Angry Wife

Angry Wife

By Lorin Harrott, GSCC Manager , Jan 15, 2020

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She used to be sweet and loving. She always seemed happy to see you and excited about your future together. But now, after some years together, she’s changed. She doesn’t smile as often and nearly everything seems to make her mad. Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. There are many men out there who ask themselves daily, “Why is my wife always angry?”
You may wonder what you’ve done to cause your wife to always seem angry, and believe that somewhere deep down she hates you . But that seems absurd, right? You know that occasionally you act like a jerk, but you also try to make up for it and feel like you’re actually a pretty nice guy and a good husband (you probably are).
Which leaves you with one very big question – why is it that your wife, who was once full of hope and happiness, is now angry and disagreeable so often? What changed?
Women and men express anger differently. Men are more likely to yell and display their anger in a direct manner, whereas women are more likely to internalize things and are generally more passive. Most of us know that when a woman tells you everything is “fine” in a razor’s-edge tone there is danger ahead. Women are far more likely to go dark and give the silent treatment to those with whom they are angry and avoid ever discussing directly the things that are bothering them.
What this means is that, although it may seem like her anger began out of nowhere and for no reason, it’s quite possible that things have been building for a long time. Once her anger has reached a certain level it will begin to become more visible through her actions and suddenly you find yourself thinking that your wife is always angry.
First, let’s acknowledge that if you and your wife started out happy, and with a healthy relationship, then the anger you’re seeing now isn’t “just who she is.” That being the case, no matter how great a guy you think you are, you are in some way likely to be contributing to her frustrations and the anger she’s expressing.
That does not mean that your wife has a right to become abusive or blame you for everything. She’s still responsible for her own actions and reactions, and hostility and angry behavior are not effective means of communication . It does mean, however, that as a couple nothing happens in a vacuum and discontent in a marriage can be the fault of both partners.
But, although you may be contributing to your wife’s anger in some way, that doesn’t mean that you are the primary source of it. Confused? That’s understandable.
Women have a complicated relationship with their lives as they age and grow through marriage - especially as children become involved. Women are tasked with managing many aspects of who they are and what they need to be for those around them, like their spouses, kids, families, and employers.
Added to this challenge are other factors that they may have no control over, like their own biology and the emerging personalities of their own children. Throw all these things and many others into a bucket and you have a recipe for an angry wife.
I know, it still seems fuzzy and you’re thinking, “Okay, but what exactly is it that’s causing my wife to always seem angry?” Let’s break it down a little further and look at some of the most common things that lead to persistent anger in many wives.
Many wives who always seem angry may be very aware that their behavior seems hostile and want to change it. They often miss who they used to be but feel like there’s no real path back to being that person. Is this your fault? No, not really. But are you doing anything to help, or are you making it worse by not recognizing what she’s going through?
First, know that your wife probably isn’t having a midlife crisis , which is often what husbands mistakenly believe. She’s probably quite normal, just a bit off track with her emotions and in need of your help and attention. Anger issues in women can be a sign of midlife crisis but, for most women, signs of a midlife crisis are more varied and extreme .
Second, if you can’t magically become a mind reader, the best thing you can do when your wife is upset and frustrated is talk to her. And to actually listen and try to understand what she has to say. Just that effort can make a big difference in the closeness of your relationship and help strengthen your partnership so she doesn’t feel alone and become even angrier. Feeling heard and understood is important to us all, and it’s particularly important for the health of a marriage.
Dr. Kurt works with many men who feel that their wives are always angry. Many times they feel frustrated because they don’t know what to do. He offers this advice to men struggling to understand their wife's anger:
Most people are uncomfortable being around someone with strong emotions. This can be especially true for men. When our wife is angry we're likely to either want to make the anger go away right away or we want to go away ourselves. Note that what was recommended above was for you to "listen" to her, not try to fix it. Most of us men have a default 'fix-it' mode that can get particularly triggered by our wife's emotions. This isn't usually the best first response, however. And when she's angry this is likely to be even more true. When most of us are angry we usually just want and need to vent more than anything. So Listen first."
Understand that if your wife is always angry then there are likely issues that have been festering for a long time. This means that it may take awhile for that anger to dissipate. You will each need to work on your improving communication so that whatever is causing anger and resentment in either of you is addressed.
If however, despite your best efforts, your wife’s anger persists and she’s unable to manage it, she may benefit from speaking with a professional counselor. An objective third party with the right professional training and experience can often help women and men struggling with anger sort through things and get back to a healthy and happy place in their lives.
Guy Stuff's Counseling Men Blog shares real stories from our counseling sessions, giving practical solutions and answers to the challenges men and women face.
Good communication helps to build better relationship within a relationship. Understanding, patience and tolerance for each other help to sustain a relationship in longer run.
That artical was without a doubt written by a woman. Stuff like this is damaging and it is best to ignore irrational things such as this and see a marriage counselor.i am glad I did other wise a bias article like this would had led me to waste my time where there is no hope. Some people are simply crazy and wish to live in self pity. Allow them to and protect yourself.
Justin, Sorry to hear you couldn't find anything of value in this article. Maybe it's not that applicable to your current situation, but in healthier relationships trying to understand why your partner feels like they do is a good thing. -Dr. Kurt
It took me years to realize that my wife wasn't angry at me - she was just angry. An angry person, who could not admit her anger so blamed me for everything. I have learned you can't save people, especially from themselves. It's not your problem. It's theirs. Don't feel bad. You actually ARE a good man. And, by the way, most men I know feel the same as I do.
Totally agree with you Jeremy, 11 years of marriage and I tried everything, I blamed myself for her anger at the end I can’t help her to get out of her deep well. Cause she refuses any help.
You can’t make people happy if they are born and wired to be unhappy. My wife, she is what she is and I have to live with it, adjust to it or leave it. At the end , erase this pretty picture about happy family with children in your head. This is the real life!!
All this article does is pass the buck from women taking responsibility for their own actions, and responsibilities. Secondly, men, NEVER take advise about women from other women. Women consistently say 1 thing but do another, and cannot possibly understand a man's perspective, no matter how many classes or degrees she has. Every point attributed to "women" could be equally attributed to men, but no-one really cares about "trying to do it all, and needs a break."
We used to call this the mortal sin of wrath. Irrational, excessive anger is wrath and it is a very grave character defect (indeed, grave enough to merit eternal damnation in the Catholic tradition as it is a moral sin, provided there is sufficient culpability and not a cause for which the person cannot be blamed). A very unfortunate problem with our modern therapeutic culture is that it tries to frame everything in "medical" terms to such an extreme degree that it can externalize problems and make people feel like they are relieved of their own responsibility. Certainly, psychology can be useful. Our anger doesn't come from nowhere and a competent psychologist can try to guide a person to uncovering and confronting the cause.

Anger has its place. Indeed, a deficiency of appropriate, level-headed anger when it is called for is also undesirable. But it is also important to consider that those suffering from wrath are indeed responsible for their excesses. It is usually a very bad habit and as with all mortal sins rooted in pride. The virtue of meekness is not about curling into a cowardly ball, but the ability to be temperate and moderate in one's anger.

Our culture gives women a free pass on all this. Men are the worst. Only men fail. Only men are vicious. Only men are to blame. In a very real way, that is dehumanizing because it supposes that women aren't human beings capable of the full range of good and bad traits as men (obviously, men and women differ so I don't mean these will manifest in exactly the same ways, but in the general sense). We shouldn't infantilize women like that. Women must be held responsible. If we refuse, we must consequently demote women in the social hierarchy because you cannot have both the same rank and but a different level of responsibility. Infants are on the lowest rung precisely because they aren't responsible for anything. Want to make men responsible for everything? Then surrender this radical egalitarianism we've embraced. You can't have both.
Jeremy,

Maybe that’s your case and several of your friends’ cases, but far and wide the above information is scientifically found. I’m sorry you feel so bitter about an article shedding light on something many of us men relate to and can learn from. I hope you’re happy now.
The lack of understanding of women in this article is flabberghasting. There is no way in hell a woman wrote this.
Jo, Lorin is real and a woman and she wrote this. We each can have a different perspective, especially when we're outside of a relationship and have experience fixing them. -Dr. Kurt
You couldn't be more right. The bias in this article was disgusting at best.
Justin, you sound just like my ex- husband. Good luck to you in future relationships.
Who ever wrote doesn’t matter. They’re on both sides. You seem bias cuz your a guy.
It was like Google could read my mind. Sound like what I am going through now. I wish I could read my wife's mind. Getting those thoughts out is like pulling a nail out with my fingers. Or she tells me we do not talk anymore. I am here, it is not like I live somewhere she cannot reach me. Face it, if I do not know I am never going to react, but like you said she does not want to have tell me. As you said too, I am always giving the wrong help. It appear what I think she wants is never what she really wants, isn't up to right standards, or I am just going mess it up or she thinks I do not know what I am doing. Which give me a feeling she does not trust me. I always end up failing in some aspect. Then there when I try to communicate my thoughts and something I said is totally taken the wrong way. Of course my favor is when I recommend something or way to solve issue (maybe me in 'fix-it' mode), it’s not until someone else recommends it beside me, a doc, friend, family member, etc. it becomes valid.
You sure we don't have the same wife. That's the way may wife acts to a tee. Have you found anyway to resolve this matter? If so let me know. And the part about s**t not being right except when someone else says it is right on the money to how my wife is. I could tell her she needed oxygen to live and she'd swear she breathes something else until google said other wise.
This is my wife to a T...AFTER marriage. Everything you said sounds exactly like my wife and I have yet to find answers either, though, I tried a few things.
1) I have tried patiently listening and talking, but she refuses to communicate on anything but a superficial level, so that does not work.
2) I have tried ignoring her when she acts up but that just makes a long and annoying silence, and the good times happen much less. She also never ever admits to being wrong or apologizing, and never ever cooks (despite me having only 1 working hand!)
3) I am going to try a little more psychology and just do absolutely nothing when shes mean and disrespectful, stop any kind of reinforcement entirely, and do the opposite when she is nice, I will be extra nice and helpful myself. Hopefully that will have some positive effects!
The fact that women dont act like that to everyone is what really pisses me off. It's like so you can control it and you do know it will piss people off yet you do it to your husband anyway.. a friend walks in and boom different person yet the anger is "uncontrollable"... and due to other factors.
Honestly i am more than sure it is written by a MAN. The only issue is that she is sexually not satisfied. That is simply why she is angry all the time. She simply hides it but deep down she really feels not satisfied and gets angry on every single tiney thing. As simple as that.
I am absolutely sick to death that women always require special consideration, and it is them that never reach out to their men. It is men that are the ones that have to walk on egg shells, and get treated nasty by their women. And men are trapped. There is no way out. Prepare to fork over half of what you earn for the rest of your life. No wonder men and up committing suicide. Not one single woman could care less I'm sure.
Right-on Mike! I have felt for a long time that women expect special consideration for every thing and am heartily sick of it. In my situation due to my wives arthritis I do everything around the house including washing, cooking, vacuuming and dusting on top of all the male things outside in the yard. And yet, no matter how much I try she's rarely happy for long. She's made snipping at me an art form. The main sticking point has been that for years she has wanted a new kitchen (don't know why as she rarely cooks) of which I have agree to. But the discussion always progresses from just a new kitchen to a full blown renovation, including moving doors, windows, fireplace, painting, window furnishings etc...etc. That's when I walk away and shut down. At this rate she'll never get it in her lifetime.
Lots of men do what you are doing, my father in law was the same because my mother in law sick all the time as most of women are, poor guy he passed away in a young age from the abuse he tried to live happily and make his wife happy but he failed because she is a miserable woman , and now my mother in-law if not sick anymore and she is doing all the cleaning and cooking, she was abusing her husband because he was such a nice man.
Mike... who pissed in your porridge? Women do not require ‘special consideration’ they simply need their men to be on the same level as them... this isn’t always easy for our masculine friends as they are simply not genetically modified in this way. Women are indeed made in a much more biologically ‘complicated’ way (fact) To say all women are indeed like this is quite immature and uneducated to say the very least. However I do agree there are many men out there who are treated appallingly by their wives and partners. That being said, one could flip the coin round and argue that with regards to domestic violence is predominantly the male in the relationship .. would it be fair to judge all men with this? I think not. There are ways out of bad relationships, if you want out.. get out. And I refute the suicide statement you made. Men (or women) commit suicide by means of choice in most cases. Sad as it is but only in rare occasions does one actually force someone to commit suicide. Arguably, this would indeed be murder. It sounds like you have possibly had a traumatic experience of your own hence the derogatory comments made. I sorry if you have had someone treat you this way. Learn to trust again. Love is amazing 😁
First off, yes they do need special consideration. Hungy, tired, PMS, fighting with her mom all give her a licence to take it out on the husband. But don't dare say anything to her about the way she is treating her husband and how he feels about it. Nooo? Why? It's a special consideration. Why the hell should we put up with the abuse? What gives her the right?

I love all of the comments here. We are all married to the same woman. Especially validating everyone's opinion over yours.

There is a common factor here. What is the cure? Please tell me for the live of God and my children.
Marzzee,
Loved the comment about Domestic abuse except domestic abuse is not always physical, a physical bruise may heal the mental scar sometimes not. Men rarely report physical domestic abuse from females out of embarrassment, the worst and most damaging domestic abuse to men is mental, men will never report that, perhaps men should.
I think this article has some great advice and hits quite a few nails on the head. Speaking of nails, there's an awesome and hilarious short YouTube video that sums up men and women - "it's not about the nail". Thanks again for the article but next time please ask me before using a picture of my wife 🤣
This article is clearly written by a women that has no bloody idea how men feel about the women in their life acting like a selfish ignorant moron. Maybe instead of writing the article from a women’s perspective you should consider what it is actually like being a man and having to deal with this rubbish behaviour on a regular basis. Your article provides no insights or assistance whatsoever
CJ, If this article doesn't fit your relationship or experience then you should check out the articles I've written under the Abusive Relationship category. You might like the one I wrote about How to Deal with a Controlling Wife L
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