Secretary of Defense #6453

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(You don't have to reply with the same volume man, I just get carried away. The writing soothes me, haha.)

[Also, make sure you name your document something outlandish with a code on it or something before you publish, otherwise someone might randomly put in the URL and peek at the convo]

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I know what you mean bro, I would have the same kind of things when it came to porn habits. It's just such an easy and natural progression to go from YouTube or Reddit to a porn site. Especially when you peep some naughty ting on YouTube and your brain is already programmed to view that girl, naked and getting a reverse cowgirl piledrive into the loins. There is also something to the idea that women know that we're thinking about them in these ways these days and especially when they're seeking views, they exploit that shit as much as possible. It might not even be a conscious process but there's no denying that there's a shift in their behaviour which utilises that aspect of our culture. Regardless of how we see it, good or bad, the change porn has had on society has been really impactful and for me I feel that it hasn't had a good outcome. I'm the same as you also, I was almost exclusively watching girls only masturbating and not even with toys most of the time because in my head I had justified it by thinking that it's a really natural thing and that won't give me any false pretenses etc. However at the end of the day it does still instill a lot of fairly unhealthy thought patterns in the mind and now, as I did before for around 6 months, I just want to cut it out completely. It really doesn't do anything good for me so I need to fuck it off again. I'm still pulling the tackle when I need to but porn is a no go.

That's good to know that you've managed your social media compulsions too. I think it can be used in ways that bring benefits but the thing is, it's literally engineered by many exceptionally smart people to not have any worries about how much benefit you're receiving from the activity. Fundamentally, they want your attention and they want to harvest your data. As you say, usually we end up on some deep dive into the local sket's profile and all her fake friend's ones too, because they know how we think at our rawest and exploit that as much as they can and so promote those kinds of posts. Obviously there are ways it can be helpful though. When I have discipline with my YouTube usage it can really impart some advantages on my life, as there's a lot of educational videos on there. Again though, I often end up lost for 3 hours either watching people in the hood getting knocked clean out like a candle in the wind or police shooting people dead in the street, not even really knowing that I'm doing it. That's not a coincidence, as you know, they are literally working day and night to create that effect. They strip back our thinking mind with shit that appeals to the caveman inside, draw us in like a moth to a flame and suckle on our data teats. I'm as guilty of using certain platforms as anyone else but we definitely need to know what we're getting into when we're permitting ourselves to mindlessly snort through their infinite lines of cocaine. I do know what you mean when it comes to laughing and I always make time for something that can make me chuckle, even when I'm being disciplined because we all need those moments. We just have to make sure we're not laughing ourselves silly, like this, haha.

I feel that totally man. I want to do a Psychology degree but I also feel like my passion for the idea will fade pretty quickly. I just think we could surprise ourselves if we do eventually take those steps. Being bored of something doesn't necessarily mean that you shouldn't continue or that the subject itself has become irrelevant. It's like what Duckworth says in "Grit" regarding the phrase "job crafting". You have to find the components of what you're doing that you can use to empower and motivate yourself. Changing your approach to it and in turn molding what it means to you. I do get what you're saying though but I'm basically trying to say that I believe in your capacity to push forward with something and persevere. I've seen that world you built in Minecraft haha, impossible to build something like that without an ability to propel yourself even through the boring times. I get what your Uncle is saying too but I agree with you, finding meaningful satisfaction is really important. That said, that doesn't come without effort either. I personally realise that if I want to find something that I could truly see as a calling then I need to diversify my approach. My average approach to life recently has been to eat the same, mediocre meal everyday and complain that I don't have a favourite food but that's my fault if I'm being honest with myself. There are plenty of foods out there to try, I need to stop restricting everything just because I fear disliking one flavour. If you know what I mean.

I like what you said about not ever really being able to see the full picture. You're right nobody can know every aspect of themselves but I do think that a psychologist (if they are skilled) can guide you to a version of the picture which is high enough in resolution to allow you to use it as a map. It doesn't need to be perfect to be functional. Though that is the thing, the idea of finding a terrible psychologist makes me feel uncomfortable, but I think I'm probably overreacting and it wouldn't be so bad even if there wasn't a chemistry. I think the positives outweigh the negatives. It seems that the guy you spoke to wasn't amazing but maybe he needed more time to figure out how to approach what you said, I guess it's the same as training the body. Can't expect a fat fuck to shed 50lbs on the first session haha. I've heard that CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is an effective kind, I'm interested in seeing someone who specialises in that at some point.

I get what you mean bruvva. Your Mum definitely stepped over the line of trust when she didn't allow you to see that book. I had to think about it for a little while when I first read what you told me your Dad wrote in the book. I could see from your Mum's perspective why she wouldn't want you to read that. However I think at the end of the day, she should have been open to you about it. Followed the wishes of your Dad and let you read the book when you were 21. If she needed to give her side of the story too then that would be fine, she could explain to you what might have been the reasons for your Dad to write that and what she feels about it. I think she made the wrong decision by keeping it from you for sure but I still can't help but feel for her too in some ways. I know that's because I don't know her and I haven't experienced what you're talking about and I'm only reading the account but it still tugs on me heart-strings a bit. Do you know what you'll do about that situation? This might sound retarded and something you might not want to do at all but have you ever thought about writing her a letter about it? You could describe all of this to her and how you feel about it without letting your emotions dominate too much. I'm not saying you have to forgive her but I'm thinking about how the weight of holding onto that kind of resentment might impact you. Could be a good way to alleviate some of that pressure without letting it spiral into name calling like often happens when I try talking to my parents.

My parent's relationship is a joke too man. They have essentially been separated since I was around 8 years old, maybe even earlier but they continue to live in the same house. They basically stay together for financial reasons. When I was around 8, I would sleep in a bunk-bed with me on the top and my Dad on the bottom and then my Mum in another room. It was like that for years. In the meantime, they would argue constantly and they were vicious arguments too; talking about cheating and other really personal, twisted shit in front of Max and I to try and get one of us on their side. They would usually end with my Dad putting his head or hand through a window or a door. I remember one time he was washing up and had plates in his hands and him and my Mum were in a shouting match and my Dad got so pissed that he just full on smashed the plates into his forehead, making blood pour out all over the floor. That shit was pretty traumatising for youngens and it went on like that for a long, long time. It still flares up to the same proportions at times but now it usually involves Max and my Dad squaring up to each other and my Mum standing between them, screeching like a fucking banshee. Honestly, that shit was so exhausting to deal with that it eventually drove me insane. I always wanted my parents to separate but it just seems like they never will because of the business they run together. I'm in York at the moment and I'm trying to stay here for as long as I can because I just need to get away from them. My depression is hugely linked to being around that environment so I'm trying to stay away.

I appreciate the answer mate, I wasn't sure how you felt about talking on that. Grieving is definitely a good idea when someone you love moves on but it's also fucking hard. Especially when you're a young man. I've always wondered about what happened, I never asked anyone, I only heard from Nix so I'm grateful that you gave me the insight. It allows me to understand you better for sure. Obviously I don't really know what I'm talking about but I think you could feel the benefits of grieving even now. Letting yourself cry while thinking about a certain subject can be a really comforting thing so I'm glad you've done that at least once but if you still feel the weight, you don't have to keep pushing it down man. Put on a sad film when no-one's about and let the river run dry. I remember when my first dog died, my Dad buried her in the garden and we put a bench in front of the little grave and my Dad sat there for a few hours for about 3 days in a row just bawling his eyes out. At one point I was crying too and my Dad pulled me in to comfort me but as he was crying he was also stuffing his face full of mackerel. He smelt like a fucking fishmonger's smeg. Had to pull away and be like "nah mate, cry on your own."

Yeah, that's fully peak. Someone who you've known for so long and have felt comforted by doing something like that is fucking shit mate. "Thought she was different but they never are." What a true statement. The reason girls always end up complaining about the man they're with and crying after they get punched in the mouth is because they treat the real ones like shit. I know you still have a part of you that likes her but fuck her man. You'll find another one at some point. Hahaha, "ugly like a monkfish". Sometimes you've just got to do what you gotta do really but I can definitely feel you on the retrospective regret. You saw the fallout of one of my moments of regret haha, it's not a fun time. That's hilarious that you stranded Nix and Pat though, I can imagine their faces after realising what's going down. The thing is, when it comes to finding someone, I never really manage to get a super attractive girl because I'm so intimidated by beautiful women that I actively choose a more average look. I've had a strong connection that has lasted a while with both of the girls I've been with but I do end up with wandering eyes quite often. I think that has quite a lot to do with porn too to be fair but also, it's just hard not to think about other bountiful lands sometimes. I know that, as you said you felt, I would feel that same kind of hollowness if I actually acted on those thoughts but I definitely get tempted, I can't lie. Just hope Leila doesn't see this, lol.

I agree with you man, she's definitely trying to justify her pointless lies. I've been super distant with her since I found all of that shit out. I just can't be bothered with her as much now. I won't bounce her off yet but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it. I just want to keep my options open though because 22 year old pussy is good, lol. I'm a weak man. (now I really need to make sure she doesn't read this shit). I actually heard about a study that said women usually are able to move on more quickly and without as much negative emotion, I didn't read why that is but I wonder if it's because they just have a lot more access to other partners, not sure but your intuition is solid. Don't worry about speaking your mind about her though man, just say what you feel, that's honestly helpful to hear. "At least I hope so. However they always hide their bullshit until you're too deep in to be able to walk away peacefully." Actually, you're right haha, that made me think about how it could also create a weakness. The distrust of our mothers might actually make us easier to prey on because we're craving that feminine caress more than someone who had a deeper connection with their Mum. I suppose we still have to remain very vigilant but at least we know the worms are about. looool, that Dylan Moran bit is hilarious, so fucking true.

Also, if you haven't seen it already, I recommend the HBO documentary called "The Inventor". It's about a woman called Elizabeth Holmes who a few years ago was being touted as the next Steve Jobs but ended up being a deluded sociopath. Really interesting. And another ting, I've never been a fan of Formula 1 but the other day I watched the docuseries called "Drive to Survive" which is about the 2018 season of F1, was actually quite sick. Made me into a fan of the sport so check that if it interests you at all. The docuseries "Losers" is also a good one. Nice exploration of how losing is an important part of sport, the editing was slickity-do-dah too.