number of tweets: 300

----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 8834

Tide Pods are just cleaning up people who should have been stains in the first place.

----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 7275

The first woman to have twins must’ve been really confused

----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 4044

Fifteen year olds on summer vacation are probably the least stressed they will be until they’re retired.

----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 3815

“Remind me to ________” is just another way of saying, “If I forget, it’s your fault too”.

----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 3547

People that scream for help don’t always need it, and the ones that need it badly don’t always even ask for it.

----------------------- TheWeirdWorld - 3449

Teachers expect kids who have a fear of public speaking to publicly speak about their fear of public speaking.

----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 1401

Please read my NY Times piece in which I interview a poorly drawn swastika and several confederate flags about why they hate puppies and empathy.

----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 1194

At this point, how don’t the actually intelligent republicans not just feel embarrassed to even be associated with this moron?

----------------------- behindyourback - 878

I keep trying to lose weight but I'm thinking maybe if I tell the weight I love it and I want it to move in it will finally disappear.

----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 850

Stop saying intelligent republicans don’t exist. That’s giving them all a pass. Most of them know exactly what the fuck they’re doing and they don’t care.

----------------------- Home_Halfway - 833

DETECTIVE: This victim was killed in Maccu Picchu but no one saw the killer

CHIEF: That means...

DET: No it really doesn't

CHIEF: I'm saying it

DET: *sigh*

CHIEF: ...he was Inca-gnito

DET: I sincerely hope he kills you next

----------------------- CornOnTheGoblin - 510

[trying to buy weed] what's your favorite ninja turtle

"uh Leonardo"


----------------------- AdamBroud - 421

Pocahontas: Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest

Me: *Looking at phone* Busy

Pocahontas: Come taste the sun sweet berries of the Earth

Me: *Watching Netflix* Kinda got a lot to do today

----------------------- captainkalvis - 364

That scene in Downsizing where Matt Damon checks to make sure his penis is ok but it turns out it didn't shrink and the rest of the movie is him trying to get out of the bed with his now mammoth sized dong

----------------------- donni - 302

Gum is basically a prank you play on your own mouth

----------------------- Home_Halfway - 263

PRODUCER: Thoughtless sigh


PROD: Negligent gasp

GM: That's dumb

PROD: Incautious murmur

GM: What the fuck

PROD: Careless whisper


----------------------- dave_cactus - 178

Yeah, sex is great and all, but *shoveling popcorn in my face* mrfbrgles

----------------------- PaperWash - 176

me: merry Christmas!

Neil deGrasse Tyson: it might be merry to you, but I’m dead on the inside and filled with nothing but nihilist facts

----------------------- behindyourback - 137


----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 121

Oh great now I have to go over to Instagram and start punching people huh?

----------------------- DanMentos - 109

it’s too late you’ve ruined it

----------------------- Brampersandon_ - 108

GAMESHOW HOST: describe your ideal date

WIFE: a romantic walk on the beach

GAMESHOW HOST: and now lets see what Brandon wrote

ME: *holds up a drawing of us eating a hot dog from opposite ends and meeting in the middle*

----------------------- DanMentos - 97

look at jomny lemonseed over here

----------------------- Brampersandon_ - 81

ME: wow you look nothing like your profile pic

DATE: haha very funny. My profile pic is of my dog

ME: oh

[15 minutes of silence later]

ME: so, like, could i maybe get your dog's number?

----------------------- DanMentos - 74

can’t believe you didn’t make an updog joke smdh

----------------------- Home_Halfway - 67

Do anything you can for those in your life, and make sure those same people prioritize you.

----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 64

What do I have to do to get Stabler back for one episode to marry Benson

----------------------- donni - 63

I never wear ties because there’s always a chance they might be soft, flat snakes in disguise

----------------------- rShowerThoughts - 51

Letting a child become morbidly obese should be considered "child abuse". #Showerthoughts

----------------------- famousquotenet - 50

When the people find they can vote themselves money, that will herald the end of the republic. - Benjamin Franklin

----------------------- famousquotenet - 46

Suicide bombers cannot be deterred. They can only be annihilated - preemptively and unilaterally, if necessary. - Thomas Sowell

----------------------- famousquotenet - 44

No statement should be believed because it is made by an authority. - Robert Heinlein

----------------------- WheelTod - 43

OK. But the only way you could have handled this worse would have been if you’d literally shat yourself yesterday during your Camp David press conference

----------------------- captainkalvis - 42

all of this is true and I hate this hellscape website. Rudy is now the father of my three kids and kissed my wife in front of me I have nothing

----------------------- rShowerThoughts - 42

Military surplus stores make you buy equipment that you already paid for #Showerthoughts

----------------------- famousquotenet - 42

The greatest friend of truth is Time, her greatest enemy is Prejudice, and her constant companion is Humility. - Charles Caleb Colton

----------------------- maisonshouting - 41

If using my Meatwad voice to say “tenderize me daddy” into his ear isn’t dirty talk then what is

----------------------- DanMentos - 39

don’t touch my lemons

----------------------- famousquotenet - 39

At no time has the world been without war. Not in seven or ten or twenty thousand years. - Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

----------------------- famousquotenet - 35

In this age, the mere example of non-conformity, the mere refusal to bend the knee to custom, is itself a service. - John Stuart Mill

----------------------- dave_cactus - 35


----------------------- maisonshouting - 35

wholesome ways to climax other than PIV sex:

- read a handwritten letter from a friend

- take a post-breakfast poop

- picture the boy u like smiling

- let a kitten fall asleep on you

----------------------- _Famouss_Quotes - 35

Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought. -John F. Kennedy

----------------------- OhNoSheTwitnt - 33

Definitely not Cheshire Cat pjs

----------------------- MikeBigby - 33

Me [genious, on the dancefloor]: hey usher, can I borrow five bucks and never pay it back?

Usher [on a CD the DJ is playing, none the wiser]: yeah

----------------------- _Famouss_Quotes - 32

Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. -Steve Jobs

----------------------- _Famouss_Quotes - 31

One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say. -Bryant H. McGill

----------------------- hashtag_stacks - 31

No doubt aliens are coming. There’s a UFO in my most recently used emojis and I know for a god damn fact I never used that shit.

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