A Sexist Colleague Wants My Help Networking. Can I Say No?

I was recently recruited to another company for a better opportunity. A partner at my former firm offered to meet me near my new job and take me to lunch as a token of gratitude for my work there; he also wanted my headhunter contacts, as he’s looking to make a move himself. While we were eating, I mentioned that most of my new team, including my boss, are women, and that both the dynamic and work-life balance were better than the former firm. He responded with “This may sound sexist, but … ” and continued on to make a disparaging remark about women.

My question: He’s hounding me for my headhunter contacts. I feel I do not owe him anything, but do not want a confrontation. What should I do? — Name Withheld

From the Ethicist:

The way people learn that their sexist attitudes are not only wrong but also unwelcome is by being held accountable for expressing them. You don’t say that the remark was out of character for your former colleague. Particularly if you think it was reflective of his worldview, you’d be helping the cause of gender equality if you told him that his sexist remark made you disinclined to advance his career. Would the cost to you be too great? Given that you’re in the same line of business, you might judge that alienating him is a bad idea — maybe he’d try to damage your reputation as payback for your calling him out.

Unfortunately, there’s no straightforward way to avoid his request without causing offense. Ignoring him might simply prompt him to pester you further, and your aim is apparently to get him out of your life, not to have him buzzing around you like a nettled wasp. You could give him what he wants in order to keep the peace, but that might gnaw at your conscience. Your final option is to provide him your contacts, while letting the headhunters know of your concerns about him. If you do so, you should find a way to let your ex-colleague know, too, that you found his commentary unsettling.

‏Source www.nytimes.com