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Key points
Up to 41 percent of women do not experience orgasm.
The film 'Good Luck, Leo Grande' explores the many reasons why sexual fulfillment is elusive to so many women.
Feeling unworthy of happiness and pleasure, body image issues, and self-judgement are just a few of the themes explored in the film.
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Austin, TX
Brooklyn, NY
Chicago, IL
Denver, CO
Houston, TX
Los Angeles, CA
New York, NY
Portland, OR
San Diego, CA
San Francisco, CA
Seattle, WA
Washington, DC
Mental Health
Addiction
Anxiety
ADHD
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
Chronic Pain
Depression
Eating Disorders
Personality
Passive Aggression
Personality
Shyness
Personal Growth
Goal Setting
Happiness
Positive Psychology
Stopping Smoking
Relationships
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Sex
Family Life
Child Development
Parenting
Talk to Someone
Find a Therapist
Find a Treatment Center
Find a Psychiatrist
Find a Support Group
Find Teletherapy
Trending Topics
Coronavirus Disease 2019
Narcissism
Dementia
Bias
Affective Forecasting
Neuroscience
We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Posted August 29, 2022
|
Reviewed by Davia Sills
If a woman has never experienced an orgasm , does this mean she would be diagnosed with anorgasmia or, as it is now called in the DSM-5 , female orgasmic disorder (FOD)? In the recent film Good Luck to You, Leo Grande , 55-year-old British widow Nancy Stokes, played by Emma Thompson, has never had an orgasm. At the start of the film, Nancy (a retired religious school teacher) has only ever had penetrative sex with one man (her recently deceased husband) in one position. She describes her body as a carcass she’s been dragging around with her for decades.
The inability to orgasm is a common presenting issue brought to a sex therapy practice. It is estimated that up to 41 percent of women worldwide do not experience orgasm, and 50 percent of those who do are dissatisfied with how often they orgasm. A number of factors can contribute to women’s inability to orgasm, including internalized shame about sex, religious conflict, body image issues, previous sexual trauma , fatigue, stress , depression , and shyness about asking for adequate touch. After conducting a sexual history, a therapist would diagnose FOD if the client has not been able to orgasm after a normal sexual excitement phase in all (or almost all) sexual encounters.
A sexual history of Nancy would have revealed that she has never attempted self-pleasure and that her husband never offered to stimulate her manually, orally, or with a sex toy. Given this history, a sex therapist would not have diagnosed Nancy with FOD but rather honed in on the behavioral issues contributing to her unexplored orgasmic potential. A sex therapist might begin by debunking the societal myth that women should be able to orgasm solely through vaginal penetration with a partner. In a study exploring middle-aged women and touch, researchers discovered that women who rarely or never engaged in sexual touching were almost three times less likely to climax than those who always engage in sexual touching.
In the film Good Luck to You, Leo Grande, Nancy does not employ the help of a sex therapist but rather a young sex worker who goes by the name Leo Grande. After the death of her husband, Nancy’s embarrassment about her limited sexual knowledge and experience is outweighed by her desperation to find out what she has missed out on—including the elusive orgasm.
Nancy and Leo’s banter throughout the film ranges from witty and playful to thoughtful and moving—exploring the themes of aging and sex, women’s critical self-image , and feelings of guilt related to pleasure. Nancy, like many women, begins the film believing that the desire for sexual pleasure is irrational, gluttonous, and shameful. She is unable to prioritize her erotic feelings and sexual desires after years of catering to a husband’s needs and shunning her own.
In their first meeting, Nancy reads Leo a list of sexual activities she wants to experience. When Leo begins to initiate touch and tries to remove Nancy’s clothing, she withdraws and repeats negative descriptions of her older body, assuming that it disgusts him. Like Nancy, so many women experience body shame or dysphoria. Body image issues have been shown to cause low sexual desire , difficulty with lubrication and orgasm, and painful or unpleasurable sex. While women of all ages carry body shame due to societal beauty standards and what the media depicts as “beautiful,” post-menopausal women carry unique issues resulting from the natural weight gain that ensues after one stops having a period.
Part of the work of sex therapy is encouraging clients to become embodied and to view their physical bodies with compassion and curiosity, so they are open to experimenting with erotic and sensual touch. An important element of this is an invitation to put aside a goal of having an orgasm—which Leo communicates to Nancy. For a woman like Nancy, learning to be present and in the moment is the most important first step.
The theme of being cut off from one’s body is also explored as it is related to the societal role of women, and mothers in particular, who spend more time in their heads making lists, planning ahead, and chastising themselves that they don’t meet all their goals , including being sexually responsive. When Leo tells Nancy that in order to enjoy their time together, she’ll have to let go of the part of her that watches and judges her from the outside—a phenomenon that sex therapists refer to as “ spectatoring ”—she tells him that that voice is the only thing that keeps her life on track.
For many women, another intrusive voice is the one that pressures women to constantly put the needs of their families above their own. When Nancy’s daughter calls her numerous times, Nancy tells Leo that she always—no matter what—answers her phone. Many mothers who seek out sex therapy report feeling guilty if they are not fully available for their loved ones but then resent their loved ones when they are unable to be in the moment.
No matter how long a woman reports she hasn’t been able to climax, there is hope. Between 80 and 92 percent of women who have never had an orgasm are able to orgasm after sex therapy treatment. Included in this statistic are women like Nancy, who desire sexual fulfillment and are no longer willing to participate in the charade that they are enjoying themselves. Sixty-seven percent of women who have faked an orgasm are no longer willing to do so as they age.
Good Luck to You, Leo Grande is a movie about the mental prerequisites for experiencing sexual fulfillment—feeling entitled to happiness and pleasure, contentment with oneself, and peace with one’s body. In the film, two people learn about themselves and one another through intimacy , being fully present, and honoring and communicating boundaries. The movie ends (spoiler alert!) with Nancy experiencing her first orgasm through self-pleasure. When Nancy stands gazing at her naked body in the mirror at the end of the film, it is clear she has learned to treat herself with compassion rather than judgment, experience mindful embodiment, and how empowering sexual arousal can be—all lessons that are important at any age.
Barbach, L. G. (1974). Group treatment of PREORGASMIC Women. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 1(2), 139–145. https://doi.org/10.1080/00926237408405281
Faith, M. S., & Schare, M. L. (1993). The role of body image in sexually avoidant behavior. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 22(4), 345–356. https://doi.org/10.1007/bf01542123
Galinsky, A. M. (2011). Sexual touching and difficulties with sexual arousal and orgasm among U.S. older adults. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 41(4), 875–890. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-011-9873-7
Grabe, S., Ward, L. M., & Hyde, J. S. (2008). The role of the media in body image concerns among women: A meta-analysis of experimental and correlational studies. Psychological Bulletin, 134(3), 460–476. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.134.3.460
Herbenick, D., Eastman-Mueller, H., Fu, T.-chieh, Dodge, B., Ponander, K., & Sanders, S. A. (2019). Women’s sexual satisfaction, communication, and reasons for (no longer) faking orgasm: Findings from a U.S. probability sample. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48(8), 2461–2472. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01493-0
Pujols, Y., Meston, C. M., & Seal, B. N. (2010). The association between sexual satisfaction and body image in women. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 7(2), 905–916. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2009.01604.x
Rellini AH, Clifton J. Female orgasmic disorder. Adv Psychosom Med. 2011;31:35-56. doi: 10.1159/000328807. Epub 2011 Oct 10. PMID: 22005203.
U.S. National Library of Medicine. (n.d.). Orgasmic dysfunction in women: Medlineplus medical encyclopedia. MedlinePlus. Retrieved August 26, 2022, from https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001953.htm#:~:text=About%2010%25%2… .
Sari Cooper, CST, is a certified sex therapist, the Director of the Center for Love and Sex in NYC, a media expert, and the founder of Sex Esteem®, LLC.
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We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Part of HuffPost News. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
"I'm having an orgasm," came the shout heard around the quad. It was clear. It was unmistakable. It was unavoidably audible. And timed perfectly to cause maximum shock value.
Author, Keynote Speaker, Food Humorist©
Apr 30, 2012, 09:41 AM EDT | Updated Jun 30, 2012
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
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Part of HuffPost News. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
Author, Keynote Speaker, Food Humorist©
"I'm having an orgasm," came the shout heard around the quad.
It was clear. It was unmistakable. It was unavoidably audible.
And timed perfectly to cause maximum shock value.
My teen-aged daughter and I were on our sixth and final college campus tour. By now, the routine had become familiar. After an admissions counselor dutifully presented the college's credentials and outlined the admissions requirements, a hyper-enthusiastic student, as well-practiced in the school story as in walking backwards while telling it, gave us a tour of the campus. If "admissions" was a team, the student tour guides would be its cheerleaders.
This one started innocently enough, passing venerable academic buildings, the majestic library, a state-of-the-art athletic facility. There was something so familiar, but that's because this was my alma mater . Yep, I spent four years on this campus and received my degree from Lehigh University . Indeed, as we passed Maginnes Hall, it brought back vivid memories of HR 41, formally known as Human Sexuality.
It felt good to be back after such a long absence. Now I remember: I had a really good time here. That included a certain amount of debauchery that goes with college. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna drop serious coin for my daughter to experience that.
On the other hand, being out from under her parents' wing will be one of the most enriching growth opportunities of her life, not only to learn, but to meet all types of interesting and different people.
As joyful recollections danced in my head, our group of about 20 sixteen-year-olds and 30 parents was directed by our perky guide to the campus residence halls. As a father, particularly of a daughter, I can only hope that she won't be doing what I did, right here in these same residence halls, when the drinking age was still 18.
In what sounded almost like a public address announcement delivered by a male voice from a room nearby, broadcast to the surrounding vicinity: "I'm having an orgasm."
He wasn't the kind of "interesting and different people" I had in mind.
To say that our group response was muted is an understatement. Although every single one of us heard it, silence prevailed as if trying to pretend it didn't happen. Our tour guide's reaction could best be described as mortified.
Awkward doesn't do the scene justice; this was a conspiracy of awkwardness. Or, as a teenager might say, " ewwww ." Other than walking in on a couple of students actually having sex, what could be more uncomfortable to a co-ed group of teenagers with their parents in tow, just about to enter the dormitory where they might potentially spend the next four years, than to hear someone loudly proclaim their orgasm?
I should have stayed quiet. But the former standup comedian in me instinctively took over, yelling back to the orgasmic shout-out as I would have to a heckler at a nightclub: "You're always too soon." The result was awkward on steroids.
Our tour guide led us inside the "co-ed" dorm, making sure to inform us that the bathrooms were not co-ed. Oh, what a relief.
I couldn't help but notice that she later failed to point out the health center, where I recall that they dispensed birth control as readily as band-aids.
I decided that our next tour will be women's colleges.
Author, Keynote Speaker, Food Humorist©
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