Trapped. [Filtered Version]

Something happened.

I was walking back into the living room, returning from the kitchen when I heard a familiar song start to play. Slowly, every sound started to become more and more muffled as I froze, unable to calm myself from the insistent flashbacks, my body becoming numb as everything blurred. I grabbed something, swinging it with everything I could before being jolted back to reality from the sound of glass breaking. I had swung an umbrella into the TV, shattering it and stopping the song.

I started to breath again, dropping to my knees as my mind began to calm once more. My friend Lorena quickly came to my side. “Crap, how much did that TV cost?” I asked, chuckling nervously as I looked up at her. I felt terrible about breaking the damned thing but I wasn’t entirely sure how to react to what just happened.

“Never mind that,” She responded, her tone matching the concerned look she studied me with. “are you okay?”

I looked away for a second before hanging my head in shame. “Just battling some thoughts.”

“What was it that came to mind?” She asked. Her tone was warm and inviting, but I’d known a tone too similar to hers that was laced with betrayal. I knew she was genuine, but it was hard to get myself to fully believe it.

I didn’t answer her. I was shaking as the tears started to escape me. “I don’t get it.” I finally choked out. I was ashamed of my quivering voice, heavyhearted and hurt by something that couldn’t have been anywhere near as bad as what she went through. I raise my head back up, meeting her worried gaze with my own hurt one. I was as if a product marked as damaged. Not much was making sense to me anymore since it happened but not understanding didn’t bother me as much as the intrusion into my life these thoughts were. “I don’t get how you went to war and came back undamaged, but I went basically nothing and can barely handle it . . .” I chuckled again at my wording. “. . . and I haven’t been able to handle life normally since.”

She looked at me in slight shock of how I described it. My returning gaze just become cold and lifeless as I watched her. “You didn’t go through ‘basically nothing’ Devin. You went through hell and you became the nightmare.”