5 tips for empowerment from a self-defense coach - The Washington Post

In self-defense classes, I teach skills to help people cope with harassment, abuse and assault.

My students — mostly women, gay men, and bisexual, nonbinary and trans people — are looking to be safer and more confident. But even for those who aren’t worried about personal safety or stopping gender-based violence, the teaching of self-defense offers useful lessons for daily life.

Here are some tips for claiming our power, asking for what we want and setting limits.

I tell my students that to be able to protect and advocate for themselves, they need to believe they are worth defending.

Studies have shown that lower self-esteem is a risk factor for victimization, including in intimate relationships and among peers. So I ask students to list things they value about themselves.

Being a loyal friend or a good listener can be on the list, but I also ask them to include things that aren’t about what they do for others — for instance, flossing, dancing, writing, making do with little, getting to work on time, picking out amazing outfits, making a mean barbecue sauce or putting their keys in a regular place.

Next, I ask them to write the reasons they deserve to be safe and treated respectfully. The answers are varied, but when we discuss them more deeply, it all comes down to the fact that every human deserves safety and respect. This exercise helps my students value themselves, and that self-worth can help them to stand up for themselves when facing harassment, abuse or assault.

Another way to build self-worth is to reduce negative self-talk. Research, much of it on sports performance, shows that negative self-talk damages our minds, hearts, spirits, relationships and bodies (in the form of stress and illness). It limits our dreams and potential. It makes our lives harder than they need to be.

I know from my students how many of us believe we need to be perfect to be safe and lovable. When we aren’t — it’s impossible, no one is — our inner critic lets us know.

We talk to ourselves in ways we’d never talk to anyone else, saying things such as “I’ll never be any good at this” or “Nobody likes me.”

Arguing with an inner critic doesn’t change its ways. But I tell my students that with more awareness of those thoughts, and with practice relating to them differently, they can learn to treat themselves better.

One way to take some of the power out of negative self-talk is simply to name what’s happening: “My inner critic is being mean to me,” or “I’m feeling self-doubt right now.” This can reduce shame and helps avoid spinning off into a familiar rut.

When we undervalue ourselves, we’re not in touch with our intuition, which helps protect us.

Our intuition tells us when something’s wrong. In my classes, students learn how to connect with it, because our unconscious minds, which take in information quickly through all five senses, often know when something or someone is a problem before our thinking brains do.

That “NOT OKAY!” feeling can show up anywhere in our bodies and with a variety of sensations. When my students do an exercise that helps them get in touch with their intuition, some feel chest tightness, a quickened heartbeat or a need to physically back up. Others feel their hands tighten into fists, their palms sweat, their jaws clench or even, literally, the hair on the back of their neck stand up.

Once we know how our bodies talk to us, we need to pay attention when we have that feeling and act on it. This can help us be safer — and trust ourselves more.

To claim our power, we need to keep the focus on ourselves.

I tell my students that when someone’s mistreating you — anything from ignoring you to attacking you — it can be easy to focus on what they might think of you or what they might do if you set a limit. But what do you think of them?

The next time someone’s behavior toward us is problematic, we can flip the script, and answer these questions:

When we need to protect ourselves emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually, it doesn’t matter what the other person intends.

Empowerment self-defense, the kind I teach, is about protecting not only our physical selves, but our entire well-being.

I teach my students that when someone is disrespecting them, the fastest and easiest way to set a boundary is to say what they want. (This also sidesteps the “What should I say?” struggle.)

Depending on the situation and the relationship, what we say may be simple (“Get away from me!” “Please let me talk without interrupting.” “No hugging!”) or more complex (“When you come home and spend your time gaming, I’m lonely and my feelings are hurt. I’d like to set aside 15 minutes a night for us to talk and be together.”).

The other essential element of an effective boundary is a consequence:

If they don’t respect our limits, we need to carry out our consequence.

To do so, we may need support or resources; we may also need to make life changes. But when we have options, we can exercise our freedom and power.

Lauren R. Taylor is co-author of “Get Empowered: A Practical Guide to Thrive, Heal and Embrace Your Confidence in a Sexist World.” Find her at defendyourself.org. Taylor also worked for The Washington Post as a copy editor.

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