Untitled.

Hi Idiot,

I know this is totally awkward. It is, it really is. I don't want nervousness and short term memory take away what I have to say. You could say I've thought about it, though not a lot like you but still, enough to write it down so that I can remember this, this time. I'll keep it short.

You know my past. I don't want to explain much about it. I always felt that I'll always be used and thrown away by people and never be loved. I used to think that thinking ahead of time will help me at present. I'm not saying that it didn't help, it helped a lot but I should say, I was being calculative about everything, every decision in my life that I forgot even how to enjoy it, circumstances made me think of life as a game, and I was surviving it well enough to come this far.

Like you, I even thought that Rosemary will respond one day, and that day never came. And I was of the assumption that like her, no one will give a shit for me. I don't know, guess you proved that wrong.

I don't know how easily I connected with you, but after Goa, everything changed. Good that you found it, because I don't know, I'm so rough at expressing my feelings directly, because I didn't want to get fooled again.

Last Friday was one of the best nights that I ever had till date. We had a great time, I was enjoying the moment to the core when, aah things happened.

I know you have gone through a lot, but seeing something like that for the first time, was an instant shock, I felt numb. I didn't know what to say. I still don't fully know what to say about it but God, I was numb. I couldn't stop thinking about, God am I being fooled, again? I don't wanna write about that now since recent nights have got me out of the shock, and I understand your situation, and the things that you went through.

I don't know what all stupid shit I've told you that day, but I remember telling you about next steps. Like I told you before, I was being calculative.

You know what, this thought started hitting me. I've been thinking about it a lot. It's good to think about next steps, but I don't know, I'm losing grip of happiness in life. I know life's been unfair to me, but if I keep on calculating things, I don't know, I'll be a lifeless person. That's why I thought of telling you this Shruti.

I love you. No matter how calculative my conscious mind tries to cover it with logical reasons and shit, my subconscious mind can't control it further. I don't know whether you feel the same way, and I don't know how things are gonna be, but I do know this, and I wanted to make that clear. I can't guarantee of my future, can't give you my word about it, but you are someone who, I don't know, who gives a shit about me, and I'm damn happy about it. I like every moment spent with you, and I love thinking about it. I don't know what you think about this, but I don't know, thought of telling you this because I know I'll mess it up when you're around.

Thank you, for making me loved. I like me better.

Idiot.