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Bezzy communities provide meaningful connections with others living with chronic conditions. Join Bezzy on the web or mobile app. When centered on your own healing and growth, forgiveness can be a powerful part of moving on with your life. Even after your immediate anger passes, you might continue to dwell on the betrayal instead of letting it fade into memory. You might believe forgiving someone means:. In reality, forgiveness simply means choosing to let go of your anger, hurt, and desire for vengeance. You might accept that what happened is now in the past, recognize that people make mistakes, and begin cultivating compassion instead. Many people view forgiveness as something that helps the person being forgiven. It certainly can make them feel better, but forgiveness benefits you most of all. Holding onto resentment can sour you and keep you from finding peace. Forgiveness, in other words, enables you to begin moving away from anger and resentment before they seep into all areas of your life. Offering compassion instead of anger can help increase kindness and feelings of connection to all people, not just the person you forgive. Forgiveness helps reduce stress, according to research from Less stress can have positive health outcomes, including:. Forgiveness may also allow you to let go of unhealthy anger , which can contribute to :. In general, forgiveness has an overall positive impact on emotional health, well-being, and empathy for others. It can also lead to more fulfilling relationships — including the one you have with yourself. That said, everyone makes mistakes. When a loved one hurts you, forgiving them can open the door to relationship repair. In many cases, the act of forgiveness can help someone who inadvertently caused pain to realize how they hurt you. It can take some time to reach that place. When it comes to forgiveness, authenticity is essential. Other people involved in the situation, even loved ones who know the circumstances, might encourage you to forgive. Sitting with those feelings can be pretty painful, especially in the beginning. Some distance and reflection can help you explore the situation through an objective lens. Does recalling the wrongdoing bring up a desire to punish the other person or make them suffer? Or can you now accept that many complex factors could have played a part in what happened? Recognizing that people in pain often cause pain themselves can help you cultivate compassion without condoning or minimizing their actions. If your pain mostly stems from the latter, choosing to forgive can help you let those memories go. Forgiveness takes some work on your part. You may never understand why someone did something. But forgiveness requires you to look at your anger and pain and choose to let it go. This will usually involve developing some understanding of the other person and their circumstances. Holding on to compassion and patience can help you succeed. This requires you to first embrace those feelings , even the unwanted ones. A good way to check whether you can fully express your feelings? Talk to someone you trust about them. Maybe a close friend did something cruel or dropped you without explanation. Despite your pain and anger, you explored why. Eventually, they explained they were struggling with serious mental health symptoms, and you helped them find support. Someone took your lunch out of the fridge at work? Practice compassion and forgive the theft instead of getting angry. The person parked next to you scraped your car as they were backing out? It happens. People often struggle with forgiveness when they blame themselves, at least in some small way, for what happened. Self-compassion and self-forgiveness are important tools to have before trying to forgive someone else. If you have trouble forgiving yourself , particularly for circumstances where you did nothing wrong, talking to a therapist can help. A letter is one-sided. You get to share what you experienced without being interrupted. You can write the letter simply for your own benefit and keep it until you feel ready to reach out. They may have passed away or moved. Once you choose to forgive, you can complete the process by sharing your decision with someone else, such as a loved one, a mentor, a spiritual leader, or someone who understands the situation — even a therapist. If no one feels right, you can journal about your decision to forgive. Practicing forgiveness can be challenging. Forgiveness programs based on scientific research can offer guidance as you work through the necessary steps. Although your memories of being hurt may linger, forgiveness allows you to continue moving forward. But prioritizing compassion and empathy can make it easier to notice the good things and give them more weight than the bad. If something positive did come out of the betrayal, you already have some practice finding the flower amongst the rubble, so to speak. You can make your own meaning and find your own good, no matter what life brings. Forgiveness can teach you a lot about compassion, but continuing to work on self-growth and strengthening your feelings of empathy toward others can help you cope with difficult circumstances in the future. Just as good physical health can help you weather illness and injury, good mental health can help you remain strong in the face of emotional duress. You may never get an explanation or an apology. Letting bitterness and resentment maintain a hold over you only gives them power. Instead of letting the past hold you back, use what you learned from the experience to take steps to protect yourself from future pain. Practicing forgiveness and taking action to live your best life can help you find joy and peace. Sure, it can seem unfair. After all, they hurt you. But forgiveness can help you move past these feelings and find peace. Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. Feel like you're not living up to your full potential? These 12 tips can help you cultivate a meaningful life that serves both you and those around…. Interpersonal conflict is an inevitable part of life. Learn how to identify and resolve it without hurting anyone's feelings. Emotional dependency can take a toll on both partners in a relationship, but it's nothing a little effort and compassion can't fix. You know the benefits of good physical health, but what about good emotional health? Learn how being in touch with your emotions and how you're…. Breaking up is hard to do — and harder still when you live with someone. Here are 15 expert tips for talking it out, moving out, and moving on. Deep brain stimulation is a treatment that involves implanting a small device into the brain. It offers hope for those living with treatment-resistant…. Depression and burnout are two different experiences. Here's what they have in common and what sets them apart. A new study compared psilocybin — the active compound in magic mushrooms, with a common antidepressant medication. During 6 months of follow up, both…. Here's what experts say about the possibility of symptoms of depression after a concussion and how to manage. Original Series All. Fresh Food Fast Food hacks to make eating healthier, easier. Diagnosis Diaries Real diagnosis stories from people who get it. Present Tense Real-world mindfulness for busy people. Video Series All. Youth in Focus Mental health challenges facing our youth. Healthy Harvest Meet your food, from farm to table. Through An Artist's Eye A breast cancer story told through art. Future of Health Innovations shaping the future of health. How Well Do You Sleep? Find Your Bezzy Community Bezzy communities provide meaningful connections with others living with chronic conditions. Follow us on social media Can't get enough? Connect with us for all things health. Mental Well-Being. Why you should When to start How to prepare What to do Moving forward Takeaway When centered on your own healing and growth, forgiveness can be a powerful part of moving on with your life. Share on Pinterest. But not being able to forgive can harm you most. Why bother? Grudges and angry feelings can eventually overflow into your other relationships. You might:. Are you ready? How to prepare. Doing the deed. Moving on. The bottom line. How we reviewed this article: Sources. Healthline has strict sourcing guidelines and relies on peer-reviewed studies, academic research institutions, and medical journals and associations. We only use quality, credible sources to ensure content accuracy and integrity. You can learn more about how we ensure our content is accurate and current by reading our editorial policy. Share this article. Read this next. How to Become a Better Person in 12 Steps. Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD. How to Build Good Emotional Health. Medically reviewed by Janet Brito, Ph. Deep Brain Stimulation for Depression. Medically reviewed by Tiffany Taft, PsyD. Burnout or Depression? Here Is How to Know. Can Concussions Cause Depression? Medically reviewed by Nancy Hammond, M.

How to Forgive Someone (Even If They Really Screwed Up)

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In mid-January , Rev. Barry Morris phoned his former partner to tell her their son had died, at 31, of an overdose. He stayed silent on the phone, his voice lost, until she guessed why he was calling. Recently back from months at a treatment centre, their son, Eli Donovan Cooley-Morris, had lost his tolerance to drugs. He used alone. Later, they learned fentanyl poisoning had killed him. Margaret Marquardt and Kathy Bentall took the lead. The atmosphere was charged with life. It was so important for me. Morris stayed, with his trademark jeans, tiny frame, swirl of hair and bushy beard. Expo 86 arrived, bringing a wave of evictions as hotels ditched long-term residents for tourists. Crack cocaine followed. So did crystal meth and ecstasy. Gentrification took root, as did the painkilling opioids: heroin, oxycodone and others. The Vancouver Olympics rolled into town. Homelessness exploded. Morris remained, raising his son and serving the neighbourhood. He visits with people. Prays for and with them. Gathers them in. And he conducts their funerals. Since , when the fentanyl crisis began, death has seeped into everything, flavoured everything. Fentanyl is a year-old synthetic medical opioid used to put patients to sleep for surgery or to treat severe pain. Heroin, which often contains added fentanyl to boost its potency, is a favourite of anyone seeking to subdue pain, whether physical or emotional. But fentanyl can kill. It does so by decreasing breathing, often leaving users who are rescued in time with brain damage. In Canada, more than 17, people have died of overdoses since fentanyl became a public health emergency in The COVID pandemic has aggravated the crisis, with overdose deaths rising sharply across the country. In the wake of escalating overdose deaths, churches have been thrust into the role of providing spiritual care. Morris and his colleagues in cities across Canada conduct many more funerals now than they did a few years ago, due primarily to fentanyl. The dead are overwhelmingly young men, and some are fathers. The deaths are sudden. To many, drug addiction is embarrassing; dying of an overdose, shameful. What clergy closest to the crisis have learned is that fentanyl funerals are particularly heartbreaking, political and deeply Christian. Back in , a year after fentanyl began wreaking havoc on Vancouver streets, Rev. Peter Elliott got a call from a friend who was the head of social work at St. I think we need to gather people together to say some prayers and sing music. Will you do it? He formed an interfaith committee to organize it, including Indigenous leaders, Muslims, evangelical Christians and more. Just over people came for the drop-in memorial, Vancouver Remembers and Honours, on a Thursday afternoon. Food, coffee, counsellors, quiet places to pray or think, a choir performance, sweetgrass smudging — the goal was an inclusive, meditative space to hold community grief. Alongside the front-line workers, two unlikely women showed up: a mother and a grandmother from West Vancouver, a neighbourhood best known for multimillion-dollar seaside mansions. The mother had lost her son the week before to fentanyl. They were angry their son had been involved in drug use. Angry at politicians and police who seemed to be ignoring the situation. So they sat at the front of the church and wept. Then they expressed their gratitude to the church and community leaders who had taken the time to put this together. Elliott is now retired. But the funerals for opioid users — from all social classes — continue. And for many, they echo an earlier round of politically charged memorials at the cathedral. There, he conducted services for dozens of young men killed by AIDS — the same age and gender demographic now being felled by opioids. Many had contracted HIV by injecting drugs with unsterile needles. The funerals had a political aspect, he points out. Anger that these young lives were ending way too soon. Drug users are like the lepers of our time. They are not viewed as people. We need to relearn that we are people together. That era helped prepare him for the swift, terrible work of opioids. Funerals for people who die of overdoses are critically important for families and communities, he says. Elliott prepares for each one by walking and thinking, feeling through his own response to the death before he speaks in front of a crowd. Sometimes he cries at the lectern. Grief is hard, Elliott says. I get to go to a funeral today! I think community helps that to happen. When people come together, you get a fuller picture of a whole life — the good, the bad and the ugly — and you can appreciate each human life and its beauty. In when he started at the Portland, McKay conducted 25 funerals over the course of the whole year. At the beginning of , he led eight funerals in a single week. Deaths in the neighbourhood, he says, have doubled since the introduction of fentanyl. They are not \[viewed as\] people. One memorial he recently conducted was for a woman in her 50s. Her five siblings came. That was one of the good ones. But at the height of the overdose crisis in , McKay found himself buzzing with anger and sadness, even when he was at home. Watching TV has always been his way of decompressing, so he watched a lot of it. To break him out of his despair, he started therapy. He keeps a grief journal. Seeing his flock take steps toward getting clean also helps, McKay says. He is grateful for his solid relationship with his wife, and the peaceful rhythms of each morning. The motion was referred to the General Council Executive for consideration, but no further action was taken and regional councils were encouraged to engage instead. Public officials are also sounding an alarm. More than people died of overdoses in British Columbia in the first three months of the pandemic shutdown, she stated in an emotional briefing. That was more than double the number who had died of the coronavirus in that time. Several factors are driving the spike in overdose fatalities amid the pandemic. Border closures have disrupted the illicit drug supply, leading to more contamination with fentanyl and other toxins. Health and support services have often become harder to access. And the increased isolation and anxieties of pandemic life mean that people are using more often and using alone. In July , the Canadian Association of Chiefs of Police called for the possession of drugs to be decriminalized, saying that arresting people has been ineffective at dealing with the crisis. But in September, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau confirmed again that his government is not considering decriminalization. Residents of its apartments have died of it. Community members who use the many outreach programs have died. Before his June retirement, Hatherley officiated at scores of fentanyl-related funerals each year. Some people here have lost friends in the past four years. Dozens of friends. This community, says Hatherly, has done an outstanding job educating itself about how to identify and revive overdosing friends by using naloxone. Fatalities are still increasing, he says, in tidy neighbourhoods where workers embarrassed by their addictions use by themselves in their homes. Hatherly believes the church should fight the deeper source of addiction. We tend to avoid \[grief \]. In addition to leading funerals, Rev. Barry Morris tries to respond to the opioid crisis as a practising Christian and as the father of a son who overdosed. He knows, because he watched his son get swept up in the trials of teenagehood and then discovered he was finding solace in drugs. In elementary school, Eli Cooley-Morris was a sports star, a natural on the basketball court. His excellence became part of his identity. So when he transferred to high school at 13 and found that he was a smaller fish in a bigger pool, his ego took a hit, Morris says. Cooley-Morris started hanging out with a different group of kids, smoking marijuana and getting bullied. Finally, he was kicked out of school. He admitted he was going to use cocaine. Around that time, I knew he was dealing drugs out of an apartment building. Over the next decade, Cooley-Morris continued to struggle. I was afraid it would become a fight between the two of us. His voice breaks when he talks about it. He wonders what he could have done to change the outcome — different parenting, a different neighbourhood. In the meantime, Morris has found a powerful tool in his own grief: naming fentanyl as a poison. The same toxin that killed his son is also poisoning his flock. We hope you found this Broadview article engaging. Our team is working hard to bring you more independent, award-winning journalism. But Broadview is a nonprofit and these are tough times for magazines. Please consider supporting our work. There are a number of ways to do so:. Observer Publications Inc. By continuing to use our services, you accept our use of these tools in accordance with our Privacy Policy. You can also leave the site and change your cookie preferences. More on Broadview: Youth project at B. A few days later, Cooley-Morris was dead. Donate to our Friends Fund. Give the gift of Broadview to someone special in your life and make a difference! Thank you for being such wonderful readers. Leave a Comment Your email address will not be published. Beautifully written. Thank you to those who shared their stories.

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