Title
My mother is quite feminine women, she's short, has a nice face, but in general nothing extraordinary, just all right. Somehow she attracted my father (who is handsome looking man, taller than her) and made him marry her. Even more, he was so in love with her that he followed an old proverb “build a house, plant a tree, father a son” directly, and was literally building a house for around 2 years and during this time he wasn’t earning almost any money and family was supported entirely by my mother’s parents money (she were saying it’s fine and he should not be worried about it). Afterwards she were telling him sometimes that he couldn't built this house without her parents help, and that he is just a parasite and sucking money from them.
My mother always had a power at my father. She always were saying to us, the kids, that our father is shit, he is pussy, he don’t get enough money, that our neighbor is much more successful than him. She always were super manipulative with him. My father wanted to spend time with us, kids, but at some moment he just gave up, he almost never talked much to us and was spending his time mostly alone. Sometimes he was taking me to fishing, or in the forest to pick up the mushrooms. In a such of activities we were mostly spending time in a complete silence, for hours. When I wanted to talk about something important for me, I usually saw an inner fight inside him for a few seconds and then he was just telling me a short answer with intonation like he don’t want to talk about it and it’s an end of conversation.
However, when I wanted to talk about something important for me with my mother, like my feelings, she just could not understand me at all and was changing a topic to something more physical. Our family dinners were usually quite silent, only from time to time interrupting by sarcastic jokes to my father from my mother, and him, trying desperately say something sarcastic back, or just exploding with anger.
I knew almost nothing about my father’s relatives. I never saw them, he almost never talked about them. All I knew that they are living somewhere in Moscow. In contrast, I knew everybody from relatives of my mother, I was spending with them a lot of time, visiting them with my mother and brother. My father almost never was joining us with such trips. When my mother’s relatives where visiting us, my father almost always was finding an excuse to not seeing them and go somewhere outside of the house.
At the time my mother was carrying a second child (me) and was especially bitchy, my father tried to find an escape in religion. People don't fell into a religion just for fun. They go there when they are completely lost. I think it helped him a little bit, but he still was attached to my mother quite a lot. He was trying to be independent, but she knows that he is weak and how to defeat him. Even god and jesus didn't freed him from being a slave of my mother.
Who are these girls who attract the most handsome guys and then making them their slaves? My father was always talking with passive aggression inside his voice. I was wondering why I felt like my father didn't liked me or was always pissed somehow at me. He wasn't pissed at me, he was pissed at mother, and of constant fucking his mind by her. Women like my mother, they don't do any magic. They just don't have any feelings, at all, they can't love and they don't have any empathy. That means they can play cold blooded with people (especially with men) and they always will win playing with peoples feelings and minds. They are kinda witches, they feeding with your energy but give you nothing back. Some of them could even say that you can have a complete freedom, that you could fuck other girls. They don't care. They don't have any jealousy. The thing, is that they really don't care - while you think they do but they just don't want to admit it. You think that you're playing a game, but in reality they are playing with you. They will be playing on your sense of guilt after you had sex with another woman and went back to her saying that all you need is only her love. They know that every man has some decency and norms. They will make you to break all of them, to feel himself pathetic after it. Thats the moment when they will have a right to tell you and your kids that you’re desperate piece of shit. Once they called you like that, they will be calling you like that for forever. And your kids will start to believe in it.
Do a test: go to a bar with her and at some moment just start flirting with another girl. And then look into the eyes of your girlfriend. If you will see jealousy and fire there - that means she loves you. If you will see nothing, complete indifference, that means you're fucked. She could tell you what a fuck are you doing, but her eyes will be still and quiet.
When I was a teenager, I started believing for real that I'm not the kid of my father, that my mother had an affair and he just was growing not his child and don't even know about it. The reason why this idea came to my mind is that I couldn't believe that I am the son of such a desperate man.
Mother were always calling three of us by funny versions of our names. For example, my full name is Victor, the nice way to say it is “Vitya”, and the way how I was called by my buddies and male friends is Vitek. She were always calling me Vitek. All the adults were calling me, a kid, by name Vitya (nice version, like every kid would expect and like) but not my mother. Same with my brother and father. She knows how to make uncomfortable the closest people to her, how to suppress all of us, the kids and the father, what to say in the right moment to lower your confidence and to make you feel like shit or explode with anger at her. She loves when my father was exploding with anger, she feeds from it. She also knows when she should give him some freedom, just enough to have some free air so he wouldn't die or hang himself out like did my grandfather.
Now I'm realizing that I want to put my mother in the nursing home, leave her forever there and never visit her. I want tell my father that he must divorce her and live the life he always wanted. He is just to weak to do it by himself. I must force him to do it, by being very rude with him, basically order him to do it. For his own good.
My grandmother was even stronger than my mother. She always had a power at her. She had a very loud and powerful voice, and she used it when wanted. They sometimes tried to fight, but my grandmother was quickly reminded my mother that she is more powerful. I remember once, when I was around 10, we were at grandmother’s house, and they were having a fight together. Grandmother was saying (as always) that my father is shit and pussy and she shouldn't have married him (as she warned her a long of time ago), but instead find some man in her village and live close to her. But this time my mother didn’t agreed and tried to defend him. My mother even cried, decided to quickly pack everything and go back to home. I remembered - it was one of the rarest moments when I saw some real emotions on her face and even some love in the eyes. But after a few days it was completely gone and back to normal.
I remember, when we were spending our time with her in the village, her favorite trick was to start doing something in the yard by herself, not saying anything to you, and then when you see her, she were usually saying that she don't need any help and the job is almost done already, don't worry. But in the next time she were blaming us with a brother for why we are so lazy and never help her with anything. She didn't wanted us to spent time with other kids on the street. She were saying that it's better if we will be spending our time doing something productive in the yard, helping her, of just go fishing (alone). Later my mother was doing the same trick with me. When I was a teenager, I wanted to hangout at the evenings with my school friends and try with girls like normal guys were doing. She were always going crazy about it, especially if I didn't went home in time. She were ordering me to come at home not late, around 8-10 pm. At first I was protesting, sometimes looking for an approval and help from my father, but he was always saying that it's best to do what mother telling me, or he would just ignore me and not saying anything. In the same time she were saying sometimes that I should go to have a walk in the forest, not sitting at home all the time (our house was on the edge of the city, surrounded by forest).
My grandmother was so strong that she died sitting on the chair in the hospital reception when she was close to 80. She never liked me, because I never liked her back. Her older son (my uncle), very handsome man, moved to the South of the country, far away from her. He never wanted to call her. He almost never was coming to see her (only once, when my grandfather died with a suicide). He knew what she is. Just a complete evilness. Or did he? Before moving to the South, he found the love of his life. It was quite average women, divorced and with a kid and with health problems. So what happened? They once went to the sea on the South and she told him that she likes here and if he loves her they should move over there. I think that she didn’t wanted to share my uncle with my grandmother, and wanted to move far away. And so what? Now they are live in poverty, their two sons are completely lost and work as security guards and don’t want anything from their lives. The conclusion here is that you should be very careful with divorced women with kids. They will tell you that their ex-husband is a pure evil. He is the worst living being in the world. Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not. The thing is that this woman has lost faith in men, and with that faith she lost love for them as well. That’s the point where women start liking the taste of power over the men.
My grandmother’s second son, which is not that good looking guy, quickly found a very attractive, young and beautiful woman (after he vent back from the army), and married her. Their marriage looks happy. They have money, wealth, two houses and several cars. And two daughters. It’s always feels good to talk with him, he don’t have any passive aggression in his voice and you realize that he is the only man from my relatives who is happy. Is there any conclusion? I think yes. Manipulative women (unlike feminine and beautiful ones) just suck all the energy from theirs men, that’s why these men are so losers – they just don’t have any energy left to do something productive and take care about the family.
Somehow my grandmother knew that I wasn't in her power, and she didn't knew what to do. I wasn't taking her serious at all. Her manipulations didn't worked for me. Once, when I was around 11, spending a summer with my grandmother in her village, I was mowing the grass in the garden for two cows she had. My grandmother and my cousin were collecting it from the ground into the bucket. I remember this moment, I swing a scythe to make another movement to cut down the grass, but scythe stopped. I turned back and saw that I hit my grandmother In the head with a stalk of the scythe (it was made from steel). Then I saw a blood coming from her head, the hit was super close to the temple area. She were standing, holding her head with a hand. There was a lot of blood, also my cousin was with us (I think maybe she got some psychological trauma after this incident). I felt like it was a dream. It wasn’t possible. Please, no. I was thinking that she could die. I could basically kill (by incident) my grandmother when I was 11. We were crying like crazy with my cousin, I was running to neighbors ask them for a help and call for a doctor. Doctor came after some time, and gives her a proper help. All this time my grandmother was conscious, she were just sitting on the couch quietly with bandaged head. The doctor said that it’s a miracle that she lost so much blood but still holding. She got well very fast. She didn't even went to a hospital, she were recovering at home. Nobody from my relatives was directly blaming me for what I did (including grandmother), everybody knew that it was just an accident. After that incident I've got a hidden sense of guilt. I started accidentally hurting myself from time to time when I was close to grandmother in her village (every summer for few months). I think this episode made me feel less confident about myself in my life.
I remember that day, it was 1st of September, I was 8. I went to a school for celebration of the first day after long summer holidays. At some moment my mother received a call, talked about something and then became very upset and I saw tears on her eyes. She said to me that my grandfather died. I didn't know how to react, because I almost didn't know him. He was similar to my father, always silent and pissed at something. I just felt confusion, not sadness. Only when we drove to the village, and I saw all the women crying around the house, I started crying as well. He hang himself in the barn using a metal wire. He woke up early as always (my grandmother were sleeping usually longer), did a usual routine, like feeding the animals and preparing a food for them for the evening. When he finished with a morning routine, he went to the barn and hang himself. I bet he didn't felt any emotions. Only a cold relief that finally his life is done. In the last months of his life, all what he was doing is just lying in his bed all the day, only standing up when there's needs to be done some work in the yard or when my grandmother were ordering him to eat. They had two single separated beds in a small dark room without windows. My grandmother didn't even wanted to sleep with him in the same bed. Now, when I come to parents home with a visit, I notice that my father sleeping sometimes on the couch, and my mother sleeping in the bedroom alone.
My mother never wanted even to hug me. I quite fast realized that I don't need hugs as well. She were always calling me with a funny version of my name, just like my brother and father. I think my older brother didn't even realized it but subconsciously it was hitting him every time she were doing it. I was realizing it. I knew she is doing it for a reason. At first I was pissed off, but then I didn't give a fuck.
My mother started to cry sometimes and hugging me when I grew up and started living in other town. She were doing it for a reason. Her tears and hugs were fake. I could sense it. There is no love in it, just a complete selfishness. She wanted hugs and was crying for herself, to show that I shouldn't leave her, can't I see that I'm hurting her.
I quite soon realized that the best strategy behaving with my mother is not showing any emotions and talk with her as less as possible. Don't react. Because once she sees a blood, she will suck it all.
I think most of the good looking people are actually weaker than average looking ones. Average looking girls wants to take handsome guys. And average looking guys wants to take beautiful girls. That is an instinct and how it works, because everybody wants to have a power over another person. The more ugly and rude a face, the less this person has empathy and love for other people, the more this person is manipulative and powerful. The more face is beautiful, the weaker this person for falling into uncontrollable love. It's not about gender. There is no two separated hierarchies for a men or women. Women can enslave men and men can enslave women. Women can enslave women, just like men can enslave men. It's all about power you have and how strong you are. It's just an animal world, nothing more.
My brother. He is just like my father. He is grown up being weak. At some moment he was fucked by his business partner and he almost went to a jail. Now he is paying almost all his salary to cheated clients who were manipulated by him. He could be manipulated by somebody else very easy. Sometimes I see that he wants to be manipulated, he gives you everything for that, all you need to do is just take something from him. I don't think he had of lot of girls in his life. The ones he had were completely lost and they dumped him when he started being too attached to them. But finally he found a wife. A very fat women, completely unattractive. If you look into her eyes you will see nothing. Just a hate on all the world, about why is she like that. She enslaved him. My brother wants to marry her and have kids, but she don't want having kids from him. She don't even want to have kids from my brother. She didn't take his second name when she married him. Now there are two women who share him, my mother who's calling him every day, and his wife. I was living a bit with them sharing the same apartment. I know how it looks like. She could easily make him scream. Or apologize. Or cook for her (she hates cooking). He is very unstable. He looks like a pussy. He can't hold any emotions.
When I was at school, I knew how to behave with other male kids so they will not be making fun of me. I fought the most asshole kids, even older and bigger than me and proved them that they shouldn't fuck with me. I've got respect from them. The most hottest girls also were noticing me because of that. But I didn't knew how to behave with them. With one of girls I was completely silent in their presence and was feeling uncomfortable. The ones with whom I felt comfortable with - once the distance was becoming too close or topic is too sensitive, I felt that I want to escape.
Once when I was 14, I went to a special clinic/sanatorium (for kids) in the town to stay there a few weeks and fix a bit my back. I noticed one girl there which I liked. Оnce we have been sitting together waiting for a procedure and I asked for her ICQ number (it was before Whatsapp). The next day I was supposed to leave the place and go back to parents city. We started texting quite a lot, after a few weeks I texted her that I love her. I told her that after two years, when I will finish the school and go to study in university, we will meet each other and will start dating. When time has come, I felt an uncontrollable fear to meet her in person. I stopped texting her, unsubscribed her at facebook and just forget about her like she is never existed. She tried to contact me but eventually gave up because I wasn't responding. After few years I checked her profile, and find out that she's already married. Her husband looks very feminine on the pictures. Why did she choose such a pussy man to marry and why that early? I guess she felt very angry at me, she felt dumped by a man, and she decided that she will never open her heart to anybody, she will marry a pussy man and she will enslave him. If not consciously, but unconsciously for sure.
I lost my virginity when I was 18. I paid to a prostitute. She was very beautiful and nice. Surprisingly to me, when we started making sex, all my fear dissapeared. I wanted to fuck her in many positions. I didn't feel anything. It was very animalistic. At the end I was quite liberated, but I quickly forgot about it. I find out that my fear didn't go anywhere. But I realized that it was actually not fear of sex, it was a fear to being close to another person, fear of rejection and that a girl could make a fun of me. After I never had a sex with a prostitute in my life. For a few years I didn't had sex at all, and any close relationships of course.
In the university there was another girl, quite hot one and very beautiful. She liked me, she were shoving me signs of interest. I was acting like I completely don't understand it. She were always drawing hearts in her notebook in front of me, and she were always sitting with me on the lectures. Once, it was a winter, we were alone on the floor, in front of the misted window, and she painted a heart on the window with her finger. I didn't know what to say, I just nervously smiled and started talking with her about homework we have to do. Soon I was kicked out of the university. Once I stopped seeing her, I felt that I want texting her. She were texting me back quite dry, I guess she realized that there's no point of spending time with me anymore and she probably moved on. Someday later, I felt a very strong feeling that I want to share something with her about my life. I wrote some text, that I was always lost with girls, how I am lost my virginity with a prostitute and so on. I sent it to her. She read it and never replied back. I was subscribed on twitter at her and soon saw her post about why some of the guys are so pussies, she wrote that she couldn't understand it and quite dissapointed. I don't know what was it. Did I felt that I want to be rejected on a reason? When I understood what happened, and that she is not going to write me anything back, I felt very weak, it's like she saw my heart and there was nothing and she turned back from it with a contempt. But then, on the next day I started feeling very good. Soon I felt that I am the most happiest person it the world. Because I shared finally something about myself, and doesn't matter how this person reacted. It wasn't for her. It was for me.
I had this feeling that I want to go to Vietnam and South East Asia and live there a bit. For that I got a remote job and one day I finally went there. For some reason I didn't tell anybody from my family that I am going to a trip. I just told that I moved to another city and got a job there. My mother was calling me quite often and every time I was lying to her and telling her bullshit how I am working in the office, which current weather in the city, etc.
I always preferred to use Tinder, I didn't wanted to get closer to a girl I already know from my environment, it could be not safe, there are common friends.
I was right about Vietnam. The girls there are naturally feminine (most of them), and most of them want to fuck you just because you're from Europe. I've got a Vietnamise girlfriend (quite hot one) for two month until I left to another country. I always wanted to spend time with her, go somewhere togehter, but she were always resisting and coming to see me at evenings to my apartment just to have sex with me. I was quite nice with her, but I remember that she always was very silent with me. I wanted that she will share with me her feelings but she never did. She was just smiling and changing the topic. She knew that at some moment I will leave her, so she didn't wanted to open her heart with me, especially since I wasn't going to open mine with her. Once she came to my apartment, and was quite dissapointed and especially silent. I asked what's going on. At first she didn't wanted to tell, but then she said only one thing - "Why all the men are always want to own me"? I didn't understood it at that time. I wasn't thinking that I want to own her. But now I do. All I wanted is to see her heart and then dump her. And I didn't even realized it.
After some time I went to another country and got some new circle of friends. There was one girl, European, who started showing an interest in me (fake one, but at that time I didn't realized it). I wasn't interested in her much, she wasn't attracting for me. She were trying again and again so at some moment I decided why not, seems like an easy sex opportunity. I started responding to her, but find out that she started pushing back. Okay I thought, I just need a bit more time and a bit more efforts. It seemed that there was no any natural attraction between us, she just wanted to play a game with me, and I agreed to play too (I didn't understood it at the time). I've got involved more and more in the game. Sometimes I was winning, sometimes she. She always knew how to make fun of me in the most uncomfortable way for me. She called me always in Italian way (Vittorio). Every time she were doing it, I was feeling that I don't like it, but actually why not, it's quite cool. For most of her jokes I didn't gived a fuck, it looked like it was pissing her off.
Be afraid of unattractive (for you personally) women. You will have a feeling that you didn't like her, but it will look like an easy sex opportunity because she showed her interested (the fake one). They are also in general look quite average (almost always). You will try with her, and you will find out that she is resisting. You will try harder. And harder. You will be more and more involved. You will be start thinking that she must be precious. We want what we can't get, especially if we didn't wanted to have it at the very beginning. At the end they will enslave you. Before meeting a girl, try to ask her about her life. If she had a hard life, or she had been divorced, or she had a long-term relationships before, or she had been assaulted, or she has manipulative parents (but still trying to be very independent from them). If she is playing long term with you, only time to time asking for your attention (like she has all the time in the world), that means you could be fucked. She is not the type of the girl you want to be with. She will enslave you. That the sings. So, if you never want to be fucked in your life by a woman, try only with girls you feel attraction to. Don't fell in a trap of an easy sex opportunity if you're not attracted to a girl. It could be very dangerous. Your sences are always telling you what is good for you and what is not and you should stay the fuck out of there. Also learn body language and study how to distinguish the sings of real attraction and a fake one. Manipulative girls usually don't attracted to you physically, so you will see that they are faking their attraction, that there's something missing. Sometimes you will be feeling that they are fucking with your mind very very cruel. Just a feeling, not understanding.
So this girl were living with with two other girls and one guy (they were working in the same organization). Somehow I was liking this guy, I had a feeling that I could help him. Everytime we were hanging out together (she were always taking this guy with her), I saw that she is makes fun of him. I didn't liked it. The way how this guy was acting was quite feminine and sometimes very strange. Once I saw that he changed his haircut color to red. I asked what happened and girls said that one of them were painting her hair to red and there was some paint leftovers, they proposed to a guy to paint he's hair and he's agreed. Once I was in their house and saw a picture him being in the fringe. Why would anybody go inside a fridge and make a picture of himself? Another time they were at mine house, and when there was a time to leave, this guy gived me his photocamera and asked me for some of my closes because it's quite cold on the street (it wasn't) and he will give me my closes back in the next time. Why would anybody want to leave his thing in somebody's else house without any explanation? Or wear somebody's closes when there's no legitimate reason? I know for sure he is not a gay, he likes girls and he told me so. Was him subconsciously looking for a help from me because he felt like I could help him and free him from this girl?
Once all of us went to a club to dance. I love dancing, when I in the mood I could dance for hours and don't give a fuck about the world around. This girl started to dance, trying to show off her style. I started dancing with her and copying her movements. Soon I realized that she were teaching me all her movements she knows and dancing like crazy with me. We were dancing for 3 hours. I liked it, she too. Once we finished, we started walking back to home, only 2 of us because all people from our company already left. Then I noticed that her mood completely changed. She stopped smiling. I felt passive aggression in her voice. She were trying to sarcasm with me in a very rude ways, using all the information she knows about me (thanks god I usually don't talk much about myself). I didn't mind her jokes I was thinking well, it happens. We are both went back to our homes. I felt very good after that night. I think she didn't, she was probably exhausted. She were completely lost with me while we were dancing. And she didn't liked it. There was one thing however she told me and it made me uncomfortable. She said that usually the most mysterious and silent people (like me), when you get closed to them, you will see nothing there.
In the next days I started thinking about her and that she is usually making too much fun of me. I didn't mind it before, but I had a feeling that I should make a bit fun of her also. Once we went to a bar with our company, and I started making fun of her (nothing rude, just some innocent jokes). I've got a bit angry, but just a little bit. My voice became very heavy. At some moment I started talking with another friend and forgot about her, until I find out that she is leaving with the girls to home. I saw her face, and it looked like she were holding the tears.
On the next day I couldn't understand why I became angry. What is the reason? I started digging deeper and deeper, until I felt the same anger I had. I was cultivating it more and more, and it started appearing to me that this girl was always trying to do very rude things to me. I was thinking more and trying to sense what's going on. I felt like this girl wanted to make me her slave. That she was practicing with me a very dark shit. I hated her. I was super angry. I didn't understand why would anybody want to do something like that with me. I was digging deeper and deeper until I realized that this girl is very similar to my mother. Her look, her face, her voice. Okay, so is this anger actually not about this girl but about my mother? I started digging deeper and deeper. I was recalling all my past, checking it out, finding out what's going wrong. And then I got it. My mother wanted me always being her slave. My anger also started spreading to some of my friends, because I felt also that they quite rude with me sometimes.
On the next day, I've met my friend and in a very cold blooded way told him what I think about him. He was bullying me before (quite rude, using swear words at me) until he got some respect for me. I saw his face at the end I told him everything I wanted. He was confused a lot. I had some relief, but it wasn't a good relief, it was a dark relief and satisfaction.
When somebody makes a joke in your address (or being sarcastic with you), it is a way to say that this person wants to be upper than you and dominating you. Everything happens subconsciously on both sides (people just don’t realizing that they are doing it mostly). If a person who receives a joke accept a submissive position, this person will laugh at this joke and will find it funny. If a person don’t accept it, she/he could feel that it's not funny but will not say anything, or make another joke back, or saying that she’s not liking it. In this case they will be continuing sending jokes or argue to each other until they will find who is more upper in the hierarchy.
So I felt a bit bad, that I treated my frined too much rude, that I could have been less rude with him. I started thinking why am I sometimes doing things like this, at the end I'm not a bad person. Then I've read about symptoms of victim syndrome. It was quite similar to me. At least I noticed one thing. I could be very good at my work, I could make it fast and good. But sometimes I just don't have any energy to do the work. Anything else - sure, but not the work. And then because I delaying with work, my clients are complaining and eventually stop any working relationships with me. Then I feel bad about it, and my money going to end (I don't have any savings) and then I starting being stressed, and only in this situation I start working again, looking for new clients or apologizing in front of recent ones. So basically I can do anything productive only when I'm stressed, not relaxed. That's one of the symptoms of victim syndrome.
Okay, I also read about the term of emotionally unavailable people. It seemed very similar to me. But I wasn't convinced. Am I don't have any empathy at all for other people? No, I still must have some somewhere deep inside me. I was trying to find confirmations from my past, but wasn't finding anything. Instead I was recalling all the examples of the friends I had, they were thinking that I am their best friend, but eventually I dumped all of them, always in a very cold way. I was just losing an interest in them. Of course I always was finding a legitimate reason for that, an explanation, that I'm busy with work, that I will see them later of course. But I never did. Trying to analyze now this behavior, I see now, that once I got really closer to them and they started thinking that I'm their real friend, I was starting pushing them to make something unfair with me (at least what seemed for me) and then, when I will have this legitimate reason, I will enjoy to get rid of them. All of this was happening subconsciously. I wasn't even realizing it. All the people I dumped, and then for some reason wanted to contact them again, they are divided by two categories: the ones who are weak, didn't learnt this rude lesson and agreed to continue our relationship, and the ones who learned the lesson. The seconds ones usually didn't wanted to see me, but if we were met occasionally, I saw a pure coldness in their eyes, some of them weren't smiling at all and some of them were just faking a smile.
Then I recall the words of that girl - "usually the most mysterious and silent people (like me), when you get closer to them, you will see nothing there."
I was always tried to be nice with people. To smile at them. Perhaps I just didn't wanted them to see me real, and I also didn't knew real myself. Now I know. And I felt relief. It wasn't a happy relief. It was a very indifferent relief, without any emotions.
I think recently my mother completely understood me, we understood each other. She realized that she lost any power at me and that I can see right through her. That was the moment that she stopped calling to me. She will probably never call to me. Me neither. I am just exactly like her.
I have a thought. Why there are so many strong women in countries like Russia or Germany? Was it because during the WW2 most of the men leave their women alone, went to a war and then very stupidly died? What was for it? Just a very stupid selfish behavior. And women felt it. They became very strong, their faces became strong. Not because they wanted, but because they needed to raise the kids of their idiots died husbands. And then they were projecting this anger to the children. When children raised with an anger at them, they grow up weak and unconfident but with the same mindset and the same mother's hate. I think it's quite rude but fair, to punish husband children for his actions and stupidity. Nobody doing it consciously, that's just nature, which is punishing the humanity for it's stupid actions.
I heard a stories from my grandmother about her mother. She survived the WW2. She lived until 90. My grandmother was always talking about her with a big respect. She compared herself with her and was saying that her mother is a real strong woman, not like her.
At the end, I actually just realized that I saw my mother a few times being very sad looking at me. It was a special sorry sad look. Sorry look that she can't feel anything for me, that she can't love me. And she is feeling sorry for that.