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Hi. I am getting increasingly worried about my 13 year old daughter. We have had a lot of trauma as a family...my first marriage ended (her Dad), I remarried a man who turned out to be an absolute monster; he is currenlty being investigated by the police for rape against me and our 3 year old daughter. We've moved away, started a new life and I have met a wonderful man, whom the kids all adore. As my ex was in the forces we moved around a lot, which I know was unsettling for the children.
The children started new schools, and seem to be happier there than any school they went to before, and our home life is calm and happy. BUT...my daughter seems to be going off the rails. She is HORRIBLE tome,far beyond the normal teenage stuff. She is becoming violent towards the other kids, and tried to trip my bf down the stairs the other day. She has tipped a bowl of hot curry over my son's head, and hit him round the head with the corner of a heavy box.
Now it transpires that she is allowing boys (plural and at the same time) to touch her, under her clothes...both her boobs and down below. After school she goes to underground car parks and castle ruins etc, and allows these 2 boys to do what they want. What makes it harder for me is that she didn't even tell me, she told my bf...he then wrestled with his conscience for a couple of days before telling me himself. He had told her she had to tell me, but she didn't so he felt he had no choice. So I sat down with her, and asked her if she wanted to talk about anything,and eventually she told me but she sees nothing wrong with it...it's 'just a laugh' in her words.
I didn't sleep last night at all. All kinds of things went through my head...pregnancy, rape, STDs, her reputation. She stupidly believes that these boys won't tell anyone. She'll become known as the school bike/****/*****....and all the other horrible horrible names that go around and her reputation will be in tatters.
I've always had a very open relationship with the kids...we talked about sex etc. I've never made an issue of it, told them about being careful, safe sex etc...to wait until they are old enough and in a relationship. But it seems it's all been wasted.
I'm at my wits end. Do I ask for help at school? Do I contact the boys parents? Do I do nothing?????
Hi Aly,

I'm really sorry I don't have much expereince in this area at all, but didn't want to read and not reply. It sounds, in my very inexoereinced opinion, that your little girl is really hurting inside about something. I know you've written about your ex being investigated for abuse towards you and your younger daughter, is there any chance that there was a buse towards your 13 year old? Perhaps it's her way of reacting to things that have happened, if not to her, then to those she loves, such as you and her sister. I'm not really sure who to contact in this situation, perhaps counselling where she can talk about her feelings? These boys are clearly taking advantage of her though and it would probably be best if it were possible to keep them away from her. I'm sorry I'm not much help, but hopefully someone who knows more than me will be along soon! Lots of hugs x
Yes contact the school - does she have a specific guidance teacher (thats what its called up here anyway) that you can talk to? Also perhaps your GP, could she be reffered for councelling?

Are there any local sexual health for young people schemes in your area? I think they would be very helpful, the staff usually discuss safe sex and the reasons why etc and they are very used to this sort of thing. If you let me know what area you are in I can try and find one near you (pm me if you dont want to post it) I used to do some work for one of these schemes and I think that would be the best place for you to get help for the sexual aspect. 

x
seriously can't cope anymore with my 13 year old
MY 13 YEAR OLD SON JUST LEFT TO LIVE WITH HIS DAD AT THE WEEKEND IM DEVASTATED!
Hi Aly,

I agree with the advice you've been given. It would seem there are issues with your dd that do need to be explored maybe through councelling. Your gp can sort this out for you. I would also contact the school and find out what they can do to help and if they have someone in place to help and guide the children through difficult times.

At the moment your dd thinks there are no consequences to her actions, however I think deep down she knows it isn't right and that's why she has told you. It's a cry for help basically.

I hope you can find the right help hun and things improve for you all.

Deb
xxxxxxx
Hi Aly, how upsetting for the family, tbh i would contact the school, give the boys names, after all it is underage sex, also i would take your dd to the gp and have her referred for councilling, also the gp might want to put her on the pill, i can hear peeps saying it gives a licence to do it more, but better than her getting pregnant as my gp told me.

Since she came and told what she was doing, is it do you think an attention seek thing as you and your 3 yr old is going through this other thing, which i am so sorry to hear about. Kids can do the wierdest things for attention.

How about a rule for after school, straight home or else, you will collect her maybe, or take somint away, the last thing you want to be thinking about after three is what they are doing, it would do my head in to think about it, i really do hope you get this solved, best of luck, liz x
Hi Aly,

I'm really sorry I don't have much expereince in this area at all, but didn't want to read and not reply. It sounds, in my very inexoereinced opinion, that your little girl is really hurting inside about something. I know you've written about your ex being investigated for abuse towards you and your younger daughter, is there any chance that there was a buse towards your 13 year old? Perhaps it's her way of reacting to things that have happened, if not to her, then to those she loves, such as you and her sister. I'm not really sure who to contact in this situation, perhaps counselling where she can talk about her feelings? These boys are clearly taking advantage of her though and it would probably be best if it were possible to keep them away from her. I'm sorry I'm not much help, but hopefully someone who knows more than me will be along soon! Lots of hugs x



that did cross my mind too im afraid.
i was abused as a child, and repressed the memories through my teens and into my 20s, and from the age of 15 i was the school bike, very loose. i too thought nothing of it at the time, tho i cringe now at the things i have done:(.

i would make sure the boys parents know, i would want to know if my boys were doing anything like that, it needs dealing with from that end at least. it sounds as though your daughter is very vulnerable, and tho these boys perhaps dont realise it, they are taking advantage of this vulnerability (ifyswim).

you sound as if you have been through so much. its great you have found a wonderful man now, and i really hope the other aspects of your family life settle down soon.

take care:hug:

bern xx
Hi. I've suggested she has counselling, but she says she won't. I've asked her if anything happened between her step dad and her...she's adamant it didn't. She's been interviewed by the police and they were very good with her, and she still maintains nothing happened.
I can't keep her away from the boys unfortunately. They are in her class at school, and they all walk into town to get the bus home.
Hi. I've suggested she has counselling, but she says she won't. I've asked her if anything happened between her step dad and her...she's adamant it didn't. She's been interviewed by the police and they were very good with her, and she still maintains nothing happened.
I can't keep her away from the boys unfortunately. They are in her class at school, and they all walk into town to get the bus home.



As you say she is adamant that nothing happened between her and her step dad but do you think she could feel responsible for what happened to you and her sister? We all know that she isn't, but youngsters have a funny way of thinking. I had a friend at school who was being abused by her mums boyfriend and I know that I felt completely responsible for her safety and wellbeing.
I was also raped at 14 and it might sound wierd but once I started dating again I was more promiscuous (sp?) than I would have been because I had a skewed way of thinking - I thought that if I gave myself willingly to boys/men then that was good, because at least no-one could ever take it from me again It took me a long time to work out what I was doing and why and I'm not saying that your daughter was raped or that this is what she is doing - just trying to give an insight into the skewed way people can see things.
Keep giving her love and support and keep trying to talk to her. Big for you.

Oh and I have no idea what the school could do but do think you should at least talk to her form tutor so that she is aware of the situation and can keep an eye on her in school.
the first part of what you wrote my mum could of written it.

she split from my dad when i was 6 and then met a horrible horrible person that was an alcoholic that use to beat her up and for years we would have to run away to refugees and friends too scared to go to my dads in case he would take us away from her (hes a police officer) when we did go to my dads his wife made my mum very unwelcome and it was horrible.

when i turned 11 one evening he turned up and beat my mum up i shouted at him as we were in bed and he came up and ripped the hinges off my door and threw it at my brother and me and hit me that was finally she decided enough was enough and found the strength after that night to get rid.

then she met someone lovely who she was with for 12 years and we finally were normal.

when i was 13 i was raped by a boy at a party which was my first after that i went off the rails and had to go and live with my dad as my mum couldnt cope with me i was horrid.

i met someone when i was 15 who i was with for 3 years and sorted myself out.

i didnt want to go to councilling but as soon as i went to my dads i missed my mum terribly and it was awful i still played up alot and skivved off his school all the time taking drugs and hanging around boys all the time.

but my mum could of easily walked away but she kept talking to me and seeing me as much as she could it was my dad that wouldnt let me move back.

im not saying that something has recently happened that has made her be like this but sometimes when everything seems normal is like you dont know how to deal with it and go off the rails.

i thought i was an adult at 13 and knew everything dont they all at that age.

i wouldnt contact the boys parents as it might make it worse for her but maybe good idea to speak to school i know i was sent to see the school councellor not that they were any good but just so they are aware.
16 year old got 14 year old pregnant
I am so sorry you are going through this. I really don't know how I would cope if I heard that from my daughter. The only thing I can suggest is what everyone else has said and that is to make an appointment with the school and if possible I would also pick her up from school every day so I could see what she is doing. I know she won't like it but at the end of the day you are the parent and she is only 13.
Hi again,and thankyou so much for the honest replies so far.

I'm a mass of emotions at the moment. On the one hand I want to tell the boy's parents...having spent another sleepless night I kept thinking 'why the hell should I be the only one who is having to deal with this?'...another part of me wants to go and baseball bat the kids concerned (only joking...really!). But the rational part of me thinks it'd do more harm than good so I probably won't go down that road.

I can't pick her up from school every day; my son goes to the local primary school, and they finish the same time so if I go to pick her up then he's got no one to pick him up or be home when he gets here IYSWIM?

I did get to the end of my tether and drove her 160 miles last weekend to stay with her Dad as I felt I just couldn't cope with her. I have the whole ex thing to deal with, we've fled our own home, I'm surviving on benefits...I had to give a video statement a coupleof weeks ago to the police about what he did to me and our baby girl...he raped me and much much worse raped our daughter, who was then aged 2. I didn't know he did this to her at the time...I fled before I found out as the injunction I had against him was coming to an end and my solicitor wouldn't extend it...but my little girl then told me xmas eve and more has come out since. My ex is seriously mentally disturbed, and I live in daily fear that he will find us, and once the police catch up with him and question him, he won't rest til he 'gets me back'.

She stayed with her Dad for 5 days,and he was totally useless. Didn't talk to her about it, left her alone all day from 7 til 7, didn't leave food for her...so in the end I drove back down and picked her up again. All her promises have come to nothing however...as soon as she went back to school it all started again. Her moods and filthy temper are hard enough to deal with, but now this...

I would approach the social worker who is working with the police about the rape thing, but from past experience once social services become involved it all snowballs and will be out of my hands so I would like to try and deal with this within the family. I should tell her Dad, but he won't want to know. When I told him she started her periods he covered his ears and sang 'lalalalala'...similarly when I told him she had to have a bra.

On top of all this I have been pretty ill...I have had a stomach ulcer for years and now I have started vomiting blood. I know if I can calm down it will subside (I've had this before) but the problem is, if I don't, it can get much worse...even fatal.

I feel like a pressure cooker. So many pressures and worries. I was so calm when she told me, didn't condemn her but tried to explain that she was causing irreperable damage to herself, and could ruin her life. But she's so blase. I wouldn't be quite so concerned (although still very worried) if it was just one boy, a boyfriend. I mean, we all know teenagers experiment and are curious. But allowing 2 boys to grope her at the same time...it makes me feel sick and I'm devastated that she is allowing this to happen...not just allowing it but willingly going with these lads after school knowing what's going to happen.

I think perhaps I will have to take her to the gp...she needs to talk to someone about all of this. Unfortunately she won't talk to me, which in turn makes me feel totally crap! Like I must be a terrible mother. I told her I am glad she can talk to my partner, but inside I feel totally betrayed and so so hurt. My worry is that I will give up on her completely. I love her so much, but just can't reach her and I don't want to resent her but she dominates every waking moment and eventually will destroy the family I am trying to rebuild.
hi there
i have sort of relevent experiance in the fact that i slept with boy at 13- my mum was
absolutely horrified. i was in a good relationship at the time and still firmly believe that i chose what was right for me, even though i was really quite young. having now become a mum, i can understand why she went a bit mad.
it sounds like your daughter has been greatly affected by previous events, and she has lost control a bit (the same thing happend to me after i fell out with my dad, but i became very violent and angry instead). what helped me was 2 years of weekly councilling sessions. the problem with this is that if she does not acknoledge that she is in trouble and wants help then there will be little anyone can do. i had an excellent teacher at school who helped pull me through when i was at my worst- i am still friends with him to this day. talking to the head teacher at school may be a very good idea, but do not make your daughter aware if possible. see if there is a teacher she is especially close to (ie gains support and inspiration from) and see if that teacher would be willing to offer her extra support. possibly try to find a councilling service that is aimed at young people (like brook) and/or see if she would be willing to go to private family councilling- you can usually find family mediators on the internet from reliable charities.
i hope this will help you- if you are desperate try finding councilling for yourself or call samaritans- they are really nice people. good luck x
BIG HUG hun, you are really going through it.

I think an impartial third person could definatly be a benefit to your daughter. As already said, the fact she is telling you what's happening is a sign she's looking for help/attention. Bear with her, let her know you are there and love her. Could your Son go to after school club briefly in order for you to pick your daughter up?


Hi Gemma

I wouldn't be as worried if she was with a boyfriend...obviously I would still be horrified but that's so different to her letting herself be used by all and sundry. Where's her self respect? I myself lost my virginity at 15...I know friends who lost it earlier but my daughter is a very immature 13 year old and I don't think she even realises the consequences of her actions, which concerns me greatly.

Aside from that, and I'll probably get lynched for saying this but I'm just trying to share ALL my worries and fears...I am so scared that she will get pregnant. First and foremost I am worried for her in that respect. Her life will be 'ruined', all her plans gone...all for 'just a laugh'. But also, and very selfishly, I don't want to be left raising another baby. I
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