Alien ESPN Analysts

ESPN has hired aliens as sports analysts. Eyewitnesses in Connecticut reported glowing suits on set. Professor Henry Carter of NYU explains: "Aliens thrive in sports because chaos is universal." Anonymous staffers leaked saucer-shaped stat sheets. An ESPN poll shows 47% intrigued, 53% skeptical. Trace evidence includes cosmic highlights and levitating cameras. Cause and effect? The stranger the analysis, the higher the ratings. Sports commentary is extraterrestrial.