A Wife S Ex

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A Wife S Ex
How Long Has It Been Since You Broke Up?
3. How Often And When Do They Communicate?
What Do They Do When They Hang Out?
What Do They Still Share In Common?
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When you're in a relationship with someone, it's rarely just with them. To some degree, you’re also connecting your life with their family and circle of friends. That can be a really incredible experience where you gain new friends and maybe even family, but it can also be tricky if there are people in that group who your partner has a complicated relationship with, like an ex. If your partner’s ex is still in their life , there are some questions you may want to ask, just to make sure everything is on the up and up with you two, and so you can feel secure in the relationship if their ex's presence makes you feel icky.
First of all, is it even possible for exes to be just friends? Well, I can tell you from personal experience that it absolutely is. One of my very best friends is an ex, who is now also really close with my current partner. There is no jealousy because my partner knows that we are totally platonic, and that comfort came about after a series of frank and honest conversations. Plus, we all hang out a lot and he was able to see that my actions matched my words.
So, if you're in a similar situation, don’t panic — talk about it with your partner. Here's what the experts say you need to ask and what to look out for that might spell trouble in the relationship.
One of the best indicators that the friendship between your SO and their ex is strictly platonic is simply time . The longer it’s been since they split up, the more likely it is that they truly are just friends, which is great! But it is worth noting that boundaries are what's most important when it comes to having an ex in your SO's life.
" Being platonic friends with an ex (after a bit of cooling off time) is completely fine, as long as you respect boundaries …and let everyone know there’s no chance of reconciliation," online dating expert Julie Spira told Elite Daily.
Unless this is your first relationship, you’re well aware that the way a relationship ends makes a big difference in the dynamic moving forward. Depending on who ended things, your partner may still have some lingering feelings for their ex, or vice versa. Relationship coach Fran Greene, LCSW , told Elite Daily that the ideal situation is one where the split was mutual. If not, there should be “ no renewed friendship. ”
My ex (now best bud) and I communicate in basically the exact same way I keep in touch with all my other friends. If you didn’t know we dated in the past, you would never guess by our text message content or pattern. So, considering how your partner talks to their other friends is a good indication of how they feel toward their ex. New York-based author and relationship and etiquette expert April Masini says to look out for communication styles that indicate a more intimate connection.
"If your partner tends to make late-night calls to his or her ex after you're asleep, it's because they have an intimate relationship that doesn't include you,” Masini tells Elite Daily. “This is a bad sign for your romantic relationship because the seeds for romance are being sown in these late-night calls with someone your ex has been in love with before. It sets the stage for romance — without you."
Similar to communication style, you can learn a lot based on how and when the two of them spend time together. Is it in a group setting? Are you also welcome to join? Those are good signs. Not good, however, is when their “hangouts” seem more like dates, Masini says. " If your partner has regular dates with an ex , and they don't start [out] seeming like dates, but eventually they do, your relationship could be coming into jeopardy," she says. "When these catch up dinners and drinks become regular, and your magnanimous attitude turns green with jealousy, your ego is telling you that something is wrong.“
Is it just that they have fun together and like to joke around? Or do they still share similar passions? I don’t mean romantic, exactly. But do they get excited about the same things and share those experiences with one another in a way that leaves you out in the cold? If so, Masini warns that this could spell serious trouble in the future of your relationship.
" For instance, if your partner loves travel , and you don't and won't, and you see him or her enjoying this passion with an ex, you've basically given that ex a tacit invitation to interfere in your relationship," says Masini. "If your partner has a passion, get involved. If you don't, and you see his or her ex enjoying it with him or her, beware."
While that all may sound scary, it's not always the norm. Exes can be friends and have no desire or hope of rekindling in the future. Divorced parents often do it for their kids, and although you may find yourself in a different walk of life, the key to any kind of relationship succeeding is an open line of communication. If you have any concerns, bring them up with your partner! They'll help reassure you, and perhaps the two of you can brainstorm a solution. Maybe all it takes is dinner with the two of them for you to realize that there is absolutely nothing going on, and there never could be. Their ex may even become a new friend! Anything's possible, if you just talk about it.
Check out the “Best of Elite Daily” stream in the Bustle App for more stories just like this!
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Dalaina has been on both sides of the coin: ex-wife and second wife of a man with an ex.
As my husband's second wife, I never once considered the thoughts and feelings of his ex-wife. Rather, I was enjoying my new marriage and family! It wasn't until I was on the flip side of the situation that I truly understood the emotions that flared from being the ex-wife.
When my first marriage ended, I was confident in my decision for both me and my children. Although my ex and I had been high school sweethearts, time had changed us both into adults that were no long compatible. Our changing personalities combined with small children, financial strain, and a lack of time with each other was an equation for a failing marriage! He and I didn't work out, we were young, I assumed someday he would move on. Of course someday he'd find someone new.
My husband and I have shared many experiences together, both good and bad, in the short number of years we have known each other. When we got married, not only was it taking our relationship to a new level, but combining two families. He had two sons and I had two daughters. It was exciting to have this ready-made family, even though it wasn't always easy. With this second marriage came the label of "step-mother" and a vast amount of uncharted territory!
It was nice to get to be a parent figure with less responsibility. If the boys were in trouble, my husband handled the situation. If unwanted news had to be delivered, it came from my husband. Meaning most of the time, if the boys were mad, it was at my husband. I was able to be the good guy! I figured since I also now had a tie to the children, it was best to try to befriend my husband's ex-wife. It was hard to understand why, despite my endless friendly attempts, she wanted nothing to do with me. I was sincere in my efforts, so why did she feel threatened or upset?
A few years after our divorce, my ex-husband married his new wife. I had already been remarried and was happy with my new family, so why should I care that he had moved on. I wanted him to find someone and I didn't regret the decision I had made, yet there were many emotions surfacing that I thought I had already faced.
Although I had seen this woman before, I now found myself comparing everything about her to me. Was it her physical appearance? Personality? Demeanor? What was it that she had that I was missing? As I continued to pin-point why I didn't measure up, I continued my effort to befriend my husband's ex-wife. I finally understood.
Regardless of my efforts, as the "new wife" I would always represent a failed role in a marriage. Whether or not the marriage was meant to last, was enjoyable, or even wanted, it had fallen apart. Now that I was enlightened, I had to pick my role as both, an ex-wife and a new wife.
Not only was she the new wife, but also the step-mother of my children. As their mother, it was my job to analyse her every move. I had to, for my kids. Although I should have been thrilled that she was quickly welcomed by my daughters; their eager acceptance made me feel threatened. "Of course they like her more than me, she doesn't have to be the bad guy and I do!" Rather than embracing a well-liked step-parent, I felt as though she was invading my territory.
After seeing the situation from both sides, I realize that regardless of my emotions and fears, I must live my life. I can't change the past, but I can live the future to the fullest. Yes, I made mistakes in my first marriage, but rather than compare myself to someone else, I will learn from my mistakes and grow.
It's my responsibility to respect the relationships of others and to respond in a mature manner. I may never understand everything running through their heads, but I do realize that there are many emotions that are completely unrelated to me. It's not expected that I become friends with my husband's ex-wife or my ex-husband's new wife. Rather than spend the remainder of my years bickering with someone, I will respect our distance and remember the emotions that arose!
Although some may like to think that a divorce is the end of a marriage, it is really the beginning of a whole new world of possibilities. I will breathe a little easier, knowing that my daughters are with someone they have accepted and enjoy. I will be thankful that they have been given an extra set of parents to love and to protect them. I will be a little more accepting, since I am both the ex-wife and the new wife.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

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Can’t stop thinking about your wife’s past? Wondering whether or not your wife’s past is a “dealbreaker?”
If you’re struggling with your wife’s past, you are not alone.
Since I launched this website back in 2013, I’ve received thousands of emails from thousands of husbands struggling with the following subject: “Wife’s past is killing me.”
Sometimes, a husband has been troubled by his wife’s past since before their engagement. Sometimes, a husband only starts obsessing about his wife’s past years , or even decades, after the wedding.
Although I receive emails from men and women regarding all different kinds of “retroactive jealousy” —ie. intrusive thoughts concerning a partner’s past relationships/sexual history—emails from husbands troubled by their wife’s past almost always come down to the same topic: sex .
Some husbands are troubled by the fact of their wife having any sex with anyone else before they married. Thinking of their wife’s previous partners makes them sick.
Other husbands find out some “dark sexual secret” about their wife’s past which might be considered a “dealbreaker.” This is especially common when the wife is talking about ex lovers non-stop.
However, most of the husbands who write to me are fixated on just one “thing;” one event, one person, one scenario, one sexual act… just this “one thing” about their wife’s past that they can’t seem to stop thinking about. “I can’t get over my wife’s past” – common thought that goes through their mind.  
And let me be absolutely clear: there is no “overnight fix” for retroactive jealousy concerning your wife’s past. To get to the bottom of this issue takes some effort, humility, dedication, and an open mind.
And as I’ve learned after working with hundreds of one-on-one coaching clients and students taking my online course, retroactive jealousy is not just about what did or didn’t happen in your partner’s past. 
To get to the bottom of retroactive jealousy, we need to get to the bottom of our values, our expectations, our conception of ourselves and our partner, our childhood, our own sexual past, and much more.
All of this is to say: retroactive jealousy is complicated. (I wrote an entire book , and designed a 10+ hour online course on this very topic.)
However: if you’re struggling with your wife’s past, and you’re looking for a way to start healing, here are five suggestions and mindset shifts you can implement immediately.
(Buckle up. This is a bit of a lengthy one…)
And to be clear, this advice is based on my own experience of retroactive jealousy, and the experiences of thousands of readers, students taking my online course “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast,” and one-on-one coaching clients.
I’ve covered this issue at length in other videos and blog posts, so I’ll keep this point brief.
However, if you want to “stop the bleeding” as quickly as possible, the first step is to immediately stop asking your partner questions about her past. Wife talking about ex lovers? Stop her.
I know it’s tempting, I know you can’t stop thinking about it, and I know there’s a part of you that thinks that if you get the answer to “just one or two” more questions, you’ll find some peace.
But let me tell you from experience:
You can’t “think” or “reason” your way through this issue. Really. And your wife can’t solve this problem for you, no matter how much she divulges about her past.
What’s more, the more information you receive, the more you’ll think you need. It’s a neverending cycle, like a junkie who promises himself he just needs “one more fix.”
Chances are good that if you found this article/video, you already know way too much about your wife’s past already. 
And chances are also good that you have the answers to the most “important,” potential “dealbreaker” questions about your wife’s past. (Which we’ll get to in a moment…)
So be disciplined with yourself, and commit to STOP talking to your wife about her past— at least for the next two months.
And stop the Facebook/social media stalking as well. I can promise you that no good will come from it.
I wrote an article /video about values which I’d encourage you to take a look at. But in brief:
One thing I’ve learned over the years working on this issue, is that the people who work their way through retroactive jealousy are the ones who get clear about their values, and whether or not their partner shares their values.
Look, I get it. It’s confusing. You might love your wife, she might be the mother of your children and the woman you see yourself growing old with, but still… there are these nagging questions relating to her past…
How could she let herself do those things? What kind of woman would do that? Why can’t I stop thinking about it? What does her past say about who she is, and who she could be in the future? My wife’s past is killing me.
Now, nine times out of ten, the man struggling with these questions does not exactly have a squeaky-clean past himself…
Retroactive jealousy can seriously warp and distort our perspective on what is “normal” and not normal, what is and isn’t acceptable, what’s a dealbreaker, and what’s not.
When I tell you that retroactive jealousy is your problem, and not your partner’s, I am NOT saying that your partner’s past isn’t a dealbreaker. Of course, your values may be different than mine, and anyway, I have no idea.
What I AM saying is that a) your partner can’t solve this problem for you, and b) you have a decision to make, one way or the other, before you can move forward.
And, in my mind, acting like the victim, and being indecisive, is the antithesis of masculinity.
So don’t put it off: do whatever you need to do to get clear about your values, and decide, one way or the other: do I want to leave my wife, or work through this issue? Is this aspect of my wife’s past a “dealbreaker,” or not? Do I want to put in the work to get past this, and save my marriage, or not?
Spending time in solitude can be enormously helpful in this regard. So can meditation, physical activities like running, cycling, or hiking, spending time with trusted male friends, an extended solo road trip, or speaking with a (good) therapist.
Whatever decision you make, be sure you make it during an extended period when you can think relatively clearly—NOT in the midst of a panic or anxiety attack, or when your retroactive jealousy is at its height.
So whatever decision you make: give it some serious consideration, and commit, one way or the other.
Don’t necessarily rush your decision, but in the interest of your personal sanity/peace of mind, don’t put it off forever either. 
Ask yourself: “Am I going to overcome this issue, or not?” It really is as simple as that. If you want to overcome this—truly, in your heart of hearts—and you’re willing to put in the work, you will accomplish your goal.
And whatever you decide, really commit to it. Write it down on a tiny slip of paper, and keep it in your wallet. Remember your decision, in your darkest moments, so you can stay on track with your healing. 
The fact is many, if not most women have episodes from their past they regret, or feel shame around. And of course, your wife can’t change her past, and neither can you.
That leaves you to, as the ancient Stoics liked to say, “focus on what is within your sphere of influence, and disregard everything else. Anything else is madness.”
If you decide to stay, commit to staying—and doing whatever it takes to stay disciplined, and work through this issue. 
And if you decide to leave, let me tell you that it might not ultimately solve your problem: retroactive jealousy has a nasty habit of following people through multiple relationships. 
With the explosion of the blogosphere, and YouTube, and endless available information from an endless number of sources, I often say there’s never been a better, or worse time to be dealing with retroactive jealousy.
On the one hand, there is a lot of high-quality information out there, written by thoughtful, responsible people, with a genuine aim to help others.
Unfortunately, at the same time there are numerous bitter, misogynistic, ridiculously insecure men out there who think they have all the answers when it comes to women, who is “wife material” and who is not, what is an “acceptable” number of past partners, who is a “slut” and who’s not, and how to think about a woman’s past.
So rely on your own internal compass, whatever decision you make. Be careful about the information coming in. Be careful who you turn to for guidance.
Beware of people trying to get you to conform to their ideology, and infect you with their bitterness and insecurity. 
Life is confusing, we all make mistakes, we all have regrets, and hopefully, most of us are
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