Self Reflection

In a hole in the ground there lived a... Oh wait, wrong story.

First off, I hope I don't scare you with this wall of text cause a lot is going to be said here. This is probably a lot to share with someone, but frankly I think you're a genuine human being who listens. I also think I've shared some of me with you already so this time I'll give you a bigger slice of the pie. lol. I'm not looking for sympathy, only for you to understand what I've been going through. In the end, I'm pretty happy now and that's all that matters.

As I mentioned, these past weeks have been really good for me and allowed me to self reflect. Pretty much every weekend now I've been planning my hikes and going on them. It's enjoyable, peaceful, and beautiful, to say the least. This last one was awesome and I love being able to share that experience with my friends. Being creative is also something I really enjoy. In fact, I have a video I'm working on that is set to release October 23rd! =P It's a video in honor of my Dad and it's going to be made as a story which I hope I can connect with people on. I can't wait to share it with everyone. Hard to believe it'll be a year on October 23rd. 

I've had a lot of ups and downs in my life, and only recently have things been going up and I'm pretty confident it's going to stay that way. It's a constant journey but this feels different than the other times. I'll be completely honest, I think I have you to thank for that. When you first texted me back in July, I honestly didn't realize you texted till later but I was also busy and flying out to SoCal that weekend. We had our conversations but during all that, I still wasn't 100% happy with myself. I looked forward to you eventually wanting to hang out but I also thought to myself that I'm not a really interesting person or, at least, I felt like I could be more interesting. That's kind of why I decided to pick hiking back up. I know you were saying I don't have to impress you lol but you can't blame a man for trying to be more interesting. haha and honestly, I'm glad I did cause I'm in a relationship now... with nature!!

Looking back, when you told me you just want to be friends, it was really selfish of me to say we should leave it at that and I stop talking to you. In this case, I do think it was good for me to step back a little and self reflect; however, this wasn't fair to you and that's why I would like to say - I'm sorry. All my life I've had friends/family who can support me when I need to talk but I've been placing way too much emphasis on looking for something more meaningful A.K.A a relationship. To be honest, it's pretty rare I ask for help and I prefer listening and helping others which most of the time I can relate to and help. Maybe that's why I've been placing too much emphasis on wanting a relationship. It would finally allow someone to help me on a closer level when all I want to do is help others. The feeling sounds really nice but it's very selfish of me and I need to be able to help myself before considering a relationship. 

I'm finding that I can be perfectly happy doing things that I enjoy that make me a better person and that's what hiking is doing for me now. I'm finally helping myself and I also have a lot more planned coming up that I'm looking forward to doing. I'm looking at taking an Improv class that starts October 18. The same studio also does open Dance lessons Wednesday nights. It's 10 bucks but I'm thinking about going there this Wednesday night cause why not??? Comfort Zone = No Growth Zone, right?. Those two things should be a lot of fun and productive! It sucks that winter is almost here but I'll still find things to do. I'm also thinking about taking piano lessons again. I had taken some while my Dad was alive but then stopped when things started going south. 

Bottom line, things are getting better and I'm finally helping myself but I'll still help others. lol. I know, it's a lot, and I'm not expecting you to respond to anything just that you read it. Thanks for reading, Gemma!