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My husband is having an affair. She has moved out of the family home at my request. Sex is the root of the problem: he is obsessed with anal sex. He h...
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My husband is unfaithful to me. Apparently, his lover lets him have anal sex – which I will not.
He has moved out of the family home at my request – after 20 years.
Sexuality is the root of the problem: he is obsessed with anal sex. He has lots of hard porn on the subject.
I feel degraded and humiliated by it. Am I abnormal? Should I seek a divorce?
You are not abnormal. The majority of British women aren't all that keen on anal sex, though an increasing minority do go in for it.
The last few years have seen a great increase in the number of couples who experiment with it.
It is likely that a divorce court would be very sympathetic to you, simply on the grounds of your spouse’s infidelity. Also, they might regard your husband's behaviour as unreasonable – especially so if he has been trying to force you into anal sex.
I must say that everything in your email suggests to me that your relationship is over. However, you haven't given us a lot of facts – so maybe I'm wrong, and the marriage could be saved.
It would certainly be well worth ringing your local branch of Relate and having an hour's session with them. I doubt if your husband will come along, but please go along by yourself.
Yes, a session or two with Relate will help you put your long marriage into perspective.
The tone of your question suggests that there are irreconcilable differences about sex. It isn't just the anal sex, I'm sure.
Obviously having porn in the house that you consider to be pretty disgusting is another big issue. The advent of the Internet means an increasing number of wives have to deal with this issue.
Having said that, you have been married for over 20 years – and that's a lot to throw away, in terms of companionship, memories, etc. So getting over him going – even if part of you is relieved – will not be that easy.
Apart from seeing Relate, I urge you to read an article we wrote called ' How to get over being dumped '. I think this will help you.
Once you get over the shock of being single again after all these years, my guess is that you'll start to enjoy your life much more – especially since it will no longer include sexual activity that you dislike intensely.
Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert
9 reasons your stomach hurts after sex
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Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.
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You are entering a forum that contains discussions of abuse, some of which are explicit in nature. The topics discussed may be triggering to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum. If you are posting about actions of yours which you feel are/were abusive please post about this in The Remorse Forum . If you have been falsely accused of abusing someone please post in the For Those Falsely Accused of Abusing thread . Please also note that discussions about Incest in this forum are only in relation to abuse. Discussions about Incest in a non-abusive context are not allowed at PsychForums. Thank you for your cooperation. The Mod Team
I was 5. I used to go on "walks" with this family friend. he was very nice and told me we had to play a secret game, that it was normal and everybody does it. so he touched me, performed oral sex on me. I remember liking it and being happy afterwards. it's my fault I should've known it was wrong. I should've said something. instead I did it to others my age, I stayed with these thoughts for so long wanting to do it again at 8 years old. I knew things I shouldn't it would always impress my friends. Now as a teenager I look back and I never want to think about sex again. I want to suppress all my dirty fantasies that he gave me. he stole my childhood he made me a perverted young girl. I want purity and innocence. I want to start over. I also want to kill him. I want to make him pay for my social anxiety, for my borderline personality disorder, for everything that's wrong with me. my grades were always so low, I started drinking and using early. he messed me up. I messed myself up by liking it. I never told anyone about our secret game. but I want to tell now. why did I like it ? why did I do it to my classmates ? why am I like this ?
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Oct 11, 2015 9:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Trigger earning added
You liked it because its a natural response. Your body responded, your child-mind liked the attention and time he spent with you. I was groomed by my step-father and molested at five also. He made me feel special. Twenty four years later, after therapy, I'm finally healed. I still have work to do. I still cry in pain for all the years that was stolen from me. First of all things you use to make you forget or take the pain away needs to be only positive coping skills. I understand its hard, I smoked weed for so many years. I just wanted to forget. I realized its better to face the demons and beat them once and for all. Its very hard but its not your fault. Children don't understand right and wrong when there is an adult they trust involved. He lied to you, he groomed you, he made you feel special to use you. I swear its not your fault. But I was scared to share my story also. When you are ready, share it. Even online like this is a big step. People don't judge like you think. My abuse lasted fourteen years... I thought for sure I would be judged by not stopping it. But I was scared, he went from saying all daddys do it to I will kill your family, to get me to keep the secret. I hope this helps you.
Glad your here! Keep telling your story here; We have a blog section! I use it all the time, slowly getting my story out! I would recommend a therapist! Any girl groups dealing with psych stuff in the area you can join! !2 step groups dealing with emotion stuff; that kind of thing! Something to look into! Your not alone! Great job telling your story! Give the blog section a try! -- Mon Oct 12, 2015 5:13 pm -- Glad your here! Keep telling your story here; We have a blog section! I use it all the time, slowly getting my story out! I would recommend a therapist! Any girl groups dealing with psych stuff in the area you can join! !2 step groups dealing with emotion stuff; that kind of thing! Something to look into! Your not alone! Great job telling your story! Give the blog section a try!
Dissociative Disorder CPTSD AVPD; Social avoidance Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression agoraphobia obsessive/compulsive disorder Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
Yes, most of go through the stages of therapy not knowing, knowing, realizing, liking it, education. It is normal, God made this thing called sex for pleasure it is sacred for adults consensually. I know it is a process for people like us to realize that . I would say stay the course in therapy in gets better you will heal enough that you will have power of what you stated (your feelings) in this post. Your not alone!
Dx: DID, PTSD, Panic Disorder We are system of several.....Blog of system map
Lila15 wrote: I was 5. I used to go on "walks" with this family friend. he was very nice and told me we had to play a secret game, that it was normal and everybody does it. so he touched me, performed oral sex on me. I remember liking it and being happy afterwards. it's my fault I should've known it was wrong. I should've said something. instead I did it to others my age, I stayed with these thoughts for so long wanting to do it again at 8 years old. I knew things I shouldn't it would always impress my friends. Now as a teenager I look back and I never want to think about sex again. I want to suppress all my dirty fantasies that he gave me. he stole my childhood he made me a perverted young girl. I want purity and innocence. I want to start over. I also want to kill him. I want to make him pay for my social anxiety, for my borderline personality disorder, for everything that's wrong with me. my grades were always so low, I started drinking and using early. he messed me up. I messed myself up by liking it. I never told anyone about our secret game. but I want to tell now. why did I like it ? why did I do it to my classmates ? why am I like this ?
i was abused as a kid. i enjoyed it, to the extent that i'd look forward to it n wanted to get touched by my cousin/brother. i grew up watching abusive porn n thoughts to abuse. i think the feeling of pleasure is normal.
You were 5 and were made to feel special. Don't feel guilty. In a way I wish you would post your story on the Paraphilia thread under Sexual where some pro-contact pedophiles say kids enjoy sex, and it's all society's fault they feel guilty about it later. I don't think the pro-contacts ever come to the Abuse forum or ever read any of our stories.
You're not alone. I went through a similar experience. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel clean but I hold on to the thought that one day I will find a partner who is so loving and caring that my anxieties about sex will ease. Well wishes on your journey to recovery <3
You should talk about it. Post here, more importantly - talk to a good therapist. You liked it, because - as others said - it's a natural response. Often survivors feel guilty and confused because of that. (On top of that, there is also trauma bonding and stockholm syndrom which makes the relationship with the abuser and your feelings even more messed up). That you did it to others is also typical. Survivors of sexual abuse often become too sexual themselves. What happened to you is really horrible, I've been there too. Please, find a therapist. I've been through a therapy and it really helped me (although it took years of a hard work).
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