Jolie Kerr is a cleaning expert and advice columnist. She'll be here every week helping to answer your filthiest questions. Check the Squalor Archive for assistance. Are you still dirty? Okay, well, this is crazy, and I'm still a little shocked right now. I just woke up in the act of wetting the bed for the first (second? time in my adult life. I'm not afraid of cleaning up urine, and I think I even know some things to do: The sheets are already off so it wouldn't soak into the foam mattress, I found some odor spray, and I'm soaking up the liquid as fast/best I can. Here's the twist, though: It's not my bed. I'm at my girlfriend's mother's house ... and said mother is SITTING IN THE DINING ROOM AT 5 A.M.!!!!! Currently, I'm hoping she's awake because she's going out early, in which case I can spring into action (?). But meanwhile, you popped into my head, and I thought I'd ask for advice on the best way to ninja-clean my way out of this while everyone's asleep. Damage so far: two sheets, some underpants I can throw in the trash, and a little urine on my (fast-drying) shirt.
It says a tremendous amount about me that it wasn't until my third reading of this question that I thought to myself, "You know? It's a little weird that a stranger thinks of me first in the face of wetting the bed." I mean, I get it. obviously get it—and I entirely love it—but every once in a while, I catch myself taking a step back and looking at this life I've created for myself and am just like, "Hm. Existential ramblings aside, this is a not-uncommon thing to have happen. Wicked embarrassing, to be sure, but not uncommon. Please take solace in that if it happens to you! In an ideal world, this kind of thing happens when it's just you in the bed. In an ideal world, this doesn't happen at all, but you know what I mean.) If it happens when there's someone else in the bed, though, you gotta 'fess up. Mostly because you have to get the sheets off the bed in order to clean them and prevent the pee from seeping into the mattress, and stripping the sheets is a thing that the other person in the bed will notice is happening.
In this particular case, I would suggest enlisting your girlfriend to help with the awkward mother issue—have her throw the sheets in the wash and tell her mom she got her period unexpectedly. You may owe her one, but for whatever this is worth: If it were me, I would absolutely no doubt rather lie to my mother about a period accident than tell her that my boyfriend wet the bed. If you really, absolutely cannot get to the washing machine, head into the bathroom to do a little hand-washing triage. If there's a tub, that's probably going to be your best bet, since hand-washing a section of bed linens is a bit of an awkward affair. So: Run the pee-pee part of the sheet under cold-to-lukewarm running water to flush out as much as you can. Use a small amount of whatever soap you can access most easily (hand soap, bar soap, liquid laundry detergent if it's around, whatevs) and rub the material against itself to create suds and coax out the piddle. Then rinse thoroughly under running water and wring out as much water as you can.
Next, grab a towel and roll the wet part of the sheet up in it, which will extrude more water. The final step in this stealthy, MacGyver-esque sheet-washing process is to turn a hair dryer on the remaining wet spot until it's dry enough to go back on the bed. But really, don't do that. Just stick with the period lie and launder the sheets in the machine.In this case, the mattress was spared, because our bed-wetter woke up as the wetting was happening. But more often than not, that isn't the case, so I'm including general mattress-cleaning instructions here, because I'm a giver. The biggest thing to remember when treating stains on a mattress is to use as little liquid as possible—if you saturate it, it will take forever to dry. Of course, in the case of wetting the bed, the mattress will already be fairly wet, so the first step should be to soak up as much of the urine as you can using either a towel (that you will later launder, natch) or paper towels. Since urine is a protein stain, you'll want to use something enzymatic on it.
If you have pets in the house, go ahead and use whatever product you've got for cleaning the messes they make off your floors, carpets, furniture, whatever. Something like Nature's Miracle would be just grand. If you don't have that, a laundry pre-treatment spray like Shout or Zout will also work. Give the soiled part of the mattress a light misting, then give it a li'l scrubbing with a towel or sponge, then bear down on the area with a dry towel to absorb as much moisture as you can. You may want to perform a few light applications for maximum effect. Once you feel confident that the mattress is clean, allow it to air-dry before putting the sheets back on. (Turning a standing fan toward the mattress will speed that process up.) If, for whatever reason, there's still a lingering odor once the mattress has dried, sprinkle a liberal amount of baking soda on the affected area and allow it to sit for 30 or so minutes before sweeping or vacuuming it up.There are your "Oh no no no no no, I wet the bed!" instructions.
A word of warning: Don't read this and think to yourself, "I will never need this; I am a grown-up who does not wet the bed!" Because if you do that, you know what's gonna happen? Jolie Kerr is the author of the book My Boyfriend Barfed in My Handbag … And Other Things You Can't Ask Martha (Plume); more of her cleaning-obsessed natterings can be found on Twitter, Kinja, and Tumblr. Adequate Man is Deadspin's new self-improvement blog, dedicated to making you just good enough at everything. Suggestions for future topics are welcome below.Just because you don't sleep directly on mattress pads doesn't mean they don't get dirty. Between dust mites and dead skin, spilled food and drink, bladder leaks (and worse), mattress pads collect some gross stuff. So how do we clean them? The fact is, since mattress pads come in an assortment of materials — cotton, plastic-backed, foam, egg crate, down — there is no universal way to do it. That's why we asked green cleaning expert Leslie Reichert for advice on tackling this chore.
Not only does she know the best way to clean, she keeps it green. "Most manufacturers recommend cleaning cotton mattress pads at least every two or three months, depending on use," says Reichert. "Always follow the instructions on the care label but, as a general rule, machine wash on warm or cool using a mild detergent." Tumble dry on the lowest temperature recommended, using wool or rubber dryer balls or a few tennis balls to keep the pad fluffy. If machine drying is not recommended, then air dry. RELATED: How often you should wash your sheets Always follow the instructions on the care label of the pad. As a rule, vinyl-backed mattress pads can be machine washed in cold or warm water on a gentle cycle, using mild detergent. Never use bleach on these pads, cautions Reichert, as it may damage the backing. Also, to assure an equal distribution of laundry detergent, allow the machine to fill with water, add the detergent, swish to mix, then add the pad. If machine drying is recommended, tumble dry on low heat only.
High heat will damage the vinyl. Toss in a few dryer balls or tennis balls to help the pad dry more evenly. If air drying is recommended, hang the pad outside on a clothesline. If you do not have clothespins to fasten the pad to the clothesline, drape across the line with the vinyl side up. Once that side is dry, drape the pad across the line with the cotton side up. To avoid odors, mold or mildew, make sure the pad is completely dry before putting it on the bed. RELATED: DIY all-purpose cleaner you can make in 5 minutes Be sure to follow manufacturer's instructions before cleaning foam mattress pads because foam pads are more delicate than fabric pads. They can shred and tear in washing machines and melt when dried at high temperatures. "Your best bet is to spot clean them," says Reichert. To spot clean, begin by vacuuming both sides of the pad. Next, clean stains with an enzyme-based cleaner such as Oxi-Clean or a solution made from equal parts water, distilled white vinegar and lemon juice.
To keep the stain from spreading, start applying cleaner on the outside of the stain, working in circles toward the center. Allow the cleaning solution to sit on the stain for 15 to 20 minutes. Rinse by soaking a clean sponge in cool water and blotting water into the stained area. Remove rinse water by blotting with a clean towel. Continue until most moisture is removed. Or, remove excess water using a wet/dry vacuum. Allow pad to air dry by laying it on a flat surface, turning occasionally so it can dry evenly. If the entire pad needs to be cleaned, lightly spray with a solution of one part mild, low sudsing detergent to two parts water, or use equal parts water, lemon juice and white vinegar. If extra cleaning power is needed, you can add an enzyme cleaner. Allow the solution to sit on the pad for 20-30 minutes. Rinse lightly in the tub or shower using a hand-held shower head. Squeeze--never wring out--the extra water, or remove it by using a wet/dry vacuum. Lay the pad flat for several days, turning a couple of times a day so it can dry evenly.
If you don't have the space or time needed to dry a foam pad, consider spot cleaning or replacing the pad. The first step to cleaning an egg crate is to vacuum it on both sides to remove obvious dirt. If the manufacturer's care label indicates that the egg crate is machine washable, wash it only in a commercial or oversize washer because agitator-type machines may tear the foam, advises Reichert. Use a gentle cycle and a small amount of mild detergent. If machine washing is not an option, consider spot-cleaning the egg crate. Spray the stained areas with a solution made from equal parts water, distilled white vinegar and lemon juice. Allow it to sit for 15-20 minutes. Rinse the stained areas completely in the shower. Fold and press the egg crate or use a wet/dry vacuum to remove excess water. Lay the egg crate on a dry, flat surface to dry. To prevent mold, mildew and odors, do not place egg crate on the bed until it is completely dry. As with all mattress pads, follow instructions on the manufacturer's care label for cleaning.
For machine-washable down mattress pads, it is preferable to use a front-loading washer because these washers are made to handle large loads and do not use an agitator to clean. Before washing, remember to check both sides of the pad to make sure there are no open seams or tears in the fabric. The last thing you need is a washer filled with feathers, says Reichert. Next, pre-treat stains by rubbing them with a bit of detergent or down cleaner. Allow the solution to soak in for 15-20 minutes before washing. Wash down pad on the delicate cycle using cool water and a small amount of gentle, low-sudsing detergent or a special down cleaner. (Down cleaner is formulated to retain the water repellent features of the down.) Rinse twice to remove all detergent residue from the feathers. Dry on the lowest heat — never on high. To keep feathers fluffed, toss in a few wool or rubber dryer balls or tennis balls. Every 15 minutes or so, remove the pad from the dryer and, using your hands, break up and fluff the clumps of feathers.