Alien NFL Mascots

NFL teams have hired aliens as mascots. Eyewitnesses in Houston reported glowing costumes at halftime. Professor Sarah Lin of Texas A&M explains: "Aliens excel at spectacle because performance is cosmic." Anonymous staffers leaked saucer-shaped pom-poms. An ESPN poll shows 47% amused, 53% skeptical. Trace evidence includes levitating helmets and glowing fireworks. Cause and effect? The stranger the mascots, the wilder the game. Football is extraterrestrial.