18 Oral Sex
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18 Oral Sex
By Gigi Engle and Ro White Published: Jul 18, 2022
Want More Tips for Pleasuring Your Partner? Our New Sex Book Is on Sale Now!
We asked real people for tips on oral sex.
Gigi Engle is a writer, certified sexologist, sex coach, and sex educator. Her work regularly appears in many publications including Brides, Marie Claire, Elle Magazine, Teen Vogue, Glamour and Women's Health.
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Try these moves in the bedroom tonight.
Eating out, cunnilingus, clit-licking: whatever you prefer to call it, oral sex on a vulva can be the perfect path to your partner’s big O. In fact, oral sex is widely known as the most reliable way to make a person with a vulva orgasm. A 2017 study published in the journal Sex and Marital Therapy found that only 18% of vulva-owners can orgasm from penetration alone. The rest require clitoral stimulation in order to climax, and oral sex puts the clitoris front and center. Plus, a 2019 study found that couples who give and receive oral sex maintain happier, more sexually active relationships long-term.
The issue? So many people don’t know what the heck they are doing down there. If you’re still doing the alphabet with your tongue and calling it a day, then it’s time to brush upon your oral sex skills.
Luckily, there are plenty of ways to improve your oral sex technique, and communicating with your partner can make a big difference. From incorporating toys, to trying different positions, to using your tongue in unique ways, we have all the expert-approved information you need to up your game. These are the best oral sex tips for the next time you're going down on your partner.
While oral sex is pleasurable for lots of people, not everyone with a vulva wants a partner’s face between their legs. They might not like the sensation of oral sex, or the idea of receiving oral sex might make them anxious. So many cultural messages tell vulva owners that their genitals are “dirty” and that their vulvas have to look a certain way, and those messages can get in your partner’s head.
“Some people are self-conscious about the smell, taste, and appearance of their vulva, and some people are uncomfortable with all the attention being on them,” explains sex educator Erica Smith .
If your partner says oral sex is off the table, then it’s off the table. There are plenty of other ways you can enjoy each other’s bodies. If, however, your partner wants to try receiving oral sex but they’re nervous about having you get up close and personal with their genitals, offer some encouraging words. “Be vocal about appreciation for your partner's body—including their taste,” Smith says.
Instead of diving head-first into someone’s vulva like an Olympic swimmer, opt for a seductive warm up. Start with neck kisses. Then move down to their belly, inner thighs, and all around the vulva. Run your tongue around their nipples. If your partner is on the kinkier side, try some dirty talk , spanking , or role play —whatever gets them in the mood.
The anticipation can really help bring you both into your bodies and feel grounded in this experience you’re sharing together. No matter how casual your cunnilingus encounter may be, the sex you’re having together deserves reverence and respect.
There are lots of sex positions for giving and receiving oral sex, but some are better than others. “Have the receiver lie back on a bed or couch and scoot to the edge a bit—then the giver can be on their knees on the floor,” Smith suggests. Putting a pillow or a rolled up yoga mat under your knees might make this position a little more comfortable. You also throw your partner’s legs over your shoulders for easier access to their clitoris. Some vulva-owners prefer to stand up and lean against a wall while their partner kneels in front of them. And, of course, there’s “queening,” or face-sitting .
“It can also be comfortable and really enjoyable for the receiver to sit on the face of the giver—especially if they can lean forward to support themself with the headboard,” Smith says. This is a great position for the giver, too, since you get to lie back and enjoy your partner’s pleasure with minimal neck-strain.
No matter what position you choose, make sure it’s something you can sustain for a long period of time—a shoulder cramp could bring your cunnilingus to a screeching halt.
Don’t go straight for the clit! Instead, opt for widespread, gentle pressure at first. Kenneth Play , an internationally-recognized sexpert, suggests using “the flat of your tongue first, and move your head instead of your tongue. This creates a larger surface space, which feels better initially to most people.”
Before you start lapping at your partner’s clitoris like it’s a Tootsie Pop, make sure you’re on the right spot .
“The clitoris is actually a much larger structure than what we can find on the outside,” Smith says. The majority of the clitoris is underneath the skin . It’s shaped like a wishbone, and its “legs” run along the sides of the vulva. You might notice that your partner’s vulva swells during sex—that’s because the clitoris is full of erectile tissue that swells in response to arousal.
Most of the time, when we’re talking about “finding the clitoris,” we’re actually referring to the clitoral glans, a tiny, sensitive nub at the top of the vulva where the inner labia meet. If you can’t find your partner’s glans with your eyes, you might be able to find it with your tongue. If you’re still feeling lost, ask your partner to guide you.
Lighter is better when you start giving oral. This area is sensitive—the clitoris has around 8,000 nerve endings !—so you don’t want to go too hard. You can even start off with indirect stimulation and lick around the clitoris in circles. Clitorises and vulvas usually require different degrees of firmness when it comes to touching and licking, so pay attention to your partner’s verbal and physical cues.
“Go in too hard and fast, and you may feel her flinch or yelp, so go easy! When you start lighter, you can build up the pressure as her arousal builds, but if in doubt, always go lighter first,” says Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist.
If your partner likes more targeted, pinpointed pleasure, Play suggests using the tip of the tongue in your oral game. “The tip of the tongue can apply more targeted pressure and movement, especially once a vulva-owner gets more aroused,” he says. “Remember to pay attention to the tactile sensations of your tongue to make sure you’re actually licking the clit and not just all over the place. This is a more common problem than you’d realize.”
One of the main things that stops vulva-owners from having orgasms during oral sex is the fear that they’re “taking too long” or being “selfish.” This means they’re going to need a lot of encouragement from you.
“Let [them] know that you'll be there for as long as it takes, that this is just about [their] pleasure, and there is no pressure to come,” Rowett says.
Showing interest in what brings your partner pleasure is a huge turn-on. Every person's body is different, and people enjoy being stimulated in a variety of ways. Ask your partner what they want you to do to them. If they’re not sure, try touching them in different ways and encourage them to tell you what feels good.
It definitely makes for some sparkling dirty talk . The thing is, you’re not a mind-reader. Ask and then do exactly what they say. Following instructions shows you’re actively listening. If you’re not sure where to start, here are some examples of how to solicit oral sex feedback:
♥ "Do you want me to go harder or softer?”
♥ “Do you like when I do X with my tongue?”
♥ “Would it be OK to put my fingers inside you?”
While you lick your partner’s clitoris, use the palm of your hand to provide pressure on the rest of the vulva (this stimulates the full body of the clitoris) or gently press just above their pubic mound to give them a little G-spot pressure from outside of the body.
If your partner enjoys vaginal stimulation, penetrate their vagina with one or two fingers. Your partner might enjoy thrusting, a “come hither” motion, or consistent pressure against the front of their vaginal wall. You can insert a finger in the backdoor, too—that is, if your partner’s game. Just make to use lube for any internal anal play .
Mouths and fingers are amazing, but they don’t need to be the only tools in your kit. Incorporating vibrators and other sex toys can up the ante on the whole experience. Try running your tongue around the clitoris while you insert a dildo or G-spot vibrator into your partner’s vagina. You can also have your partner wear a butt plug for some added backdoor stimulation. If they’re not into anal penetration but they’re open to other types of booty play, use a vibrator to stimulate the anal opening and perineum while you use your tongue on the clitoris.
If you’ve never used a vibrator on your partner before, ask them to show you how they like to use it first.
Have you heard of the Womanizer or Satisfyer? These clitoral suction toys use a combination of suction and air to circle the clitoris and simulate oral sex. They are wildly popular—which is why it might be a good idea to mimic the sensation with your own mouth.
And if you want to bring in a sucking sex toy while you use your hands or tongue for a little penetration, go for it!
If your partner is pushing their vulva into your face and moaning, you can be pretty sure what you’re doing is working. If they’re pulling away or if they’re silent, try something else. And once again, if you’re not sure if your technique is what your partner’s body needs—ask questions.
“Hopefully, [your partner] will respond by moaning, giving enthusiastic feedback, etc.—but some people are shy and feel shame about making noises,” Smith says. “If you're in doubt, ask!”
Cunnilingus is about your partner’s pleasure first, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself. And if your partner can tell you’re into it, that might make the experience even hotter for them!
“In the same way that it's so much hotter when you can tell that your partner actually enjoys giving a blowjob,” Rowett points out, “when you show that you enjoy it and it is genuine, the technique doesn't matter as much.”
To give you even more tips, here are a few juicy morsels of advice on grade-A cunnilingus from people who love to receive oral sex:
♥ “Do what I call The Zipper technique: Lick from the slit of the vaginal opening up to the clit and then all the way back down. Like you’re zipping up a zipper.” —Jane, 30
♥ “I was once with a guy who, no joke, gnawed on my clit. Like as if he were a human-cheese grater. Never ever do this!” —Gabby, 31
♥ “Don’t forget the vagina! While doing circles on my clit, I love inserting a G-spot wand, too. Then tilt it up to hit the G-spot.” —Shae, 30
♥ “While using a vibrator on the clit, put your forefinger into my anus and the thumb into the vagina. If anal penetration is not your thing, you can just rub around it. It feels f*cking incredible.” —Grace, 26
♥ “When someone is licking my clit the way I like, I usually grab their head and grind my hips into their face for even more pressure. I guess that’s not a tip so much as a sign that I’m really liking what you’re doing down there.” —Brit, 27
♥ “I’ve never liked warming lubes, but popping an ice cube into the vagina before licking the clit is BONKERS.” —Nicki, 37
♥ “Pop a butt plug into her ass before you go down on her. Game-changer.” —Lucy, 29
♥ “Stay consistent. I always have people licking my clit, or labia or whatever and they keep moving around. This doesn’t give me enough time to enjoy anything. If something is working, keep doing it.” —Rosie, 23
Ro White is a Chicago-based writer, sex educator, and Autostraddle’s Sex & Dating Editor.
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Yes, there are other options besides laying on your back.
There’s a common misconception that, when it comes to oral sex positions , there isn’t a ton of variety. It usually involves sitting in a chair and letting your partner take over, or laying down on the bed with your partner positioned between your legs. But there are actually a ton of different positions that change the way oral sex feels for both the giver and the receiver. And you don’t have to change what you’re doing all that much to reap the benefits of this sexy act .
One thing is important about these positions, though. “It’s important to come up with a safe signal before you start having sex,” says Tyomi Morgan-Najieb , a certified sexologist and pleasure coach. “In these positions, the receiver’s mouth with be preoccupied, so they won’t be able to use a safeword if things get too intense.” It could be anything from a wave to a booty tap. Just make sure you’re both aware and on board with the decided signal.
Ahead, Morgan-Najieb walks us through five oral sex positions that will have you and your partner feeling very satisfied.
Listen, there’s a reason that the go-to oral sex position is a go-to. With your partner laying on their back, you can access all of their pleasure spots while also staying comfortable yourself. “You can sit on your partner’s legs if they prefer some light submission, or you can lay on your belly between your partner’s legs and they can wrap their legs around your head if you’re into some light submission,” Morgan-Najieb says. This position also gives you access to the clit, if your partner has a vulva, and the testicles, if your partner has a penis, which are both often-missed erogenous zones that can be teased during sex .
If you’re someone who prefers to be in control while you’re receiving oral sex, then you’ll love this. Your partner who is receiving lays on their back with a few pillows propped under their head. If you have a penis , you can easily thrust into your partner’s mouth. If you have a vagina, straddle your partner’s face and lightly grind into their mouth. Tyomi Morgan-Najieb says this position also opens up the possibility for a little butt play. Just make sure your partner is on board before you go exploring back there.
No — that isn’t a typo. “The 68 is a 69, but only one partner is performing oral,” Morgan-Najieb says. In this case, it’s usually the partner on top. The top aligns their face with the bottom’s genitals and starts to pleasure. Their lower half is over the bottom’s face, giving them a full view. “It also gives the person not receiving the ability to play with the rest of their partner’s body,” says Morgan-Najieb. And if one partner gets tired ? Flip over, and take a break while your partner does the work.
“This position is mostly for when one partner has a penis ,” says Morgan-Najieb. The partner who is receiving the penis lays on their back with their head hanging off of the bed. The partner who is giving stands over their face and thrusts their penis in and out of their mouth. “It’s great for people who want to experience deep-throat, because it elongates your throat,” Morgan-Najieb says. This position can be really intense since the receiving partner’s head is upside down. It’s also incredibly submissive, so it’s important to implement that hand signal. But the benefits outweigh the risks if both parties are on board, according to Morgan-Najieb. “The person on top gets a full view of their partner’s body, and that can be really hot,” she explains.
The logistics to this one are similar to the 68. One partner is on their hands and knees, and the other slides under them like an auto mechanic sliding under a car. The difference, though, is that this position gives you more flexibility than a 68. The partner who is on the floor can position their mouth parallel to their partner’s genitals, as it typical, or they can slide under perpendicularly, which provides a completely different sensation. “It also allows both partners to be in control,” says Morgan-Najieb. The partner on their back can pull their partner’s hips down in the same way the top can thrust down on the bottom. “Just be careful for oil spills,” says Morgan-Najieb. (She means ejaculate .)
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