. Here are the facts: women stick baseball bats and other large objects inside their vaginas and end up with these nasty looking parts and then blame men to being disgusted and turned off? Well, compare that to a man with a small penis. He is born that way and cannot change that. But women can, sometimes, change that by not using their vaginas as a parking garage.
and because other people are unfair you have to be unfair too?
Um. No. The size of an inner labia doesn’t change with what’s been inside of the vagina. It’s genetic. I disagree with women who say hurtful things towards the penises they don’t prefer, and I disagree with men who say hurtful things towards the vaginas they don’t prefer. Hm, I think we need a better sex ed system in our schools so we avoid having as many clueless people.
Lol..baseball bats and other large objects? Holy shit, you are either a teen boy or some guy has known no women in his life except for his Mama. The way male OR female parts look is genetic, jack ass.
He is right, they do infact out those things in there u must be a child why are u here.
Lol ur right ibe seen women out dildoes with 5inche diameter and more no penis i know has a diameter of 5 inch. Ive seen women put 2 hands inside vaginas lol i know i look at fucked up shit simetimes i have to like turn my comouter iff. Anyways you can even fit a foot inside a vagina. Anyways scientifically only 3 inches if the vgina have enough nerve endings to feel anything. And even then without rubbung the clit she might not even get an orgasm. Insead of having a long oenis men should aspire to have fat thick ones since thats what women want is the stretch from a thick phallus not the lenght.
Here comes the waaaaaaambulance! Awww… your poow poow feewings.
Women rag on men all the time so be quite, just cuz u have roast beefs dont mean people need to walk on egg shells for u.
I agree, Carson – I need to go wash my brain out with some sweet, sweet Jezebel & Lindy West, the most beautiful & tolerant person in this here world!
Roissy maxim # whatever: “Trust no one without a sense of humor.”
lighten up francis…get your wizard sleeves stapled down.
why is everyone junking this comment? he’s clearly pulling a double-april-fool, and is not in actuality a mangina.
P.S. I’ve dated a couple of vegetarians in my time – no roast beef vaginas. Thinking that one may be true.
It was funny for a while but then it just got sad. Unless they were pulling a triple-april-fool and trolling me back by pretending to not get it.
I wonder if changing your name will make your beef curtains disappear over time.
Engorged inner labia is delicious. Best of delicacies. Nutritious beyond belief.
hilarious fools day post. you nailed it.
Sign #5 says talk to women in the office about what gym attire they tend to wear….that’s the real joke…
I’ve got Horsey Sauce for the roast beef.
Is this supposed to be satire, or amusing? It fails on both counts. It certainly doesn’t help and this stuff just gives ammunition to our enemies.
…don’t be a bitch about this. If some broad wrote a tongue in cheek deal about how to avoid men with small cocks, we’d all laugh….well, most of us.
Funny thing is, this last fling (short lived) I had fit into all the criteria. Window Curtains, slim, gym shorts, was a vegetarian (during adolescence), and her name was Katelin. Fml
the gym clothes / tight fitting anything test is the ultimate !!
Profound as the deepest ocean and lights from above in heavenly bliss of the maker’s vision,
The actually curious thing about this is how I actually had roast beef on april 1st. Damn tasty too.
Date aside, in case anyone actually believes the stuff about larger labia being bad:
http://lovelargelabia.tumblr.com/
Can I get some (w)horsey sauce on my sandwich?
This is beyond rude, no wonder women are so self concience of their bodies
Your mother did an incredible job raising you. All the effort she out into raising you and this is how you turn out how sad. Your probably some sad pathetic man who is unable to please any women so you react with rudeness. Typical enjoy your day. It’s not the size it’s probably your disgusting attitude. I find it funny how men feel they can talk to women any way they want however as a female we are always suppose to honor and respect. If we say something about money we are gold diggers if we say something about penis sizes than we are shallow. Men today are so arrogant and rude it’s sad.
women talk to men how they want so whats ur point, women want abs, money and tall dark and handsome,
men want no meat curtains, hot and good at blowjobs yup yup
No, I always dated overweight
Older men who like video games and japanese anime like my boyfriend now of 3 years ive dated thinner men its not my thing not all women are the same
Nope. Not what all men. Woman may joke about a guys body or penis (most don’t, honestly) but they don’t actually care. Just like most men with half a brain realize the labia comes in many shapes, size, colors, and textures. Wanting a vagina that looks like a prepubescents seems odd to me …
Oh yes bring on those ad hominem, yes just bring em.
I’ve eaten pussy that was nice and tuck she was 47 by the way i was 24. So does this mean that that 47 year old woman was prepubescent,mmm nice way to contradict urself after saying they come in all shapes and size then make a reference that only prepubescent girl only have em, stupid.
Women are the pickiest most women won’t date men who are shorter than 6’0″ and women talk a lot of shit about male bodies all the time especially the penis and size. Pretty much this whole generation of women just want 12″ which only about a hand full of men have em. Literally like maybe a few thousand men have em. The average around the world is 6, I know girls are bad at math but come on.
If women want perfection in men then I want a nice tuck pussy I’m not asking for thin, hot or rich or tall just a nice kitty lol
Trust me, woman only joke about penis size. Out of all my friends, not a single one has EVER commented on a guys penis size. Heck, the vagina barely has any nerve endings compared to the clitoris. So size really doesn’t matter.
As for a 47 year old with a “nice tucked” labia (whatever that means), yes it does look prebubescent. I didn’t say prefering that is necessarily wrong, just an odd preference. And even if her vulva looks like that of a 10 year old, it doesnt make her any less of a woman.
At the end of the day, I hope men and woman are not choosing their partners just based on the apperance of their genitals.
Mad feminazi detected. You got some roast beef curtains you’re feeling insecure about?
And my major point was: Polls and research have proven most grown men (over 18) prefer a woman with labia. Therefore, your point that men all want a vulva that looks prebubescent (not an insult, just what it looks like) is not true.
nice way to contradict urself after saying they come in all shapes and size then make a reference that only prepubescent girl only have em, stupid.”
Whats this about, are you agreeing or dissagreeing and also i said that to another commenter. She said only prepubescent girls have no meat curtains then said that they come in all shapes and sizes, just poin
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