150+ Funny and Witty Answers to the Question "How Are You?"

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Best "How Are You?" Answers

Hello, how are you?

It would be easy to answer that question with a simple “I’m fine, thank you.” Humans are very complex creatures, but we're also creatures of habit who say one thing when we mean another.

"Fine" is a boring conversation-killer. In reality, “How are you?” could be more than just a simple question—it could be an excellent way to start an interesting conversation!

If you’re the kind of person who’s fed up with the old, so-so, half-hearted replies, then this list is for you! Just pick any of these responses to breathe fresh air into your mundane conversations. Who knows, you might just be able to lead a conversation to a new place you never imagined.

What to Say Instead of "Fine"

1. Somewhere between better and best.
2. Better now that you asked.
3. Oh stop it, you. (Say it like you’re receiving a compliment even though you are not. LOL)
4. I love you. (This is a good response to fluster and catch them off-guard.)
5. Much better now that you are here.
6. At minding my own business? Better than most people.
7. I am as happy as a tick on a big, fat dog.
8. Do you really care?
9. Armed and ready!
10. My lawyer says I don’t have to answer that question.
11. What do you want? (Hahaha. This might across as rude, so use with caution.)
12. I’ve been going through some crests and troughs in my life. Is everything stable at your end?
13. Like you, but better.
14. I could really go for a massage.
15. I'd say I'm a [insert number here] out of 10.
16. I was fine until you asked.
17. If I were doing any better, I'd hire you to enjoy it with me.
18. I hear good things, but you should never listen to rumors.
19. Like a pit bull in a butcher shop [or any other outrageous metaphor].
20. As fine as a maiden’s flaxen hair.

Funny Ways to Respond to "How Are You?"

1. Overworked and underpaid.
2. Nothing much. (This one is so trite that it takes a few moments for the humor to sink in.)
3. I don't know, you tell me. How am I right now?
4. Can't complain. Nobody listens anyway.
5. Good enough. (This one will definitely keep them guessing.)
6. If I were any better, I'd be you.
7. Quite how, thank you. (This makes no sense, but it's funny.)
8. Not so well, does that bother you?
9. Nice and dandy like cotton candy. (Dandy rhymes with cotton candy!)
10. I can't complain! It's against the Company Policy.
11. Average. Not terrific, not terrible, just average.
12. If I were any better, I'd be illegal.
13. So far, so good!
14. How dare you! (If you don’t have an immediate reply in mind, just say this automatically. LOL)
15. Better now that I'm talking to you.
16. Well, I haven't had my morning coffee yet and no one has gotten hurt, so I'd say so far, so good.
17. Well... unless the weather has different plans in store.
18. Maybe one day you'll be lucky enough to find out.

What to Say Instead of "Fine" or "Good"

1. I have no way of knowing.
2. Yes. (Woah there, it looks like you weren’t paying attention.)
3. Living a dream. Please don't wake me up.
4. At least there’s plenty of room for improvement!
5. I'm pretty standard right now.
6. Doing well, unless you have intentions of shooting me.
7. Happy and content, thank you.
8. Compared to who?
9. Do I have to answer?
10. Well enough to chat with you if you wish to.
11. Going great. Hope this status quo persists for rest of the day.
12. Physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Socioeconomically? Financially? I'm not sure how to answer that!?!
13. Strange, and getting stranger.
14. Not so good, but I plan on lying at my press conference.
15. If I had a tail, I would wag it.
16. I've heard various opinions: What's yours?
17. How am I. . . what?
18. Thank you for asking, though you can judge for yourself.
19. Why do you ask? Are you a doctor?
20. Word on the street is that I'm really good.

Witty Responses for "How Are You?" Texts

1. I'm better than I was, but not nearly as good as I'm going to be.
2. I think I'm doing OK. How do you think I'm doing?
3. I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
4. I am blessed!
5. Way better than I deserve!
6. Shhh. . . it's too early to tell.
7. I dunno. Is it Friday yet?
8. I don’t feel that great, but my hair looks awesome, right?
9. I have a pulse, so I must be okay.
10. Doing well, unless you have an airborne disease and infect me with some pathogens.
11. I'm doing really well. [Then pause and say] "Of course, that could be my anti-depressant prescription talking."
12. Oh, you know, every day is better than the next.
13. Better than some, not as good as others.
14. My psychiatrist told me not to discuss it with strangers.
15. Medium well. (What are you, a steak?)
16. All right so far, but there's still time for everything to go horribly wrong. (Ah, the forever pessimist.)

Surprising Answers to the Same Old Boring Question

1. I’m trying really hard to avoid ambiguous questions at the moment.
2. Wondering how you are.
3. How do you think I am?
4. I’ll leave that up to your imagination.
5. It's a secret.
6. Do you want the short or long version?
7. I would be lying if I said I’m fine.
8. I’m pretty sure I am not obligated to tell you.
9. I’m ready for a nap. (I’m sure you are.)
10. Surviving, I guess.
11. Not as good as you.
12. Holy sh*t, you can see me?! (This never fails in bringing on the chuckles.)
13. In need of some peace and quiet.
14. Under renovation.
15. Remembering to stay patient.
16. I'm sober! (Congratulations!)
17. On a scale from one to punching someone in the face?
18. Dancing to the rhythm of life.
19. Imagining myself having a fabulous vacation.
20. Horrible, now that I've met you.
21. You do not want to know.
22. [*just stare*]
23. That is a really wonderful question. Ummm...
24. Happy and you know it. [*clap your hands*]
25. Next question, please.

Clever and Unique Responses to "How Are You?"

1. In order to answer the question, I need to take you back about ten years. Do you have a moment?
2. Living a life of denial and suppressed rage.
3. Slowly but surely dying.
4. Fair to partly cloudy.
5. "Hey look over there!" [*punch person in the throat*] (Remember kids, do not try this at home.)
6. Groovy!
7. Well, I've got this rash on my left butt cheek. (Way to make the conversation awkward!)
8. Not bad. Could be better. Could be payday.
9. Better on the inside than I look on the outside.
10. Great, stellar, fantastic... but dead inside.
11. Okay, since my name wasn't in today's obituaries.
12. Oh terrible, but I'm used to it. (I feel you, friend.)
13. What's with all the questions? You a cop?
14. As opposed to what?
15. Sunshine all day long!
16. You go first so we can compare.
17. I'm not sure yet.
18. Living the dream... but half the time it's a nightmare.
19. Not quite there yet. (Where is there?)
20. Dangerously close to fabulous.
21. You're lookin' at it.
22. Real terrible, thanks for asking.
23. I am high-quality.
24. The doctor said I'd live.

Better Answers for "How Are You Doing?"

1. I'm sure you have that information on your screen.
2. How much will you pay me if I tell you?
3. Living the dream!
4. WHY!? WHAT ARE THEY SAYING ABOUT ME? (Hahaha! Way to act suspicious of everything!)
5. I'm busy taking over the world.
6. Dying.
7. Hunting dragons. You?
8. I promised myself I would kill the next person who asked me that question, but I like you so I will let you live.
9. Rolling with the punches.
10. [*speaks gibberish*]
11. Your attempt at social interaction is hereby acknowledged.
12. Not today, Satan!

Flirty Responses to "How Are You?"

1. Incredibly good looking.
2. Everything is fine with you around.
3. I'd be better if you asked me out.
4. Great, but I’m totally biased.
5. How am... in bed? (Wait, what?!)
6. Getting better with every passing minute.
7. What an impertinent question to ask a girl [or guy]!
8. Living a dream. Don't wake me up. You may join me. There's plenty of room.
9. The best I can be. Assuming you're your best, too.
10. I am so great I have to sit on my hands to keep myself from clapping.

Read 100 Flirty Responses to "How Are You?" or "What's Up?" for more ideas.

How to Answer "How Are You?" When You're Not Okay

1. I'm still sucking air.
2. I’m completely prepared for the end of the world.
3. They told me you would ask me that.
4. Better than nothing.
5. Well, I'm still alive.
6. Could be better... [pause]... could be worse.
7. Somewhere between blah and meh.
8. I’ll let you know when I figure it out.
9. Do you want an honest answer or the one you were expecting?
10. Vertical and breathing.
11. Different day, same existence.
12. Trying to get on with life, thanks. What about you?
13. Trying not to burst into tears. I get an “A” for effort, right?
14. Navigating the twists and turns of life. I hope yours is a straight road.
15. Just hug me and leave it at that.

Anon on September 08, 2020:

Awesome - and thanks for all the fish!

Homage to 42 Galaxy book - Jiager

The unknown on August 19, 2020:

No complaints, as good as I can be

Clive Cussler on July 28, 2020:

Just peachy

Olamide on July 15, 2020:

Bless God

sweet like candy on July 12, 2020:

''how r u''

I am very cute and beautiful , , what about u

Lex on July 07, 2020:

“How are you?”

“Well, I haven’t died yet, so I guess that’s good”

selma on June 29, 2020:

sup bro?

you are not a docter to ask me that how do you think i am?

Xiya on June 26, 2020:

Hey how are you ....?

It's too complicated qn to answer,

lazyroster on June 11, 2020:

what to say if someone says (you're ugly )

someone: you are ugly

me: for your information, too bad you can't photoshop your own ugly

Jen on June 10, 2020:

My friend: How are y-

Me: *cuts him off* How are you!

My friend: ...

Hehe this will make them have to think of what to say XD

Kylie Slaughter on June 05, 2020:

How are you?

Much better (pauses)... still very bad though.

PRADIP DAS on May 31, 2020:

I have given my blood to test that . I will let u know as soon as i get the result. And what did u get in your test ??

samyponny on May 27, 2020:

XDDD i love the dying answer!

VEEN on May 22, 2020:

if someone asks what you're doing, then one could say-SOCIAL DISTANCING ...

Tide on April 24, 2020:

Flirty reply for "what are you doing?"

You hopefully (then wink)

Mutebi shafik on April 22, 2020:

picked up something

a g on April 12, 2020:

Am I ever?

Anonymous on April 10, 2020:

Considering that my existence is a continuum, I've been what I am at each point in the implied time period.

Carlo on March 07, 2020:

how are you doing?

Evan Clarke on February 25, 2020:

Here are some of my answers:

Walking, talking, breathing.

What's up?

No worse than before.

prabhash on February 10, 2020:

worst than the last moment but better than next.

David on February 01, 2020:

How are you this morning?

Me: vertical and ventilating

David on February 01, 2020:

How've you been?

Me: Not for shit, but thanks for askin'.

I always say it with a smile and jokingly, it always gets a good laugh.

Bill on January 28, 2020:

finer than frog hair

David on January 01, 2020:

How am I? Happy as a mongrel dog chasing a three-legged cat.

LightSaver13 on December 12, 2019:

I need more. This is so funny!

Kelly K on December 07, 2019:

Fine as frog hair

Simon Wattie on December 07, 2019:

Can we start with an easier question?

Victor on November 19, 2019:

My favourite answer is "I'm bipedal".

Audrey Hunt from Idyllwild Ca. on November 08, 2019:

I had no idea all these choices were available to me. Great answers to an age old question.

Teri on November 02, 2019:

I’ve used several of these over the years but it’s hard to keep up as I am often asked and it gets so draining I just end up going back to fine or on ok or one of those standard conditioned responses. If I know the person asking I’ll say get stuffed but not in those exact words! Now I’m smiling! That’s how am now having read these

david on October 29, 2019:

How are you ?

Will talk about next step after a huge hug.

Sassycats54 on September 28, 2019:

My response to “How are you?”

Great! Just one party after another.

Lori on September 04, 2019:

Mostly disappointed in these answers. My standard is "not bad for a crazy old lady"

Bertha on September 02, 2019:

Someone: How are you today?

Me: Still breathing, so I must be ok.

Jae on August 16, 2019:

If someone asked me "how are u" id respond with "yesterday i was gucci so today im fendi"

aido on July 18, 2019:

still clinging to the wreckage

JBOD on July 02, 2019:

1 foot in the grave, the other on a banana peel!

Anton Lorien on July 01, 2019:

This page was like hitting jackpot, love so many great replies.

These are responses to How are you? my sister and I have come up with so far before seeing this page:

How long you got?

Pick an adjective?

Once upon a time...

Shall I tell you story?

Interested in knowing how you are!

Now look right! (Pointing at them angrily)

Distant (Looking pensive)

Let me get back to you

Take a guess!

How are you?

Shhhhhh, go to sleep. (Said reassuringly)

Violet on June 24, 2019:

Person: How are you?

You: I don’t know, ask my therapist. My mom surely pays him/her enough

Memekkdmsksk on June 23, 2019:

How to answer “how are you so far?”?

Tannerjack on June 18, 2019:

As well as can be expected under the conditions that prevail.

Linda on June 18, 2019:

If I was doing any better, nobody could stand me!

Linda on June 18, 2019:

What do you know that I don't?

vestdm on June 04, 2019:

LOL!

Peg on May 23, 2019:

______but this too shall pass.

(Insert good, bad, happy, sad etc).

Leap on May 19, 2019:

I'm rounding third and headed for home.

briana on April 26, 2019:

if i was a bird i would fly into a ceiling fan if that's what you mean?

RJ on April 16, 2019:

Ok. It would be even better if I could get a picture of you. So I can show Santa what I want for Christmas this year

Aysell on April 10, 2019:

Yes.

Jamie on March 20, 2019:

I’m hanging in there like a hair in a biscuit.

Ben on March 19, 2019:

Ok. It would be even better if I could get a picture of you. So I can show Santa what I want for Christmas this year

Ajpw on March 16, 2019:

Still breathing

random person in the comments on March 14, 2019:

Two steps away from getting hit by a train.

Jonny O on March 08, 2019:

The things that matter to me. Great!

Dan on February 17, 2019:

Pretty fly for a white guy

Serena on February 09, 2019:

Good Question

Very good question

Ok, next question.

Cheyenne on January 27, 2019:

"Never better", leaves them wondering were you serious or just sarcastic.

Vince on January 22, 2019:

14 eggs short of a dozen

Blah on January 21, 2019:

"Awful. But thanks for asking :)"

Jasmine on January 04, 2019:

I am GROOT!!!

Emily on December 05, 2018:

I frequently respond “how are YOU? :)” ...because whoever asked you first has to answer & then completely disregards the fact that they asked you a question LOL. Good go-to when you don’t feel like talking much.

Esha on November 28, 2018:

Alive and kicking

Chaos brigade on November 21, 2018:

Currently in existence.

A person on November 05, 2018:

I need to show my friends this! Lol!

AS on October 01, 2018:

Reasonably Neato!

Halima on September 24, 2018:

Nice question

joe on September 23, 2018:

How about this "if I was any better I would have to be twins and the world not ready for that." or "Fantastic, but I'll get over it"

Nosherwan on September 11, 2018:

This post just made my day, thank you!

Kelly Quick Timmreck on August 06, 2018:

Losing my mind trying to find my soul.

Genevieve on July 07, 2018:

I’m ready to fling myself into the sun. (And then just stare at them)

Newf on July 05, 2018:

Am i retiring today?

I'm busy figuring it out. And i'm (pause) , yup not good. (Smiles big)

GM on May 19, 2018:

Instead of asking someone the trite "How are you" say "Hope you are doing well". That is not a question, but the person asked can respond if they want. Also it is an expression of positive good will towards the person you are speaking to.

Samaira on May 18, 2018:

It was incredibly amazing!

zaniyar on April 11, 2018:

thank you for your cool answer but you know i want some answer that i can tell to my teacher you know what i mean a little more polite but fun

threekeys on January 20, 2018:

Light and fun. I enjoyed it. I may just try a few of these:)

‏Source pairedlife.com