Adventurous Sex

Adventurous Sex
Why boredom in the bedroom is bad for your marriage

After about ten years of marriage, I noticed that intimacy had become . . . well . . . boring .

It's easy for sex to become as routine as brushing your teeth or driving to work—just part of regular life.

Loving each other ends up getting lost in the quest for physical euphoria.
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A fter about ten years of marriage, I noticed that intimacy had become . . . well . . . boring . In fact, I was so bored with the "same old sex" that I calculated in my mind approximately how many times my husband and I had probably done the same thing. I figured that, if we had sex on average twice a week, that was about 100 times a year or 1000 times over 10 years of marriage. (Yeah, I know. Who thinks like that?) The next thought I had was: Something's gotta change. My bedroom ceiling just isn't that fascinating!

That little mental exercise was a wake-up call for me. I wanted sexual intimacy in my marriage to be fun, new, and creative. If sex seemed dull after 10 years, how would I feel after 30 years of marriage?

I've wrestled with the question of how to make sex exciting while also maintaining a sense of reverence for God's standards. There are guidelines for things that are "out of bounds" for Christian couples , but you might be surprised at how much freedom we have to pursue adventurous sex in marriage. Consider the fact that the Song of Solomon includes things like the bride planning a sexual rendezvous in a vineyard!

God created sex to be fulfilling for both men and women on many different levels. We have learned from scientific research that exciting, adventurous sex serves a different purpose in marriage than the "normal" episodes of sexual intimacy between a husband and wife. The truth is that both are important aspects of building a strong marriage.

To understand the importance of both "normal" sex and adventurous sex, it helps to know the impact each have on your body and brain. Although I loved school, I hated chemistry. So, I'm going to make this explanation as simple and painless as possible.

There are a lot of brain chemicals involved in sex. What you look at and what you think about have a powerful impact on what chemicals are flowing at any given time. When a couple in a committed relationship has sex, their bodies release endorphins and oxytocin. These two chemicals lead to feelings of closeness and bonding and also a general sense of well-being. Oxytocin and endorphins help reduce stress, promote sound sleep and pain relief, and may even help slow the aging process. So frequent "normal" intercourse in marriage actually helps a husband and wife feel closely connected as they weather the storms of life together.

On the other hand, when a couple has a new, exciting sexual experience, their bodies release different chemicals, including phenylethylamine (PEA) and adrenaline. The combination of these two is powerful—much stronger than the steady impact of oxytocin and endorphins. In fact, PEA and adrenaline impact the brain in a way similar to crack cocaine. A person becomes intoxicated with sexual pleasure. God designed this as a wonderful treasure for young lovers to experience on their honeymoon as they venture into sexuality together and for lovers who find delight in exploring new things.

Some couples err on the side of never trying anything new, sort of like I was ten years into marriage. It's easy for sex to become as routine as brushing your teeth or driving to work—just part of regular life. When sex becomes merely humdrum, couples aren't receiving the fullness of God's good gift of intimacy.

I believe God gave us the incredible experience of renewed sexual pleasure so that married couples can experience what it means to feel like "the finest fruits are at our door, new delights as well as old, which I have saved for you, my lover" (Song of Solomon 7:13) In Proverbs 5:19, a young man is told to always be "intoxicated" with sexual love for his wife (NIV). For this to be true, a couple needs to work on having fun, trying new things, and—yes—being adventurous!

On the other side of the spectrum is the couple who always seeks new and adventurous sex. There can be a feeling of pressure to constantly push the envelope and achieve a euphoric sexual high. This mindset isn't healthy either. The chemicals that cause great sexual excitement are subject to the impact of tolerance. In other words, what was exciting and arousing last week won't be enough to achieve that same high today. This can lead a couple to become desperate to find the next high. Often this attitude can also lead to harmful sexual practices that are outside of God's plan, like bondage, dominance, sadism and masochism (BDSM), or pornography. The quest for a constant sexual high will eventually replace the emotional and spiritual intimacy that sex was meant to express. Loving each other ends up getting lost in the quest for physical euphoria.

So how do you find the balance between staring at your bedroom ceiling on the one hand and feeding a sexual addiction on the other? The best illustration I've ever heard is comparing sex to cooking. In your sexual relationship, there will sometimes be "fast food," sometimes "home-cooked meals," and sometimes "holiday feasts."

Fast-food sex is all about meeting an immediate need. When you are exhausted and your husband desperately wants to be intimate, sometimes you just have sex to satisfy his immediate need (or vice versa). It may not be super pleasurable or fulfilling for you, but that's okay—it serves a purpose. This kind of sex is sort of like stopping at McDonald's on a busy day. It fills your stomach temporarily, but you certainly don't want to make a habit of it.

Home-cooked sex is the basic standby. Usually it requires some thinking and planning ahead. You and your husband take time to enjoy each other physically, even though there's no 12-piece orchestra playing or fireworks display in the background. But you both are fulfilled sexually and emotionally, and the interaction helps you feel connected and close.

A holiday feast happens every so often. The table is filled with rich and new foods to try. Like on Thanksgiving or Christmas, you splurge for your celebration of each other. This type of sex is important, even if it isn't frequent. It's for that weekend getaway or anniversary celebration. You and your husband put thought and planning into it, setting aside a significant amount of time simply to explore and enjoy each other.

Trying new things in the bedroom isn't simply a matter of being adventurous. In fact, it's just as likely to lead to laughter as it is to sexual pleasure. There have been times when I've felt quite ridiculous trying something new. However, my desire to grow as a lover to my husband and to continue to enjoy the beautiful gift of intimacy motivates me to take Dr. Lewis Smedes' advice in his book Sex for Christians : "The Christian word on trying out a sexual practice that is not prohibited in Scripture is, 'Try it. If you like it, it is morally good for you. And it may well be that in providing new delight to each other, you will be adventuring into deeper experiences of love.'"

Do you want to learn more on the topic of sexual passion in marriage? Explore Juli Slattery and Linda Dillow's new Bible study, Passion Pursuit: What Kind of Love Are You Making?

Sign up for TCW's free Marriage Partnership e-newsletter for weekly updates and encouragement through the joys, trials, and tribulations of marriage.
Read more articles that highlight writing by Christian women at ChristianityToday.com/Women
Juli Slattery is a TCW regular contributor and blogger . A widely known clinical psychologist, author, speaker, and broadcast media professional, she co-founded Authentic Intimacy and is the co-author of Passion Pursuit: What Kind of Love Are You Making?

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If you’re like a lot of people, you probably have a greatest-hits reel of go-to sex positions that rock your world. (*Raises hand*) Sure, there’s something to be said for familiarity, but sometimes, it’s nice to shake things up between the sheets. Here are six positions that take tried-and-true missionary sex to the next hot-and-bothered level.
This position is a versatile addition to literally any sex position — provided you have the right toys. “In any position, place a vibrator right at the point of penetration, on the clitoris or on the perineum,” Candice Smith, Harvard-educated sex expert and educator, tells SheKnows.
She encourages couples to experiment with various positions and vibrator sizes. “We’ve been successful with a Hitachi in nearly every position, so if a vibe that size can work, any vibe can work,” says Smith. “If you’re feeling especially adventurous, try two vibrators — one to stimulate each partner.”
If you’re not familiar with Liberator’s sex props and furniture, you should be . Think of them as amazing all-body assists that enhance sexy time. Their Esse chaise is designed for rear-entry sex positions. Its curved and contoured shape allows couples to slide comfortably into the scoop, which positions their bodies in perfect alignment.
“Lie back against a fluffy pillow so your upper body is at a 45-degree angle,” Angela Lieben of Liberator tells SheKnows. “Have your lover slip on top of you facing upward. Your lover can enter and pump their hips forward and backward.”
For super-intense penetration and a tighter squeeze, Lieben suggests keeping your thighs close together. “If you’re craving more intimacy, turn your face to the side and invite them to give you kisses all alongside your neck, ear and face.”
Here’s how it works: Both partners select their own “bangin’ playlist,” then each put on noise-canceling headphones before getting down. “For a fun switch, exchange headphones — or make a sex jams playlist for each other to listen to,” says Smith.
Partners can also listen to porn or an erotic audiobook if that helps them get in the mood. “For safety’s sake, partners should give each other a silent, safe signal (like a safe word, but a pattern of taps instead of a verbal word),” says Smith.
“The rocking horse position is when whoever is penetrating sits cross-legged and leans back, either on a wall or supporting themselves with their hands,” Rachel Wright, licensed marriage and sex therapist and cofounder of Wright Wellness Center, tells SheKnows. “The person ‘receiving’ kneels over his lap and starts hugging him with their thighs and starts to lower down. This way, the receiver is in charge of the speed and depth of penetration, and whoever is sitting down can relax and cop a feel.”
This position allows for excellent clitoral access, and it’s great for G-spot stimulation . It also gives control to both partners, but with different aspects. On top? It gives you control for speed and penetration. If you’re on the bottom, it gives you full control to touch and tease your partner while they try to control other things “This position is extra passionate because it gives you the opportunity to include a lot of eye contact during your sex sesh. Sounds fun, huh?” says Wright.
This sensory-deprivation position requires both partners to be blindfolded before getting down to, um, business.
“Blindfolds should go on from the very beginning — from making out to oral sex, all the way through penetrative sex,” says Smith. “With both partners blindfolded, you’ll have to really slow down your touch. This will also help partners hone their focus and sexual presence to really lose themselves in physical sensation. Just make sure, if you’re standing at the edge of the bed, that there aren’t any Legos on the floor!”
Usually, you have to possess some semblance of Aly Raisman’s gymnastic skills to try some of the more advanced positions in the Kama Sutra, but this sex position actually helps you get your yoga on.
“Use not one, but two spreader bars for hands and feet,” says Smith. “We like spreader bars because they are adjustable for comfort but also versatile in positioning, so you’re not limited to the bedroom. To switch it up, Smith suggests attaching the bars vertically, from wrist to ankle.
Now, get off and have yourself an adventure!
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