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College always promises experiences to remember but sometimes these memories aren't quite what we were hoping for. Freshman year coupled with communal bathrooms is a recipe for gross surprises and our writers got to experience them in full:
Oh gosh, I have been here for five years now and my fair share of dorm stories could probably create a small book.
My freshman year in college though, by far, exceeds almost any other year of insane stories.
In my freshman dorm, it was a wing of girls on the bottom floor and a wing of boys on the top floor. We all shared a community bathroom with six showers and five or six toilets (hard to remember after all this time ha). There was never really any problem with showers or toilets being occupied when you wanted to use them. There was, however, problems with them being destroyed or unavailable to use because people are crazy.
On several occasions, many of the toilets would have crap smeared ALL over the toilet, floor, and stall. Which one, resulted in fines; two, was foul? Who would be willing to shove their hand in poop to do that?; and three, resulted in limited bathroom usage.
One time I was taking a shower, curtain drawn and I had my towel hanging outside the shower - all clear indications I was using the shower and in it. This girl, who thankfully I never interacted with again, just walked up to the curtain and pulled it openly said something to me that I didn’t understand, stood there for a minute and then walked away. She wasn’t in a towel so I don’t think she mistakenly thought it was empty, she was fully clothed.
Another time, my freshman year, I left the lobby to get something from my room and as soon as I walked into the wing I could hear someone having sex - LOUD. And I thought to myself well okay then, ya’ll are loud as hell but as I got closer to my room it got increasingly louder. It went quiet for a bit when I got to my room and I went in - no one there - and I grabbed my stuff and then realized I had to pee. I went into the bathroom, which is right across from my room and walked in on two people having sex on the COMMUNITY bathroom floor.
My freshman year of college I lived in suite-style dorms where I shared a room with one guy and a bathroom with another room of two people. This story is just one example of the shenanigans that went on in that dorm.
One day while I was doing homework, one of my suitemates barged into my room with a bunch of his buddies. They all had huge grins on their faces like they had just gotten into something. I suspiciously looked at my suitemate and then I saw that he was holding a very large dildo in his hand. This thing was a Caucasian monstrosity. It was very thicc and was complete with testicles, veins, and even a suction cup at its base. Before I can even ask “Why?” he tells me the dildo’s whole backstory.
Apparently, the room below us had a string hanging from its drop ceiling at the start of the year. When those people pulled the string, they found a note attached that said: “Check the other room to find Richard”. The people went over to the conjoined room, lifted one of the ceiling tiles, and out plopped Richard.
My suitemate somehow knew those people and had just stolen Richard from their room. Richard really became our mascot for the year. We’d do things, like stick him to pretty much any surface in the dorm using his suction cup or put him under the pillow of whomever, was expecting a lady-friend over that night. At Christmas time I actually used sparkly pipe cleaners to make tinsel and a star to turn him into our Christmas tree. It was an interesting time, to say the least. Richard is still the centerpiece of my old suitemate’s apartment today.
Coming to college, I knew that I would experience all sorts of weird things. Though, I never expected that I would be subjected to the stereotypical the “I caught my roommate masturbating” occurrence.
My weekly schedule was always pinned to my desk, allowing my roommate to know where I’d be and when I would not be in the dorm. Except for one day, I got out of class early and returned to my dorm. I unlocked the door in a loud manner to announce I was coming in, but the headphones must have been too loud. I proceeded to enter, only to find him on his laptop, pants to his knees and tissue at the ready. I threw my belongings down, trying to leave as soon as possible, but he insisted on having a conversation with me while blowing his nose with the tissue.
Everyone knows the worst part about being a freshman in college is the communal bathroom. At first, I thought this was just an exaggeration, it had been smooth sailing once you get past having zero privacy. That was until the fateful morning when I walked into the bathroom stall--my favorite bathroom stall--and saw a horror unfold. There was poop everywhere. It was on the back of the toilet, the toilet seat, the floor, the stall walls. Now, I thought this was a single occurrence; maybe someone just had a rough night. Nope! Every other Friday there was this murder in the stall. Fridays, coincidentally, when the janitorial staff would not be back on duty until two days later on Monday. Not only did I lose my favorite stall to the wreckage, but this person moved on to the shower stalls.
An entire side of showers would be off-limits thanks to this person’s -ahem- bowel movement on the floor. An entire floor of girls had to share two showers that weekend. This person then moved their games right to the middle of the bathroom where you could be brushing your teeth staring at someone’s digested breakfast. It was disgusting and an experience that truly bonded the floor of girls for life. Honestly, though, I hope whoever was the culprit is doing well and has curbed their appetite for public pooping.
When it comes to being a freshman in college, you will experience new things. For many people, this often comes with the fact that you have to use communal restrooms, as well as the fact most people have to share a room with a complete stranger. When I was coming to school, I was so excited to meet my roommate. I always pictured us as hanging out, and being pretty close. I found my roommate online, and it seemed like we had a lot in common but I soon found out that this wasn’t the case. We always seemed to be stepping on each other toes, and I realized that we had nothing in common.
Before we came to school, we planned our rooms together. She told me that she was really into decorating, and I was so excited to decorate our rooms together, but after about a week into school, I realized that I had the roommate from hell. She might have been the dirtiest person I have ever meet. She would always throw her clothes all over our room. She would invite all of her friends over and they would sit on my bed and my desk. After stepping on multiple acrylic nails that she ripped off and threw on our carpet, I thought I had experienced it all, unfortunately, it got worse. One day after a long day of classes, I came back to our room to eat some dinner. I went to go throw something in our garbage can to find a used (and full) condom just sitting there among one of my ramen noodle wrappers.
After about five minutes of gaging, and crying, I decided to have an uncomfortable talk with her. Nothing really seemed to change so I ended up making the decision to move out. Nothing could have prepared me for all of the crazy, and gross, things I have experienced as a freshman, but without all the crazy stories, freshman year would have been a dull one.
The newsletter you won’t leave unread.
The newsletter you won’t leave unread.

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To revisit this article, select My Account, then View saved stories
To revisit this article, visit My Profile, then View saved stories
and I knew that I wasn't ready to have one-night stand,
but I was also really horny all the time
and honestly, I would've slept with anyone
My sober self knew that I wasn't ready,
I wore a decidedly puritanical outfit
Like, just the like the ugliest bra you could think of.
We go to the party and I get drunk.
There was like, beer pong and people were shotgunning
and mixing all sorts of flavored vodkas.
I sort of loved it and hated it at the same time.
And I see this guy who's wearing a frat shirt,
and I was like, You, you're perfect.
I don't think we exchanged any words.
And at one point, he was like, Wait, pause,
on my friend Shula's dorm room wall.
to go back to his dorm room and hook up.
I do remember sort of panicking on the way there,
knowing that his expectations and mine were different
He took off my shirt, and the first thing he said
At this point I'm sobering up a little bit,
and I think, Am I gonna go through with this?
But I wanted to be polite, I didn't wanna offend him.
So I was just going with the strategy of distracting him.
So I was like, What kind of books do you like?
And he was like, I don't really read,
and kept pulling at my skirt, trying to get it off.
And I was like, Okay, but if you had to pick
just one book that you've read that you really liked.
And he was like, Okay, who's the guy
and certified academic asshole, was aghast.
and he kept kissing my neck and just littering my body
with all these horrible teenage-y hickeys,
And so I just went with the first thing
that popped in my head, I'm on my period,
It was like, Can you at least do anything?
And my closing line was, Not if you like Michael Crichton.
As I'm walking home, I have my shoes in my hand
and don't feel bad about offending a bro at a party
because you don't owe them anything.
Learn how to say no in whatever way you know how.
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