50 Shades Of Piss
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50 Shades Of Piss
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RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#366: 50 Shades of Piss
Sensitive readers might be best advised to not read on, unless on an empty stomach.
Regular readers have already met Joe aka “Big Nose”, the most unique Record Store manager in the history of record stores. Still there today, slinging CDs to the masses, Joe is a phenomenon. The only thing he likes more than baseball might be taking a pee with the door wide open . He is a very different person, with a heart of gold and a bladder of steel.
However, sometimes when you gotta pee, you just gotta pee…door or no door.
Joe was living in an apartment in Waterloo with a couple guys. One morning after a long night of partying, Joe awoke to find his path to the washroom blocked by passed-out bodies. When you gotta pee, you gotta pee, so Joe improvised.
He fashioned a piss bag from an old plastic grocery bag he found on the floor. After relieving himself into the bag, he tied it off securely and looked for a way to get rid of it. The only easily accessible option was the window, so out it went, onto the lawn below.
I believe that Joe enjoyed this new method of relieving oneself, because he tells me that he launched more than one piss bag out the window over the course of the next few days. Until the landlord complained.
“I keep finding these grocery bags outside,” said the landlord. “Stop throwing them on the grass!”
But that’s Joe. He seems to get some kind of perverse enjoyment out of relieving himself in the least labor-intensive way. In fact it has been confirmed that me that the stories are true: Joe has indeed shit in the shower. Way back in Record Store Tales Part 41 , I wrote that somebody I knew claimed to shit in the shower. Today, an informant named “Uncle Meat” has since told me that this is true. Joe would either poop directly into his hands and drop the deuce into the toilet; or if it was a smaller shit, he would simply mash it down the drain with his foot. I had long considered these tales to be nothing more than myths. But the stories were so bizarre, I really wanted them to be true. Just so I can say I know a guy who proudly shits in the shower, you know?
Even though Joe is just a lil’ different from the average bear, he’s always been a solid, stand-up trustworthy guy. He is a man of integrity and a serious who-gives-a-shit attitude when it comes to the norms of society. I just don’t want to share an apartment with him, or need to use the shower at his place.
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale #355: "The man's hot piss warmed my freezing cold hands" Once upon a time, in a Record Store not far away, there was a manager named Joe. Some people call him "Big Nose". Some people just call him Joe. Two things about Joe…
RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale #390: The Open Door Piss Strikes Back I will never forget the night we invited a bunch of friends over to play Rock Band. It is unlikely that any of our guests will have difficulty remembering either. For the night of the Rock…
Welcome to the 400th freakin' instalment of Record Store Tales/Getting More Tale! RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale #400: The Open Door Shit Theory The following is my own theory, based on memory and knowledge of the people and circumstances involved. I call it the “Open Door Shit” theory…
You say it’s raining….but it’s pissing down my back so stop reading me ..the Riot Act!
Haha…good story
Blech, the shit story…but BAHAHA to the piss bags!
Seconded Sarca – and thank you Mike for including the warnings, visually in both official languages no less!
No problem Geoff, hope the warnings worked!
That’s a great story and an almost perfect picture to go along with it. The only more perfect picture would have been a screen capture from a certain scene from American Beauty. “So beautiful.”
OOOhh good call. Next time I have a story about piss bags I’ll remember that ;)
I bet Joe is workin’ hard. He’s worth a duece.
Not heard that for years and years!
I dunno man, you change as many diapers as I have in the past 5 years, this sort of thing just…
Joe seems okay to me. I will simply make sure I’m not walking under any windows of his apartment in the morning.
Joe is awesome. I’ve never used his washroom.
When Joe works alone, he has to shit with the door open. It’s the only way for him to see if a customer is coming in. Open Door Shit is his trademark while at work.
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50 shades of pee - a story I had to share
50 shades of pee - a story I had to share
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Comment deleted by user · 9 yr. ago
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Yesterday I got a visit from my brother and his two little boys, the youngest of them is one and the other is two years old. Anyways, the day is running smoothly and everything is bliss. At one point my brother excuses him self to go to the bathroom and of course his boys wants to go with him. So they all wander off and there's about a minute of silence. Suddenly I hear three sounds at the same time: A child crying, a grown man screaming in panic whilst attempting to suppress his own laughter and a little boy laughing like he is having the best time of his life. I rush to the bathroom to see what's going on and I'll tell you what I saw in a minute, but let me first tell you the story again, this time from my brothers point of view.
A father and his two sons are on the way to the bathroom to take care of business. Once in there the father positions one son on each side and tells them to go if they need to. The father himself begins to shake hands with his wife's best friend and lets it rip. The boy on his left side follows suit whilst the boy on the right, the oldest one of the two, is mesmerized by what appears to be a clear blue liquid erupting from the edge of the toilet.
At this point I have to tell you that my toilet has one of these air freshener things installed that makes the water blue when you flush.
The father, being the man he is, is naturally using this blue water contraption as an aiming device, causing his stream of golden pee to turn crystal blue. The boy, curious and with out a care in the world, as most boys that age, decides he wants to examine this magic ball from which blue liquid is pouring. So he sticks his hand into the toilet, into the stream of crystal blue pee and yanks the air freshener out of the toilet bowl causing blue pee cascade round the bathroom. The father, in shock, quickly bows down to grab the magic blue ball from his son not realizing - he is still peeing. Thus as he bows down, he somehow twists to the left, causing a stream of golden pee to perfectly arc onto his youngest son who's still peeing into the toilet from his left side. His youngest son, already covered in blue pee from the first incident, now stands covered in different colors of pee whilst the father rips the magic ball of air freshening from the other son and puts in back into the toilet. Moments later they emerge from the bathroom.
Now we are back to where we left of, this is what I saw. My brother comes out of the bathroom door, pants still round his ankles his hands covered in blue and with a look of pure disbelief on his face. The oldest of his kids, also with blue hands, is laughing like a madman enjoying it to the fullest while the youngest boy is silently crying from within the bathroom, where he sits on the floor, still covered in different colors of his fathers pee. I instantly burst out laughing and my brother soon does the same. I have never in my life seen anything just like that.
Sorry if my English is off I'm not a native speaker, but I just felt I had to share this story.
TL:DR Read the damn story, it's the only thing here!
Your English is a lot better than many native speakers. We're pretty lazy with our language.
yeah true were pretty lazy ourlanguage
I've nannied for kids who are potty trained at one... They are usually close to two. And often times they want to use the big potty at first. My guess is the kids are most likely Irish twins. Or op is a little off on the ages.
And he can reach it? That's one tall one year old!
Im glad I have a girl and don't have to share going to the toilet with her!
Your story is hilarious!
Urine it to win it with this story.
Urea-lize that it's dangerous to make urine jokes, right?
i started chuckling when i got to the aiming part. it then evolved as i went, watching the scene unfold, and the stream of pee kind of doing the same. thank you so much for this story, im going to laugh all the way to work now
shake hands with his wife's best friend and lets it rip
Have never heard this before. I feel enlightened :)
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