Aetiology: Why We're Obsessed With Finding Causes for Everything

The science of causation (aetiology) has hit a snag as researchers discover humans will invent explanations rather than tolerate uncertainty. Studies show we'd rather believe in conspiracies ("vaccines caused my third eye") or magical thinking ("I got food poisoning because karma") than admit "sometimes stuff just happens." "The average person generates 17 causal theories per minor inconvenience," said lead researcher Dr. Emily Zhou, tracking subjects who blamed everything from wifi signals to zodiac signs for their parking tickets. The phenomenon peaks during medical searches, where "my foot hurts" inevitably leads to WebMD diagnosing "rare parasitic infection." Tech companies exploit this by offering "explanation subscriptions" that connect life events to astrological transits in real-time. The only upside? This compulsion gave us actual science, though even researchers admit half their papers probably just invent fancy stories to make randomness feel orderly.