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I’m unjustly basing this review on only the first 43 pages I’ve read, but I had to abandon this book of recklessly irresponsible marriage advice, a book whose thesis is so asinine that I cannot believe it is coming from an orthodox Rabbi. The thesis seems to be that sexual attraction conquers all and therefore married couples should cultivate a state of tension, suspicion, jealousy, and raging emotion in their relationships. His thesis is that married couples would divorce less often if they could just recapture that initial experience of “falling in love” (in other words, as far as I can tell, if they could live in a continual state of infatuation). But there is a reason infatuation eventually fades in any relationship: people aren’t meant to live in such a state continually. “Raging emotion” makes it rather difficult to study for tests, show up to work on time, and create a safe, reliable environment for the children. But it is not true, in my opinion, that the more mature, quieter love (“the river of intimate love”) to which infatuation gives way “feels like death.” At least, its never felt like death to me. But not to worry about your lifeless marriage, Rabbi Boteach assures you: “By reading this book, you have already begun your rebirth.” If only your husband would pretend to force you to engage in a ménage a tois under threat of abandonment, you could go back to talking for hours over drinks! (No, Rabbi Boteach does not support real adultery, just making your spouse feel psychologically like he or she is commiting adultery. Now I better understand the expression letter of the law.) I began this book because I read and more or less appreciated his book Kosher Sex. But I am now quite puzzled. How can a man who writes in Kosher Sex that a man shouldn’t look at pornography yet think it a good thing that he should carry out on his wife an extensive deception that causes her to sin in thought (if not in deed) because he is bored having sex with her? I’m all for nurturing the spark in marriage and switching things up when necessary to keep that spark alive, but some of the things he is suggesting could cause doubt, resentment, guilt, distrust, fear, and very real pain. But, hey, that tension is all good, because it’s in the service of good sex (and therefore ipso factso good marriage); “unpredictability” as he calls it is all a “blessing…so long as it doesn’t totally destroy the foundation of a marriage.” Totally. Because as long as you only half-wreck your marriage and destroy your sense of trust, it’s all good. After all, you have to half-wreck your marriage to restore the erotic tension you first experienced when you were dating; you have to commit fake adultery to avoid driving your bored spouse to real adultery. Wouldn’t marriage be better, Rabbi Boteach muses, and the world in general a happier place, if wives just “became the living embodiment of a man’s sexual fantasies—a woman with an insatiable appetite who would do anything for sex.” Yes, wouldn’t life be so much better if all men lived inside a porno movie all the time. Make it your one focus in life to create a perpetual state of arousal with your spouse, and if you can’t, your love is “like death.” If people don’t watch out, marriage is going to “finish them off.” I know his goal is to help troubled marriages, but all this melodrama could make someone in a decent marriage feel insufficient. It could feed and exaggerate the self-pity felt by someone who was going through the doldrums of life. “The number one cause of divorce,” he writes, “is falling out of love.” I dont know if this is true, but it seems rather unrealistic to believe you should always and forever feel “in love” in the first place. If you do, when that feeling of “raging emotion” has (somewhat mercifully) calmed, you may think love itself is gone and that therefore you have no reason to sustain the marriage. Yet that is precisely the misassumption Rabbi Boteach cultivates in this book. If your love life isn’t like a Hollywood movie, you don’t have a happy, satisfying sex life or a good marriage. I got on a kick reading this writer for awhile, but I’m pretty sure I’m off it now. After a little over 40 pages, all I can say is...WHAT?
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