Amateur Road Head
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Amateur Road Head
About The Author:
Maria Pasquini
Maria Pasquini writes about celebrities and makes a lot of jokes. Hopefully you find some of them funny. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter .
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Sep 7, 2016 @ 8:30 am By Maria Pasquini
Full disclaimer, I’ve never given road head — and it’s not because I haven’t wanted to, but because I’m a scaredy cat.
Consequently, over the years, road head has become an almost mythic sex act in my book, but unlike say getting Eiffel Towered by two hotties at a house party — which by the way sounds awful, but whatever, follow your bliss — road head at least has the illusion of seeming easily attainable.
In fact, most of my sexually adventurous friends who have had boned in a variety of exotic locations like on a blow-up bed in the middle of a party and inside the trunk of a car, haven’t given road head either.
Why? Because even though road head is theoretically easy to do, it’s also kinda dangerous and what girl in her right mind would willingly risk getting herself into a car crash over a blow job?
Still, there’s something about road head that just seems fun, so I talked to all six of my friends who’ve been brave enough to suck dick in a moving vehicle about how to get it done without dying, getting arrested, or getting concussed after your bf accidentally kicks your head into the steering wheel when he cums, or something.
Step 1 : Get blackout drunk.
Step 2 : Grab a dude.
Step 3 : Get in his car and unbuckle your seatbelt once you hit a country road with no light pollution.
Step 4 : Clumsily undo his belt and SLOB THAT KNOB!
Step 5 : Meet his parents in the morning because you passed out in their basement.
Dusk is the best hour, on back roads. Romantic like a candle lit dinner, but also the sneaky mischief hour. And it’s nice foreplay for the occasional abandoned parking lot.
Start it off with a handy. And if it’s getting dangerous, by all means, pull over and finish the job. Always worth it.
Also, once in a while, pull over in a graveyard and get fucked on the hood of a car only to notice woodland creatures watching like foxes. That’s fun.
For boys, you need someone who’s a steady driver. And there shouldn’t be anything in the middle of the console – better yet, no armrests. And he’s gotta have a willingness to just drive the highway.
For girls, you similarly need a solid driver, but also one who can super multitask and be very vocal and loud. Because you have to keep your eyes on the road, your partner’s sounds need to be enough to make the experience really worth it.
Road head in a city is a terrible idea unless you want to turn something sexy into a sex crime.
My ex and I were driving around NYC and it was really fast paced and crazy and I thought it would be fun/cool/flirty to give him road head, but what I didn’t realize is that road head performed while driving on a city street is a horrible idea. There were street lights blasting into the car, the car has to stop every five minutes for a red light — literally it’s the perfect storm for people to see EXACTLY what you’re doing.
My bf didn’t even enjoy it because of the indecent exposure aspect. The only thing separating him from being a crazy homeless man jerking it on the street was basically the presence of the car and me.
Save road head for an uncrowded open road because the possibility of being seen can be thrilling, but once you’re stopped at a red light you realize it’s not just a possibility, you are openly exposing someone’s genitals in public so someone WILL see.
My sister’s guy friend was driving her home from a party and they had both been drinking, so he wasn’t driving very well. And they got pulled over and the cops took them both out of the car and questioned them separately.
The guy goes by a nickname that sounds nothing like his real name, so when the cops asked him his name I guess he said his real name and he told them that the reason he was driving so badly is because my sis was giving him road head. And when they asked her what his name was she said his nickname, and the cop goes, “You don’t even know this young mans name and you’re giving him sexual favors?”
And she was really confused but went along with it and I guess he didn’t end up getting a ticket.
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If you’re a sexually adventurous type, then you might be well-versed in the rules of road head. But there is a first time for everything, and one Redditor was brave enough to share her humiliating first experience with the internet. And it’s not really that she performed the actual sex act badly, it was who caught her in the act .
TIFU by living out one of my boyfriends fantasies. My boyfriend has always wanted me to give him head while he’s driving. I’ve been pretty reluctant to give it a go for a couple of reasons; like if we went over a bump and I accidentally bit his member, or if he crashes because he closes his eyes or something. But nothing could have prepared me for what happened when I eventually gave it a shot.
Generally, these kinds of things are really important and are enough to scare people away. But we are talking about the Indiana Jones of blowjobs here, so let’s see how it goes!
At the beginning, I told him to keep an eye out for cars passing and to tell me so I could stop in time. But as we got more and more into it I didn’t care anymore, in fact it was turning me on more that other people may know what’s going on. Plus, at this stage into the journey the roads were getting quieter (I live in a pretty quiet, small town, so there weren’t many people taking the same route as us that day).
You know what also went downhill? That giant boulder that tried to squash Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark . Come on, girl — tell us how you outran that boulder!
I would like to stay anonymous, without giving too much away, I will just add that the airport I had arrived in that day is in a city that my father works in three days a week. I had forgotten this fact and that he comes home on Thursday evenings. The thought hadn’t even occurred to me to ask him for a lift home as my boyfriend had my return planned since he heard about the trip. I never thought what happened was even remotely possible.
Rule of thumb: Things that you don’t think are possible should always — always — be considered possible. Especially when it comes to penises in your mouth in public places.
My boyfriend starts slowing down, we’re about to turn into the start of my hometown road. […] Just as he starts ******, I hear someone calling his name. A car has pulled up beside him. […] I can hear the voice saying “what the f*ck” and realise I recognise that voice.
There is literally not a single recognizable voice that would be a relief to hear in this situation, but there is one voice in particular that is the worst possible voice to hear in that situation.
I look up and see my father staring back at me through the open windows. He just looks from me to my boyfriend, aghast, turns to face the road ahead and keeps driving.
Annnnnnd that’s the one! Dad. Dear old Dad. The first man in a girl’s life who only wants to protect her from danger, and the last man on Earth who wants to witness the sexual goings-on of his little baby daughter because she is a baby and he knows how men work.
So, that basically sucks. No pun intended. No, actually, that pun is 100 percent intended, and I stand by it, even though I admire this girl’s guts for even attempting road head. I can barely change a radio station or adjust the air conditioning in someone else’s car while having an innocent conversation with the driver, let alone accomplish this sort of sexual acrobatics.
What can we learn from this? Always remember where your dad works any day of the week and never give blowjobs there.
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