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Just when you think you have enough lube, add some more.
One of the neat things about sex (other than the very intense orgasms , ofc) is that there are a whole lotta ways to have it. And while oral sex and outercourse (AKA foreplay) tend to be universally loved, the more complicated “ anal sex ” usually incites a very mixed array of emotions, especially if you’re new to the concept of butt play. The good news is, there are plenty of expert-advised tips, tricks, and factoids to keep in mind if you want to learn how to have anal sex. And trust us, you do want to learn.
You see, anal sex is an A+ play option because it’s pleasurable for all genders, but it does require a bit more preparation than, say, missionary sex . Since the anus doesn’t self-lubricate like the vagina, you need lube (like, lots and lots of lube) and plenty of foreplay to have good anal sex, explains ASTROGLIDE ’s resident sexologist Jess O’Reilly, PhD .
Second, ensuring you're comfortable talking openly and honestly with your partner is essential when having anal sex, says University of Connecticut health department ob-gyn Shon Cooper, MD . This is because despite what you might have seen in sexy movies or (ethical!) porn , good anal sex—like the type that feels good for both partners—doesn’t just happen. There’s a whole lotta prep work that goes into doing the deed. “Expectations should not be what you see on TV or read about,” says Dr. Cooper. “It’s what you and your partner discuss as expectations and fulfillment during intercourse.”
Between the lube, the chatting, and the foreplay, there’s a lot to keep in mind when exploring butt play. That's why we’ve conferred with the pros to come up with this all-encompassing anal sex guide. Whether you’re ready to try something new or are just getting your learn on (love to see it), here’s how to have anal—good anal!—and walk away with an unscathed boot-ay.
Warming lube can help heighten pleasure and make you even more comfortable in the moment. “The heat that is created actually helps to bring blood flow to the area and help increase stimulation to the pleasure receptors in the rectum/anus,” Niket Sonpal, MD , previously told Cosmopolitan .
But if warming lubricants aren’t your thing, no big deal. Consider trying a warming sex toy that heats up to just above your body temperature. Similarly to lube, it’ll help relax your muscles and get the blood flowing for what’s to come.
Just like peeing after vaginal intercourse is a must to help prevent UTIs, it’s important to go to the bathroom after anal as well. “During anal sex, there is a displacement of habitant organisms near the anus toward the vagina and urethra, which increases the chances of vaginal infections and UTIs,” says Ankita Gharge, MD . There's a good chance you'll probably feel like you have to go to the bathroom anyway.
After anal sex, you have now, officially, opened yourself up to the joy of butt queefs. And no, they’re not farts, no matter what anyone says. Very simply, " a queef is a release of air ," says Dr. Jess. "It can sound like a fart, and it can happen during anal penetration because air is being forced in and it needs to escape."
Unlike frontal queefs , anal queefs might go on for a few hours as the air escapes. You can't really avoid them, but "the more aroused you are, the less likely you’ll be concerned about specific sounds," explains Dr. Jess, so just let go and enjoy. On the bright side, you are a human beatbox, and your partner can lay a sick freestyle over the top if they feel so inclined.
Especially those of you who are cis women. Anal sex can increase the risk of STIs, especially if hygiene is not all there, explains Dr. Cooper. In fact, according to her, cis-women are “at least 17 times higher risk of contracting an STD during anal intercourse compared to vagina intercourse.”
While that doesn’t mean you need to steer clear of the booty, it does mean you need to keep things clean and have safe sex (like, with a condom) to protect yourself and your partner.
Whether you got them from pregnancy or not shitting for a week after surgery (hi, it’s me), hemorrhoids, which are a pillow-like cluster of veins found near your booty hole, are no fun—and they’re something to consider when having anal sex.
“Hemorrhoids can become exacerbated during anal sex resulting in rectal bleeding,” explains Dr. Cooper. And while a little bit of blood is totally normal (more on that later), if you already know you have hemorrhoids, chat with your doc to find a solution if anal’s really something you want to try.
Kind of. If you’re not quick and thorough with clean-up, you could have a surprise in about nine months. While it’s rare, if your partner ejaculates inside your anus but isn’t careful when they pull out, semen could leak down and get inside the vagina thus resulting in a pregnancy. Additionally, Dr. Jess says if someone ejaculates on you and the semen ends up in the vagina—like from drippage—"you could possibly get pregnant." Again, it’s rare, but it’s another good reason to slap on a condom (which makes clean up way easier, btw) just to be safe.
Even though period sex is one of the pure joys of life for many, if you’re not a fan of blood or you just want to try something new, having anal sex while on your period is kind of amazing.
“Many women report feeling more pleasure practicing anal sex during their periods while wearing a menstrual cup inside their vaginas,” sex therapist Mia Sabat previously told Cosmopolitan . Apparently, the menstrual cup is thought to stimulate the internal walls of the vagina, which can be a v nice addition to the already erotic sensation of anal sex.
If you’re a real neat-freak, you might be tempted to go above and beyond and use an enema prior to anal thinking it’ll make the experience cleaner, but that’s a bad idea. “I highly recommend against the use of enemas,” says Sabat. "While some think enemas make anal play more hygienic, this is a highly misunderstood concept,” she adds. “Enemas bring many negative side effects as they can damage the area, irritate cells in the rectum, generate excess mucus, and cause dryness in the rectal area which can cause fissures and lead to the spread of STIs,” Sabat explains.
The anal sex you might see in pornography is a fantasy, Sabat says, and “does not reflect how physiology really works.” So if you see jackhammering anally, know that it’s...not what you should be aiming for in any way. “Anal sex should be practiced slowly, carefully, and safely, using a lot of lubricant,” Sabat explains, and most of all, “should be pleasurable for everyone involved.”
“Let go of any stigma, shame, or embarrassment surrounding fecal matter,” suggests Sabat. No, you’re not going to be swimming in feces, but steel yourself to not freak out if you do see some. “It’s a natural part of anal play and don’t let it hold you back from enjoying a truly pleasurable experience,” Sabat adds. If you’re curious about anal play, focus on your pleasure rather than the fear of staining or possible excretion, as this can hold you back from enjoying an otherwise pleasurable experience, Sabat says.
She also adds that “unless you have a condition like ulcerative colitis that affects your digestive system, know that [feces] shouldn’t be a problem.” You can try to go to the bathroom to have a bowel movement beforehand, and. Sabat says, if you wash with soap and water (externally) before getting intimate, that’s likely to ensure you encounter “little-to-zero fecal matter.”
Foreplay and anal massage can be a great starter for a night of anal, but it’s also important to make sure your entire body is relaxed. Sabat suggests massaging your lower back, caressing your inner thighs, and then slowly working your way up to massage the entrance of your anus.
“The reason it’s so important to stay relaxed, both mentally and physically,” Sabat explains, is “to avoid tensing the muscles in the anal region involuntarily as this can often lead to a negative or uncomfortable experience.” You know your body best, so whatever you have to do to relax your whole body and mind is good here. “Do what feels natural, sensual, and appealing to you at your own pace,” Sabat says.
“After anal sex, you may feel like you want to go to the bathroom or experience sensations similar to flatulence,” Sabat says. And while this could feel irritating or slightly embarrassing, as Sabat explains, there’s nothing to worry about if that’s all you’re feeling after safe (that means with a condom!) and pleasurable anal sex. “Anal sex is not dangerous if it’s practiced in a safe and responsible way,” she says. Yes, it requires time and relaxation and some prep work, but if you’re focusing on your pleasure and being safe and clean (AKA not going from anal to vaginal), you should be fine.
"If you find yourself feeling tender or uncomfortable after engaging in anal sex, you should consult your doctor,” Sabat says. Don't be embarrassed! It might also be a good time to reflect on your technique to see if anything you tried could be the cause of your discomfort, like not enough lube or not taking enough time to relax and get into the moment.
It’s so important to be fully relaxed and aroused before anal. Sabat suggests thinking of a fantasy, reading or listening to an erotic story, touching yourself, or any other self-love activities that can make you feel excited and comfortable to explore. “Remember, it’s okay to embrace the romantic side of this sexual act as well, whether you’re alone or with another person,” Sabat says. You can light candles, play music, or engage in other sensual activities that make you feel comfier and turned on.
While the prostate and P-spot is widely associated as being known for the reason why butt stuff feels so good for prostate and penis-having folks, there are plenty of valid reasons why anal could still be pleasurable for non-prostate having people as well.
There’s not a lot of information on cis-women’s motivations and attitudes on anal play due to a lack of research surrounding the subject (hi science, get on it!), says Amanda Cruz Gerena , counseling psychologist and sex therapist. However, she adds: “The few studies that have centered on pleasure in anal play have found that what some cis women find pleasurable is: the arousing sensation due to wonderful nerve endings, avoiding vaginal sex due to menstrual period, pleasing their sexual partner, the eroticization of pain or discomfort (which is likely related to the ‘forbidden experience’), and arousing feelings of sexual submissiveness .”
Remember, a pleasurable experience can be just as much mental as physical! If you're turned on by taboos and the power play experience anal can entail, that's valid too!
For newbies, you’ll want to prep and get lots o’ lube ready before you go into things. Gerena suggests applying lube directly on the anus, as well as adding lube to what you’ll be penetrating with (be it fingers, a toy, a penis, etc.). Unlike the vagina, the anus does not self-lubricate, meaning you’ll be opening yourself (or your partner up) to potential tears and cuts in the skin as well as a whole lot of pain if you go it unlubricated.
If you’re using condoms and toys, go with a water-based lube , as these are universally condom and toy compatible (oil and silicone-based lubes can deteriorate the material in condoms or toys). “Researching for the right lube is a must,” says Gerena—so don’t assume the ol’ trial-sized bottle of whatever you got from that sex store one time will be fine. It’s worth the prep work to look into a good anal-specific lube if you can.
It’s best to avoid going from anal to vaginal sex, says Gerena. Why? Any bacteria found in your stool can increase your risk of acquiring infections like UTIs, bacterial vaginosis, yeast infections, and more. If you absolutely must go from anal to vaginal, “wash the penis, finger, or toy that was introduced in the anus before introducing it in the vaginal canal,” says Gerena.
Gerena says that dental dams are a good source of protection when you or your partner engage in rimming. Fecal bacteria is no joke, and dental dams are absolutely worth the peace of mind.
As the saying goes, “Don’t go from 0 to 60 without anal training first.” (Just kidding, this isn’t actually a saying, but it should be.) Going from having nothing up your ass ever to suddenly a whole penis can be jarring (in many ways). You can make it easier for yourself by anal training or gradually introducing larger and larger toys into your anus to “train” your muscles to get used to it.
The rumors are true: Anal does have the possibility of getting messy. Like anything sex-related, when you’re swapping bodily fluids, unwrapping condoms, and using lube, there’s the potential to stain or make a mess. If you want extra peace of mind, make sure the surface you and your partner engage on is comfortable and washable. “That way, you can focus completely on creating a memorable experience for yourself,” says Danyelle Fima , cofounder of the innovative sex toy company Velvet Co .
Sure, the idea of a numbing cream that protects you from feeling any potential pain during anal is nice, but the risk for injury down the line is not worth it. “Avoid numbing creams. I know they are tempting, but pain is your body’s way of letting you know something is wrong,” says sex educator Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD . “If your anus is numb, you can’t tell if any of your activities are causing damage. You can’t feel if you need more lube or if your body is tightening up to the penetration or impact.”
Take any pressure to perform off yourself by trying penetrative anal sex alone first. Get a toy and a condom (for easier cleanup) and go at your own pace. “Solo anal play allows your body’s sensations and responses to flow more freely, helping you gain a much better understanding of what feels good and what doesn’t, which you can then share with a partner before you try anal sex together,” explains Dr. Jess.
There’s a big difference between, “I don’t necessarily fantasize about this but I want to blow my partner’s mind,” and, “I would rather die than do this but I guess I can suffer through it because they've been pressuring me.” If you’re in a mutually caring, healthy relationship (with someone who goes down on you for half an hour, minimum), maybe you’ll want to do it for your partner or you won’t. Either way is a hundred percent fine.
"You don’t have to do everything in order to enjoy a fulfilling sex life," explains Dr. Jess. And if your partner keeps pressuring you after you've made it clear anal is not on the table (or the bed, or the floor, or wherever), consider if they're someone you actually want to be sleeping with.
Before embarking on the full monty of penetrative anal sex, you can—and should—give lighter anal play a try. "There are so many different ways to pleasure the butt," explains Dr. Jess. She suggests stimulating the outside of the booty hole with anal toys or butt plugs , or even your fingers to get a lower-pressure idea of what the ~sensations~ of anal stimulation feel like. This can help you physically and mentally work up to penetration before gradually experimenting with insertion—or not! If you decide some light anal play is all you’re interested in, camp out there forever. No rules here, except to use lube, have consent, and use lube again.
Some, well, let’s call them new sensations are to be expected—a lot of people say it feels like they need to poop or like a primal, pressure feeling. But like any other sex act, if things start to hurt in a way that’s no longer fun, you should stop. While lasting injuries from anal sex are possible but super rare, Dr. Jess says most often people experience pain during anal sex because they're tense, didn't use enough lube, or inserted too big of an object to start with. This can result in teeny little tears in the delicate tissue around the anus called anal fissures.
"Listen to your body’s signals to know when you’re ready for penetration and start slowly with a small object like a pinky finger," suggests Dr. Jess. "Incremental experimentation and penetration can lead to more
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