Accidental Impregnation Stories

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Accidental Impregnation Stories
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I desperately wanted to get pregnant and I needed some free sperm with no drama, no commitment and, definitely, no sex.
Dec 5, 2019, 09:00 AM EST | Updated Aug 29, 2020
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Most people heading in for a late-night Whopper at the Kankakee, Illinois, Burger King would have been shocked to know that a lesbian was meeting her sperm donor inside the restaurant, but there I was outside the men’s restroom, waiting for a paper cup full of semen. I would do anything for a baby of my own ― even pick up free sperm at a fast-food chain.
I’d wanted a baby since I was a little girl carrying a baby doll everywhere, sure that everyone believed she was real and knowing that someday she would be. Until one day I found myself 34 years old, single, lesbian and feeling desperate.
After a series of crazy ideas to get pregnant ― including a sexy dress, a six-pack of beer and an old co-worker who left town the day before I got to him; a gay friend who then tested positive for HIV; and a wild women’s weekend with drums and goddess chants that was followed by two missed periods but no pregnancy ― a cup full of live sperm in my hands seemed like a godsend.
The path to parenthood is tricky for LGBTQ folks. It’s not just a decision ― I want to be a parent ― as it is for many non-queer people. From the beginning there are ethical, financial and legal decisions to be made, not the least of which is, Will I try to have a birth child, and if so, how? If getting pregnant is a viable plan, doing so with a donor friend can lead to battles over parenting rights. Frozen sperm is expensive and brings loads of decisions, beginning with whether to use a known donor (so the child might contact the donor when they turn 18) or an anonymous donor (no identifying information, ever), as well as choices concerning the donor’s race/ethnicity, health history, IQ score, even whether they had acne as a teenager. Other options for LGBTQ folks, including surrogacy, in vitro fertilization and adoption, are also expensive and fraught with their own ethical considerations.
I decided to go the frozen sperm route. I had moved from Virginia, where the options for a queer, single woman without a ton of cash to obtain frozen sperm were few, to Chicago, where I had access to the Chicago Women’s Health Center’s insemination program for single and lesbian/bisexual women.
“The path to parenthood is tricky for LGBTQ folks. It’s not just a decision ― I want to be a parent ― as it is for many non-queer people. ... There are ethical, financial and legal decisions to be made, not the least of which is, Will I try to have a birth child, and if so, how?”
I knew from the beginning that I wanted a known donor, leaving the door open for my child to choose to make contact later. Each month, I’d call the clinic to request they order my frozen sperm the day before I expected to ovulate. The next day, I’d drive across the city to the clinic to collect the precious fluid in its metal shipping container that was half my height, filled with dry ice and looked like something out of “The Jetsons.”
At home, I’d open the metal tube ― vapors pouring over the lip and rising around my hands ― and slowly lift out one of the two tiny vials of sperm. I’d inseminate myself using a needleless syringe, just as the clinic showed me to do, two days in a row, and then return the giant capsule. I repeated this process unsuccessfully for several months.
Do you know how expensive frozen sperm is? My friends threw me a big sperm party ― not a party where people brought sperm, which might have been a great idea, but a fundraiser to buy the stuff. Still, I quickly ran out of savings.
My specific pregnancy dilemma was a combination of a limited income and not being straight ― and thus not able to obtain sperm by the traditional no-money-down method. And yet, ironically, sperm is not a scarce commodity. It’s everywhere ― I just couldn’t get my hands (or other parts) on any of it. What I needed was some free sperm that brought with it no drama, no commitment and, definitely, no sex.
One Saturday in the midst of this process, I went to an intuitive healing workshop with my closest friend and confidant, RoiAnn. We wrote down goals and meditated, focusing on creating a life we believed in. I was on that journey but I was stuck. The leader insisted, “There is no stuck. We can move through anything.”
How about money for sperm? I thought, but she didn’t address that.
Late in the morning, we formed pairs, looking deep into each other’s eyes while mirroring movements. My partner was a complete stranger, yet I felt this profound connection to him. He sat next to me at lunch, the energy radiating between us. As the group chatted, I told my story, coming to my current state: not pregnant and out of sperm money. This lovely man, Drake, asked why I didn’t just find a donor. I turned to him, got all shaky and dumped my entire glass of lemonade in his lap. Grabbing napkins and leaning toward him to clean it up, I stopped just short of rubbing his crotch. We all laughed, but I couldn’t stop thinking about this man’s private parts covered in my lemonade!
“Sperm is not a scarce commodity. It’s everywhere ― I just couldn’t get my hands (or other parts) on any of it. What I needed was some free sperm that brought with it no drama, no commitment and, definitely, no sex.”
The next day, as if spurred by karma, though perhaps just kindness, Drake called me and offered to be my donor. We talked through the complications, and he signed a contract stating that he would relinquish his parental rights should I conceive. Drake and his wife had not wanted children, but he felt a loss at not passing on his genes to another generation. He was tall and brilliant and approached our arrangement in a straightforward and gentle way. He was perfect.
The only problem was that he lived in Normal, Illinois, and I lived in Chicago. That’s a two-and-a-half-hour drive if there’s no traffic (and there’s always traffic).
The first time I inseminated myself using Drake’s sperm was on a weekend. Drake and his wife invited me to their home for dinner, wine and good conversation. I brought a date ― not a typical way for lesbians to spend their time when casually dating, but she was game. After dinner, we got down to business. Shortly after retiring to a room on the lower level, Drake returned with a coffee cup full of his fresh semen. Using my handy little syringe to squirt the valuable fluid right up to my cervix, I inseminated in a room full of windows looking out into the woods. During the night, deer came to eat corn left outside in the moonlight. It was magical.
And, unfortunately, we just couldn’t do it that way every month. When you’re ovulating, you’re ovulating, and you have to have sperm that very day and the next. It’s one thing when you’re in love and sperm delivery is fun ― and convenient ― for everyone. But when you have to drive two-and-a-half hours each way to get the sperm, and you figure out you’re ovulating that morning by taking your temperature and peeing on a stick, it’s not a simple process.
The next time I ovulated was on a Tuesday. On Wednesday morning, I had to be at work before 7 a.m. to set up a training for 50 people. My little Honda Civic hatchback was jampacked with training manuals, name tags, and an easel with paper. The back was full but there were still two seats up front, and RoiAnn offered to drive with me.
I called Drake as soon as I knew I was ovulating. He said, “Forget the trip to downstate. Just meet me at the Burger King in Kankakee. You know, that exit, Kankakee, or maybe it’s Dwight, near the men’s prison, the only gas station and food for miles?” This plan cut my trip in half!
We pulled up to find Drake already at the filling station getting gas. He was cordial but direct.
“Hey, good to see you,” he said. “I’m in a bit of a hurry. I’m going to run to the restroom with this paper cup. Meet me there.”
“It’s one thing when you’re in love and sperm delivery is fun ― and convenient ― for everyone. But when you have to drive two-and-a-half hours each way to get the sperm, and you figure out you’re ovulating that morning by taking your temperature and peeing on a stick, it’s not a simple process.”
As he went in, he handed me a jar of honey from a beehive he and his wife looked after. Inside the Burger King, I tried to look casual as I waited just outside the men’s room. Coolly, without the least bit of awkwardness, Drake walked out of the men’s room, handed me a Burger King cup full of his semen, smiled, and headed out of the restaurant. Looking around, I took the cup into the women’s room and used my little syringe to inseminate in one of the stalls.
Now, I couldn’t let all that valuable stuff leak out of me, especially after a wonderful man drove all that way to dispense it for me in a Burger King restroom (and I didn’t even buy him dinner!). Fertility books recommend that after a woman is inseminated, she lie back with her hips up on a pillow, allowing gravity to assist. Unfortunately, I had no comfy pillows available and the back seat was full of training supplies. With RoiAnn as the driver, I adjusted the passenger seat back as far as it would go, pushing against those supplies. I climbed in backward, with my head hanging over the seat where the legs usually go and my feet sticking up in the air, and waited for nature to do its thing.
When we got back to Chicago, we stopped at a little spot on the Chicago River. I’d read in an old witch’s almanac that if you put honey from the man you wish to become pregnant with on a pumpkin and throw it into the river, that will seal the deal. The moon reflected on the water as I threw the sticky pumpkin while speaking words of my intent.
Telling you I got pregnant that night would be the Hollywood ending to this story, but I didn’t. Nor did I on the next trip to Burger King or the few we took after that.
Instead, I headed into the complicated world of infertility testing and insurance fine print. My insurance plan specifically stated that in order for this costly testing to be covered, I had to have sexual intercourse in a heterosexual relationship for at least a year . Tricky.
After covering some tests out of pocket, I ended up in the office of a new gynecologist who did not know whom I was ― or was not ― having sex with. My test results? Blocked tubes. My only path to pregnancy was an emotionally and physically challenging, as well as expensive, in vitro fertilization (IVF) process. I was exhausted.
The path to parenthood as a queer person can be a marathon ― it takes stamina and determination. Just the mention of wanting children seems to confuse friends, family and medical professionals who are used to parents being non-queer. It’s much better than it was when I began my process, but LGBTQ people must still push to be seen as potential parents. Each road ― whether it’s insemination, IVF, surrogacy or adoption ― is an uphill battle.
Add infertility, and the climb gets steeper. Medical and insurance policies, as well as adoption programs and legal procedures, are designed for the heterosexual user. Some policies leave queer folks out because our desire to be parents never occurred to the writers. Others are intentionally discriminatory.
For me, however, not being a mother was not an option.
I reasoned that while IVF might or might not have eventually resulted in my birthing a baby, adoption would definitely make me a mom. The hurdles for LGBTQ and single people to adopt are also huge ― but not insurmountable. I began an intensive search for a program that would bring me my child, saving every penny while I did my research.
In time, my casual relationship became committed and my partner committed not only to me but also to the process of adoption. Three years later, a beautiful infant boy became ours. His feisty little toddler sister came home two-and-a-half years after that. I became a mom in a two-mom family. And my friend RoiAnn, who’d seen me through it all, became Auntie Roi.
Joy Wright is a Best of the Net-nominated writer, storyteller and social justice activist. You can find her telling stories around Chicago or cheering on her kids not-so-cleverly disguised as a soccer mom.
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Sep 6, 2013, 04:52 PM EDT | Updated Sep 11, 2013
10 Must-Know Birth Control Facts See Gallery
A weekly exploration of women and power.
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If you took sex ed at school, you probably heard that the pull-out method was an unreliable and risky form of contraception.
But according to New York Magazine , an increasing number of women are using it.
This week, Ann Friedman wrote a piece on the "pull-out generation" -- women who rely on the method as their primary form of contraception. Many of the women Friedman interviewed were in long-term monogamous relationships, and getting pregnant would not be, in one source's words, "the end of the world." These women track their ovulation cycles and plan their sex lives accordingly. Apparently they're not alone. Researchers at Duke University estimate that one-third of women between the ages of 15 and 24 have relied on the "withdrawal method."
In response to Friedman's piece, an anonymous writer shared her experiences using the method in a piece for the Frisky :
I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I couldn’t enjoy sex with a condom, I still felt reluctant about taking the Pill and I heard at least five IUD horror stories from friends.
We asked our readers to share their experiences with the withdrawal method. Here are eight of their stories:
My fiancé and I have used the pull out method successfully since we started dating 3 years ago. I use a period tracker app (ptracker) and we just don't have sex when I'm supposed to be ovulating. Both of us are comfortable in our relationship and if something DOES happen, then that's ok.
Granted, my fiancé pulls out like 10 seconds prior to coming, but it doesn't hurt the mood and I don't have to deal with all the crazy scary side effects of taking birth control for most of my life. I started on [birth control] when I was 15 and decided about 4 years ago (when I was single) to take myself off. I didn't like the idea of having all these crazy hormones in my system!
For years I used the rhythm and pull out method. I didn't want to be on birth control and my husband didn't want to wear a condom. It worked most if the time. Only once out of countless times did I get pregnant.
When it comes to satisfaction in our sex life, I couldn't be happier. I love that my body is allowed to do what it does naturally, and that I don't have to suffer through uncomfortable side effects. And since marriage is on the horizon for us, and we both agree that we want children, when we decide to be risky and use the pullout method in or near my fertile window, there's far less stress. This may also be because he's had the practice of being able to time his actions, but I do think a lot of it has to do with knowing exactly how "risky" we're being (5 days before ovulation? We'll be okay. Day of ovulation? Maybe we should use a condom). I don't know to what extent other women use the pullout method in conjunction with condoms as opposed to using solely the pullout method (with or without cycle tracking), but I actually feel a stronger bond with my partner because that trust has to be there. I have to trust him to pull out in time (or stop midway through to put on a condom), and he has to trust me to be honest about where I am in my cycle. It's a two-way street, and the fact that we have that trust I think shows the strength of our relationship (because the communication HAS to be there, and is present in other aspects of our relationship).
I was a teenager when I used the pull-out method as a form of contraception, more than once or twice, with the father of my birth son, who is now 25 years old. On the topic of the pull-out method, it doesn't work! My boyfriend at the time didn't wear condoms and I wasn't on any form of birth control. Bad combo for not getting pregnant. Risky.
I've definitely relied on the pull out method! Just ask my two year old son!
I'm SO glad someone is talking about this! I relied on the withdrawal "method" of birth control at the young age of 17, not having been put on birth control for lack of having a gynecologist. I made an initial appointment when I turned 18 but every time the appointment date came around I had my period so would have to reschedule. Not being on birth control it was hard to predict when I would and wouldn't have it. Anyway, after two years of using this method, I got pregnant. I knew back then how naive I was to think it wouldn't happen. And after having gone through that experience, not only have I never gone off the pill, but it also infuriates me how dumb some of my friends are that haven't learned from what happened to me. It's pure and utter foolishness. It shouldn't even be called a birth control method because it's not. At all.
Everyone does this. I've had two serious relationships and both of them, this was the expected method of contraception. It's almost an expectation when having sex on both parties that you have to do that. It feels so much riskier when you don't pull-out. Why have I done it? It feels better than using a condom. A lot of times girls are using both methods, the pill and pull-out because we've been horrified from scary stories of unwanted pregnancies, and if you KNOW you aren't ready for a child, two methods are always safer. Also girls use this method because it is just kind of what everyone does. You don't even have to tell the guy -- or at least I haven't ever had to, that it's not okay to go inside me. Guys even pull-out when they use a condom.
I have plenty of friends not on the pill who use pulling-out as their only go-to when they have sex with a trusted partner (trusted meaning, they trust they don't have STD's). When I really think about it, it sounds kind of dumb to rely on this method alone, but then you get into the whole issue with birth control and what it does to your hormones, and you consider the horror stories of IUD's and diaphrams it kind of, sort of makes sense.
My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years. We have a six-year-old. After relying on the pill for years starting in college up to my early 30's, I went off the Pill to have my child. After the birth of my child, I didn't feel like getting back on the pill primarily because I was already so overwhelmed with being a parent that I worried about remembering to take the pill on time every day and also, I didn't want to gain the weight that I gained when I first went on the pill. C
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