Adult Bi Stories
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Adult Bi Stories
This article is more than 6 years old
This article is more than 6 years old
Labels about one’s sexuality can be limiting to those who feel their desire is fluid. Photograph: Alamy
Fri 2 Oct 2015 09.30 BST Last modified on Thu 23 Nov 2017 11.13 GMT
A thriller with a bisexual male hero? American readers can't handle it
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These days, I’ll mention a guy I dated if it comes up and is relevant, and then I’ll also say I’m dating a girl right now who I really really like, if they ask
I ’ve always felt attracted to both men and women, but usually not at the same time. One day it’s more dude-focused and then it’s back to women, but it always feels fluid. This has nothing to do with my ability to be in a committed relationship with one person. Actually, open or poly relationships have never worked for me, and I’ve mostly been in relationships with women.
I came out as bisexual to my mom at the age of 15. Back then, the terms homoromantic, one who dates mostly the same sex, an heteroromantic, one who dates mostly the opposite sex, weren’t around.
We were driving around downtown Evanston, a suburb just north of Chicago, in a navy blue Ford station wagon. She knew about John Turner, my boyfriend from our summer family vacation. But I felt like she must have known that something was going on with my best friend, Eleanor. I’d been fooling around with Eleanor since about age 13. My mom had no idea about any of my sexual adventures and I didn’t tell her that day. I did mention that the daughter of a family friend was bisexual, and that I was “also like her.” This was a strange new queer world to mom, and I felt like I needed to seek another support group aside from just my immediate family and one gay boy bestie at high school.
When I started attending a queer youth group at a church basement in Evanston, and sharing about my feelings of attraction and desire, it made sense to identify as bisexual. But I worried that my experience with John, my first boyfriend, wasn’t real at all, because it wasn’t like the one I’d had with Eleanor. Did that mean I was a lesbian, even though I really cared for John and liked the sexual experiences I’d had with him, and probably would have kept dating him if he lived nearby? I did end up meeting my first-ever girlfriend at that group, and have since mostly been in relationships with women.
But that early bisexual identity marker lingered for years, and I was reminded of it when I met Jason at a party in Chicago a few years ago.
Things with Kristin, my lover of nearly three years, were off again. She was living in Santa Fe, where she was doing a postdoc in neuroscience, and though I visited sometimes and admitted to myself that I was still deeply in love with her, this long-distance thing wasn’t quite working. Back in Chicago, I wasn’t interested in any other women. I felt really attracted to men again – like, I thought about sex with them when I masturbated – so why not make my fantasies a reality?
When I was talking with Jason, which involved looking at our phones and showing each other things and smiling a lot, my friend Marie interrupted and pulled me aside.
“So who’s that guy you’re talking to?” she asked.
“What? Oh, he seems nice. His name is Jason and he does web design or something,” I explained. “He’s also an artist.”
“I think he’s into you,” she whispered.
“Oh? What? Wait why do you think that!” I asked, in a shouting whisper.
“I mean, he’s giving you a lot of attention,” she said.
“We are having a conversation,” I remarked.
“Yeah, but like when a guy does that . . .” she said.
“Oh!” I exclaimed, as if finally getting something that I’d been blocking out of my purview for years, because I had been in this on-again, off-again thing with Kristin, who happened to be a woman, and I was really focused on her. She looked like a female version of Jim Gold, my elementary school dream boyfriend who played basketball and always had the latest Air Jordans, and she was also as athletic as he was.
Eventually I made my move, grabbing Jason’s hand and heading to the porch for a prolonged make-out session. I was grateful that Marie, another bisexual/queer-identified lady friend of mine who’d previously been married to a man but was now happily partnered with a masculine-of-center woman, had pulled me aside to have this girl-talk conversation. In talking with her, I felt like I could express my attraction to men without feeling judged. I wouldn’t have had the courage to keep talking with Jason if it weren’t for her. The truth was that I really didn’t want anyone at the party to think that I was bisexual, even though my actions were clearly indicating otherwise.
The term “bisexual” has always been pretty contested; there’s a stigma that bisexual women can’t ever be in a committed relationship, or that they just want to have sex all the time with everyone. Bisexual women are often identified by the sex of the partner that they’re with. I’ve had straight women friends of mine who tell me that they think I am straight and can I just get over this gay thing already, and lesbian friends throw me the stink eye and tell me that I really just need to admit that I’m gay.
Despite the potential for stigma, I decided to give it a chance with Jason. We went on a few more dates; we saw The Wolf of Wall Street, starring Leonardo DiCaprio (who I still think is hot), on a snowy dark night of Chicago winter. I hated the egregious masculinity of the movie, but Jason loved it. I was really into the fact that he was into it, and so to this day I still like that film. I took him to a queer performance art thing, and actually I hated it and he didn’t seem to mind it; later at dinner, we discussed Wolf.
Eventually, Kristin came back to town, we slept together, I realized I still wasn’t over her and I called it off with Jason. In doing so, I also felt like I’d put an end to my potential “bisexual” identity. Kristin made me feel safe again in a lesbian identity even though I refused to be in a relationship with her. Soon I would move to Los Angeles, and she would not come with me.
Nowadays I let my stories tell themselves, and I don’t claim an identity unless people ask. I’ll mention a guy I dated if it comes up and is relevant, and then I’ll also say I’m dating a girl right now who I really really like, if they ask. I like the identifier “homoromantic bisexual,” which implies that I am bisexual but mostly am involved romantically with other women. But to say lesbian or straight/mono-sexual disqualifies the ever-expansive realms of desire, and both of those terms feel dishonest to me.
Usually it’s not an identity question, except when it comes to Mom and Dad. They are still hoping that I’ll let them know when I decide on an all-encompassing, single label, that I will pick a side, so that at least they can know something about my future that they feel is certain, not just a driveby memory of a suburban car ride.
E17. 5 Ways To Break The Cycle of Dating Toxic People
E17. 5 Ways To Break The Cycle of Dating Toxic People
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Episode Details
Marie-Jones Duff is a Los Angeles based freelance multimedia journalist and frequent traveler with a fondness for all things bizarre and nerdy. Look for posts that focus on everything from men's fashion to science.
Looking for first gay experiences stories? If so, you wouldn’t be alone. According to scientific research, something like 7-8% of men who identify as heterosexual has had some type of same sex-experience.
While many websites tend to eroticize such encounters, few offer first hand, true stories of these gay experiences. Given interest in this topic, we thought it might be helpful to share some of these with readers.
Below is a podcast (E17) that features an email from a listener who identifies as straight but recently found himself attracted to another man at his gym. From The Men’s Self-Help Podcast .
E17. 5 Ways To Break The Cycle of Dating Toxic People
Do you attract unhealthy people to your life - romantic partners that are toxic? Have you been dating the same "type" of person, over and over again? If so, you aren't alone.
In this episode, Dr. Moore examines the issue of attraction and romance and how early childhood experiences have a way of influencing us in the here and now.
When listening, you'll learn 5 steps that you can take to break the cycle.
Also in this show, you will hear about a man in Wyoming who identifies as straight but has strangely found himself physically attracted to another man.
Confusing Love with Obsession ( Amazon )
Loving Kindness Meditation ( Guy Counseling )
More Men Than You Think Identify more
Do you attract unhealthy people to your life - romantic partners that are toxic? Have you been dating the same "type" of person, over and over again? If so, you aren't alone.
In this episode, Dr. Moore examines the issue of attraction and romance and how early childhood experiences have a way of influencing us in the here and now.
When listening, you'll learn 5 steps that you can take to break the cycle.
Also in this show, you will hear about a man in Wyoming who identifies as straight but has strangely found himself physically attracted to another man.
Confusing Love with Obsession ( Amazon )
Loving Kindness Meditation ( Guy Counseling )
More Men Than You Think Identify As ‘Mostly Straight’ ( The Cut )
What follows are 25 first gay experiences stories as told by men who identify as straight. To gather their narratives, we asked the Guy Counseling community to come forward and share.
First names are used to protect their identities. Our hope is to help men who are trying to come to terms with their sexuality. Remember, orientation is not always black or white.
“I was 21-years old and spent most of the summer working construction to make extra money for college. On the job, I got to know one of the guys [Mike] who was a little older than me. Like 25?
One Friday after work, a group of us stopped by a local watering hole to tie a few on. At the end of the night, Mike invited me back to his place to chill.
I don’t remember all of the details, but we ended up watching a movie and firing up some 420. The next thing I knew, we were going down on each other.
It only happened once, and we never talked about it again.”
“I’ve always been attracted to women never had an experience with another guy – although I had thought about it. But that changed during my time in boot camp after joining the Marines.
There was a guy who was about my age (22) who I was strangely attracted to. Not sure if it was his build or what but I just I just know that I liked him.
Just before graduation, we ended up hooking up off-base. Not sure how to explain the dynamics. Yeah, we had been drinking but we weren’t sloshed. What’s weird is that we ended up doing it two more times. I’m married now and so is he. We’re still friends on Facebook.”
“It was a few days just before Thanksgiving and everyone had left campus to go home for the holiday, except for me and two other guys staying in the dorms.
Feeling bored, the three of us decided to hang out in my room and play poker. One of the two dudes was out on campus. He offered to go down on me and the other guy as a bet. We thought he was joking but found out later he wasn’t.
It was the first time I had ever experienced something with another guy. It was also my last but I don’t regret it.”
“I had a buddy in college who was gay but in the closet. One night we were drinking scotch at his place and he confessed he had been crushing on me for a long time.
One thing led to another and we ended up making out. Later, we traded some oral action. Only happened once because it got weird afterward. Not sure why.”
“When I was 25-years old, I took my little brothers on a camping trip to the Northern woods of Wisconsin. We had been making the trek from Chicago for years but after our dad passed away, we decided to keep the tradition going.
While we were staying at a state campground, one of the park rangers came by our camping area to warn us of pending severe weather. I think the guy was around 30 years old?
We started talking and I got the sense he was interested in me. I’ve never been attracted to other men, but there was just something about him that I liked. Hard to explain. Maybe it was his cologne ?
Just before we left, he stopped by our camp and said he’d be visiting Chicago the next weekend. When I gave him my number, I knew exactly what I was doing.
Sure enough, when he arrived in town, he called. I ended up going to his hotel and we ended up getting it on. Nothing serious. He went down on me and I tried doing the same but wasn’t very good at it.
After that happened, I never heard from him again. Does this mean I’m gay? I don’t think so. I think labels do more harm than good.”
“I’m a building security guard on the East Coast. Two years ago, another guy who was my age was put on the night-shift. When you work that shift, it’s very quiet. To pass time, we made small talk and gossiped about people in the building.
One weekend around 2 or 3 in the morning, we were super bored and started talking about our hookup experiences. I don’t know what happened, but it must have gotten us both horned.
We ended swapping head in a utility room. It happened a few more times that summer – to the point where all one of us would have to do is say ‘utility room’ and the other guy knew what time it was.
When summer was over, he got transferred to another building. Not going to say I didn’t enjoy it and I know he liked it too.”
“When I was 25-years old, I was sentenced to prison for five years on a drug-related charge. In the end, I only ended up spending a year in jail.
During that time, I hooked up several times with a few of the inmates. It happens more than people think and not because straight guys are forced into it.
In my case it was mutual. To me, I was simply getting my needs met – just like the other guys doing time. Do labels really apply when you are doing time?”
“The summer after graduating high school, I took a job at a job at my local grocery store in the dairy department. You know, like stocking milk, cheese, and eggs. The work sucked and didn’t pay all that great, but I needed the cash for books.
There was another guy (Sam) who worked in the Deli that was around my age that seemed cool. From time to time, we’d run into each other and talk about sports and how the Packers were going to make it to Super Bowl.
One weekend I was alone in the dairy case, unloading expired milk from behind the casing and waiting for the truck to deliver the new stuff. That’s when Sam came to make small talk.
I don’t remember all of the details, but I know at some point I saw him popping wood under his work khakis. All I can tell you is that I was impressed.
We ended up j-rking together in the meat freezer. The whole thing was over in less than 10-minutes (if that). After that, we did more stuff but not in the store.”
“When I was in college, I played football. Not that I was anything to talk about because I mostly sat on the bench. But there was a first-string dude that I was buddies with where things used to happen.
It was never like we planned it or anything. Sometimes he’d pass by room [dorm] and say hello. One time, he showed up to shoot the $hit – you know, like to hang out.
I remember telling him my shoulder was messed up from a bad play and he offered to massage it to relax the muscle. That’s when I felt his stiffy against me through his sweats.
After that, the rest is history. We ended up messing around. Over the course of a year, it happened a few times. The dude is married now and so am I. To me, it doesn’t mean you are gay if you experiment.”
“There was only one time where I ever got it on with another dude and that happened at my gym, around 10-years ago. The truth is, I had always wanted to know what it was like so not going to lie.
I guess that is why I let this random guy do his thing on me. Yeah, it was cool. Not sure I would do it again but at least I can say I had a first gay experience.”
“I used to drive a Checker cab in Chicago back in the early 2000’s, when I was in my 20’s. Everyone knew the money was good in Boystown so most of the cabbies tried to grab fares on weekends by the bars.
One time, I picked up a ride by a guy who wanted a lift downtown. On the way, he offered me $300.00 to watch me j-rk. When I told him no, he upped it to $350, I told him I was down.
Quickest money I ever made. Don’t regret it either.”
“When I was back in high school, I dated this girl from my neighborhood. She had a brother who was the same age as me and we became friends.
One time while we were hanging out, he shared with me that he was bi. He asked me if I had ever been with another guy and I told him the truth – never.
Don’t ask me why but we started fooling around. I guess there was a part of me that was curious. The weird thing is the girl and I never messed around – not even once.
I don’t consider myself gay or even bi. Back then, I think I was just figuring things out and he was somebody to do that with.”
“When I was 19-years old, I worked at a hotel as a bellman. Frequently, male guests had me bring up their luggage.
At least five times, I ended up staying a little extra. It was always for a big tip. The best part was I didn’t have to do anything except pull my pants down and let them do their thing.
When you are young and broke, you’ll do anything for money. I’m married now with kids and don’t consider myself gay.”
“Back in college, there was a guy that I used to get with for oral stuff. One day, he asked me if I would ever want to do more. At first, I was hesitant because it seemed like that would be drawing a line, you know?
But he was persistent, and I admit I was curious. Long story short, it happened. I can’t say I didn’t like it because I did. But we only did it a few times.”
“It happened only a few times. A neighbor and I used to get together and smoke. A lot of what happened is fuzzy so I don’t remember all the details. But I do remember we did things.”
“I went onto a popular hookup app to see what I could find. Not sure how it happened but I ended up tapping on a filter that put me in a same-sex category. I eventually got out of it but it was too late, I was already listed in the gay area.
About an hour into it, a guy reached out to me and said he was just looking to give oral. Because I wasn’t having much luck in straightsville, I figured why not. There has always been a part of me who was curious, so I figured WTF not, you know?
To keep it real, I’ve got to say that I enjoyed myself. But once I got it out of
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