14 Years Old Sex
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Posted June 28, 2017
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Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
My 14-year-old daughter is having sex. She lied to me and I had to confront her to get the truth. I have talked to her about this many times as I am old school and believe you wait until you are married to have sex. She knows how I feel. I do not condone her doing this, yet she went behind my back and swore to me tat she and her boyfriend were not having sex. So now that I know, what should I do? I am hurt and feel disrespected. I have no one to talk to and when I try talking to her she screams at me and tells me that she doesn't want to talk about it and to leave her alone. Please help. I am 57 years old and do not want to raise a baby.
Thank you for reaching out. I understand your exasperation. It must be dreadful to feel helpless and to have no one to talk to. I believe that I can help you with this tricky situation.
I agree with you that 14 is way too young to be having sex for even the most mature young teens. I strongly believe that young adolescents do not have the tools to make important decisions about sex. Additionally, they are unlikely to be able to handle the consequences of such intimate behavior. In my practice, I see many teens who have gotten sexually involved before they were emotionally ready and have then struggled with a variety of difficult feelings they did not anticipate. And many of them were surprised when they realized how emotionally connecting sex is and was. I have also worked with teens who have struggled with pregnancy fears and it is clear that they are not ready to deal with these potentially life-altering issues.
You share that your daughter lied to you about her sexual involvement. This must hurt but I am sure that she was afraid of both disappointing and angering you. Teens are susceptible to peer pressure and, as you know, often make poor decisions. Their struggle to be independent is often associated with engaging in behavior that they feel is synonymous with independence. Sadly, they often make risky decisions as they try to feel grown up and more independent.
Regarding what you should do: I suggest that you take your daughter to her pediatrician and a gynecologist. If she is going to engage in sexual activity, she should be speaking to both of these doctors. They should educate her about sexuality and all that goes along with it. As your daughter's mother, you also have the right to set limits on her behavior. You can set earlier curfews and do your best to know where your daughter is at all times. I know that this is no easy task but you can simply do your best.
I certainly understand that you are not prepared to raise a baby. You must share this with your daughter in a place and at a time when she will listen to you. Perhaps you can have this conversation with a trusted adult present such as a good family friend or even a health care professional. Try to stay calm during this conversation. As I am sure you are well aware, teens shut down when parents become emotional. Staying calm under these circumstances is a lot to ask but it's necessary.
I have another suggestion: Perhaps you might consider getting your daughter on birth control. This will be a painful decision but it might be preferable to all that comes along with a pregnancy. Think about it.
I wish you luck and peace as you consider your options.
Barbara Greenberg, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of adolescents and their well-intentioned but exhausted parents.
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My daughter has become more private lately, and she has some strange ideas like wanting a tattoo and more independence. I'm concerned that she might be hanging out with the wrong crowd. I also know that at least one of her friends is sexually active. That scares me because I want my daughter to wait awhile before she has sex. Is there a way to tell if she's already sexually active?
My 14 year old is having sex. I am not ‘okay’ with this. Her dad is. I have cried, talked and repeated. Screamed threatened and given up, Her dad does not want drama in the house. I am close to divorce. He also gets high everyday/pot. My husband gets high not my daughter but I fear she will soo since she thinks dad is okay with it.
22yearsmarried. Lifeiscrap.
This answer is going to sound crazy. From a young age I already knew about sex but didnt have sex till what teenagers would consider to be later in life. College. in m y eyes since my mom didnt make it taboo for it to be a conversation as well as having the positive influence of I am going to then protect myself. I just decided to wait. No one had to tell me its okay to not give in to peer pressure but I can only imagine is 3 times as hard from when I was in high school because the internet is more relevant. I would tell her simply this. Life is changing about rapidly before you know it you'll be graduation and onto your own life, dont let people who are passing you buy to dictate your future beyond.
I hope this helps you and your daughter, just stay close and stay ready to talk.
I am 23 and I got pregnant at 16 (a mothers worst nightmare) there's nothing you can do, just try to have an open relationship with her, and explain the things that can happen. and just tell her you love her, and you don't want anything to happen to her,
Hey there my name is Samantha Mattis, and right now I'am going to be 20 in two months I remember when I was 14, but now I have a 14 year old sister there is time when she is very hard to handle and deal with because she talks about boys and wants to hang out with friends that's like 1-3 years older then her, I get worried that my sister go bring home a child one day before me. But there was a time I've sat down and talked to her let her know im concern of the things and the way she been acting lately.. I've showed her videos with other girls her age going to jail because they smoking and having sex and getting baby's they can't take care off, not getting good grades in school following bad crowds, I understand all that I use to be that way before Sexual active is normal for girls who are growing up but at her age she should be more about School, and programs and other things then tattoos and sex. Talk to her, let her know you really care, try showing her videos about girls her age who ends up going no where in life. My sister got her act together my sister once came to me crying saying she don't want to be out there with the wrong crowds and end up getting locked up for something stupid I use to talk to kids in a teen out reach program.. I've change a lot of lives. DON'T GIVE UP ON HER
I have two teenage daughters myself and I can definitely relate to your situation. It's so hard to know what is going on with them and what is normal teenage behavior or what is something more. It's a good thing that you are noticing changes in your daughter. That means that you are committed to being in tune with what is going on with her life.
I know that my daughters became a little more private around that time but it's still important to keep the lines of communication open. Talk to her about what's going on in her life and in her friends lives. Make sure that she knows that you are there for her. I would try to not insist on her telling you information. Don't pry, just try to have a conversation Maybe you can start with a problem you are having in your life and see if she can relate. Instead of having her go and hang out at her friends house on a Saturday night see if a group of her friends want to hand out at your house and maybe sit down and chat with them. It's a great way to see what is going on in their lives. Make it more of an invitation. Buy a bunch of snacks and tell them to get a movie on Pay Per View. Sit around with them and hang out and laugh. It's a great way to get on their level and get them to all open up.
I also have a few rules in my house that are non negotiable. I have access to all of their social media accounts and electronic devices. No secrets. The best way to know anything about her life is to ask her. There is really no way to tell if she's had sex unless you take your daughter to a doctor.
It's really tough parenting a teenager especially but it sounds like you're on the right track. Just asking these types of questions shows that your are there for her and doing what you can to ensure a bright future for her.
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https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-teen-doctor/201706/i-am-upset-my-14-year-old-is-sexually-active
https://www.care.com/c/questions/24474/how-do-i-know-if-my-14-year-old-is-having-sex/
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14 Years Old Sex
