14 Old Teen Sex

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Posted June 28, 2017

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Reviewed by Gary Drevitch




My 14-year-old daughter is having sex. She lied to me and I had to confront her to get the truth. I have talked to her about this many times as I am old school and believe you wait until you are married to have sex. She knows how I feel. I do not condone her doing this, yet she went behind my back and swore to me tat she and her boyfriend were not having sex. So now that I know, what should I do? I am hurt and feel disrespected. I have no one to talk to and when I try talking to her she screams at me and tells me that she doesn't want to talk about it and to leave her alone. Please help. I am 57 years old and do not want to raise a baby.
Thank you for reaching out. I understand your exasperation. It must be dreadful to feel helpless and to have no one to talk to. I believe that I can help you with this tricky situation.
I agree with you that 14 is way too young to be having sex for even the most mature young teens. I strongly believe that young adolescents do not have the tools to make important decisions about sex. Additionally, they are unlikely to be able to handle the consequences of such intimate behavior. In my practice, I see many teens who have gotten sexually involved before they were emotionally ready and have then struggled with a variety of difficult feelings they did not anticipate. And many of them were surprised when they realized how emotionally connecting sex is and was. I have also worked with teens who have struggled with pregnancy fears and it is clear that they are not ready to deal with these potentially life-altering issues.
You share that your daughter lied to you about her sexual involvement. This must hurt but I am sure that she was afraid of both disappointing and angering you. Teens are susceptible to peer pressure and, as you know, often make poor decisions. Their struggle to be independent is often associated with engaging in behavior that they feel is synonymous with independence. Sadly, they often make risky decisions as they try to feel grown up and more independent.
Regarding what you should do: I suggest that you take your daughter to her pediatrician and a gynecologist. If she is going to engage in sexual activity, she should be speaking to both of these doctors. They should educate her about sexuality and all that goes along with it. As your daughter's mother, you also have the right to set limits on her behavior. You can set earlier curfews and do your best to know where your daughter is at all times. I know that this is no easy task but you can simply do your best.
I certainly understand that you are not prepared to raise a baby. You must share this with your daughter in a place and at a time when she will listen to you. Perhaps you can have this conversation with a trusted adult present such as a good family friend or even a health care professional. Try to stay calm during this conversation. As I am sure you are well aware, teens shut down when parents become emotional. Staying calm under these circumstances is a lot to ask but it's necessary.
I have another suggestion: Perhaps you might consider getting your daughter on birth control. This will be a painful decision but it might be preferable to all that comes along with a pregnancy. Think about it.
I wish you luck and peace as you consider your options.
Barbara Greenberg, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of adolescents and their well-intentioned but exhausted parents.

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Caught my 14 yr old Daughter having sex in my house
Last night my daughter her friend and her boyfriend were in her sisters bedroom watching a DVD. Her friend left to go home and I had a call from my uncle who needed advice. I was on the phone quite some time and when the conversation ended I went to see if her boyfriend wanted a lift home. I walked into the room to find them having sex in her sisters bed. I threw him out and had an arguement with my daughter. She subsequently ran out of the house. She did come back but I can not help how feel. When I look at her I feel physically sick, her sister and my husband want her gone from the house but Social services have refused to take her in the past even when she has been violent and abusive. I am at the end of my tether with her and this is making me very ill. What can I do ????
you cant kick her out for having sex!!!!!!!!!! what i would do is sit her down and talk about protection from stds etc!
Thats a pretty big shock. I think the first thing to do is take her to the Dr and get her some birth control sorted - she isn't going to stop. Do you think she is mature enough to have safe sex? A few graphic pictures of some STDs may bring the point home. I am sure you will get a load of responses saying you should report the boy to the police, but she was a willing participant, so i think you need to focus on making sure she does respect her body and her future. SS provide targeted advice services, which will come and work with the family - mediation etc. I would give them a call and see how they can help.
Personally I feel wanting her gone from the house based on her having sex in her sisters bed is a little harsh... I don't know if other stuff has gone on, im going on based on this post. She is 14 & had sex. If it were me I wouldn't be flying off the handle, I just think that gets their back up ( I talk from my own experience of myself)... I would sit her down & explain why you were concerned she was having sex, all of the risks of the stds, pregnancy, asking her why does she feel she needs to have sex at this age, maybe she is under peer pressure, perhaps she feels bad about herself so she is having sex to make herself feel loved and wanted, believe me this happens, sometimes young girls think that that is love, it's hard to understand at this age. I think a talk is needed more than a confrontation, understanding why she is behaving this way will help you both a lot in my opinion. Please do not throw her out though, this will only ignite any insecurities she does have or any feelings of being unloved. xx
you cant kick her out for having sex!!!!!!!!!! what i would do is sit her down and talk about protection from stds etc!
 You would not acheive anything positive if u throw her out. Sit her down and remind her of the importance of contraception. At the end of the day, you did allow her boyfriend in the house and left them alone, what did u think theyd get up to?! If they wernt doing it in your house, would you prefer her doing it in a bus shelter or something? You might not like it but ur dd is growing up and even if u disagree and disapprove of her actions, she will probably carry on regardless.
Last night my daughter her friend and her boyfriend were in her sisters bedroom watching a DVD. Her friend left to go home and I had a call from my uncle who needed advice. I was on the phone quite some time and when the conversation ended I went to see if her boyfriend wanted a lift home. I walked into the room to find them having sex in her sisters bed. I threw him out and had an arguement with my daughter. She subsequently ran out of the house. She did come back but I can not help how feel. When I look at her I feel physically sick, her sister and my husband want her gone from the house but Social services have refused to take her in the past even when she has been violent and abusive. I am at the end of my tether with her and this is making me very ill. What can I do ????
 you cant kick her out for having sex although i can understand how shocked you are i would be too , she needs to be educated put on the pill and she needs to be supervised IMO i wouldnt allow a BF in a bedroom at all underage , . why did ss refuse to get involved with her ,sounds like you are having a tough time with her all round , 
It must have been a big shock for you but...she is still your child,and she still needs your support. All too often,teens are physically 'ready' for sex,but not emotionally,so this is where she needs you. When you have calmed down,you two really need to sit and talk. Ans as others have said,take her to a FP clinic and organise contraception and health advice. Good luck xxxx
Hi i think its a shame that you feel you cant sort things out with your daughter. Is there no way you can try to make your relationship better? I guess if you have had problems bonding then she probably feels very insecure at the moment so has seeked love elsewhere in her boyfriend . She may feel that to keep his love that if she sleeps with him it will strengthen their bond and she may keep his love for a little longer. Human nature is to feel loved wanted and protected so i guess this is what she is craving if within the family environment she has caused friction then she probably feels a bit of an outsider. Could family mediation maybe bring things back together.
Oh Hazel I really feel for you hunni:sadhug.I know it's really raw right now and everyone's obvously really angry but throwing her out is not going to help the situation at all.She's only 14 so still very much a child and that shows in her actions to have sex in your house whilst your down stairs shows someone that's very emotionally young. First things first I think you and your daughter need to sit down and have a proper talk together,preferably with no one else in the house.You need to find out if they used contraception if you don't allready know.Make sure also that it was consentual.Ask your daughter about how she feels about the boyfriend and how he feels about her.Tell her that you want her to be able to talk to you about anything,that your there for her and that just because she's older now that you still care about her and worry about her. With the other problems you've been having with your daughter have you all had any support?Has she been refered to see someone to find out why she's being violent and abusive? I know teenagers are hard work generally and that they're hormones and changes in the body and brain can attribute alot to the problems surrounding them but when things get this bad there really should be an investigation into why she's behaving like this! It could be a cry for help.I know that may sound strange but belive me young people have done some very extreme things in the past and unfortunatly probably will still in the future to be noticed to receive help with whatever's bothering them. If you have'nt received any support I would suggest that you make an appointment with your GP a.s.a.p and go and speak to the gp alone as they can make a refferal to CAMHS these people really know they're stuff and can be a great support to your daughter and the rest of the family.They could be the bridge between you all so it once again becomes a family instead of your daughter on one side and the rest of you on the other and you all desperatly trying to reach one another but remaining out of one anothers grasp. HTHxx
Hi All thanks for your posts, I should have said, this is the latest in a long line of problems we have hadwith her. It was a compromise for her to have her boyfriend and friends in the house. We have sat down and had the sex discussion, we have attemted to get help from agencies to address her behaviour. She has been arrested for violence recently, she has disregarded everything we have tried to helher with and now this. My husband and her sister are the ones that donot want her here because of how she is all the time and this incident is the las straw. I am caught between a rock and a hard place here I have the welfare of my daughter to consider but also the happiness of my family and right now we are not a happy family. I can talk toher untilI am blue in the face but she has no respect for me, her sister her family or herself.
sorry hunni ment to type Joanne my teenager was talking to me at the time about someone guess what name:)
When you've spoke to her Joanne as she ever given you any reason why?or is it allways :dunno:xx
you cant kick her out for having sex!!!!!!!!!! what i would do is sit her down and talk about protection from stds etc!
 you must understnad what taking her in to care involves !!!!!!!!!!!  if it is such a problem dont have the boyfriend in your home you need to sit with her explaine the problems if she is having sex you need to tell her about protection we have our 14 yr old niece living with us and because of her past she has the implant in maybe thats a option
Hmmm... I did suspect there may have been a catalogue of events going on. I was awful as a teenager, I did all this type of stuff, violent (not overly but very aggressive), arguing with everyone in the home, drinking, smoking weed, running away, staying out all night. I was very angry with everyone, I had no confidence, I really just felt useless. Now that im older i've assessed all of that as it appears due to instances in the past, these had affected me and caused me to feel this way, I wasn't aware of this as a teenager, I didn't know why I felt this way. Has something happened, no matter how small it may seem to you, in her past, say from the age of 3 upwards. Even if you don't want to tell me, please have a think yourself. I say this as everyone was looking at my behaviour and dealing with that, noone went deeper, no one asked how I felt, did I really feel good about myself, how did I feel about my life, was i happy. I hated myself and basically was trying to destroy everything as I didn't feel I deserved it. For whatever reason she sounds as if she's unhappy about somethign, whether it's current or from the past, as i said it could seem so small, she may not even know why she is so down about herself. Have you had any help regarding her mental health, has anyone been out to talk to her? Maybe there are people or organisations around by you who help deal with teenagers. Have you thought of getting her into some voluntary work which she would like to do, so if she'd like to do somethign when she's older, perhaps she could go and help out somewhere, this would have her mix with older, more sensible people. Good luck and hang in there, im 28 now and am a 'normal' person, a far cry from how I was as a teenager xxx
When you've spoke to her Joanne as she ever given you any reason why?or is it allways :dunno:xx
 Its always because I wanted to. I have spent so much time trying with herthat now my other daughter is feeling sidelined. Its causing so many arguments with me and my husband and she seems to just revel in it
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