Adult Father Dating After Death Of Mom

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After Mom’s Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad’s Girlfriend
Posted on October 7, 2008 - by: John Pete
Home » After Mom’s Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad’s Girlfriend
Heather asks for advice: In November, it will be two years since my mother died after a prolonged illness. My father started dating a woman this summer. I supported him finding companionship. He and Mom were together for 35 years, so it had been a long time since he was alone. Unfortunately, I have not dealt well with the reality of his girlfriend. He wants to include her in all of our family gatherings and has told me that he expects me to become friends with her. My mom and I were very close before she got sick and got even closer during her illness, so this feels like a violation to me in so many ways. I have tried to explain to Dad that I am not comfortable with this but he seems to not care. I feel like I am alone in this, and it is very hard for me to be a grown up about it. Ever since we lost Mom, I have felt like I no longer belong in my family, and this just makes it worse. How do I deal with my father’s need to include his new girlfriend in all of our family activities?
John Pete, certified grief counselor and founder of MyGriefSpace.Net, responds: Hello Heather: Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss for your mother. What you are going through is understandably painful and confusing to you right now. While you want your father to find happiness and companionship, it also feels threatening to the memory of your mother, and an intrusion to your family unit as it was. It’s not unusual for unintended resentments to arise in situations such as yours, and it may be helpful to know that you do have some control over this situation.
You can continue to struggle against the choice your father has made, or you can seek ways to help yourself accept this new situation. First, it’s important not to view this new person as a replacement for your mother, because she is not now, nor will she ever be. So it’s important not to get caught up in a trap of constantly comparing the two or making them a nemesis of one another when one is living and one is not.
Your mother will always be your mother no matter what, and no matter who else comes into your life or your father’s life.
One way to help yourself adjust to this situation is to spend some one-on-one time with your father’s new girlfriend to get to know her better for who she is. Try to establish a friendship with her for her own qualities and so you can feel comfortable talking to her about the loss of your mother and your grief. This can open new lines of communication and reduce the threat you feel that she is somehow replacing your mother.
Two years is not nearly as long as many people might think when it relates to the loss of a loved one. So, please continue to allow yourself your grief, but also proactively seek the healing support from others and also through new experiences. If you can find it in your heart to open yourself up to get to know your father’s new girlfriend better and strive to establish a real friendship with her, then you will also open the opportunity to accept her as the individual she is, and not a replacement for your mother.
John Pete is a spiritual writer, founder of Daily Grief Quotes on Facebook, and was a Certified Grief Counselor for over 10-years . He has appeared on the "Grieving The Healing Heart" radio program and is published in the 2011 books, "Open To Hope, Inspirational Stories of Healing After Loss," "Grieving the Sudden Death of a Loved One" (2012, DVD), and Grief Diaries - Through the Eyes of Men (2016, book). John Pete is online at https://facebook.com/dailygriefquotes.
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It has been just a little over 1 year since my mother passed. She was sick for just a short time. Within weeks, my father “took up” with a mutual friend of theirs. My parents had been married for 63 years. He and his lady friend caught me completely off guard within weeks of my mother’s death when they attempted to solicit my blessings on an “intimate” relationship they stated they wanted to pursue. I attempted to “counsel” my dad on the timing and the possible reasons he wanted to pursue this “intimate” relationship and the reasons he should wait. I remind myself daily that he doesn’t want to be alone and that he is insecure. I don’t want him to “sit around being a lonely old grieving man” as he has accused me …..but since he asked for my opinion of this relationship so soon (and really wanted my blessing)…I stated to him and his lady friend….that I felt he owed my mother more respect than this. I find myself totally devastated over this but because I love him very much & understand his loneliness, I now stay silent in how I truly feel. I resent this woman very much & truly don’t want her in my life but at the same time, I feel she gives him a reason to keep living. How bazaar!
I am torn. I feel his “intimate friend” is a traitor to my mother and if I could ever accept her, I would be a traitor to my mother. I could have accepted a “new” relationship for him after a respectful period of time MUCH better than this relationship. My brother accepted this woman with open arms immediately. I feel that I am considered an “outcast” within the family because I can’t accept it.
I understand totally how this young woman feels like an outcast.
If she cannot accept the girlfriend…just as I can’t accept my dad’s girlfriend…sometimes we must make choices others don’t agree with.
We are “who we are” and we feel “the way we feel”. I have dealt with my dad by having “my time” with him – we have a set luncheon date once a week and we have a set day once a week to spend with each other. I have told him I understand he wants this relationship and I accept that and actually understand it….but at the same time, I am not ready (nor can I promise I ever will be) to particiate in a relationship with her. I tell him frequently that I love him very much but cannot make any commitment of an acceptance of this “friend”. It hurts, but we all must take a stand for what we truly believe is acceptable.
This has just happened to me I am bereft. If you read this could you message me in the hope that we can help each other ? I realise it is a long time ago for you. I feel exactly as you have written. I do hope you have found some peace ? Kind regards Gaynor
I am in the same situation, I am the oldest of 5 children, the other 4 have diffrent views but basically they dont want to piss daddy off because they might get the treatment I am getting. On March 27 my father asked what my problem was and I told him, I was hysterical oh and by the way he came to my office. he threw his arms up and said he prays things will heal themselves. left and never turned back, he took her to Florida for a month when he got back never contacted me and when he sees me he ignores me and snuggles her or holds her hand , like he is rubbing my face in it, siblings say get over it and let him be happy, I just cant, I am so hurt and he has also made comments to me THAT i FEEL WERE IN APPROPRIATE ” she has the womans touch, and you dont know how i lived… very hurtful things… anyone else having issues like this
I totally understand both of you. I lost my mother to illness a year ago and my father started dating just 3 months after she passed. It was and is extremely hard to cope with. My father has now moved in with his girlfriend and lives in her house. He now expects me, his daughter to participate in holidays there. I am just not comfortable with that nor will I ever be. I have tried to explain to him how I feel and I think he just gets upset and really doesn’t understand. The only people that truly understand us are people that have experienced this like us. I agree that we just feel the way we feel. I can’t lie to my dad about my feelings so I just tell him how it is. Which I am sure hurts him but I am hurting too. I feel like it will NEVER get better…………
I am in the same exact boat. My mom died Nov. 22, 2008 and one of her friends that gave remarks at the funeral is now pursuing my Dad. They talk on the phone often and I believe he gave her a really nice Christmas gift! Although, I support him having a new life with a new lady friend, but not this soon. We haven’t had time to really adjust to Mom being gone and this only adds to the already devastating heartache. The friend has been a widow for a year, so it seems like she was waiting on my Mom to die. Although I don’t really believe that, but the appearance of it sickens me and I feel the gossip that will stir from this will dishonor my Mother’s memory and I can’t even bear to think of that.
Well guys, I made it through Christmas and now into the New Year and hope you were able to cope with your Dad’s during the holidays. My dad had a Christmas “decorating the tree” party a couple weeks before Christmas for all his
grandchildren and great-grandchildren at his house. We all brought pizzas over and his girlfriend brought cookies & fudge, etc. Since my mother died, this is the first time she had attended one of our family gatherings. I was polite to her and to my dad. Someone had given my husband & me tickets to a Christmas symphony orchestra performance a week or so after dad’s decorating party …tickets for 4. I decided that I would invite them to go with us…I really struggled with this….when I called Dad, he said he needed to talk to her first & he did …she declined because she had other plans. I WAS SO RELIEVED!! I realize that I still am not ready to accept this & quite honestly don’t think I ever will – because – I don’t have to accept her into my life & I really don’t want to.
She reciprocated the invitation through my Dad a week or so later to spend an evening out ….but I declined this time. I’m really not trying to discourage anyone from accepting your own situation (in time) . But from your comments, I believe we each feel pretty much the same. Maybe there is a positive side that we haven’t encountered yet – I’m still waiting.
Dear Susan Musselwhite, I hear you and I get it. My dad died 18 months ago and Mum has just joined a dating agency. But the way that she did it was deceitful. The way she broke the news to me shocking, although I put two and two together before she actually told me. My take on it is this: Get on with it if it will make you happy. Don’t expect me to be part of your relationship. From being a very close knit family to being estranged is quite something. Not like my dad would have wanted it, but that’s how it will have to be. You were saying: Maybe there is a positive side that we haven’t encountered yet – I’m still waiting.
I see it like this. If I become estranged when she move on, it will be easier to deal with the death of that parent as we have already parted in the living years.
I do know that I took my Dad’s death much harder than my mother did. He was very sick for a long time before he died with cancer. She didn’t shed one tear at his death bed or funeral and has been out with one of his friends who carried the coffin within weeks of Dad’s death (only on occasional basis as he has a complicated relationship with someone else “whatever”) and I have not stopped her. I’m surprised she even waited 18 months before she joined the dating agency. Good luck and goodbye Mother Dear! The obligation I had to keep her entertained and out and about (which was every weekend without fail although I have my own family) is now over! I choose to see it in a positive light.
All I can say is I am so glad that I came across this website. I lost my mother almost a year ago (Feb. 2008) and my father started “spending time” with an old friend from his past, 8 months later.
I was completely taken aback mostly because my mom told him repeatedly how she felt if he were to do such a thing. At the time I told him I thought it was too soon, but he kept going on about time and would it make a difference if it were a year or two.
I feel that he is not in the right frame of mind right now to even be thinking about a relationship. We not only lost my mom this year, but we lost my grandma (his mother), my brother in law, and my aunt (his sister). Not to mention a cancer scare for him and other illnesses that have had him hospitalized. I feel that he needs to take time and adjust to his new life before he brings someone else into it. I mean after all he’s not just bringing her into his life, but mine as well. I know I for one am still trying to adjust to life without my mom and don’t need this added to my plate.
I had a big talk with him over the holidays and told him how I felt. He knew that I wasn’t happy, but had no idea that it bothered me so much. I live in a different city than my dad, so I think it hit home for him when he could see how physically upset I was. At one point he said he was going to end the relationship to make me happy, but I know that isn’t the solution either. From what he tells me she has helped him through a difficult time and how can I be happy knowing that he is not. I told him there is no solution and it’s something we are going to have to deal with as issues arise.
As someone stated below, I too feel as if it is never going to get better. I just wanted to say thanks for posting your experiences because it’s nice to know that I am not alone.
My mother died in Aug. 2006 and my Dad just started dating a women a month ago. He said just for companionship and a friend. Then I just found out after only 4 weeks of dating he went and bought a new queen bed for her so she could sleep comforable with my dad. I just met her last night in the hospital as he is waiting to see what is wrong with his heart. I told him I wasn’t ready to meet her so he set it up that when I came to visit him last night in the hospital she was there. In front of me he found it necessary to call her angel, and feels he should talk mushie to her when I am around. My stomach was sick the whole hour I was there and when I left I cried for a long time. I love my dad but this is not fitting well with me, as he never once called my Mom angel or anything like that. They were married for 52 years. How do I cope with this?
As women, we certainly know that men and women think & act totally different from one another. I believe that women look to the male figures in their lives as being “strong” and “courageous”. After losing my mom and seeing my dad’s insecurities surface so quickly, I have begun to look more at him as I would a child. – needing someone to soothe his hurts. Perhaps the longer the marriage, the greater their need to have another companion – someone to soothe their hurt. It appears to me that your dad has been extremely lonely since your mom passed and he feels this woman has given him life again. It also seems that he loves, respects, and wants your approval in the biggest way. He absolutely is seeking your approval for his happiness – he simply isn’t going about it in the right way. He wants you to see what happiness this woman has brought him and he feels if you witness this, you will share in his happiness. This has got to be very tough for you. When he is back to health, you should share your feelings with him and let him know how you feel – nothing may change but at least you can open the lines of communication with him and perhaps he can share some of his deepest hurts and feelings with you at the loss of his wife and your mother. And perhaps he will be aware of his insensitivity to you in addressing this lady by calling her Angel, etc. – I bet he has no idea how this has hurt you,
and he needs to be aware of that. One thing is for sure, just as our parents could never select our friends or mates in life – we neither can select theirs. As difficult as it is, the marriage vows are “until death do us part”. He may try to replace your mother in his life with another…but after that many years of marriage, he will never be able to. He may be able to fulfill some of the emptiness he has felt and may feel he at least has a purpose to continue his life. You can’t change things and you don’t have to accept this with open arms. In time, you will learn to work around it and not let it absorb you and suck you up. I really feel your pain.
I lost my mother in July 2008 after a very long illness. My father started seeing a woman shortly after Thanksgiving. Not only was he seeing this woman, but he was lying about it until I found out in the worst possible way on Christmas Eve. Now, he is practically living with her. He knows that I do not approve, but he has told me on more than one occassion that he doesn’t care what I think. This hurts on so many levels that I can’t even begin to explain. My parents were together for 40 years. I was close to both of my parents. For him to “not care” what I think, is unthinkable for me. I don’t think I will ever understand any man.
My father died unexpectedly the day after Christmas 2008. He was married to my mom for 52 years. My mom will not let us help her with anything, but rather wants to call all the (male) friends my dad had to help her. She won’t let us help her do anything if it pertains to my dad including going into his bedroom. She would rather “donate” or sell items (and she doesn’t need the money) that were my fathers instead of ask either me or my sister or either of our sons if they would like to have something of my fathers. She has already traded his truck & her van in for a brand new van for herself. I do feel that mom thinks “it’s all about her” right now. It seems more like she is having a party instead of respecting my fathers memory. We loved my father very very much. A big man he was 6’4″ and he was like a “big teddy bear”. Since my father was near death almost 3 years ago, I feel my mother was and is jealous of the attention we gave my father. I feel she doesn’t want us to grieve for him, but rather for her. I do love my mother and it hurts me and my sister when she says she would rather have dads buddies or the neightbors come to help her instead of having us over. I don’t believe after just 4 weeks, that we have even completed the grieving stages and am starting to feel very bitter towards her. Will the hurt/pain ever get better? My sister & I cry many times throughout the day.
It is so good to know that I am not the only daughter dealing with these feelings. My Mom died December 7, 2008 after a 4 year fight with bone cancer. My parents had been married 50 yrs. that September. One week after my mother passed a women that was a member at the same club as my parents contacted my dad to send her condolences, saying she had just found out about my mom. She also tried to tell me that her and my mom were friends yet I know my mom did not care for her, and if thats a friend who needs enemies. Two days later she arrived with baked goods for my dad. When I tried to worn hi
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