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The 10-step guide to mastering the art of female pleasure
Hoping to impress a new partner, spice up your sex life, or simply bank some useful tips for the future? Irrespective of your relationship status, if you’re a man and you like having sex with women, then at some point in your life you will no doubt have asked the question, how do you make a girl cum?
Spoiler alert! Before we get started, we need to bust a few myths. While you can technically ‘help’ a woman reach climax, it is not your sole responsibility to make her cum, so don’t feel like you have to head into battle armed with all of the secrets to the sexual universe to hit the jackpot.
Partnered sex is a two-way street and you’re in this together, so you need to work as a unit to both reach a mutually pleasurable destination. With this in mind we've put together a few tips on mastering the art of female pleasure...
According to research the average time it takes a woman to reach orgasm is 13.41 minutes, so in theory 15 minutes is an achievable goal. But if your partner takes longer to climax during sex – or doesn't cum at all – do not be dismayed. Self-esteem, performance anxiety, fatigue and stress are just some of the lifestyle factors that can impact a woman’s ability to orgasm. There's no one size fits all approach to sex tips and every woman is different, so focus on the journey and not the destination. Provided you’re both having fun, you won’t notice the clock anyway.
Some women find sex toys such as clitoral vibrators can help them to climax, while others don't like the idea on principle. Once you've established if she is keen to give gadgets a whirl, go sex toy shopping. There are many different types, so choosing one together could be a fun part of the foreplay. We’ve rounded up our favourites below to give you a head start.
While everyone loves a fumble in the dark, sex doesn’t need to be a guessing game. Give yourself a head start and ask her to tell you, or even better, show you, how she likes to be touched. If you can learn to communicate your desires it will make the entire process much easier, not to mention sexier. Every woman has different turn-ons. Some prefer direct clitoral stimulation, while others might like G-spot play or using a sex toy to climax (we highly recommend this clit stimulator ). The best way to find out what turns your girl on is to talk about it!
Leave any preconceptions about sex you’ve picked up from watching RedTube at the door. While porn might turn YOU on, it is rarely designed with female pleasure in mind. In reality women are complex, nuanced individuals and no two people are the same, so resist the urge to suggest a gang-bang and focus on enjoying the moment.
While there are no hard and fast rules about who goes first, when you’re first getting started it makes sense to focus on your partner’s pleasure first. Women tend to take slightly longer to hit the high notes, whereas chaps can achieve this quicker, so it’s an efficient use of time, plus it’s polite. But if you do get overexcited and blow your load , don’t stress. Simply start again, with her pleasure at the forefront of your mind.
Most women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. If you need a heads up, here's how to find her clit.
What works for one woman might be uncomfortable for another, so while these steps may well help your partner to climax, don't forget to check in with her. Use our tips as a guideline to work with your partner to create a safe and sensual space where arousal (and orgasms) ebb and flow.
Fantasy, anticipation and expectation are all part of the process, so take your time. ‘Foreplay is so important as it gets you in the mood in general and ensures you’re connected, but it also leads to maximum arousal for both parties,’ says Julia Margo, Co-founder at Hot Octopuss .
Start with a kiss! Studies by Lafayette College in the US found that kissing reduces levels of the stress hormone cortisol, quickening the time it takes to turn you both on. As you pay lip service, tilt your head to the right – scientists in Germany found this makes you seem more caring, flooding her system with the ‘connection’ chemical oxytocin, building trust and encouraging her to relax.
After a few minutes of passionate kissing, move your lips down to her neck. William Cane, author of The Art of Kissing , surveyed 50,000 women and 96 per cent picked a peck on the neck as the perfect warm-up, so kiss and nibble her neck for a few minutes. But don’t overdo it, Cane says. ‘Slide off the lips to her neck occasionally so that her neck doesn’t become desensitised.’
Now you need to get co-ordinated. Each time you go in for a kiss, remove an item of her clothing too. Getting naked is important for obvious reasons, but showing enthusiasm at the sight of her body will also boost her self-esteem. A study by the University of Cincinnati revealed that if your girl feels good when she’s naked, she’s more likely to climax. Try complimenting each part of her body as you undress her. Your approval will make her feel good and get you one step closer to the goal.
When she’s down to her underwear, pause for a few seconds. ‘Stroke and caress her through the fabric rather than going for gold,’ says sex therapist Paula Hall. ‘Focus on building anticipation rather than going straight for direct stimulation.’ Feeling like we’re in a rush can actually slow things down and impede a woman’s chances of reaching orgasm , so take your time and tantalise her for a few moments longer.
‘When the vulva is aroused or stimulated it produces a natural lubricant, and the clitoris actually becomes engorged as blood flows to it,’ explains Margo. But if the juices aren’t flowing, don’t stress. Some women take a little longer to get going, so it’s worth keeping a bottle of lube close at hand. Research carried out by the US Association for Chemical Reception Sciences found that the aroma of strawberries alerts the senses, so squeeze a few pumps of strawberry-scented lube onto your fingers before slipping them gently into her knickers for some fruity fun.
Now it’s time to get the party started. ‘Try inserting one finger into her vagina while pressing your thumb against her clitoris,’ says Margo. ‘Rub both finger and thumb firmly but gently in a circular motion. If that feels tricky, try a clitoral vibrator . Hold it against her clitoris with one hand and with the other, gently thrust two fingers in and out of her vagina.’ But remember to keep checking in with her. Some women aren't that keen on penetrative sex toys, and you won't know this unless you ask.
According to sexologists at the Masters & Johnson Institute, cunnilingus is the most reliable route to orgasm for 80 per cent of women, so now that she’s turned on, get down there and lick it good. For best results, ‘run your tongue over the clitoral hood and the sides of the clitoris - taking note of your partner's responses,’ says Margo.
When you start doing something that creates a positive response, keep doing it, at exactly the same speed and pressure, and resist the urge to try anything new. ‘Some women hate too much chopping and changing of techniques,’ says Dr Joni Frater, co-author of Love Her Right: The Married Man's Guide to Lesbian Secrets for Great Sex. ‘It distracts us and takes our arousal back to the starting blocks.’
If things are slow to progress, try being more animated. Make appreciative noises and cup her bum while you suck and lick her clitoris. When you start to feel her pre-orgasmic contractions (often coupled with gasps of pleasure) you’ll know you’re in the right place.
‘Build up the tempo, focusing on the bud of the clitoris until your partner explodes!’ says Margo. ‘Alternatively, you can use a clitoral sex toy,’ she adds. ‘A finger vibe is perfect as you can easily rest your hand on her vulva and let the toy buzz her to orgasm.’
And if she still doesn't climax? That's OK. Cuddle her, stroke her, talk to her and count your lucky stars you got the chance to get naked with her in the first place.
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