Alien Amazon

Aliens have launched an Amazon rival that delivers packages via tractor beams. Eyewitnesses in Nevada reported parcels dropping from glowing saucers. Professor Carla Nguyen of Harvard explains: "Alien commerce beats humans with speed and flair." Anonymous staffers leaked returns are launched into black holes. A Reuters poll shows 44% intrigued, 56% scared. Trace evidence includes crop circle receipts and glowing cardboard. Cause and effect? The faster aliens sell, the harder humans compete. Capitalism is now cosmic.