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The Science Behind Teenage Relationships: A Teen’s First Love
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Few of us ever forget our first teenage love . With hormones firing on all cylinders and intense passion, the experience can be overwhelming and a little disorienting. I first fell in love at 15, with a popular 16-year-old hockey player who showed his sweet, romantic side when he was alone with me. Nearly 40 years later, I can still vividly recall my all-consuming heartache when he moved away, as well as the feeling that I would never recover.
Of course I was mistaken, but that first love served an important purpose in my development. It was part of my education in how to belong to the larger world beyond my immediate family and how to form healthy relationships.
These feelings go back to evolution, according to Dr. Seoka Salstrom, a child and adolescent psychologist in Hanover, New Hampshire. “It’s all about love and belonging, and we all want that,” says Salstrom. “Those are our deepest motivations, and it’s very much tied to survival.” Connection is a driving force for humans, she says, “especially at a time in life when it’s so much about ‘Where do I fit in?’”
Why is teenage love so intense? Relationships can be more intense for teens in part because they are highly attuned to what others might be thinking of them, and they don’t have a broader perspective that comes from experience. For example, if a love interest doesn’t call when they say they will, teens are more likely than adults to assume personal rejection rather than “life happens” as an explanation. Another intensity boost comes from the “all-in” impulsivity of adolescents: Salstrom explains that teens may lack inhibitory abilities because their executive brain functioning is still developing.
Given their own life experiences with romantic love, parents might dismiss their teen’s feelings or compare teen and adult romantic love. Instead, they can use the experience as a teaching moment.
“Parents should listen more than they talk,” advises Dr. Catherine Pearlman, a family therapist and author of Ignore It!: How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction . “Ask questions to understand their feelings. Ask what your teen likes in their partner. Talk about relationship goals and how one would like to be treated . Don’t lecture or belittle. Instead be a mentor and support when the inevitable challenges arise.”
Salstrom says that the most important place to start is with validation. “You want to tell your teen, ‘This is exactly what you’re supposed to be feeling at this point,’ learning to be in a relationship.”
It can be tempting to warn your teen about first love’s end, but Pearlman says there is no need.
“Kids will learn the various kinds of love as they continue to date,” Pearlman says. “There is something very pure and special about one’s first love . It may not last, but the memories can be magical. No teenager wants to hear that this young love affair won’t last or is nothing compared to grownup love.”
Salstrom suggests parents leave room for the feelings to be what they are without knowing what’s going to happen.
“Their deepest fear is being rejected, so any slight may be a trigger of that fear, and they may be looking for every shred of evidence that they could possibly be rejected in this first relationship ,” Salstrom says. “They have very few skills and very few experiences to draw on.”
She added that it’s important to help teens learn not to seek external validation through their relationships. Try to help them understand that the approval and compliments they seek from others are going to inevitably be disappointing and unsatisfactory.
“We all need to work on that, but we need to teach our teens that they already have everything they need within them,” Salstrom says.
Jaimie Seaton is a freelance writer and frequent Your Teen contributor.

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Get ready to fall in love with these films!
Whether it's Valentine's Day or just the weekend, there's never a bad time to watch the perfect romantic movie. Some of these are total classics that you probably haven't seen in a while and others might be completely new films that you are bound to fall in love with after watching them for the first time. Some of these are fun little rom-coms that will leave you laughing out loud all the way until the end, while others will make you sob over the sweet romance that is happening. So grab some of your favorite treats, a nice warm blanket to snuggle with and some tissues just in case.
Here are the best teen romance movies of all time...
A young girl finds herself falling in love with figure skating, despite her mother's wishes and her fierce new competitors who view her as a new threat..
A ballet dancer must partner up with a hip-hop street dancer in order to prove themselves in a competitive school showcase.
A modern retelling of Beauty and the Beast , Beastly follows a wealthy kid who is cursed by a witch and forced to live by himself in an apartment. But when one of his former classmates moves in with him, he soon finds out the true meaning of love.
Two cancer patients must stay away from each other due to their illness, but as they get closer and fall in love, they realize that keeping their distance is harder than they originally thought.
After lying about her losing her virginity turns into working with guys to help them pretend they also lost theirs, Olive's social life completely changes and she must adapt to everyone's new opinion of her.
This might be our favorite movie of the year and we're really praying for that sequel that we might get .
Who knew that we could find love while doing karaoke in a ski lodge during New Year's Eve. Troy and Gabriella were the ultimate #couplegoals when we were younger and they always will be.
Nick Robinson stole our hearts in this role as he played Simon, a teenager who is afraid to come out to his friends and family, but finds love from an unexpected place.
Real-life couple Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth fell in love on set while filming this movie and we honestly can’t blame them.
Monica and Quincy have feelings for each other but their passion for basketball keeps them from being together. Life keeps bringing them together but their dreams keep them apart. Which one will they choose in the end?
This visually stunning film follows two teenagers who suddenly start switching bodies. They soon fall in love and try to find each other even though they never met or know each other's name.
Hazel and Gus are two cancer patients who fall in love after meeting at a support group. Together, they try to live their lives to the fullest in any way that they can before they run out of time.
Centered around one of the biggest events in high school, these teens try to create the perfect prom before they all go their separate ways.
While the movie mostly focuses on Nadine growing up, it also showed that love can sometimes show up in surprising ways.
This movie basically wanted all of us to run a kissing booth in hopes that we'll get the chance to kiss our own crush.
This movie is a hidden gem with a great cast that will leave you with all the feels when it's over.
You're totally bugging if you haven't watched this classic. The outfits are iconic, the one-liners are life-changing , and the love triangle is to die for!
If you're falling for a new crush but also tired of the mind games, Kat Stratford can definitely relate. Watch this with all your besties and you'll have plenty to rant about.
Before Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle, there was Mia Thermopolis ! She's the ultimate girl next door/princess/awkward teen who's just trying to figure life out.
I mean, if you don't cry during this movie, what are you doing?
Ugh, Nicholas Sparks really knows how to tug at our heartstrings. Everything from the opening carnival scene to the romantic boat ride is just picture perfect.
You may love her as Lizzie McGuire , but Hilary Duff truly slays as Sam Montgomery. That moment when she confronts Chad Michael Murray's character in the locker room? Legendary.
If you're a true Pitch Perfect fan , you can't miss this. Watching Brittany Snow and the rest of the cast shut down the school's infamous heartbreaker is beyond inspiring.
Ashley Tisdale told Seventeen that she can totally relate to her role as Mandy Gilbert . "I had a midnight curfew, even when I was 20. I still have to call my parents when I get home and I'm 23!" she said. Yep, been there, done that.
If you're planning a sleepover, this is one you'll want to watch because 15-year-old Georgia is funny AF. Whether she's venting about bras or boys, she keeps it real.
If you love Selena Gomez or High School Musical , make sure to check this one out. Selena plays Mary Santiago, an aspiring dancer, and Drew Seeley ( also known as the OG singing voice for Troy Bolton in HSM), plays pop star Joey Parker .
This remake is jam-packed with your favorite stars, including Miley Cyrus (who plays 17-year-old Lola) , Twilight 's Ashley Greene, and Demi Moore.
This is your average summer romance but times ten!
From the very beginning, there is so much to handle in this movie. There's death, an application to Juilliard, and oh, a really hot guitar player named Adam .
Watch this film once and you'll have the soundtrack on repeat for the rest of the month. Seriously, it's that good.
Nick and Norah meet by chance at a club when Norah asks Nick to be her pretend boyfriend for five minutes. This marks the start of an epic journey through New York city indie-rock scene as they search to find the secret show of a legendary band.
Maddy can't leave her house due to an illness but when she falls for the boy next door she is willing to risk everything to be with him even is that means losing it all.
Based on the book with the same title, Charlie is loner starting his freshman year of high school. But when he falls under the spell of the spirited Sam things start to look up.
Alvin is a science nerd who works in the auto shop. In attempts to be cool by association he offers the most popular girl in school a bribe when she comes into the shop: two weeks of dating in exchange for a car repair.
Alex and Rosie are best friends. Watch as they each navigate life, love, and everything in between. But along the way will they discover their friendship is something more?


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