A Wife And Mother 0.09

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A Wife And Mother 0.09
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Gray Rocking Invites Your Narcissistic Wife to Seek Drama Elsewhere

Ready for a change in your relationship?
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Therapists are only supposed to engage in self-disclosure if it serves the treatment plan for the client. I see no reason to have a different standard for this blog.
With that in mind, I’d like to disclose that in my first marriage, I had a severely narcissistic wife…and I was no prize either, I was a profoundly passive-aggressive husband.  
Not that I was the less toxic of the two of us. Not by a long shot.
We married young, and I was only 19 when our son was born. It was a turbulent 23 years that I’d rather not revisit… thank you very much.
However, this morning one of our readers wrote me to point out that up until now I had successfully avoided any mention of the Narcissistic Wife, and she specifically asked me to correct that injustice.
I’ve discussed narcissism at length in many previous posts. But I have too often written about the topic as if having a narcissistic personality was part and parcel of possessing a penis (just flexing my capacity for alliteration) …but I digress.
The Narcissistic Wife is perpetually seeking to prop up her self-esteem.
Some thought-leaders see narcissism as a perpetual crisis of relational insecurity. This may surprise you because the Narcissistic Wife appears to be supremely self-confident.
But as the swan glides serenely across the surface of the pond, no one sees the furious paddling which occurs underneath.
The problem is that for the Narcissistic Wife , this furious paddling is the essential purpose of their lives.
It’s even more important than her kids…and it’s certainly more important than you .
When the Narcissistic Wife experiences a crisis in her self-esteem, her toolbox only contains two mindsets:
As couples therapist Terry Real points out, grandiosity becomes the go-to strategy because it feels soooo much better than the alternative.
You have trauma from all her drama. She will seek out pre-existing drama and insert herself into it. If she fails to find drama, she will manufacture it. She will seek, always, to be the center of gravity in an ongoing conflict. For the Narcissistic Wife , conflict is her emotional comfort food.
It’s her way or the highway. The Narcissistic Wife also has no capacity for reflection or self-evaluation. The words “I was wrong,” or I’m sorry” will never fall from her lips.
You will learn to never challenge her, or thwart her in her machinations. She will train you to not set limits or dare to discuss an alternate point of view.
Because of her empathy deficit, over time, her intimate relationships become increasingly shallow and sparse as the reflecting pond she glided so effortlessly on… dries up over time.
When she is found out in her financial or sexual infidelities , the Narcissistic Wife is impossible to confront in couples therapy…especially while her marriage and other intimate relationships are collapsing around her.
Gaslighting Narcissism is the ultimate control strategy. To “gaslight” someone is to cause them to lose confidence in their own perceptions. Gaslighting is intentionally making someone doubt their experience or perception of reality.
Narcissistic Wives often fare poorly in couples therapy, because by then… it’s often too late.
Forensic psychologist William B. Nash, Ph.D ., is in private practice in Essex Junction, Vermont. Dr. Nash reports that he has yet to meet a client with “pure” Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In his observation, clients may display both narcissistic and borderline characteristics, what he calls “crossover” traits.
He has also found that treating this type of disorder is extremely difficult… a truly “Herculean task.”
Couples Therapy is not appropriate for extremely narcissistic wives.
Individual therapy is your first, best option. The paradox is since you’re the obvious problem. ..what’s the point of her entering therapy?
You’ll need these 6 best practices…because dealing with your Narcissistic Wife in couples therapy is a risky, unpredictable, and typically unsuccessful option for you.
She comes by her behavior honestly, as we all do. Because of acute family-of-origin deficits, some spouses need to develop over time in a relationship with a partner. She will too…if you give her some helpful feedback.
Hopeful Spouse Counseling might be the exact therapeutic support that you will need to keep yourself on track. One of the pitfalls of having a Narcissistic Wife is the temptation to respond to her with passive aggression. This may be a hard habit to break, and you’ll need support to keep your side of the street tidy.
A friend of mine made a smart move during his divorce from his narcissistic wife. Although the lawyers had worked out a settlement, he asked a friend of his to endorse a check to his soon-to-be ex-wife as a “loan” to him to cover the upfront cash she was expecting from the settlement agreement.
He knew that if he came up with the money promptly, she would drag out the settlement. He knew that she would be delighted that he had to ask his bestie for a loan…so he let her believe that.
I love therapists who probe deeply into important topics.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica and Sherman Oaks, CA. She’s also a Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, where she was named Outstanding Professor in 2012 and was a visiting professor at the University of Johannesburg.
Dr. Ramani was also the national recipient of the American Association of University Women Emerging Scholar Award.
Her work is direct, honest, and she doesn’t mince words. Dr. Ramani has put together an outstanding youtube channel on dealing with narcissists and other personality disorders.
Here is her impressive video on the grey rock technique:
Once you’re divorced, your narcissistic wife is someone else’s problem. Outside of unavoidable conversations about your kids, she should be treated like a stranger.
However, there’s a downside to Gray Rock Method. if you’re not careful, it could sap vitality out of other relationships. Remember that gray-rocking is an act, a stance, a way of being grounded in self-protection.
Other relationships in your life deserve more from you. Don’t let your gray-rocking expand into other relationships that might be occasionally conflictual, but reliably safe.
A Narcissistic Wife may eventually see the wisdom in learning how to calm down when you set firm and non-negotiable limits, and enter therapy for her Narcissistic Personality Disorder…but it’s not likely.
However, while couples therapy is NOT the first place to seek help, Hopeful Spouse Counseling just might be.
It starts with a no-obligation 15 minute phone call with our client services team.
Prefer to explore options on your own first? 
Daniel is a Marriage and Family Therapist and the blog editor. He currently works with couples online and in person. He uses EFT, Gottman Method, Solution-focused and Developmental Models in his approaches. Daniel specializes in working with neurodiverse couples, couples that are recovering from an affair, and couples struggling with conflict avoidant and passive aggressive behavior patterns.
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I read story after story here and I could write my own. I can’t dismiss something however. When I read things like “a good Christian woman” or “a perfect wife” I get a sick feeling in my stomach. FFS because your wife moves on from your paradigm of what in your mind constitutes a “good wife” that doesn’t make her a narcissist!
It actually might be pointing out that you (or me)
Are an oppressive asshole. Be careful who you are calling a narcissist. Be curious about male oppression.
I’ve been married 30 years. Wife is a mental health professional with 2 masters degrees. She has diagnosed me with NPD, PAPD, Avoidant PD,
And I’m pretty sure I have ADHD. She is very intelligent. I am no saint but I’m still here and have had no affairs. In hindsight I did things in our early relationship that were mean and I think it was like a narcissistic wound to her. I’m pretty passive aggressive. My dad was very emotionally abusive since day 1. Wife has 3 siblings all with personality disorders. My wife has beaten me 3-4 times over the 30 years. Like a 20 minute wrestling match where I restrain her from punching and kicking me repeatedly. Never talked about. Punched me in the face twice. A few years ago she was very outspoken about wanting to leave me and hooked up with an old boyfriend and said she didn’t have sex with him but gave him a blowjob because she didn’t want to have intercourse. No sure I believe that except for the fact that the old BF is a big rich extroverted narcissist. Who knows. Don’t care. She threatens to leave me frequently. Actually says the only reason she doesn’t is that she is waiting for something better then she will be gone. Today another ultimatum that if I don’t start being more positive, appreciative, caring, reflect back what she is saying, etc then “we are done”. Last night after 2 martini's she insisted that I tell another person at the table what a covert narcissistic abusive oppressive male I am and stop this cycle of abuse. We’ll I didn’t say the right words and she stormed off in the rain because I humiliated her again. Which I have done countless times. I am so fucking confused, battered, and have absolutely zip self confidence-now I have to once again convince her that I understand how abusive I am and what I am going to do to change and be more relational. I don’t know how much longer I can lie to myself. I’m 65 I have zero retirement. She has contributed little in the way of finances but is counting of inheriting a large sum of money when her parents die both are in their 90s.
Wish me well.
I do wish you well. And you’re not dead yet. Read your own post and realize you still have a life ahead of you. If you are being abused in your marriage, as it sounds to me like you are, get help to decide what to do. She’s not the one who’s going to change. The ball is in your court. Time to step up and protect yourself. –Dr. K
Holy cow! Check check check check! Thank you!
My wife and I have been in couples therapy for approximately 5 years with different therapists/psychiatrist w/out success. Only one understood the difficulty in our relationship. My wife wouldn’t attend sessions after awhile. I have studied many of Dr. Durvasula’s videos and now have a better understanding of my wife’s behavior (Covert NPD) as well as my own. My wife is a text book Covert Narcissist with progressive onset of dementia raised by a Covert Narcissist mother with dementia. She also has 2 sisters who exhibit the same behavior w/out All three have strained relationships with their spouses. I am seeking individual assistance toward recovery including dissolving the marriage.
Epic rage, check. Lack of empathy, fragile self image, gas lighting, won't go to counseling, etc. Check.
I'm with you on the diagnosis, esp. family of origin, and the remedies (setting boundaries and pattern changing.)
A Herculean task, yes I can see that, lol. Thank you so much for this article.
But grey rock hit me as an unexpected turn toward being passive aggressive.
I'm going to try prayer and more love instead.
Love is patient, love is kind, love does not count old offenses. That kind of love.
I'm off to help save my marriage. Wish me luck!
I think your advice is well founded. I lived with a narcissistic wife. Problem is, it sounds like you have never been an enabler. To compound my problem, my mother was a narcissist. My wife passed her affliction on to my daughter. My cousin Peter was the male version. He was the only one whom I put down. I wrote a book about it, somewhat therapeutic. Please feel bad for me about losing my daughter. We haven't spoken in ten years and I'm suicidal about it.
Hi John. First, let me assure you that I enabled penny. I wasn’t a therapist during that early marriage.
I understand that it can feel overwhelming to deal with close relatives with personality disorders. I’ve been there and done that too.
But I can’t ignore that you mentioned you feel suicidal. if these feelings are intrusive, please take these feelings seriously enough to seek help at a local emergency room.
Otherwise, John, I encourage you to seek out a trusted friend, or a therapist if need be, to discuss your family concerns. Please take care of yourself, John, and Best of luck.
I have been living this HELL for over 20 years of a 24 year marriage. She is like a Jekyll/Hyde personality today, and sadly, couple all of this with many years of drug addictions/abuses (opioids and others) I had never known prior and tried dealing to throughout the marriage as they became entrenched later in our marriage and would start back up over periods of time. I am at my wits end. Our ONLY son (21 yrs old) recently moved out, my small business is suffering greatly, and she has caused so much financial calamities over time I repeatedly try to fix or clean up but no longer can from her behaviors; especially ongoing Facebook and Other social Media groups she has been involved in for some time… Recently some of her Facebook group friends have attacked me in texts and online forums to others as if I am the "bad person" all in her defense…??? Once a supposed beautiful devout Christian woman, today I find she's engaged in tarot cards, astrology, crystals, Hemp/Marijuana research and vaping of D8 products, herb enhancement mixtures, witchery/sorcery products, etc… She's got online accounts everywhere and also various Bitcoin, cashApp, Paypal and other type accounts she has been making/moving monies through for quite some time all unbeknownst to me until recent massive blow up and findings occurred here in our home.
The more I understand my wife’s narcissism and apply grey rock, the less conflict arises, but there always seems to be something new I don’t anticipate, so it is a constantly effort of vigilant anticipation and avoidance to keep the peace. While it gains me peace most of the time, it certainly leaves me wanting more out of our relationship than having an occasionally annoying roommate. Short of divorcing, how do I find fulfillment outside of the relationship without jeapardizing it?
This really isn’t a question for a blog comment. It’s one to be taken up with either a close friend or a trusted therapist. You’ve taken on a massive task and only someone who knows you can help you to navigate it. Best of luck in it.
I’m at the point in my relationship where I don’t know if I am a narcissist/was a narcissist before the relationship or if I am becoming one. My girlfriend keeps calling me a narcaccisst and I don’t deny I have some of the traits.
I can’t make any decisions.
I listen to how her day was but never get to say how mine was.
She gets angry at me for having a bad day.
She is always complaining even if I do what she has asked.
If I do what she asked it’s done the wrong way.
It’s her way or no way.
This is just a small bit of one of our conversations:
ME: You have worked Saturdays when she is there?
HER No I haven’t
HER: I might have helped one Saturday
ME: (Her Name) you have said countless times to me that you work the weekend you dont have the boys now all of a sudden you don’t?
HER: Don’t talk rubbish.
HER: I work late on Friday when I don’t have the boys. I very seldom work a weekend
HER:I think you’re going mad ?
ME: The weekend you don’t have the boys
ME: Rubbish
Am I a narcaccisst? Is she a narcaccisst? I don’t know anymore.
My ex wife suffers from BPD/BPD bipolar disorder/borderl
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