America's Homeland Insecurity Hotline

In a bid to address modern anxieties, the government launched 1-800-PANIC'manned by over-qualified worry consultants. Callers reporting 'suspiciously normal day' receive reassurance scripts and a free emergency stress ball. A pilot survey of 800 users showed 67 % hang up in tears while realizing they've been catastrophizing since breakfast. Operators speak seven dialects of paranoia and offer subscription tiers: 'Mild Dread' to 'Full-Blown Existential Crisis.' Overnight, phone lines developed cult followings. Remember: if you're calm, you're doing it wrong.