18 Teenagers Sex
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18 Teenagers Sex
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Suitable for 9-15 years Sexuality: pre-teens and teenagers
Your child’s sexuality might be different from yours or from your expectations. But if you can accept your child’s sexuality, it’s good for your child’s healthy development – and for your relationship with your child.
It’s normal for you and your child to feel awkward when you’re talking about sex and sexuality. Our article on handling difficult conversations has ideas for managing those uncomfortable moments.
It’s a good idea to make your ground rules clear to your child from very early on – that way, your child will understand your values and expectations about behaviour. For example, a rule might be that your child treats others with respect and always checks on consent before and during sexual activity. But with other, less important issues, you might choose to negotiate with your child and set the boundaries together, so they feel involved and listened to.
Last updated or reviewed 27-04-2021
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Sexuality is a part of who your child is and who they’ll become. Sexuality develops and changes throughout your child’s life. Feeling comfortable with their sexuality and sexual identity is essential to your child’s healthy development.
Sexuality isn’t just about sex . It’s also about how your child:
Your child’s beliefs and expectations about sex and sexuality are influenced by their personal experiences, upbringing and cultural background.
You’re your child’s most important role model . You can help your child by modelling and reinforcing values and beliefs about safety, responsibility, honest communication and respect in relationships by treating your partner with respect and talking about how to stay safe.
Most teenagers will experiment with sexual behaviour at some stage – this is a normal, natural and powerful urge in these years. But not all teenage relationships include sex.
Teenagers are also maturing emotionally and socially. They might want romantic intimacy and ways to express love and affection. And they might be curious and want to explore adult behaviour.
Some teenagers are sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex, some are attracted to people of the same sex, and some are bisexual. Some teenagers might express no sexual interest.
Sexual attraction and sexual identity aren’t the same. Young people who are same-sex attracted might or might not identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual. They might identify as heterosexual or pansexual.
Sexual attraction is also different from gender identity , which is a person’s sense of who they are – male, female, both or neither. Gender identity might or might not be reflected in a young person’s sexual orientation and their choices about romantic or sexual partners.
Your child will learn about sexuality at school, talk about it with friends, and get information about it online and through social media. But young people do trust the information they get from their parents.
If you talk about sex and sexuality with your child , it will help them sort through the many messages they get about sexuality from other sources. It can also help your child make positive, safe and informed choices, now and in the future.
These conversations might not feel comfortable at first, but you can make them easier by:
Here are some ideas and strategies to make it easier to talk with your child about sexuality.
Start conversations early There’s no perfect time to start talking about sexuality, but conversations from a young age can help your child understand that sex and sexuality are a normal, healthy part of life. Early conversations can help make later ones easier.
Be prepared Your child might ask you all sorts of questions, so it’s good to check your understanding of puberty , periods , contraception, wet dreams, masturbation and more.
It might also help to think in advance about your values and beliefs so you can be clear and consistent with your child. For example, if your child feels confused about their feelings for someone and asks you about same-sex attraction, responding positively and non-judgmentally is a good first step. So sorting out your own feelings about this issue in advance is a good idea.
Talk about the really important stuff There are some things it’s really important for every young person to understand:
Choose your words carefully It’s important to pitch your language and terminology at a level that’s right for your child.
Read your child’s signals Look out for signs that show that now isn’t the right time for a ‘big talk’, like when your child is busy, tired or distracted. You can always try again later.
Talking about sex and sexuality is just as important for children with additional needs.
Your child needs information that’s relevant to them in a way they can understand. When you’re talking about sexuality with your child with additional needs, consider their:
Autistic teenagers develop sexually in the same way as other teenagers do, but they might need extra help to build the social skills and understanding that go along with sexual development. Our article on sexual development and autistic teenagers explains.
Parents and experts talk about sexuality for autistic young people. You’ll hear why it’s a good idea to talk about sexuality before children start thinking about sex. You’ll also get tips and ideas to help you talk to your autistic child about sexuality and changing relationships in a way your child can understand.
This article was developed in collaboration with the Centre for Adolescent Health , Royal Children’s Hospital, Melbourne.
Afifi, T., Joseph, A., & Aldeis, D. (2008). Why can’t we just talk about it? An observational study of parents’ and adolescents’ conversations about sex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 23 , 689-721. doi: 10.1177/0743558408323841.
Grossman, J.M., Jenkins, L.J., & Richer, A.M. (2018). Parents’ perspectives on family sexuality communication from middle school to high school. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health , 15 (1),107. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph15010107.
Kang, M., & Rosenthal, D. (2014). Adolescents. In M. Temple-Smith (Eds), Sexual health: A multidisciplinary approach (pp. 221-233). Melbourne: IP Communications.
Lim, M.S.C., Agius, P.A., Carrotte, E.R., Vella, A.M., & Hellard, M.E. (2017). Young Australians’ use of pornography and associations with sexual risk behaviours. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Public Health, 41 , 438-443. doi: 10.1111/1753-6405.12678.
Mitchell, A., Patrick, K., Heywood, W., Blackman, P., & Pitts, M. (2014). National survey of Australian secondary students and sexual health 2013 . Melbourne: Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society, La Trobe University. Retrieved 23 March 2021 from http://www.redaware.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/31631-ARCSHS_NSASSSH_FINAL-A-3.pdf.
Ogle, S., Glasier, A., & Riley, S. (2008). Communication between parents and their children about sexual health. Contraception, 77 , 283-288. doi: 10.1016/j.contraception.2007.12.003.
Robinson, K.H., Bansel, P., Denson, N., Ovenden, G., & Davies, C. (2014). Growing up queer: Issues facing young Australians who are gender variant and sexuality diverse . Melbourne: Young and Well Cooperative Research Centre. Retrieved 23 March 2021 from https://www.twenty10.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Robinson-et-al.-2014-Growing-up-Queer.pdf.
Sex education and talking with children about sex: 9-11 years
Talking about sex plays a big role in children’s sex education and sexual development. Find out how to talk with older kids about sex, sexuality and bodies.
Child sexual abuse: talking to teenagers
Talking about child sexual abuse helps teens stay safe and understand what abuse looks like. It’s important to talk about consent, respect and saying no.
Pornography: talking about it with teenagers 12-18 years
Many teenagers have seen pornography, mostly online. You can help guide your teenage child away from the effects of pornography by talking openly about it.
Sexting is using digital technology to send sexual images, video or messages. Help teens make responsible choices by talking about respect and sexting risks.
Social and emotional changes in pre-teens and teenagers
Adolescence is a time of big social changes and emotional changes for your child. Here’s what to expect and how to support your child through the changes.
Staying connected with pre-teens and teenagers
Staying connected with pre-teens and teenagers is about building closeness through everyday activities. Try planning time together and connecting casually.
Raising Children Network is supported by the Australian Government. Member organisations are the Parenting Research Centre and the Murdoch Childrens Research Institute with The Royal Children’s Hospital Centre for Community Child Health.
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Relationship Counsellor and Sex Therapist
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Relationship Counsellor and Sex Therapist
What would you do when your teenage daughter or son asks if they are allowed to have their boyfriend or girlfriend stay the night? Many parents have asked for my opinion over the years, as most find it really difficult to talk to their children about sex.
Attitudes can vary depending on nationality. I grew up in the Netherlands, a country that has a very relaxed attitude. Two-thirds of Dutch parents allow their 16 and 17-year-old children to sleep with their partners in their homes. Dutch parents' stance on teen sex was compared with that of American parents in a survey Sex, Love and Autonomy in the Teen-age Sleepover, conducted in 2003 by Amy Schalet, who was born in the US but grew up in the Netherlands.
The differences between the cultures, and between the parenting styles in each country, are many, but one of the most important is the attitude towards sex.
Dutch parents tend to downplay the dangerous and difficult sides of teenage sexuality; they normalise it. They believe in a process of becoming physically and emotionally ready for sex and that young people can self-regulate, if they are encouraged to pace themselves and prepare adequately.
Being aware that your child is sexually active is very different from feeling comfortable knowing that he or she is having sex in the next room.
Unlike American parents, who are often sceptical about teenagers' capacities to fall in love, Dutch parents assume that teenagers can. They permit sleepovers, even if that requires an adjustment period to overcome their feelings of discomfort, because they feel obliged to stay connected and accepting as sex becomes part of their children's lives.
Teenagers in the Netherlands tend to wait longer before having sex, have fewer partners and use easily-acquired birth control consistently and correctly, resulting in much lower rates of teen pregnancy and abortions.
The main reason for this is that the country has a liberal attitude towards sex, and teen sex education is based on an assumption that young people are curious about sexuality and have a right to accurate and comprehensive information, unlike in Australia, sex education is compulsory. Educational materials at schools are characterised by clear, direct and age-appropriate language and attractive designs. The leading message is: If you are going to have sex, do it safely.
The Dutch philosophy is a simple one. Young people have the right to adequate sex education so that they can make well-informed choices in sexuality and relationships.
In Australia, unfortunately, school sex education is lagging very much behind. In 2012 the former Labor minister for education Peter Garrett included the subjects of "sexual and gender identity" and "managing intimate relationships" in the new curriculum. But the Australian Curriculum, Assessment and Reporting Authority had to delay its plans to upgrade sex education after religious and conservative groups raised concerns. They believed talking about puberty and sex was "best done by family".
It would be great if parents could sit down with their children and discuss sex-related issues. But most parents are ill-equipped to do that; they feel uncomfortable and embarrassed and they don't really have the knowledge, either. Things have changed a lot since they were young.
Children and teenagers should get age-appropriate information as part of their school curriculum. As a parent it is advisable to have back-up information ready to give them and to educate yourself. Think of sex education as an ongoing project -- if children know they can talk to parents about issues that are important to them, they will.
An excellent DVD called The Talk is available for parents and their teenage children, presented by Melbourne comedian Nelly Thomas. It features talks about sex and relationships in a frank, informed and non-threatening way.
Another great source is the book Loveability written in 2014 by Nina Funnell and Dannielle Miller, an empowering advice book for teenage girls, which treats them as responsible, intelligent human beings. It's also a must-read for teenage boys and has a chapter with useful websites, organisations and books.
Let's get back to the sleepover dilemma: Being aware that your child is sexually active is very different from feeling comfortable knowing that he or she is having sex in the next room. But on the other hand, why create a situation where your children are forced to hide, sneak around, be dishonest, be uncomfortable, take unnecessary risks and make uninformed decisions about their physical and emotional health?
If you want your teenagers to be safe, don't close your eyes or hope they won't have sex -- they just might!
Relationship Counsellor and Sex Therapist
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When do you know when your kid is old enough to have sex and wants to have someone sleep over at your house?
This question is perplexing many of my friends at the moment, the ones with teens around 15, 16, 17.
As with most parenting dilemmas, I had to figure this one out on my own a few years earlier than my friends because their kids are mostly younger than my eldest. I’m not sure if I got it right or wrong. But I’m happy with my decision and I’m happy to share how I came to making it.
My son had his first serious girlfriend at age 16 and she was a year older than him. It was a lovely relationship and lasted almost a year. The first time he asked if she could stay over, they had already been together a few months. I said sure and then I made her sleep on the couch in another room.
I have no idea what happened after I went to bed but I can guess because I’ve been 16.
Luca rolled his eyes at the fact he even had to go through the motions of separate rooms. He thought it was ridiculous. But I was adamant.
You can follow Luca on Facebook, here .
I thought a lot about it. And eventually I realised I was being silly. I was also being a hypocrite.
Before I did a backflip and allowed her to sleep in his room, I reflected on my beliefs:
I also reminded myself that my son and his girlfriend were both over the legal age of consent. The law says they are old enough to have sex.
Sure, my parents didn't allow sleepovers before I was 18 but that didn't stop me having sex or even slow me down ( you can read about that here ). And just because I had certain rules growing up, being a parent is about making your own.
So that's how I came to allow my son's girlfriend to stay overnight in his room. With the door closed.
Here are some of the things you might be wondering at this point:
Yes, I had younger children in the house. Still do. At that time they were five and eight. But whenever they had sleep overs, their friends slept in the same room so it's not like they were aware of any big difference for their brother. And a 'bad' example? Again, see my beliefs above. Even if they did realise their brother was having sex (they didn't), there are lots of things older people do that young kids know they can't. Like drinking alcohol. Driving a car. Going out at night. Paying taxes.
Mia talks about her reasoning on the latest episode of Mamamia Out Loud:
Excellent question. Yes, my eldest child was a boy. Perhaps I would have felt differently if he were a girl but I don't think so and I don't plan to have different rules for our daughter. Let's see how my husband and I feel about that when the time comes......although based on the risks for girls having sex in parks and at parties and being filmed, it could be argued that it's even more important for them to be able to have their partners stay over.
This worried me for a bit. Was I responsible for upholding rules or boundaries for other people? In the case of my son's girlfriend, she was a full year old than him and I'd met her mother and spoken to her on the phone before when she'd joined us for a few days on holidays. If she'd raised sleeping arrangements with me I would have asked what she was comfortable with and then willingly complied.
But she didn't so I decided it wasn't my business to police what someone else's child was or wasn't allowed to do. My house, my rules. And my rule is that sleepovers in the same room was OK - for my son in this situation. Every parent has to make their own decision based on their own circumstances and their own kid.
In case you think our house is some kind of teenage sex den, let me allevia
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