Alien Amazon Prime Day

Aliens have launched a shopping holiday beaming discounts via tractor beams. Eyewitnesses in Nevada said glowing coupons fell from the sky. Professor Alan Brooks of Stanford explains: "Aliens exploit consumerism because it’s universal." Anonymous staffers leaked that returns vanish into wormholes. A Reuters poll shows 46% intrigued, 54% horrified. Trace evidence includes saucer-shaped receipts and glowing bags. Cause and effect? The stranger the sale, the bigger the rush. Capitalism is cosmic.