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Despite there being a healthy renaissance for butt play in recent years, backdoor entry is still a deal-breaker for many women — a no-way, no-how, entirely off-limits scenario. Still, more than a third of women (36.3 percent) surveyed in a 2015 study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine reported having tried anal sex ; 13.2 percent reported having had it within the past 12 months.
For some women, like me, anal sex can be a mind-blowing addition to the bedroom . Until recently, I’d never had an orgasm from anal sex alone. Anal sex has always been a welcome precursor to vaginal penetration and other below-the-belt play. The most intense orgasms I’ve had — ever — have involved some combo of simultaneous vaginal penetration, clit stimulation, and ass play.
The key, for me, is to have a patient partner — one whom I trust. Oh, and plenty of lube. The anus isn’t self-lubricating, and the sphincter needs to be relaxed before you insert anything into it. For me to engage in anal sex, I need to be fully relaxed, lubed, and ready. And even then, sometimes the equipment isn’t, umm, compatible. Usually, I’d say you can never have too much of a good thing, but size can be an issue.
Anne Hodder, ACS, a multi-certified sex and relationships educator, says a successful anal experience is most often the result of communication, relaxation, preparation, lubrication, and (at least initially) gentle stimulation. “Anal is something you and your partner should discuss and plan for while sober and clothed,” she says. “Discuss expectations and concerns.”
Here are my top 25 tips on how to enjoy anal sex :
It needs to be a “hell yes.” Like anything in life, if the idea of anal sex doesn’t inspire an enthusiastic “hell yes” you probably shouldn’t do it. If someone has to convince you to do something, say no.
There needs to be a solid level of trust. For me, anal sex requires a higher level of trust than vaginal sex. I’ve rarely had painful vaginal penetration, but there have been a few less-than-memorable mishaps with an overzealous penis and my ass. I’m not letting a penis or strap-on get near my backside unless I trust that you’ll wield it responsibly.
If you “accidentally” slip it in, you’re an asshole. There are these concepts called consent and communication. Accidental anal is not OK.
Let go of any expectations. Instead of immediately focusing on full penetration, try to be as present as possible, and enjoy the buildup and arousal. Sometimes, it takes a few tries to make it happen. And sometimes, anatomy doesn’t fit, or it’s painful for the receiving partner.
Your butt is beautiful. If you’re going to let someone stick their dick or strap-on in your backside, you’re going to have to relax about how it looks. It may not be your most favorite body part, but the reality is that someone will be looking at it, they may be licking it, and if all goes as planned, penetrating it. All butts are beautiful.
Relax. I know, I know — this is easier said than done. If you’re nervous, take a few deep breaths. Like you mean it deep breaths. A calm mind will hopefully set your ass at ease.
Slow and low is the tempo. I cannot emphasize this enough. Go as slow as you need. And if something doesn’t feel quite right, it’s OK to stop and start again. I’ve learned things go more smoothly the slower I go because I’m not triggered to clench or clamp down from worry or discomfort.
Start small. Instead of going for the biggest dildo in your bedside arsenal, start with something small, like a single (lubed) finger, and work your way up.
This bullet vibrator’s small and compact shape makes it a great toy to use as you start out.
Communication is key. Your partner may be fan-freaking-tastic, but they are by no means a mind reader. It helps to have a conversation before you have butt sex for the first time. And if you’re in the throes of it, if you want more or less of something, use your words and speak up.
Use silicone lube (and don’t skimp). The anus is much tighter than the vagina, and it doesn’t naturally self-lubricate like the vagina does — no matter how turned on you are. Thick, silicone lubes tend to be longer-lasting and make for a smoother sailing backdoor situation. The wetter, the better. Always.
Unless you’re using silicone toys… This is a pretty simple rule of thumb: If you’re using silicone toys, use a water-based lube, since silicone-based lubes can break down toys and make them gummy and gross (like material doesn’t like like material).
And definitely, don’t use a numbing lube. Desensitizing lubes aren’t inherently harmful, but the anus consists of thin, sensitive tissues, so tears and irritation are more prevalent. I want my body to be able to signal if something isn’t right.
Go shallow at first. Whether it’s with a toy or finger, go shallow at first when penetrating someone’s anus. I know, the impulse is to get in there — all the way in there — but take it easy, tiger, before you deep dive.
The position can make all the difference. Many positions are anal sex-friendly, and some are better than others. Doggy style, spooning, and the standard missionary position are best.
Don’t make any sudden movements. Sometimes it’s nice to add an element of surprise to your sex life, but not when you’re being penetrated anally. It’s not only painful; someone could legit get hurt.
Invest in a quality butt plug. If you’re brand new to anal play, I strongly suggest playing with a butt plug prior penetrative anal sex with a penis or strap-on dildo. (You can do this by yourself or with a partner.) It will get you used to the sensation of being “filled,” as well as help relax the sphincter.
Avoid ass to mouth play (ATM). If you’re a vulva owner, the potential transfer of bacteria from the anus to the vagina should be a concern. If you are moving from anus to vagina, switch condoms, or be sure to clean your penis or strap-on thoroughly.
Don’t overlook analingus. Before you yuck this popular yum, please know that a lot of people find having their anus licked to be a very pleasurable experience. The anus is full of all sorts of ultra-sensitive nerve endings, especially around the entry, that can get the blood flowing to all the right places.
The prostate is a magical source of pleasure. For the penetrating penis, the anus is very tight, which can feel amazing. There’s a lot of pleasure on the receiving end too, thanks to the prostate. Here’s how to find it, stimulate it, and make it super happy.
Steer clear of comparisons. Anal sex enthusiasts shouldn’t compare themselves to the porn they watch. “Keep in mind, when we make porn, we need to show actual penetration, which means we have to open up for the camera and get fucked with big things. This doesn’t always feel great,” says Lance Hart . Brooklyn Chase adds, “In porn, prep for an anal scene includes a lengthy and unpleasant routine of enemas, very little food, and anti-diarrhea medicines.”
It may be a messy event. If there’s stool in your rectum, there may be some leakage. If you’re worried, you can try to empty the pipes before sex or give yourself an enema. Seriously though, you’re sticking stuff in the superpoop highway, and stray turds are a risk you take. It’s really NBD.
A washable throw is your friend. I hate doing laundry, so if I’m going to have potentially messy sex, I pull out my washable, waterproof throw . It works perfectly on top of sheets, sofas, or any other sex-friendly surface, and can easily be thrown in the washer.
It’s OK to hit stop or pause at any point. Consent can be revoked or renegotiated at any time. A lot of people don’t understand that you can be in the middle of an act with somebody — like anal sex — and can put a full-stop on it, at any time, even if you’ve said, “Yes, I want to do this.”
If at first you don’t love anal, give it a second chance. I had some awful anal sex experiences early in my sexual career. For a while, it was off my between-the-sheets menu, and I’m damn glad I gave it a second chance. Not all penises, strap-ons, and partners are created equal, and it took me some time to find the perfect fit. I’m all for sexual agency, but sometimes, some things are worth a second glance.
A version of this story was published June 2019.
Looking for even more adventurous sex positions. Check out our bucket list for 69 (nice) options:
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Just when you think you have enough lube, add some more.
One of the neat things about sex (other than the very intense orgasms , ofc) is that there are a whole lotta ways to have it. And while oral sex and outercourse (AKA foreplay) tend to be universally loved, the more complicated “ anal sex ” usually incites a very mixed array of emotions, especially if you’re new to the concept of butt play. The good news is, there are plenty of expert-advised tips, tricks, and factoids to keep in mind if you want to learn how to have anal sex. And trust us, you do want to learn.
You see, anal sex is an A+ play option because it’s pleasurable for all genders, but it does require a bit more preparation than, say, missionary sex . Since the anus doesn’t self-lubricate like the vagina, you need lube (like, lots and lots of lube) and plenty of foreplay to have good anal sex, explains ASTROGLIDE ’s resident sexologist Jess O’Reilly, PhD .
Second, ensuring you're comfortable talking openly and honestly with your partner is essential when having anal sex, says University of Connecticut health department ob-gyn Shon Cooper, MD . This is because despite what you might have seen in sexy movies or (ethical!) porn , good anal sex—like the type that feels good for both partners—doesn’t just happen. There’s a whole lotta prep work that goes into doing the deed. “Expectations should not be what you see on TV or read about,” says Dr. Cooper. “It’s what you and your partner discuss as expectations and fulfillment during intercourse.”
Between the lube, the chatting, and the foreplay, there’s a lot to keep in mind when exploring butt play. That's why we’ve conferred with the pros to come up with this all-encompassing anal sex guide. Whether you’re ready to try something new or are just getting your learn on (love to see it), here’s how to have anal—good anal!—and walk away with an unscathed boot-ay.
Warming lube can help heighten pleasure and make you even more comfortable in the moment. “The heat that is created actually helps to bring blood flow to the area and help increase stimulation to the pleasure receptors in the rectum/anus,” Niket Sonpal, MD , previously told Cosmopolitan .
But if warming lubricants aren’t your thing, no big deal. Consider trying a warming sex toy that heats up to just above your body temperature. Similarly to lube, it’ll help relax your muscles and get the blood flowing for what’s to come.
Just like peeing after vaginal intercourse is a must to help prevent UTIs, it’s important to go to the bathroom after anal as well. “During anal sex, there is a displacement of habitant organisms near the anus toward the vagina and urethra, which increases the chances of vaginal infections and UTIs,” says Ankita Gharge, MD . There's a good chance you'll probably feel like you have to go to the bathroom anyway.
After anal sex, you have now, officially, opened yourself up to the joy of butt queefs. And no, they’re not farts, no matter what anyone says. Very simply, " a queef is a release of air ," says Dr. Jess. "It can sound like a fart, and it can happen during anal penetration because air is being forced in and it needs to escape."
Unlike frontal queefs , anal queefs might go on for a few hours as the air escapes. You can't really avoid them, but "the more aroused you are, the less likely you’ll be concerned about specific sounds," explains Dr. Jess, so just let go and enjoy. On the bright side, you are a human beatbox, and your partner can lay a sick freestyle over the top if they feel so inclined.
Especially those of you who are cis women. Anal sex can increase the risk of STIs, especially if hygiene is not all there, explains Dr. Cooper. In fact, according to her, cis-women are “at least 17 times higher risk of contracting an STD during anal intercourse compared to vagina intercourse.”
While that doesn’t mean you need to steer clear of the booty, it does mean you need to keep things clean and have safe sex (like, with a condom) to protect yourself and your partner.
Whether you got them from pregnancy or not shitting for a week after surgery (hi, it’s me), hemorrhoids, which are a pillow-like cluster of veins found near your booty hole, are no fun—and they’re something to consider when having anal sex.
“Hemorrhoids can become exacerbated during anal sex resulting in rectal bleeding,” explains Dr. Cooper. And while a little bit of blood is totally normal (more on that later), if you already know you have hemorrhoids, chat with your doc to find a solution if anal’s really something you want to try.
Kind of. If you’re not quick and thorough with clean-up, you could have a surprise in about nine months. While it’s rare, if your partner ejaculates inside your anus but isn’t careful when they pull out, semen could leak down and get inside the vagina thus resulting in a pregnancy. Additionally, Dr. Jess says if someone ejaculates on you and the semen ends up in the vagina—like from drippage—"you could possibly get pregnant." Again, it’s rare, but it’s another good reason to slap on a condom (which makes clean up way easier, btw) just to be safe.
Even though period sex is one of the pure joys of life for many, if you’re not a fan of blood or you just want to try something new, having anal sex while on your period is kind of amazing.
“Many women report feeling more pleasure practicing anal sex during their periods while wearing a menstrual cup inside their vaginas,” sex therapist Mia Sabat previously told Cosmopolitan . Apparently, the menstrual cup is thought to stimulate the internal walls of the vagina, which can be a v nice addition to the already erotic sensation of anal sex.
If you’re a real neat-freak, you might be tempted to go above and beyond and use an enema prior to anal thinking it’ll make the experience cleaner, but that’s a bad idea. “I highly
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