What

My grandmother died when I was nine. She was always a very warm, kind woman. She'd spoil me like any grandparent would, taught me a few simple Korean dishes and phrases and always went overboard on Christmas. I loved her.

I didn't cry when she died. It hit me, vaguely. I'd liken it to reading about something on a news website, tragic yet distant. My brother cried and I stood there silently. I felt pain, but no welling sadness or feeling of loss. My mother looked at me with this strange expression, like I was the weird one. That look made me think, do some on the spot introspection. "You should be sad right now, you should be crying. You lost family, that makes people cry."

The tears flowed after that thought. Looking back, there's lots of moments like that throughout my life. I always have trouble really feeling the right things, and will remind myself that I have emotions just like anybody else. I should cry because I'm scared, I should laugh because I'm happy, so on and so forth. With that in mind, I truly do treasure the times I can catch myself feeling something when I haven't told myself what to feel yet. I remember one time Daisy talked about something, her ideal date. I didn't need to remind myself to smile as she talked my ear off.

The things that I think scares me the most is the times when I feel nothing. When I consider suicide, it's never a spiral of emotions. I get anxiety, I get panic attacks, but those never lead to suicidal thoughts. Those are always calm. Sure, maybe the judgements and thoughts are irrational at their core, but there's no panic involved. I should die because I am a burden, I don't need to fear death because my life means nothing to begin with. Those thoughts get to me sometimes because I don't know how to argue against them. I've resorted to distracting myself for the longest time, even recently I've chosen to focus on my past break-ups and heartbreak than think about suicide.

My emotions feel weird, forced even at times. If the day ever comes when I stop reminding myself to feel, that will likely be the day I die.