Apex Parody
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Apex Parody
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[ NSFW WARNING: We'll keep this post clean apart from a bit of language, but we are talking about pornography here, which is generally considered NSFW in most workplaces. Please don't get in trouble by reading this article when and where you shouldn't. Okay? Let's continue. ]
"It's Ass Sex Legends." That's the very first line of the YouTube trailer for the newly announced porn parody of Apex Legends (opens in new tab) from WoodRocket and its partner Pornhub. Just in case you were wondering what an Apex Legends porn would be called. It's Ass Sex Legends.
I'm not sure where to begin. I guess we'll start with the press release I received earlier today, which brought new meaning to the disclaimer, "for immediate release."
"Drop your pants and grab your joysticks!" WoodRocket advises. "The porn companies that brought you the hit sexy spoofs, Fortnut and Bowsette XXX, are about to put the Butt back into Button Mashing. WoodRocket and Pornhub are proud to present the porn parody, A** Sex Legends, an anal homage to the smash hit video game, Apex Legends."
I knew I recognized that name from somewhere: Wood Rocket is the same studio that made the Bowsette porn parody which trampled all over Mario lore (opens in new tab) . Because of course it is. Unbeknownst to me, their catalog also includes "Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles, Strokémon, and Laygo." Well, I'm sure Respawn is thrilled to see Apex Legends receive "an anal homage" from such a prolific studio.
Anyway, back to that trailer, which is relatively SFW (just sex toys and some language) and viewable below. While still blinking in surprise after having that title shouted at me, I was surprised to learn that this porn parody is weirdly cynical about the game it's parodying. The trailer describes Apex Legends as "a totally unique and original game that is not almost exactly the same as Fortnite and PUBG, or a myriad of other games that it is the same as," and with sarcasm so thick you could spread it on a croissant. I mean, sure, Apex Legends is a battle royale game with battle royale mechanics, but between its ingenious ping communication (opens in new tab) , Jumpmaster drop system, and revive mechanic, it's also staggeringly innovative. But then, you don't go to a porn parody for informed critique. You go there to laugh at the proper nouns, so let's move onto the cast.
The parody stars Mirod (Mirage), Gaipth (Wraith), and Penisfinder (Pathfinder). I'd like to point out that Penisfinder's head is just a male masturbator. The cast is armed with all manner of sex toys standing in for different rarities of gear, and in the trailer alone, delivers such zingers as:
In decidedly non-pornographic news, the Apex Legends battle pass (opens in new tab) is here - here's how much it costs and what's in it.
Austin freelanced for the likes of PC Gamer, Eurogamer, IGN, Sports Illustrated, and more while finishing his journalism degree, and he's been with GamesRadar+ since 2019. They've yet to realize that his position as a staff writer is just a cover up for his career-spanning Destiny column, and he's kept the ruse going with a focus on news and the occasional feature.
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©
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BA1 1UA. All rights reserved. England and Wales company registration number 2008885.
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Contact me with news and offers from other Future brands
Receive email from us on behalf of our trusted partners or sponsors
New games for 2022 and beyond to add to your wishlist now
GAME REVIEWS MOVIE REVIEWS TV REVIEWS
More stories to check out before you go
GamesRadar+ is supported by its audience. When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission. Here’s why you can trust us .
[ NSFW WARNING: We'll keep this post clean apart from a bit of language, but we are talking about pornography here, which is generally considered NSFW in most workplaces. Please don't get in trouble by reading this article when and where you shouldn't. Okay? Let's continue. ]
"It's Ass Sex Legends." That's the very first line of the YouTube trailer for the newly announced porn parody of Apex Legends (opens in new tab) from WoodRocket and its partner Pornhub. Just in case you were wondering what an Apex Legends porn would be called. It's Ass Sex Legends.
I'm not sure where to begin. I guess we'll start with the press release I received earlier today, which brought new meaning to the disclaimer, "for immediate release."
"Drop your pants and grab your joysticks!" WoodRocket advises. "The porn companies that brought you the hit sexy spoofs, Fortnut and Bowsette XXX, are about to put the Butt back into Button Mashing. WoodRocket and Pornhub are proud to present the porn parody, A** Sex Legends, an anal homage to the smash hit video game, Apex Legends."
I knew I recognized that name from somewhere: Wood Rocket is the same studio that made the Bowsette porn parody which trampled all over Mario lore (opens in new tab) . Because of course it is. Unbeknownst to me, their catalog also includes "Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles, Strokémon, and Laygo." Well, I'm sure Respawn is thrilled to see Apex Legends receive "an anal homage" from such a prolific studio.
Anyway, back to that trailer, which is relatively SFW (just sex toys and some language) and viewable below. While still blinking in surprise after having that title shouted at me, I was surprised to learn that this porn parody is weirdly cynical about the game it's parodying. The trailer describes Apex Legends as "a totally unique and original game that is not almost exactly the same as Fortnite and PUBG, or a myriad of other games that it is the same as," and with sarcasm so thick you could spread it on a croissant. I mean, sure, Apex Legends is a battle royale game with battle royale mechanics, but between its ingenious ping communication (opens in new tab) , Jumpmaster drop system, and revive mechanic, it's also staggeringly innovative. But then, you don't go to a porn parody for informed critique. You go there to laugh at the proper nouns, so let's move onto the cast.
The parody stars Mirod (Mirage), Gaipth (Wraith), and Penisfinder (Pathfinder). I'd like to point out that Penisfinder's head is just a male masturbator. The cast is armed with all manner of sex toys standing in for different rarities of gear, and in the trailer alone, delivers such zingers as:
In decidedly non-pornographic news, the Apex Legends battle pass (opens in new tab) is here - here's how much it costs and what's in it.
Austin freelanced for the likes of PC Gamer, Eurogamer, IGN, Sports Illustrated, and more while finishing his journalism degree, and he's been with GamesRadar+ since 2019. They've yet to realize that his position as a staff writer is just a cover up for his career-spanning Destiny column, and he's kept the ruse going with a focus on news and the occasional feature.
Get the best gaming deals, reviews, product advice, competitions, unmissable gaming news and more!
Thank you for signing up to GamesRadar+. You will receive a verification email shortly.
There was a problem. Please refresh the page and try again.
GamesRadar+ is part of Future plc, an international media group and leading digital publisher. Visit our corporate site (opens in new tab) .
©
Future Publishing Limited Quay House, The Ambury,
Bath
BA1 1UA. All rights reserved. England and Wales company registration number 2008885.
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“But here, right is supposed to matter. It’s what’s made us the greatest nation on earth. No constitution can protect us if right doesn’t matter any more. And you know, you can’t trust this president to do what’s right for this country” …
For this instant, we stand at a crossroads. A crossroads as profound as any yet witnessed by our nation in some sevenscore and four(ish) years.
This constitutional crisis we face seems to have invented itself after the fizzle of the Muller Report. Ironically, the crucial phone call having taken place the day AFTER Robert Muller’s Disney Hall of Presidents audio-animatronic™ testimony before the House Judiciary Committee.
And now, here we are: the textbook example of an impeachable act (colluding with a foreign power over an internal election, bribery, etc.) combined with an all but open and shut evidence of a crime, but, more tantalizingly, clear evidence that the crime itself stands amidst a thicket of other and related crimes.
But I am happy for this: Adam Schiff’s summation of the three days of testimony was a testament to the power of classical rhetoric: elegant and persuasive speaking combined with a rational and evidential basis. Matter melded to manner, form following fact.
The basis of our democracy, our republic, as had been invented in the rhetoric of Athens. (The Athenians didn’t invent rhetoric, but Aristotle DID define it.) And the ideal of rhetoric that we used to teach in our schools before sophistry and then propaganda and amygdala conditioning (marketing) became the vogue.
It was a profound moment to witness true rhetoric wielded in defense of our republic and the idea which it represents. America is not a nation, but a notion, from sea to shining sea. Ethos, Logos, Pathos: Kudos.
It may well stand at the apex of what it had meant to be an American.
Because I fear that egg is going to roll off the roof. Certainly the “defense” of Mr. Trump will be an endless menstruum of agglutinated fallacies, fantasies and pharisees farcically flouting reason. It will be a food fight of the endless bombast and bomb blast of media wars, winning the news cycle, photo ops, sound bites, bits and bytes, bats and belfries.
And here we are. An historical moment. Perhaps the moment that the republic dies. People say that’s too dramatic, but I don’t think so. Do we NOT remove this combover Caligula, he won’t stop his predations until he installs HIS horse as a senator.
Everyone seems to believe that he will get away with it. That the Republicans of the Senate will put party over country, and their party is now exclusively a Trump property. (Kiss the ring!)
We may not witness full-blown apocalypse, but, as Mercutio said, “ Ask for me tomorrow, and you shall find me a grave man .”
But we will have watched this cast of grotesques of our very own Reichstag voting themselves into eternal irrelevancy. Think of the group photo of McConnell and his cronies hunched over the eternal microphone in the capitol building, and then think of Da Vinci’s drawings of the unhandsomes he had seen.
These small, venal men and women, in service, almost universally, to their corporations and their tycoons, afraid of offending their masters, willing to betray their oaths of judicial impartiality, their oath to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution from all enemies, domestic and foreign, colluding WITH all enemies, domestic AND foreign, right Moscow Mitch?
Either way, a future “president” with less legitimacy and even fewer scruples will easily see how to proclaim an eternal national emergency and defy the will of an irrelevant congress, if he or she is cagey enough to pretend (as Augustus/Octavian did) that the Senate has been “restored” and that he/she will now be known only as “first citizen.” N
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