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“The Exact Science of Matrimony”

 

Jeff Peters and Andy Tucker could never be trusted. One day, the two men decided to open a marriage business to make some quick and easy money. The first thing they did was to write an advertisement to be published in newspapers. Their advertisement read like this:

 

“A charming widow, beautiful and home-loving, would like to remarry. She is only thirty-two years old. She has three thousand dollars in cash and owns valuable property in the country. She would like a poor man with a loving heart. No objection to an older man or to one who is not good-looking. But he needs to be faithful and true, can take care of property and invest money with good judgment. Give address, with details about yourself. Signed: Lonely, care of Peters and Tucker, agents, Cairo, Illinois.”

 

When they finished writing the ad, Jeff Peters asked Andy Tucker where was the lady.

 

Andy gave Jeff an unhappy look and asked him what did a marriage advertisement had to do with a lady.

 

Jeff answered that they must obey the law in all illegal activities, in every detail. He said that something offered for sale must exist and it must be seen. He said that they must be able to produce it, that is how he have kept out of trouble with the police and then for this business to work, they must be able to produce a charming widow, with or without the beauty, as advertised.

 

Andy asked where Jeff could hope to find a widow who would waste her time on a marriage proposal that had no marriage in it.

 

Jeff said that he knew just such a woman.

 

He told Andy about his Jeff’s old friend who used to work in a tent show. His friend made his wife a widow by drinking too much of the wrong kind of alcohol. Jeff used to stop at their house often.

 

Missus Zeke Trotter lived in a small town not far away. Jeff Peters went out to see her. She was not beautiful and not so young. But she seemed all right to Jeff.

 

She asked Jeff when he told her what he wanted if this was a honest deal.

 

Jeff told Missus Trotter about three thousand men who would seek to marry you to get her money and property. He said that these men prepared nothing to give in exchange. Jeff said that they would teach them something. Finally, he asked Missus Zeke if that satisfy her.

 

Missus Trotter answered that it satisfy her. Then she asked Jeff about her duties.

 

Jeff explained that her job would be easy. She would live in a quiet hotel and have no work to do. He and Andy would take care of all letters and the business end of the plot. But he warned her that some of the men might come to see her in person. Then, she would have to meet them face-to-face and reject them. She would be paid twenty-five dollars a week and hotel costs.

 

Missus Trotter said that she needed five minutes to get ready and then they could start paying to her.

 

So Jeff took her to the city and put her in a hotel far enough from Jeff and Andy’s place to cause no suspicion.

 

Jeff Peters and Andy Tucker were now ready to catch a few fish on the hook. They placed their advertisement in newspapers across the country. They put two thousand dollars in a bank in Missus Trotter’s name. They gave her the bank book to show if anyone questioned the honesty of their marriage agency. They were sure that Missus Trotter could be trusted and that it was safe to leave the money in her name.

 

Their ad in the newspapers started a flood of letters – more than one hundred a day. Jeff and Andy worked twelve hours a day answering them. Most of the men wrote that they had lost their jobs. The world misunderstood them. But they were full of love and other good qualities.

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